Should you have more kids than you (alone) could care for?

[EvilHerbivore]

Sort of inspired by another thread so hope that's okay...
But was just thinking about when choosing to have kids, should you always make sure you can manage whatever number on your own?
I have 2 DC and ex-DP left unexpectedly so I guess I didn't really get much of a choice in the matter but reading the thread where the poster has 4 DC and said she needs her DP at home - what happens if he did ever leave?

@badlydrawnbear I'm so sorry.

@romdowa

Its an absolute impossibility to plan your life for what ifs. You could be perfectly capable of handling 4 children today by yourself but next year you could have an accident etc etc and be barely able to take yourself to the toilet. If we all planned our lives around what ifs then nobody would ever do anything.

I agree with this, I think if we all lived like the majority on this thread seem to be then we'd all be rocking in a corner 🙄🤣

I have two. I wanted three but realistically knew that, if I ended up alone with them, I'd only want to have to bring up two children alone.

It was a wise decision...

I do sometimes wonder if other women have considered this when I see families with several children.

Yes i think you should have as many as you know you can manage alone. You never know what life will throw at you.
I have 1 by choice, she's 5, would maybe consider a second but no current desire, 2 would be the most i could manage and that would be partly down to the age gap as i'd know my eldest would be more independent.
So sorry about your husband @badlydrawnbear

I must say though that when my kids were little I could have looked after four or five by myself - I left teaching to childmind and I had three under 18 months nine hours per day from when my eldest was nine months old until my own dc2 was born. I absolutely adored it. When my 3 were all little-ish I often had a friend for each over and was happy as a pig in muck with six kids under seven in the house. So if my body had cooperated (a fourth pregnancy would have been very high risk for me) and we'd had unlimited money I might have been tempted to go on and on... I was bloody good at wrangling toddlers and preschoolers.

TBH if I'd had a huge brood I'd have struggled to give them all the individual attention they need as older children and teens. I don't buy into the "teens are so difficult/ more work than toddlers" narrativeat all but they do need very individual head space from their parents - older children and teens need to be treated as individuals - obviously little ones do to, but usually a big brood of tinies have more in common and more similar needs than the same individuals ten years later do.

Teens and older children are time intensive in terms of running them around, solving sometimes complex problems, listening, teaching life skills, complicated homework and organisational help, more driving them around and expensive in terms of driving lessons, vehicle insurance, school residentials, sports equipment, petrol costs, big cars to fit adult size early teens into, orthodontic treatment and never ending adult size shoes during growth spurts Obviously a lot of that is luxuries, but not necessarily something people think of if they're really enjoying a big family while the children are all still tiny.

Juggling the needs of a large number of teens and pre teens close in age would be incredibly difficult to do well, I suspect.

I have 4 and I’m on my own as in totally on my own, their father does not see them AT ALL he might as well be dead as far as I’m concerned as he doesn’t see or pay for them, he isn’t present at all neither is his family. You cope because you have to, my mum brought up 6 kids alone. People say they can’t cope when they have a partner to rely on but when push comes to shove they would have to, like many of us have no choice but to.

Agree. Can’t live your life like that. Surely one of the benefits of a relationship is the mutual support. We have each been able to stretch to things we may not have managed alone and had our greatest successes that way. I’m thinking qualifications, career changes, house moves etc. At any point if my relationship had failed my life would have been very different.

We have 4 DC together and I have 1 from previous relationship. I could have coped alone but it wouldn’t have been as enjoyable. Should I have let that risk inhibit my decisions I’d never have got out of my teenage bedroom!

badlydrawnbear I'm sorry to read that. I hope you find your solution

Of course, but some people don't seem to do any planning at all other than 'oooh another baby!'. Even if that scenario you describe happened, it would be easier to manage two than four children. Still very difficult but surely less difficult. It's not about preparing for or imagining every last eventuality because of course that would be paralysing but having a realistic idea of what you're capable of with a bit of spare capacity, good support etc if things go wrong.

@badlydrawnbear

Sorry, my last post was in response to @romdowa

@theleafandnotthetree

Of course, but some people don't seem to do any planning at all other than 'oooh another baby!'. Even if that scenario you describe happened, it would be easier to manage two than four children. Still very difficult but surely less difficult. It's not about preparing for or imagining every last eventuality because of course that would be paralysing but having a realistic idea of what you're capable of with a bit of spare capacity, good support etc if things go wrong.

This this this! I'm about to TTC a first but ideally I would love 3. I have already started working out the eventualities of if I had 2 or 3 and how I would cope if me and dp split, where we would live how I would afford it and how much family/friend/school/social support I could access. It's not about crippling yourself with anxiety or refusing to live. It's about knowing exactly what you want and making sure any snags along the way are dealt with before it becomes a major issue down the line.

@ShaneTheThird. I think the point about being realistic about how much family/friend/school/social support you can rely on is a really important point. To which I would add....without overly burdening other people and pissing them off. I know a few people who plainly have more children than they can cope with and many of them, to my mind at least, lean very heavily on grandparents, siblings, neighbours, friends etc who fill the gaps in their capacity. I am all for supporting each other, believe that it is the work of a wider group than just parents to raise children, etc but it is very unfair to expect other people to routinely and without any reciprocity make up for ones deficiencies.

yes I considered this before planning my family, and think its only sensible to do some. same as when buying the house and thinking of several "what if" scenarios. jobs losses, death, disabilities happen all too frequently.

@badlydrawnbear - I'm so sorry. I can only imagine you feel like your life's been turned inside out 💐

Being older & the possibility of a third child with increased risk of anomalies was a bigger factor in the decision to stick at 2DC than being a single mum.
You can't live life as if something awful might happen tomorrow, but you can consider the impact of having more children on the children you already have.

More kids = less time, less attention, less patience, less resources... surely?

(Disclaimer: I'm an only married to an only - my family of 4 feels huge & noisy already)

@romdowa

Its an absolute impossibility to plan your life for what ifs. You could be perfectly capable of handling 4 children today by yourself but next year you could have an accident etc etc and be barely able to take yourself to the toilet. If we all planned our lives around what ifs then nobody would ever do anything.

There's a middle ground between worrying about what ifs and being entirely reckless.

My main aversion to being stuck alone with more children than I can manage alone is that there are so many things I want to do and see in the world that I couldn't afford the money or time for with a gaggle of children in tow. There are so many things I want for me and for them that I wouldn't jeopardise by stretching my resources to another child.

That's not worrying about what ifs. That's looking at what I want and exercising judgement on how to secure it.

I don't necessarily think you should plan to raise children alone but I know a lot of people that don't seem to have done any planning in terms of the number of children they have or how they will deal with childcare, afford to raise them and give them enough attention.

There's a middle ground between worrying about what ifs and being entirely reckless

I agree.

Yes, anyone can have an accident or get sick but having income continuance/critical illness insurance would relieve the financial burden if something like that did happen.

I have definitely thought about this topic. I would love another child, but i won't. I have two. I have enough patience and emotional capacity and financial resources for the two of them. For anymore there is a question mark. I don't know if I could give them all what they emotionally require in teenage-hood if I had three, or pay for them.
A friend of mine disagrees; I am going to have as many children as I wish to have.
I would love to throw caution to the wind, but for my own children that seems like a disservice.
i have to say that I am jealous of her though.

I agree. Those who have close grandparents, friends, family may also have a much larger support group to fall back on if they were Ill, died, financial issues.

Dh and I are basically alone. No nearby family. If dh or I died or became ill, the other one really would be bringing Ds alone day to day. We have a few good friends who are listed to care for Ds if we ever both died, but it’s easier to ask commitment from someone to do that if there’s 1-2 children, then a larger amount.

Perhaps it should be a consideration, but kids grow up and become more independent. I've got 5 and could easily cope with all of them because I've got decent sized gaps between them, rather than them all being under 5 or whatever. The older ones naturally help out with the little ones.

@Peanutsandchilli

Perhaps it should be a consideration, but kids grow up and become more independent. I've got 5 and could easily cope with all of them because I've got decent sized gaps between them, rather than them all being under 5 or whatever. The older ones naturally help out with the little ones.

But there's more too it than just coping with day to day life. Things to consider are critical illness cover and life insurance, are the children old enough to babysit each other in an emergency, is there enough money to feed and clothe them?

A shocking amount of people don't take any of this into consideration and then act surprised when something happens and then they claim they can't cope when they could have avoided a lot of it with forward planning.

I don't know why women burden themselves with children let alone several children, unless they are in cast iron financial security and could manage on their own. Women are not doing themselves any favours when they get into a position of dependency and overweening responsibility by having children when they are dependent on men. Why do that? And don't get me started on women who fall for men who turn out to be abusive and THEN get pregnant. It's time we gathered our strength and formed women's cooperative living communities in which child rearing is shared, safe, nurturing for one and all. Men really need to step up imo.

I have two DC, and have done the figures and could JUST do it on my own (keeping the house, food in the cupboards, childcare, clothes etc). But no real extravagance, no expensive gifts or fancy holidays. Logistically (school drop offs/working hours) it would be tough, and emotionally I don't know how I'd cope.
But it does give me peace of mind that I know we'd be OK. I know my husband wouldn't be if it was the other way around!

However, I don't think you can really plan your life like that.

Realistically, we both have life insurance which would put the other in a more comfortable position if the worst happened.

If he left then I'm assuming he'd pay maintenance (stranger things have happened, but it would be a bigger shock than him leaving if he refused to pay) so we'd be OK. If the house had to be sold I'd buy something cheaper.

The bigger worry is losing jobs. You can't insure against that in my industry. Savings would run out pretty quickly!

If you try to prepare for everything you'd never had kids and never go out. It's good to have a plan, but try to live a little.

I have five and don’t need (and never did) someone to help with care. I had mine close together and would find @Peanutsandchilli spaced out family harder. I think you do what suits you.