5 years left to live - how would you spend it?

[howtolive]

You're early 30s and you are expected to die in the next 5 years.

How do you want your everyday life to look?

None of the bucket list bullshit, just the normal everyday. How would you need your life to look for you to feel that your remaining years were meaningful and fulfilling? How would you be spending a normal day or week?

Feeling lost. I want my life to be normal not a succession of 'big ticket' items being chased, but our culture is all built around the assumption we will have decades of time to play with and should be pursuing long term goals and taking a long term view to everything.

I don't want to start something that would take 10 years knowing I have no chance of coming close to seeing it through - it's too painful, I can forget my prognosis when I'm living in the present but not if I try and do things I know I'll never complete. It's like a slap in the face.

Any thoughts?

If you don’t need to work perhaps volunteer for a charity where you can really add value.

@Bluekangaroo123

Those phrases ‘stay positive’ and ‘fighting’ cancer are just dreadful.

As if.

Huge love to you too - and all the other PPs on here .

So sorry OP and for the other posters facing prognoses for themselves or their loved ones. The present is all we have. I would be focusing on trying to find something beautiful or wonderful in every day. The steam coming off a coffee, the sound of rain, the sunset, a snatch of music as a car goes past, a silly joke with a friend.
There is research about the benefits of keeping a gratitude journal. Just noting 3 simple things a day you are grateful for can help stave off fear for the future.
You sound lovely and my thoughts are with you.

OP, if you do go to Malta, and if you're up to it, do take the boat trip to Comino island and swim in the Blue Lagoon and the Crystal Lagoon. They are truly beautiful. (The water is almost fluorescent turquoise in the Crystal Lagoon.)
Do everything that you want to do - for me, that would be sailing around the world!
I'm sorry you find yourself in that position and truly wish you well.

Oh, and I bought myself an inflatable hot tub this year. I've just been in it, in fact, and being pain-free and sitting out there looking up at the stars is wonderful.

To all of you going through this, or who have children with life limiting illness' I am completely in awe of you.

@howtolive please don't feel your life has been pointless, you won't even be aware of the people whose lives you have touched, even with this thread you have brought people together & made many of us think! I'm really sorry to hear you're in this situation, there really aren't any words, but I send you lots of love & strength.

I don't think any of us not in your situation can really say what we'd do or what we'd want. Also without knowing how are health would be over that time.

But I think these are some of the things I'd do...

I have T2 diabetes and it's diet controlled. Instead I would take medication and eat what I wanted.

I'd sell my place & buy something (overseas) near my mum, best friend & my god daughters, but rent it out for a while, while I rented somewhere in the south of France.

I'd declutter my 'stuff'
Properly sort my will out
Write lots of letters to the people I love
Drink lots of wine & cocktails (medication dependant)

Makes me wonder why I don't do all of that now really...

But this is about you & I really hope you can wring a lot of happiness out of your day to day life xx

I would travel.
Also learn the piano.
I would work as little as possible.

If you want to live in the moment, open water swimming is amazing. Fucking freezing but makes you feel so present and so good in such a short space of time. Join a group to stay safe if you try it.

A friend who is a counsellor, told me to try and look for a silver lining even in adversity.

Sometimes it doesn't feel right, like going against the common sense, eg. not saving for the future, but as long as it makes sense to you, it doesn't really matter.

@CharlotteRose90, please say hello to the Malta cats, fond memories of better days...

For me, I’d spend time in nature. Sea, beach, mountains, fields, lakes. I’d reduce work as much as possible so that I had school hours to invest in me and DH, and we’d have lunch together every day. I’d join a posh gym and spend time in the sauna and steam room. I’d read and stroke my cats. I’d travel if health permitted it.

I’d do normal Mum stuff with the kids and I’d spend time making everyday things special somehow. Like turning a Wednesday evening into move night, or star gazing night.

I’d slow our pace of life down so I can catch my breath and drink it in. I’d have therapy to help me through the emotions.

It’s actually hitting me how similar this list is to my If I Won The Lottery List

Op there is a lady on Instagram called Limitless Em… she has terminal cancer and has a great outlook on life.

When my father was terminally ill, I felt that hope was a complete traitor. It did me no good and “hoping” wasn’t going to change anything. It felt futile. Gratitude felt much more real and tangible.

Very best wishes to you op, I hope you settle in to your time and find a way of living that you can enjoy.

I'm sorry for anyone going through this

In a way it has made me stop and ask myself what would I do. I don't have children yet but I would absolutely love to have them and watch my babies grow into little people who talk, think and laugh. I think I would spend a lot of time offering to babysit friends' children, or maybe volunteer at some sort of baby group or nursery.

I would still work because I adore my job.

I'd spend money on some good walking boots and go for lots of walks and hikes with a friend who also loves to be outside.

I would stop finding reasons why I'm always busy with work, and instead fly over every weekend to see my dear friend who lives far away. Might even move back to the country she lives in which I consider my home, even more than my native country. We'd spend evenings under a blanket watching nonsense TV and eating all kinds of crap.

I'd focus on people rather than on experiences. Which is sadly the opposite of what I have been doing until now.

I don't think anyone will be devastated by my death. Momentarily sad before they forget me and move on maybe. My life is very small.

Just because you have been given an indication of the limits on your life it doesn't mean you haven't or won't make an impact on the world. Sir Tom Moore was known by few of us a year before he died, yet he achieved a lot in that year. Don't underestimate yourself, but at the same time don't place too many demands on yourself, sometimes the smallest actions can have lasting effects. Maybe people won't know who you are but you will have influenced people around you through your life.

I have been much happier since I decided to live in the moment and look for the best in people. I don't achieve that all the time, but I try.

Thanks @Izzy24, that’s lovely. Obviously it’s great to have a positive outlook but I feel like it’s ok to have negative moments too. I completely agree that it isn’t helpful to see cancer as a battle. I feel so sad when I read that someone has ‘lost their battle with cancer.’

I'm sorry for your situation. My husband was diagnosed with stage IV cancer in April 2020 at 36 years old. He realistically now has less than 12 months left, probably closer to six.

We've spent our time, when I'm not working, going for walks going, going to galleries and the cinema, eating in good restaurants, binging Netflix/Prime/Disney, reading books and graphic novels, listening to music - his major passion - visiting my family and keeping in touch with friends. He's very good at living in the moment, me less so. He's on active treatment so travel isn't really on the cards but maybe later in the year. We have a trip to London planned in a few weeks. Have booked a ridiculously extragant hotel so that should be fun when we rock up looking like students!

I am so sorry that you are in this position.

I just thought about it and if it were me, and I didn't have children (do you have a dp?) I would move to a caravan (a big one that can be lived in) on a cliff by the sea. I would garden and paint (even if by numbers!) and create things. I'd do jigsaws and read books and watch the stars at night.

Which sounds romantic doesn't it? Because I can't imagine what you must feel and life isn't a TV show and you're not trying to live so romantic nomadic life. And in reality I would probably cry a lot and panic and worry, and all of those things are OK.

When my anxiety was at its peak (not at all the same thing and I'm bit comparing just offering something that helped in that circumstance) I had a book and I'd write down 3 good things that had happened that day, even ifnit was hearing birds sing or someone letting me cross the road when they didn't have to. Are you having any counselling or support?

If you enjoy your work then I would reduce hours but keep it up. Can you volunteer somewhere - making a big short term difference that doesn't feel too much like you need to achieve a big future goal? Or take part in something that leaves something - like helping plant a community garden or some similar project?

Will your health allow you to take up something that is physical/will get out some of the angst like kick boxing or rock climbing or something? Kind of anti meditation aimed at expending pent up energy.

I do not think that anyone's life is pointless. We do not have to achieve great things to have worth. We all touch many lives in small ways, and those are what give point to life, as well as our own intrinsic enjoyment of those things that bring us pleasure.

But in the long term, we all fade from memory, and I guess that is the course of nature. MY OH's grave deliberately is of soft stone with shallow engraving so that his memory can be allowed to fade as new generations take over.

It is the big challenge we all face, finding purpose to our lives. These are big questions to which no-one has a definitive answer. But I have come to the conclusion that if I am enjoying something simple (for instance pottering around in my garden on my own) my joy in that is important and contributes to the sum of human happiness.

In your shoes I think I would be seeking those things that give me pleasure in the moment - as humans we are very bad at living in the moment. As others have said we are always striving towards the next goal, and thinking to the future. For me it would be my garden, the sea (I would have to go back to the sea for some of the life I had left), reading, and above all else listening to the beautiful music that has enhanced my whole life.

I am sure we all would have our different choices - but I do not think it is necessary to do big things - treasuring the small things might be the way to go and recognising the intrinsic worth of the pleasure they bring you.

As someone else has said, doing things that absorb you and bring you pleasure are important - pottery is lovely. It is restful and creative, but may not be something you would want to try.

You will be in my thoughts. Thank you for raising these important questions, which might help me and others to think about how we spend our time and our lives.

Sorry for anyone going through this.

I thought about this a little before when we had a friend diagnosed with stomach cancer unfortunately picked up at stage 4 and dead 6 months later and so he never got to do any of the things he wanted to do.

I think it will vary by person and circumstances what you would do. In my case I have kids and a husband and first of all I would want to make sure will was done and they were in a position to move forward without me.

Work would depend how much we both enjoyed it and financial position and kids schooling. If it was possible I would buy a dream house maybe on an island like Isles of Scilly and live there but not sure if that would be practical with hospital care needed. So a dream house elsewhere and make it lovely.

After that I would travel as much as I could and see as much as the world as possible though not sure how viable that would be at the moment and ill.

We also have lots of pets and would enjoy time with them. I love canoeing and swimming so would do those as much as I were able to.

I would spend lots of time in nature, meditating, try and nurture the important connections in my life, and take a large amount of psilocybin.

Sorry you are facing this OP. x

Love to all you strong and amazing people on this thread. I've read it in awe of you all and given myself a good shake; it is a very humbling thread.

I love for how many nature, the sea and animals are a feature.

Sorry, to answer your question, as well as the above I would eat really delicious food, I'd do all the things that are bad for you and enjoy sticking two fingers up to whatever illness I had. I would possibly do something I was scared of, on the basis I wouldn't be around see the consequences- maybe a sky dive or being in a pantomime. I'd also watch as much comedy as I could fit into a day, in cashmere socks, stroking a cat and eating the very best chocolate.

It sounds as though you're struggling with the idea of your life being small or meaningless because you don't have enough time and have had to give up many of your long term goals.

If I felt that way I would want to create something. Depending on your strengths and interests could this be something painted, something crafted, something written, a garden, planting trees etc?

Could you think about whether your job fulfils this need for meaning? Perhaps you could consider a different role in a caring or charitable sector (paid as presumably you still need an income) if this isn't something you do already? Or even just a role that's face to face where you can make a difference to someone else's day, if what you're currently doing is impersonal or faceless? You could combine this with working less of course, if affordable.

Connecting to nature can give perspective that we're all very small and part of something a lot bigger whether we have a relatively many or few years left. Are you living in the right place? Could you make a radical move? Many of the most beautiful landscapes are also in the cheapest parts of the country to live. And of course there are other countries to live in. This would be something to plan for and get excited about. I think being part of a smaller and more close knit community (eg a rural village) can give a greater sense of having a place in the world and a meaning to one's existence than living anonymously in a large city. As well as the benefits of the setting itself.

I would consider, if you have equity, releasing funds by selling property you own. Renting may make more sense and give you greater flexibility and less hassle for both you and your loved ones when you come to the end of your journey.

If you can't move then joining some kind of club might be an option - again I find myself coming back to something like a craft / painting group, or a gardening / allotment type thing (could you be fast tracked for an allotment?).

Sorry you are in this position.

My Mum died suddenly when I was young, just 8. So if I knew I had a limited time left I'd make sure I'd said everything I want to say and love everyone I want to love.

I'd probably also do things I've never done. Get a tattoo, try weed. I know those aren't normal everyday things for me, but they are for some!

I think I'd slow down. All my insurances would kick in so I'd stop work. I'd concentrate on filling up my children with a much love as I possibly could.

I'm so sorry for those of you really making these decisions. Sending love.

If you're living in the present live for everyday .
I would celebrate every birthday, Christmas anniversary ,etc as much as I could . Write letters for milestones to the people I love .

I’m so sorry you’re faced with this, it’s absolutely shit.

I think, as an immediate thing, I’d decide what is in my life that I don’t enjoy and could be cut out. For me, that would be work, so I’d speak to a financial advisor about pensions and assets and get everything in place so I could work as little as possible without struggling financially. If I had a house with equity, I’d sell it and rent somewhere.

And then I’d just do the best I could to enjoy every minute. I’d spend a lot of time by the sea. I’d foster dogs. I’d take lots of photos and videos with my loved ones for them to have and for me to look over and think about how they’ve impacted me. I’d spend days reading. I’d eat the pudding. If there was anything I wanted to see or do or watch or experience , I’d do it straight away so I had time to think about it and remember it. I’d write letters. I’d not be interested in anything that didn’t make me smile, whether it be for me or for someone else.

to you and everyone else in this position.

@howtolive You sound so lovely. I am so sorry that you have this prognosis. Sending you love and strength. Xx