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Original poster

Should you have more kids than you (alone) could care for?

81 replies

EvilHerbivore · 05/10/2021 09:34

Sort of inspired by another thread so hope that's okay...
But was just thinking about when choosing to have kids, should you always make sure you can manage whatever number on your own?
I have 2 DC and ex-DP left unexpectedly so I guess I didn't really get much of a choice in the matter but reading the thread where the poster has 4 DC and said she needs her DP at home - what happens if he did ever leave?

OP posts:

MiddleParking · 05/10/2021 09:37

MuchTooTired · 05/10/2021 09:40

Do you mean day to say care, financially supporting them or both?

I have two. I can manage day to day care just fine, but if DH left financially supporting them would mean a massive change in lifestyle for them, and would be a bit tricky. We’d survive, but it makes me sad and freak out a bit when I think of it!

Original poster

EvilHerbivore · 05/10/2021 09:43

@MuchTooTired

Do you mean day to say care, financially supporting them or both?

Just musing on everything really - whether it's practical or a bit sad to think of if the worst were to happen, could I do 1/2/3/4+ children on my own?

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

AndOtherStories · 05/10/2021 09:45

Circumstances change. Ill health (mental or physical) can happen to anyone.

MuchTooTired · 05/10/2021 09:56

I can just about manage two. I honestly don’t think I could cope if I had any more. With benefits, my getting a job (currently a sahm) and child support I’d manage with a much reduced lifestyle. No benefits and no child support we’d be screwed though, my wages would just about cover rent and c/tax round here 😳

Florence282 · 05/10/2021 09:58

We had 1 DC because of my health and we felt that was what we could afford. I would have absolutely loved a big family. DC is now 13 and I'm so relieved we went with our heads and not our hearts because life would now be seriously difficult if I had a large family to look after.

Florence282 · 05/10/2021 10:00

MiddleParking what's that face for? Why do people do that, either write something or don't bother.

TheUnbearable · 05/10/2021 10:01

The more dc the harder it is in every sense, I’m one of six dc. When my Mother was widowed it was hard for her. We were born before the pill was available and contraception was less reliable.

A death, divorce, illness, job loss can spell disaster for any family regardless of size but more mouths to feed will inevitably make it harder. As we lived those very tough times as Dc none of us have a big family. Most of us have two dc.

MintyGreenDream · 05/10/2021 10:17

Yes which is why I have one!

Original poster

EvilHerbivore · 05/10/2021 10:18

It wasn't a criticism and I'm sorry if it read that way - just more of a thinking that, when planning a family, should a person think of 'being able to paddle their own canoe' and not make a decision based on the other parent constantly being there in case of them leaving/ill health/ bereavement?

OP posts:

thecatsthecats · 05/10/2021 10:26

To be honest, I thought this seeing one woman wrangling three in the high street.

I don't want more than I have hands for personally, partner in the picture or not. Twins run in the family, so I'm definitely stopping after one pregnancy. I know my limits.

ShaneTheThird · 05/10/2021 10:28

I agree op. Yes circumstances can change, but this should be factored into decision making. How will I cope with x amount of children if I become a single parent/disabled/lose my job in the future? Not just oh I want to have 4/5/6/7 children with no thoughts as to what might happen. But then again it astounds me people who have kids then claim they have no one in the entire world to babysit should an emergency happen. You see it on here a lot women who desperately need ambulances who refuse to go and get seen as they have no one in the world to look after their child and won't call a babysitter.

TillyDevon · 05/10/2021 10:31

We’re having an unexpected 3rd and I feel extremely secure with DH who I’ve been with for 20 years and he’s extremely reliable and family-centred. I don't imagine I’d manage otherwise even with two much older DC as they both benefit from a lot of help with school work when they need it from both of us etc.

Much larger families do sometimes manage though , when someone I know’s mother died she took on a lot with her 10 younger siblings while they needed it and went on to have a large family herself.

ShaneTheThird · 05/10/2021 10:34

An example of people's differing attitudes to this was on a thread the other day.

Pregnant woman's partner wanted nothing to do with her or the baby. Pregnant woman made it clear she didn't care as she was financially able to support it by herself and had a strong family network to help her.

All very sensible.

Except several posters came on to tell her she was being irresponsible financially and that she should be relying on the father and CSA.

NoToast · 05/10/2021 10:38

I don't think there's a should but I stopped at the number I could manage and provide for alone. One. I had bought a house, got qualifications and had career all in place. I'm glad I made that decision as I've been a single parent for years but I would have loved a bigger family and a decent husband. I wish as a young woman I'd benefited from the wise heads of MN. I've made plenty of crap decisions.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 05/10/2021 10:38

I brought up one child on my own. Any more would have totally broken us as I could only afford childcare for one.

RobinPenguins · 05/10/2021 10:40

Yes. Unless you don’t have a choice (unexpected multiples etc) I don’t think you should have more children than you can cope with - financially, emotionally, physically.

Obviously in many cases people’s circumstances change and they may end up in ill health for example.

theleafandnotthetree · 05/10/2021 10:43

A few (and I stress only a few, not all) of the families I know with 4 children and more have ended up with that many precisely because they don't think it through. If they had done any kind of thinking about their own capacities as a couple - financial, emotional, social, etc - they would have concluded that two children was the very limit of what they could handle. They are hanging on by their fingernails as it is so if something happens like bereavement etc it really is a total shit show. Indeed it is my belief that in this very complicated, expensive and increasingly divisive society we live in, anyone raising a large family would need for BOTH parents to be at the top of their game and totally switched on. That way at least if something happens to one of them, the other at least as a chance of getting through things ok.

girlmom21 · 05/10/2021 10:49

It's absolutely something I considered before having a second child, and a first to be honest. More from a financial perspective than practical but I don't think I'll have a third until the baby's out of nappies at the very least.

If DP left/died I couldn't cope with 3 under 3.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 05/10/2021 10:57

I must admit I have wondered this in the case of a long term acquaintance (someone I spent a lot of time with for several years when our older children were babies and toddlers because our lives coincided a lot) who made it very clear she was only just coping with 2 small DC and couldn't go out with them both by herself unless she knew the destination would be easy (a known toddlers group or fellow toddler parent's house) and there'd be people who could and would help at her destination ... That's fair enough as we don't really know what we're getting into sometimes, especially conceiving DC2 while DC1 is a small immobile baby and thinking its all going to get easier quickly before realising perhaps you're someone who struggles with toddlers...

I thought wtf when she excitedly announced that she and her husband had decided to start to ttc DC3 immediately, because she never stopped telling us she couldn't really cope with the two she had and couldn't go out with them nor get them to bed nor much else without help.

She was a perfectly competent human who'd had a very good career but given it up to be a sahm and seemed to really struggle and be so worn down by it and I honestly thought wtf are you doing prolonging it and taking on more of the exact thing you keep telling us you can't manage? Why do you think this is right for you?

I didn't say anything obviously. I couldn't really bring myself to congratulate her on deciding to ttc though (some people did) I just tried to fade into the background! An unplanned pregnancy would have been different as you make the best of it if you decide to go ahead, but planned ttc in that situation...

Oh well.

As others say situations can change, financially, health wise etc. People who could cope can stop being able to. People also find different stages easier or harder -for some people babies are easy and toddlers difficult, for some primary age is more difficult than toddlers or teens... So you don't totally know who'll be coping best in five years time.

Still taking on more when already struggling badly with what you have does seem a poor decision when deliberately planned, on the surface anyway!

FloconDeNeige · 05/10/2021 11:00

It’s why I won’t have a third. I have a stable ex-pat job with a very high salary but I would struggle in all ways if I had to look after 3 on my own. Thus, we’re sticking with 2.

BananaBlue · 05/10/2021 11:05

I’m still coming to terms with having an only after failed IVF, but one of the things I’ve considered as a benefit is if anything happened to DH (who is a 50:50 DH and DF) or me for that matter, whoever is left would be able to do more than manage.

BananaBlue · 05/10/2021 11:07

I only ever wanted 2 (a big but not primary reason was so DC would have a companion) as if ‘life’ happened I think I’d struggle with more.

badlydrawnbear · 05/10/2021 11:07

I have 2 DC. DH died suddenly and unexpectedly last month. I have no idea how it will be possible to bring them up on my own, emotionally, financially, time. I have a job, but it involves being out of the house from 6.30am until 9.30pm and working night shifts and weekends. It is not possible to get childcare for that, so I probably can't go back to work (I am off sick at the moment while I work out what to do). We had DC, expecting we would bring them up together as a team. Even if we had seperated, DH would still have been involved in their lives, been there emotionally and provided for them financially. But no one expects what has happened to us to happen (DH was 41), and no one can or should live their lives just in case it does.

romdowa · 05/10/2021 11:10

Its an absolute impossibility to plan your life for what ifs. You could be perfectly capable of handling 4 children today by yourself but next year you could have an accident etc etc and be barely able to take yourself to the toilet. If we all planned our lives around what ifs then nobody would ever do anything.

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