Should you have more kids than you (alone) could care for?

[EvilHerbivore]

Sort of inspired by another thread so hope that's okay...
But was just thinking about when choosing to have kids, should you always make sure you can manage whatever number on your own?
I have 2 DC and ex-DP left unexpectedly so I guess I didn't really get much of a choice in the matter but reading the thread where the poster has 4 DC and said she needs her DP at home - what happens if he did ever leave?

It's definitely something to consider. Realistically though, people do cope in all sorts of situations if they have to. When people say (for example) "I couldn't cope with these three alone", it is rarely the case that they literally couldn't cope and would have a mental breakdown or decide to adopt their kids out. They would find it hard. But that could apply to lots of things.

As Caspian just touched on, much of this is dependent on individual circumstances and perhaps also your family background. I did little to no planning of my 1st, 3rd, 4th or even 5th child. The second was only planned because it was first child with a new partner.

But I grew up as one of 8, which I enjoyed and see as a positive experience, my parents are from large families too and I think all but one of their siblings had several children each. My DH is from quite a big family too. Many of us living locally (we’re in London, we haven’t annexed ourselves a small village!) and very involved in each other’s lives so childcare, support networks, handling lots of children are all pre-existing and it’s the norm so didn’t phase me. No one in our family would class our shared childcare as covering deficiencies though.

I would never have feared how I could cope with 4 or 5 children, 10 or 11 might have started to unnerve me though Naturally, we also had a few big gaps, my eldest was late teens by the time my youngest was born.

Also having been a freelancer for years, I’ve always had a flexible job and precarious income.

There's always one poster at least on child maintenance threads who blame the woman for not planning /being able to support them alone and not for seeing that their previously loving and supportive and involved husband would fuck off with OW and quibble over the bare minimum of maintenance and see the kids 4 days a month. You can't realistically live like that.. If you did, most people would have no children at all. How about instead we find ways to toughen up the cms, improve childcare provision, flexible working to be more available and find was for people in social housing to stay local near their support network. All of those things would make coping with unexpected circumstances a great deal easier.

I’m the youngest of 7. My mum loved babies but not children so much. She couldn’t cope with us all.
I’ve had a friend since I was small who now has 5. She took no notice of how things had been for me. She used to boast about how having another wasn’t really more expensive as they were BF and wearing hand me downs.
They’re teenagers now. She does nothing but complain about how messy, how much time they take up, how she has no free time, how expensive, how much food they eat. She can give them no financial help with uni. Her useless ex was useless was number one but she carried on.

I think people can’t see past the baby stage.

I was married to a soldier, and I can remember being at playgroup with women who seemed utterly defeated by their children when their husbands were deployed. I never wanted to see children as a chore so I stopped at one.

@badlydrawnbear. I am so sorry to hear of your loss.

Time, money, etc was a consideration for me and DH, as was our family background (we each came from families with 2DC). However, the biggest difference for me was the fact I wanted a career after children; I could see that still happening with two kids, but not with three - it would mean a full decade out of the workforce, wrestling toddlers and the subsequent childcare bills.

The few mothers I have seen with 4+ children have made that aspect of family life their "career", so to speak, as most of us probably would prior to contraception being available. The pill has only been around for 60 years and I don't think the full impact of that on families and gender roles has yet hit home.

@badlydrawnbear

I have 2 DC. DH died suddenly and unexpectedly last month. I have no idea how it will be possible to bring them up on my own, emotionally, financially, time. I have a job, but it involves being out of the house from 6.30am until 9.30pm and working night shifts and weekends. It is not possible to get childcare for that, so I probably can't go back to work (I am off sick at the moment while I work out what to do). We had DC, expecting we would bring them up together as a team. Even if we had seperated, DH would still have been involved in their lives, been there emotionally and provided for them financially. But no one expects what has happened to us to happen (DH was 41), and no one can or should live their lives just in case it does.

So sorry for your loss

I don't know I have four, planned 3 but twins. If the DC's Dad died or me then we have appropriate life insurance to support the remaining parent so would be financially ok. The emotional impact of losing a parent is a different thing. Perhaps having siblings to support you might help.

@badlydrawnbear so sorry for your loss

I don't think it is just about if a parent could manage alone but also what if one/both lose their job, become ill etc etc.

When I read posts that say I/we have 4/5/6 children but x x x has happened and we have no money I always wonder why exactly they had so many with no thought to the future.

Its not just if something happens to the parents but also DC.

One of mine was diagnosed SN aged 9. The 7 year old is about to be assessed. Things that we assumed would naturally get easier as they got older, haven't.

I did consider my ability to cope before deciding no to DC3.

mydogisthebest I do agree with this. I am grateful our country has a support system for when things go wrong (it’s especially important when one parent dies for example) but I still believe in making sensible decisions with the awareness that life can have its ups and downs and ultimately we should be able to afford the children we have.

I had four knowing I could support them. I dont think I ever factored in dh being totally absent from their lives. If he died we would be insured while they are still young. If he walked he would still need to pay and parent in some degree.

But there are things no one can predict or prepair for like the children being disabled. That was never ever in my radar. What can you do? You just crack on. It amuses me what people wonder I cope. I have no choice and dont know any different really. Same as if dh disappeared tomorrow.

It's an interesting question. I only have a toddler DS right now. DH and I are planning one or two more, but with larger age gaps - I absolutely could not cope with 2 under 2 as I am useless at the baby stage.

That being said, we're both life insuranced ip to the hilt, so that if either one of us died we could afford to pay off the mortgage and pay for a lot of extra childcare.

If DH left me I'd hunt him down for child support with the most terrifying lawyers I could afford.

My DH is chronically ill and may well die much earlier than "average". We had 2 children and a major aspect of the decision not to have a 3rd was due to my expectation that I may well need to bring them up alone (and cope alone when he is hospitalised etc, which used to happen regularly a few years ago). Although I'm slightly sad not to have more, I am 100% sure this was the right decision for all of us.

No. And it baffles me when people who are already on their knees financially and emotionally choose to have more....... Ultimately the kids end up suffering. Because those cute little babies grow up.

I should add that this isn't really a financial thing - we have insurances for that and I earn well myself. It was more a time / energy / quality parenting thing - my 2 kids are well supported into following their own interests and hobbies etc. It would be very hard for 1 adult to support 3+ children in the same way.

I honestly don’t find a lot of the things people on MN find hard that difficult. I really enjoyed raising my children when they were little and so far the teen years are good too. I think it’s just dependent on what you enjoy doing.

Interesting thread OP. I did find it odd SIL tried for a third when it was obvious that BIL couldn’t cope with two children on his own as having three wasn’t going to make it easier. They also complain about the childcare costs but all three DC were planned so they knew they were looking at a hefty childcare bill having 3 under 4.

If it came to it, I think SIL could cope with all three in her own if she had to. BIL couldn’t and I don’t know what would happen if something happened to her. Scares me a bit!

@TillyDevon

mydogisthebest I do agree with this. I am grateful our country has a support system for when things go wrong (it’s especially important when one parent dies for example) but I still believe in making sensible decisions with the awareness that life can have its ups and downs and ultimately we should be able to afford the children we have.

If couples stuck with 1 or 2 children at least they know if things go badly wrong they should be entitled to benefits for those children

I work with children who have experienced trauma, and their parents. I often think to myself about how children’s needs can change so quickly and one child in a sibling group can require so much of their parent(s) time and effort, that the others go almost without. I often work with families with large sibling groups, with one or more of the children traumatised, and one or more of them having disabilities or special educational needs. No matter what the parents do, they simply cannot meet that level of need in their family. None of the children get what they need and the parents are miserable.

I have decided to have two children because I know my own limits and I know I couldn’t cope with more than two if anything unexpected like that comes up. I also know financially I couldn’t support more than two on my own. We have hefty life insurance and critical illness insurance for if the worst happens - though how to manage financially would probably be the least of my worries in those circumstances.

I also think, even with no additional needs and no significant trauma, I know that I am only capable of being the kind of parent that I want to be to two children. So whilst I can absolutely see myself wanting ‘just one more’ baby, I don’t think in the longer term it would be fair on me or my children.

Number two isn’t here yet and I am nervous about what could happen if there are any complications not picked up in screenings or during the birth.

@badlydrawnbear I’m so sorry for your loss. You must be reeling.

@5zeds

I honestly don’t find a lot of the things people on MN find hard that difficult. I really enjoyed raising my children when they were little and so far the teen years are good too. I think it’s just dependent on what you enjoy doing.

Whether you 'enjoy' doing things with your children or not is sort of neither here nor there if there is a major loss of income, you are forced to parent alone or some other occurence and your ability to cope across a range of factors - time, money, attention, etc - doesn't match what is needed. That's the point that's being made by the OP.

My SIL certainly wasn't expecting her lovely DH to die and leave her a widow aged 29 with three small children. If she'd known he was going to get galloping cancer and go from healthy to dead in 6 months, no doubt she'd have chosen to have fewer children. But life's not like that, is it?

Sorry, but threads like this really rile me. There is always that slight undercurrent that women who are left holding the babies are somehow the architects of their own misfortune.

You see, I had two children and I could certainly manage if DH died or something, but I wasn’t going to hedge my bets in case he buggered off, because he wasn’t going to.
I suppose there are scenarios where we might have shared parenting in different establishments, but from the day eldest DD was born there was no way he was just going to disappear!

People will be surprised, I didn’t think my ex would disappear but he did 🤷‍♀️