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Original poster

5 years left to live - how would you spend it?

94 replies

howtolive · 04/10/2021 19:30

You're early 30s and you are expected to die in the next 5 years.

How do you want your everyday life to look?

None of the bucket list bullshit, just the normal everyday. How would you need your life to look for you to feel that your remaining years were meaningful and fulfilling? How would you be spending a normal day or week?

Feeling lost. I want my life to be normal not a succession of 'big ticket' items being chased, but our culture is all built around the assumption we will have decades of time to play with and should be pursuing long term goals and taking a long term view to everything.

I don't want to start something that would take 10 years knowing I have no chance of coming close to seeing it through - it's too painful, I can forget my prognosis when I'm living in the present but not if I try and do things I know I'll never complete. It's like a slap in the face.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:

CharlotteRose90 · 04/10/2021 19:34

Oh my. This is me. I’m 31 and been told I’ve probably got 5 or less years. I’m planning on travelling as much as I can. Planning on buying myself the car I want. For me I go to work full time and focus on that as well as family and friends etc . I also have been saving a massive amount of money for a house deposit but I need to decide if I buy a house or whether that money will be left To family. It’s hard to think about sometimes.

optimistic40 · 04/10/2021 19:39

I'm sorry if this is the news that you are dealing with.

For me... ok, so I have two children and am a single parent. So I would be trying to find ways to work less. Perhaps I would try to live with relatives. I don't know. I would just want to do the things I love, luckily I have a lot of those. And just spend time with the people I love, enjoying their company.

Actually, I might even consider trying to live somewhere warmer, but that might not be feasible, I guess...

MintJulia · 04/10/2021 19:43

I have a 13yo ds. I'd focus on getting him to adulthood as calmly as possible, and have as much gentle every day fun as possible.

optimistic40 · 04/10/2021 19:44

I missed the normal day or week.

I love appreciating nature so would like to start days taking a walk and maybe going to a cafe. When feeling lively, seeing friends, and when not, reading books. Painting. Yoga. Going out for lovely meals. Taking my children on days out (when they're not at school).

Going to warm places and being near the sea.

Hmm.. what do you love? What do you wish you could do more of right now?

applesandpears33 · 04/10/2021 19:52

If you can forget your prognosis when you are living in the present I'd try to do things that you find utterly absorbing. For me, that would be doing yoga, or something new where I really needed to concentrate such as learning a new musical instrument.

Misspacorabanne · 04/10/2021 19:54

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
I also have kids, so I'd want to spend as much time with them as I can. Quality time with family and closest friends, photos, memory boxes made. Days out, weekends away if I can. I'd want to put something in writing to my kids. I'd also cut my hours down if it was possible. Keep talking to your closest relatives and friends, don't bottle things up.

DGFB · 04/10/2021 19:58

I’d quit work and spend the time doing things I want to do. I’d read all the books I want to, meet friends for lunch and coffee, spend more time dressing and doing make-up, go for country walks, get some exercise. Mostly I’d try and spend as much time as I could with the people I love.
I also have children and so would write to them and take photos etc

Original poster

howtolive · 04/10/2021 20:02

@CharlotteRose90 I'm sorry you're in this position too. I keep going around in circles about stopping my pension contributions - part of me feels like if I keep building a pension and acting like I'm here for the long term then this situation might go away.

Do you have any particular travel plans?

OP posts:

Pemmican · 04/10/2021 20:02

I'd quit work and devote myself to gardening.

I'd sit with my face in the sun as often as I could.

Florence282 · 04/10/2021 20:02

I'm really sorry this is happening to you. I'd really want to lose all the everyday stresses as much as possible, I've spent most of my life looking forward to retirement so I think I'd cut back at work as much as possible and spend as much time as possible enjoying the simple pleasures in life. Lots of beach and woodland walks, lots of nature, time with my pets, I'd try and travel, see sunsets and sunrises, I've recently been teaching myself to paint so more of that, I'd try and read lots of good books, watch great films. You can probably tell that I'm an introvert and people don't really feature heavily on that list!

YogaLite · 04/10/2021 20:04

My DS has a life limiting condition but is not aware of it as we don't want to destroy his mental state and it's left to us, his parents, to fill in his life with what gives him pleasure.

Being in nature, being by the sea, having some small pleasurable things to look forward to short term, living for today, not planning too far ahead. Some travel in the past which now is getting considerably less.

The hardest thing is faking being happy and each birthday and Christmas is getting worse.

It certainly puts life in perspective and housework is never the top of the list.

Hope those of u who are in this situation manage to find some daily pleasure in little things in life

SquirrelFan · 04/10/2021 20:05

If you can, volunteer? Working with animals is very absorbing. Sorry you're going through this.

Original poster

howtolive · 04/10/2021 20:06

@applesandpears33

I feel stupid saying this, but I hadn't thought about it like that. The kinds of things I used to lose myself in were all set up as building towards a future goal, so they suddenly all became pointless and painful. But I can see how your examples wouldn't necessarily feel like that... something to think about.

OP posts:

bloodywhitecat · 04/10/2021 20:06

DH has been able to draw down his pension early, tax free as he has a prognosis of less than 12 months so I would keep it going for now if you can.

NotJustACigar · 04/10/2021 20:07

Do you have children, OP?

I think I would work on my friendships- either building new ones or strengthening the ones I have. I'm a member of a Facebook group called wild women wanderers and there are thousands of women on their from around the country who meet up to go on hikes etc together. If you're physically able to do that I would join them as a way to get out in nature and of meeting people. I would want to spend as much time in beautiful natural surroundings as possible.

Seriallover · 04/10/2021 20:08

I'm so sorry, both of you @howtolive & @CharlotteRose90

I think I would carry on as I am (but quit by part time job) and keep things normal for my children. I am very good at making memories & taking lots of photos for them anyway. It's hard to decide how id want to spend the last 5 years of my life when I am not in your situation.

Would you mind me asking what is that you've been diagnosed with? You don't need to tell us, if you don't feel comfortable

CityDweller · 04/10/2021 20:08

Spend as much time as possible with the people I love and whose company I enjoy. Relationships are what really matter in life.

Original poster

howtolive · 04/10/2021 20:10

@YogaLite Thank you for sharing your experience, I'm so sorry you're in that position.

OP posts:

BasinHaircut · 04/10/2021 20:12

Assuming that I still need to work to live - less work and more hobbies and spending time with people I love and like being around.

Say yes to everything I want to, and no to everything that doesn’t suit me - no compromise unless it’s for my DS’s benefit.

So sorry this is your reality

Florence282 · 04/10/2021 20:14

YogaLite sending love and strength to you and your family.

MaybeWeShouldGoToEastbourne · 04/10/2021 20:15

I’d travel, travel and travel. I’m thinking of quitting my job and doing this anyway. Who knows what is around the corner.

Clymene · 04/10/2021 20:17

I'm so sorry to read this. I think honestly, my answers would totally depend on if I had children or not.

As you haven't mentioned them, I'm going to assume you don't. So I would: a) do all the things I've wanted to do and haven't had time. Learn about birds. Grow a load of veg. Learn how to sail. Travel
b) think about how you want to be remembered. What can you do to give the people who will be devastated by your death comfort?
c) make life easy for the people I was leaving. I would sell my house and downsize to a studio. Clear out all my crap. Make sure my will was up to date. Plan and pay for my funeral.

Well I'd like to think I'd do those things. I might sit weeping in a corner, I honestly don't know.

PlantDoctor · 04/10/2021 20:21

@CityDweller

Spend as much time as possible with the people I love and whose company I enjoy. Relationships are what really matter in life.

This sums up my ideas pretty well too. I'm so sorry this is happening to you both

In terms of day to day, I currently have a toddler so spend my days with her anyway (work part time when she's asleep). I'd probably keep that up if I needed the income or to allow DH to go part time too so we can spend more time together. I'd have to sit and think about their future finances to work out if this was sensible but I'd hope it would be.

Original poster

howtolive · 04/10/2021 20:23

Oh gosh, I wasn't expecting any replies. Thank you to everyone who has responded and been so kind. Feeling a bit overwhelmed now.

If nothing else, I think reading these replies has reinforced to me that I do want to reduce my hours at work. The thought of making that decision made me feel vulnerable and like I was "giving up" too soon, but realistically I would probably be less sad if work took up less space.

to everyone replying from personal experience. I am sorry if my post popping up this evening has caused you pain.

OP posts:

Lweji · 04/10/2021 20:24

Even if doctors say 5 years, you could live longer.
Some people on this thread might live less and not be at all aware.

I'd try to get as much enjoyment out of life as possible. Be with people I really like. Do things that bring joy. It could be in a selfish or selfless way.

It seems to me that you're still processing this new reality. You might never be able to. But you may achieve contentment in something every day.

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