Should you have more kids than you (alone) could care for?

[EvilHerbivore]

Sort of inspired by another thread so hope that's okay...
But was just thinking about when choosing to have kids, should you always make sure you can manage whatever number on your own?
I have 2 DC and ex-DP left unexpectedly so I guess I didn't really get much of a choice in the matter but reading the thread where the poster has 4 DC and said she needs her DP at home - what happens if he did ever leave?

@5zeds - but whether you enjoy it or not, if you are a sole parent and then one child of 5 gets very Ill and requires all your time, you have to admit you would be spread much thinner across 4 others. Or if you became very Ill it would be harder to find family and friends in general to help look after 5.

@waybill

My SIL certainly wasn't expecting her lovely DH to die and leave her a widow aged 29 with three small children. If she'd known he was going to get galloping cancer and go from healthy to dead in 6 months, no doubt she'd have chosen to have fewer children. But life's not like that, is it?

Sorry, but threads like this really rile me. There is always that slight undercurrent that women who are left holding the babies are somehow the architects of their own misfortune.

I don't think it's that. But how I would cope alone is something I did give thought to.

After all the point is that none of us know what the future holds.

Plan for the worst; hope for the best.

I thought really hard about having number 2 knowing I would have to do the day to day grunt work as ex was a bit useless with the one we had. I don't think I considered finances solo at that point. I presumed I would go back to work once they were in school/secondary at the latest.

Turns out I have two disabilities and make disabled children so good we did not have a third. I can't work and care for these children.

I want to go back to work if I can when they are old enough to be more independent.

@Caspianberg yes of course just as if one of an only child’s parents gets seriously ill it impacts how the other parent copes. Those are temporary difficulties and can be challenging, however most people buy insurance in case their house burns down rather than not having a house.

@theleafandnotthetree if there is a major loss of income, you are forced to parent alone or some other occurence and your ability to cope across a range of factors - time, money, attention, etc - doesn't match what is needed. That's the point that's being made by the OP. yes and my point was I think I could do it and am fairly confident I can meet the needs of my children. It’s hypothetical anyway, I mean zombie apocalypse I think we’d be dead with or without dh, I could definitely cope with less physical support, I wouldn’t want to but I could.

Ive thought about this a bit. I was one of 4 children with an 8 year age gap from eldest to youngest. I loved being part of a big family - when we had a get together it was great fun. But in reality from 14 I was on my own with my parents - my siblings having fled the nest.

I would have loved to have a big family myself particularly now they're older. But I had a rewarding career and two was enough for that - more so since I got divorced. I lived my dc dearly but had to work out how to give them both enough care and attention, getting yo school meetings snd events whilst managing my work commitments. I sort of worked on the principle of outnumbered. When they're small and all fall over at the same time... how would I scoop them all up?

In reality most of us don't go into marriage and having children with the idea that it will end in divorce. But mostly we work out what will work with our careers and financially.

Another life I'd have been a mother of 4 with a faithful husband. Byt I know another whole part of who I am would not have been nurtured and grown.

But if if I was advising my DC I'd probably be on the side of caution about having a lot of kids. (Not least because they think I will be helping them out with care!).