5 years left to live - how would you spend it?

[howtolive]

You're early 30s and you are expected to die in the next 5 years.

How do you want your everyday life to look?

None of the bucket list bullshit, just the normal everyday. How would you need your life to look for you to feel that your remaining years were meaningful and fulfilling? How would you be spending a normal day or week?

Feeling lost. I want my life to be normal not a succession of 'big ticket' items being chased, but our culture is all built around the assumption we will have decades of time to play with and should be pursuing long term goals and taking a long term view to everything.

I don't want to start something that would take 10 years knowing I have no chance of coming close to seeing it through - it's too painful, I can forget my prognosis when I'm living in the present but not if I try and do things I know I'll never complete. It's like a slap in the face.

Any thoughts?

I think this is really hard to answer. It very much depends what matters to you. Is there something you want to learn about, people you want to spend time with, things that calm you?

I’m so sorry you are facing this. It’s very unfair.

Sorry you are going through this op.

My dh (41) was diagnosed at 38 with stage 4 terminal bowel cancer with 18 months to live. We have 3 amazing children. Thankfully he is still here but probably not for that long (months). We have done so much together as a family even with lockdown.
A couple of abroad holidays, trips to see places he loves, a few separate things with each child, a new puppy! Organised lots, spent hours chatting into the early hours. Taken many many photos. Meals out with family and friends. Nearly finished our gardens, walks in all weathers. We just fill our/his time with as much love and support as we can.
It's shit but somedays we forget what's really happening and just be silly.

Oh, dh stopped his pension payments pretty early on and we spent it on the most outrageously priced new bed! But comfort means so much for him right now.

[quote howtolive]@CharlotteRose90 I'm sorry you're in this position too. I keep going around in circles about stopping my pension contributions - part of me feels like if I keep building a pension and acting like I'm here for the long term then this situation might go away.

Do you have any particular travel plans?[/quote]
I go phases of planning to save whatever I can to do this and that In the future then realise. I am however saving whatever I can though. I don’t have kids sadly so that money will be for my mum and brother.

Travel wise I plan to see whatever I can. In fact I am currently in Malta and I have 5 days in Tenerife next month. Aiming for a few more trips next year if I can. I’m lucky to be in a job I love which takes my mind off everything.

Saturday mornings is for parkrun. Even if you can’t run the 5k, you can always walk it with one of the volunteers. Then stop for coffee and croissants with the other park runners.

Then mooch in town, a bit of shopping, lunch with friends, art gallery, book shop.
Saturday evenings is for friends, either go out, get a takeaway, board games, movies.

Sunday mornings are for breakfast in bed followed by either a walk, then home for soup and homemade bread, or a swim and then sauna. Sunday afternoons are for curling up with a good book, cups of tea and a big wedge of cake.

Mondays I wouldn’t work, it would be admin day. Prepare menus for the week, arrange seeing friends, do food shopping, clean the house, do some gardening, do the washing etc.
Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays I’d work. Fridays would be a ME day, whatever I really want to do, be it gym, visit another town/county, book club maybe, manicure, facials, 2 hours in the bath with a book, whatever I want.

Have you ever heard of seasonal bucket lists? Say, in autumn, make a pile of leaves and jump in, bake apples filled with sugar and cinnamon, walk and then come home to a pot of soup followed by a snooze in front of the tv under a blanket, Guy Fawkes night, throw a Hallowe’en party/decorate the house and buy lots of sweets for the neighbourhood kids, carve a pumpkin etc. You get the idea.
I’m sorry you’ve got this prognosis, big hugs to you, enjoy every day 🤗

I would quit stop paying into the pension now and use the money for some thing I enjoy.

I would travel to the places I’ve had ‘on my list’ (nothing exciting/too exotic, but still).

I would reduce my hours at work (but keep on part time for a year or two more to have that structure - also gives me time to build up friendships and groups outside work.

I would volunteer a few times a week (but not management roles - just volunteering at the basic level).

I would Wade through my list of books to read.

I would ignore all news/politics. It won’t affect me so I wouldn’t need the misery of media reporting.

I would spend time outside in the sun, experiencing the snow, enjoying the sensation of the rain and the wind.

And I would focus on my family and trying to get the best out of each day.

Can’t really add anything. But just wanted to send much love and strength to all of you who are going through this. Big hugs to you all x

I’d stop going to work and stay at home with my kids trying to make as many memories as possible so they’d remember me as they’d both be very very young still in 5 years.

Selling up and moving to the coast. Walks on the beach. That would be it for me.

Sorry you are having to look into this 💐

I don't think anyone will be devastated by my death. Momentarily sad before they forget me and move on maybe. My life is very small.

This situation has taken away my chance to have children. That is a factor right now in feeling that my life has been pointless. I don't want to sound ungrateful for what I have got; it's just a bit difficult sometimes to feel grateful for these circumstances.

I’m so sorry you’re in this position.

I am also a little way into this with one of the DC. Like a PP he isn’t aware of the situation. We changed our whole life because of it though. In some ways for us it makes life weirdly better & less complicated on a daily basis, but we are through the bit where it was continually devastating and exhausting but where it was all the just most overwhelming shock.

We do lots of outdoor things, say no to stuff that is too much, try & see as much as possible of the people that matter.

It has made it much easier to put things in perspective and see what matters and what doesn’t.

Surround yourself by good people. Have fun when you get an opportunity to. Don’t do anything just to please people or because of what people do/don’t think.

Swim in the sea, sit outside at night with a fire, hug people and tell them you love them. Say thank you and try and be grateful for small things each day. Just do as many little things as you can that you enjoy and see the beautiful things in everyday life.

Being kind to other people also helps, because so many people actually have so many difficult things going on. You find this out when you’re going through terrible times because people tell you their stories.

I hope you can find ways to be happy and enjoy life every day. No one actually knows what is around the corner.

Oh op! They will be... More than you know!
Do you have many close relatives? Life is so unfair! Do you have any other children in your life? Close friends children perhaps? Nieces or nephews?
Also to @YogaLite with the poorly Ds! I'm so so sorry!

@Thedogshow

I am so sorry that you are going through this! Like you I don't have any children so I would reduce my hours at work and spend as much time as possible with my nieces and nephews with trips to the park, river and seaside or cinema, theatre, shopping, fairs and festivals...anything to see as many smiles on their faces as possible xx

I can actually imagine little snippets of a life reading through. Which is nice but also feels weird because when I posted all I could see was darkness.

I know it might be more (or less) time, and that anything could happen to anyone at any time - it's the knowing in advance that it's coming, not being able to change it, and not being able to kid myself that I'm immortal with all the time in the world.

Like CharlotteRose90 says, it's that repeated grief of forgetting long enough to find yourself making plans and then realising that no...

@Thedogshow Thank you so much, that really helps. I am sorry you have the experience to share with me in the first place.

I suppose the way this changes my perspective on the world can be a good thing, it doesn't have to be a shameful thing that I apologise for (because I feel like I don't fit in anywhere now or I will make people too sad).

Thx for posting , all of you . Actually this has reminded me to be grateful for what I have and live up to my name . I hope you OP and those of you in a similar situation can now you are loved during these years .

I wonder whether you've considered voluteering with any local charities - I'm a Trustee of a Youth theatre group and help out with chaperonning, rehearsals, makeup for shows etc etc - whilst this doesn't actually take a huge amount of experience in anything, the time I put in facilitates a good number of children to have an amazing experience on a regular basis.

@CharlotteRose90 Malta sounds really great.

I hope you feel able to give yourself permission to spend some of the money you're saving on yourself rather than solely to leave for your loved ones. Not all of it - I can see it's important to you and I don't want to stroll in as some random stranger undermining that - just some of it so you benefit too. You do deserve that.

I would move to the sea, just loads of walks on the beach, I would debate whether to homeschool him, its something I would love to do, but not something I could manage if that makes sense.

Oh gosh, so sorry to hear this.

If it was me, I think I'd stop my pension contributions, try and only pay the interest on my mortgage etc so I've got more income. I'd buy a camper van and start to explore the uk, I'd do this on my weekends, and also use it for Europe on my longer holidays. I'd spend more time with family and friends. Go part time if I could afford to.

I think I'd want to spend as much time in beautiful places as possible. Not traveling the world but just looking at stars, the sea, climbing a mountain if I could. I love watter generally- swimming, sailing, watching the waves, so all of that. Might even move near it.

But also - art. Listening to music, watching live music, reading, writing, poetry. I'd probably give writing a good old go, even if not for publication.

Friends. Spending time with good friends makes me happy.

So sorry for anyone going through this.
My cancer is stage 4 & incurable so although I haven’t been told that I have a certain number of years left my prognosis is not good.
I think I live in denial a lot of the time but my priorities are spending time with family & friends, doing things I enjoy like eating out & treating myself occasionally to a massage/ facial etc. I don’t have any big plans to travel. If I am told I have a finite period left I would love to go to New York again though.
I am early 40’s & have a young daughter. Sometimes the sadness breaks through & is overwhelming.
@howtolive I’m so sorry this has robbed you of the chance to have children. And don’t worry about feeling ungrateful sometimes. It’s a shit situation & despite all the advice to stay positive & ‘live in the moment’ it’s bloody hard at times.

Huge love to you @howtolive.

Thank you for reminding me that every day is precious, every personal contact has meaning and that here and now, today, is my reality.
❤️

Oh well, I had the same thought in my 30s and… left my husband, raised our son alone, spent most weekends away at the hills or the coast, grew my network of friends exponentially, became good at a hobby, got a job I loved and met some lovely men.

I would not say that change is easy, it bloody wasn’t, especially with a young child onboard but it was such a very happy time.

I just sent DS to uni, so I’m itching to restart my life again. 🙂