Do you know of anyone not very nice but seems to have a lot of friends?

[Poetrypatty]

Just pondering this really. I vaguely know someone who in my own experience has been quite unpleasant to me but seems to have lots of friends. Just wondering if this is a common thing really. Maybe it's that that person just has a problem with me and is nice to others. Or do you think sometimes people can be not that nice but still have quite a few friends?

I have to agree with Riada and her very succinct post.

The two friendships that I had that ended that were difficult were with two women who appeared really nice at face value nicer than anyone they made a point of appearing nice but were on reflection absolute arseholes. DS really took a dislike to one of them, he was only ten at the time.

They very much talked the talk what they were actually doing was playing the victim coated with icing sugar. But they did it with a smile and looking back they always agreed with me, every time. I certainly did a lot for both of them. What’s interesting is they both espoused extremely left wing ideals.

Justalittebit10 yes one of them was like that completely.

Yes my sister is a nasty piece of work but has loads of friends! And they are actual friends not just “FB friends”

Yep.
The IT guy at my old works was a sexist bully boy that hit his wife several times, got arrested for Domestic Violence, she took him back, he bragged about it in the office.
But still everyone flocked around him like flies around shit.
He tried to befriend me, I told him to go fuck himself... And weirdly, couple weeks later, my PC ended up having a lengthy browsing history like I'd been browsing the web for hours a day whilst at work.
Unfortunately for him, when it was looked into closer, it appeared like I'd been using that pc when I was on holiday in Scotland.
He wasn't sacked though, just warned.. people found out, but nothing changed.

Yes I've experienced this a few times. I think there is a lot about life that is just unfair and we all have to get on as best we can.

The one thing all people who are good at making / collecting and keeping friends are is that they're instinctively good conversation facilitators. They seem to know how to get a good conversation going quickly and easily with just about anyone.

For example, I could be with person A and we don't have much in common so the conversation is a bit stilted, lingering on small talk and probably really dull for both of us. Then along comes person B, the conversation facilitator. Soon all 3 of us are having an interesting, animated conversation. I am quite aware here that the touch paper factor is not me

With trouble with some of the B people I have known is that they can become a bit self-entitled and rather aware that they are "good" with people. Hence I had one friend who kept going on about categorising her mates into her "A" list and "B" list, with the Bs not making the cull for her to bestow her fabulous time and attention. Also another B friend, who could become quite churlish if she did not get her own way.

The one B person who I think was genuinely lovely, considerate and kind was my now-deceased MIL. She used to always have visitors call on her for company and was very popular in her village. I miss her every day!

@LittleOverWhelmed

I know someone who is a real social climber…. She is strategic in her friendships and always building towards the next big thing.

I know people like this. Sadly, there are a fair few in the parental cohort of my dd’s class at primary school.

I know someone who has loads of friends. She is funny, sociable, good company, attractive, wealthy, loves a good time etc. In her 50s now. Picks friends up very easily. However, she is also a total bully and it's her way or the high way. Cross her and she will turn.

@Naaaaah

And how do you handle this person? Are you a friend but treat her with kid gloves or have you fallen foul of her?

[quote Neveratruerfriend]@Naaaaah

And how do you handle this person? Are you a friend but treat her with kid gloves or have you fallen foul of her?[/quote]
I was friends with her for years and tolerated that side of her. I then did something that suited me but not her and she went supersonic. We drifted after that, suffice to say. She also caused a very good mutual friend to suffer very badly mentally and the shades were well and truly lifted from my eyes. She continues to this day to pick friends up and people still flock to her, until they too see what she's really like.

I have heard of this alot there can be a person that is pretty nasty towards others. And then people are all round them like they are best buddy's. I think its a case of keep your enemy closer or that people are scared of that person so want to stay on their 'good' side. And sadly we never seen to see karma on this kind of person.

@LittleOverWhelmed

I know someone who is a real social climber…. She is strategic in her friendships and always building towards the next big thing.

This. Absolutely this. And then it extends to the friendships of their dc. Horrible.

Some people would say this about me.. but I really don’t care,
Why does everyone have to like me?

I think this is generally true.
Also people who seem nice to their friends but not so nice to siblings.
A lot of people try to.be friends with minor celebrities. Or those with big houses /cars.
They get upset if their kid is left out but then frequently let their kid leave others out
A lot of people are friends when they serve a purpose like nct groups or birth groups then drop out as they move on.
Bear in mind the popular people know they are popukar and can make friends easily so drop them easily

I agree cagney at school the parents all pick the kids friends. Not more than a handful are getting to pick. Also they are all friends with siblings friends and from a really young are and then dont try to make new friends.

I think a lot of this is the non confident being jealous of those who are a bit more outgoing.

Yes, quite a few people over the years. It's weird how people fall for their antics. Some of them have pots of money and I think some people like to associate with the wealthy (though then you get into problems of not being able to afford the same restaurants etc). But others are really bitchy and yet people like them. Oh well.

So you are the only person that sees through them. All their friends are deluded fools?

Yes. He’s a spiteful trouble maker but inexplicably has lots of friends.

Oh yes, a school mum. Oh so sweet to everyone, she would keep on about how she believed in gentle parenting, never a cross voice, what a saint she was, how happy and lovely her life and kids were. They were vile and aggressive to everyone btw.
She was also thoroughly two faced and would happily drop others in it where she could.
The day she got caught out by the Head spreading untrue gossip about the SLT was a joyous, joyous day.
I keep her at arms length.

I remember this phenomenon when I was teaching. I would witness some really unpleasant pupils with others flocking around them. I think, as already said, less powerful personalities don't want to be on the wrong side. I really don't imagine that the unpleasant pupils had real friends, because others were only there out of fear. I think that
some people go through their life like this: bullying and dominating others and calling it 'friendship'. Maybe they don't know the difference, or maybe they don't care.

Hitler had lots of people who thought he was great 🤷‍♀️ That’s what I remind myself when I come across these sort of individuals. Oh so nice to everyone but underneath they are vile and scheming, and if they think you’re on to them they can make your life hell.

@HSHorror

I think this is generally true. Also people who seem nice to their friends but not so nice to siblings. A lot of people try to.be friends with minor celebrities. Or those with big houses /cars. They get upset if their kid is left out but then frequently let their kid leave others out A lot of people are friends when they serve a purpose like nct groups or birth groups then drop out as they move on. Bear in mind the popular people know they are popukar and can make friends easily so drop them easily

But unpick this a bit why is it significant that someone isn't 'nice' to their siblings? Many people post about unpleasant families on here there's no obligation to 'be nice' to family members who may behave badly to you just because you share parents -- it doesn't necessarily mean that your relationship with your sibling is somehow more the 'real you' than your relationship with friends you chose. Many people are far closer to their friends than their siblings.

I have genuinely never encountered anyone who befriended someone because of their house or car, but our fame-obsessed society's fucked-up attitude to minor celebrity makes it logical for people to attempt to befriend someone they have been taught to consider more important or successful then themselves. (You see it on here all the time on 'What celebrities are really nice?' threads, where people are thrilled to have touched the hand of/shared a lift with some soap actor/TV presenter, and have cherished the details of the encounter for years.)

I think children should be encouraged to choose their friends carefully and according to their behaviour -- DS and his friends (all 8 at the time) gave the new boy in their class a series of chances, inviting him to the park with them after school etc until his violence made them drop him like a stone. I'm sure his mother thinks he's being unfairly excluded, but frankly, no child needs to give still more chances to someone who thinks repeatedly kicking them in the stomach is OK.

A lot of friendships are for a season rather than eternal I don't think there's anything wrong with moving on from NCT groups and the like. You might keep individual friends you particularly gelled with, but those groups are mostly temporary in nature, for support while you're all at the same (challenging) life stage. People move away etc. It's pretty rare for them to bond for life that doesn't make them any less valuable while they do last.

I wouldn't describe myself as 'popular' but I have no problems making friends, partly because I've moved around the world a lot and am used to going out and making new friends in places where I know no one -- I'm a bit puzzled by your logic that knowing you can always make new friends makes you a fickle friend. The flip side would be that only people who are virtual social outcasts are good, faithful, longterm friends, because they know they won't be able to make any other friends, which is a bit depressing, to put it mildly...

@DementedPanda

Quite a few, people bend over backwards for them but actually they are very inclusive group and pick and choose friends of the week while keeping others at hand

Yes I know someone like that, so self centred and always on their terms

Yes some of my colleagues have lots of friends but aren't especially nice. I think that having friends or not often amounts to just sheer dumb luck? Lots of factors -

If you have a sibling you might grow to see him/her as a friend and their friends will become your friends. Double / triple etc. depending on how many siblings there are!

If you stay in your home town and so do your friends you'll be more likely to stay in touch rather than if you move away (or conversely if you moved around a lot you might become really good at keeping in touch with people)

If you marry someone you might "inherit" your spouse's siblings as your friends. One of my colleagues says her mother in law is her best friend!

If your parents were sociable then you'd automatically become friends with your parents' friends' kids of the same age growing up and these would be people you'd stay in touch with as you grew up

Ending up working in a workplace with people "on your wavelength"

Ending up being lucky with who's in your halls of residence if you go to uni

Being able to do a hobby and making friends that way

Having neighbours who are a similar age / have a similar outlook

People have friends out of convenience a lot of the time.

Some nice people are friends with horrible people out of politeness or because they aren't assertive

@Mybalconyiscracking

I think a lot of this is the non confident being jealous of those who are a bit more outgoing.

Didn't you just say some people would say this about you? That you have lots of friends but aren't very nice? TBF from this comment you don't sound that nice.

Also some people have lots of friends because they are loaded and buy their friends /hangers-on drinks, or take them on holiday etc. or it looks like they have loads of friends because they throw loads of parties and people come to them. One really toxic individual I know gives the impression of having lots of friends because she organises community events e.g. street parties, lockdown whatsapps, Queen's jubilee etc. I don't know a single person who actually likes her but people want to be involved in the community so they kind of put up with her.