5 years left to live - how would you spend it?

[howtolive]

You're early 30s and you are expected to die in the next 5 years.

How do you want your everyday life to look?

None of the bucket list bullshit, just the normal everyday. How would you need your life to look for you to feel that your remaining years were meaningful and fulfilling? How would you be spending a normal day or week?

Feeling lost. I want my life to be normal not a succession of 'big ticket' items being chased, but our culture is all built around the assumption we will have decades of time to play with and should be pursuing long term goals and taking a long term view to everything.

I don't want to start something that would take 10 years knowing I have no chance of coming close to seeing it through - it's too painful, I can forget my prognosis when I'm living in the present but not if I try and do things I know I'll never complete. It's like a slap in the face.

Any thoughts?

In OP's situation, I imagine wanting to parcel a large chunk of any money I could spare to charities. That would be a small satisfying legacy. I'd parcel some time if I could donate time and not money.

Plan some nice places to visit.

"One day at a time" and remove the chronically unpleasant situations from my life. In old days I'd say travel, but doubt I could do a lot of travel in Covid times.

As it happens... old friend recently received a terminal diagnosis. He's very physically uncomfortable, sleeping badly, trying to just get some stability with his pain & physical struggles.

When those things are conquered, I imagine he'll be looking to build some memories with his son & spend as much time with son as possible. He's got to soften the blow of his passing with his family if he can.

I imagine he's not got any aspirations beyond those few points.

I don’t know about longer term day to day but I know I’d want to do a big clear out, probably something like the Swedish death clean. Get rid of all the “just in case” crap that I’ve felt too guilty to get rid of and I’d be making sure I only wore clothes that made me feel good and happy.

I would work as little as I could financially afford to. And stop any savings, instead, spending the money on me. I'd buy things I've wanted for years but have never felt I could buy.

Like really nice expensive jewellery, a beautiful necklace that I could gift to someone when the time comes.

I would spend lots of time volunteering with animals, and maybe learn to horse ride if I was physically able.

I'd delete all my social media and try to spend as little time on the internet as possible. Reading or getting lost in a TV series instead.

I'd try to laugh every day.

I'd stop ordering the cheapest meal in restaurants and get the most expensive instead.

I wouldn't put too much pressure on myself and accept that not every day will be filled with joy.

I love festivals too, so I'd try to go to as many festivals as I could

To everyone dealing with this .

I don't think I'd change anything about my life. I would carry on putting my foot down in my career - I want to squeeze as much out of myself as possible.

We enjoy weekends as a family, I have 2 young dcs. We see family and friends when we can.

I also plan events, concerts, days out to look forward to.

I think I would actually spend my savings though, over the years.

Sorry to hear about your situation OP.

Definitely stop work/pensions. I think you have to really slow down to work out whats important to you.

My first thought is will you have the same mental/physical capability to the end? If its a decline I'd start now with the energy-intensive things.

My DH died 6 months ago from a Covid-delayed diagnosis of Stage 4 cancer. They said at diagnosis he would have 12 months, but he died 9 weeks later, so don't count on always having the time you think.

Like other PP, in those weeks he liked simple pleasures, watching a light film with me, walking our dog, the sun on his face, the spring flowers in the garden, friends, and family (in short doses!). He did want to travel again to a tropical beach like we did pre-Covid but didn't get to.

I’ve been mulling this overnight as had a cancer diagnoses almost 5 years ago and am now (as far as we know) ok, though my peace of mind has gone.

Anyhow my musings

Sort will etc and then forget it

Physical comfort - right up the list of priorities sleep, cosy bed, comfy armchair, favourite mug, great shoes, little things

Working - depends entirely on what you get from it not only financial but a good sick leave policy is not to be sniffed at, nor is the routine and normalness of it all

Self care - unless you hate the hairdressers going regularly is good for a good chat and feeling cared for (massages etc if not hated with a passion)

Relationships - stick with the ones that don’t drag you down

Caring responsibilities - if able, having to care for a pet brings a reason to keep going/getting up maybe fostering or walking a neighbours dog regularly if you don’t have your own or a pet share with your brother/mum

Acceptance - that life is like elastic it can stretch for too long or break unreasonably early but it is still life and to be treasured with as much good stuff as poss

Medical care - ask for what you need and faithfully follow the protocol for anti nausea and painkillers and hydration at home and know there are other things to try if they don’t cut it, keep communicating with your medical team for the best support

X

@YogaLite

A friend who is a counsellor, told me to try and look for a silver lining even in adversity.

Sometimes it doesn't feel right, like going against the common sense, eg. not saving for the future, but as long as it makes sense to you, it doesn't really matter.

@CharlotteRose90, please say hello to the Malta cats, fond memories of better days...

Aww the Maltese cats are lovely, I’ve been feeding them along with the 5000 lizards in my resort. It is a truly beautiful island and I for sure will be back next year.

I was given a 1-3 years prognosis 39 months ago so I retired early, took my small private pension out and did as much as I could before my heart began playing up again. I didn’t travel other than in the UK, pottered in my garden and took up some new hobbies/crafts.
I am now throwing caution to the wind and we’re moving house, hopefully near the coast, I have a rescue puppy and I am going to make the most of what money and health I have - I’m definitely not as good as I was a year ago.
If I can I will continue having my nails done, occasional massages and treating myself to whatever I fancy. My DCs are fully in the picture, as is my husband and I am damn well going to live as much as I can!

I may have missed it but do you have children?
If not & I knew by 5 years I wouldn't be here id quit my job, use my savings, stop paying a pension don't buy the house.
Just live free. Book holidays be on the beach in the sun as often as possible

I love this advice from Holly Butcher, re-read it regularly and try to live life so I won't have regrets.

Holly Butcher posted her advice to the world, 24 hours before she died of cancer. This was her message...

A bit of life advice from Hol:

“It’s a strange thing to realise and accept your mortality at 26 years young. It’s just one of those things you ignore. The days tick by and you just expect they will keep on coming; Until the unexpected happens. I always imagined myself growing old, wrinkled and grey- most likely caused by the beautiful family (lots of kiddies) I planned on building with the love of my life. I want that so bad it hurts.

That’s the thing about life; It is fragile, precious and unpredictable and each day is a gift, not a given right.

I’m 27 now. I don’t want to go. I love my life. I am happy.. I owe that to my loved ones. But the control is out of my hands.

I haven’t started this ‘note before I die’ so that death is feared – I like the fact that we are mostly ignorant to it’s inevitability.. Except when I want to talk about it and it is treated like a ‘taboo’ topic that will never happen to any of us.. That’s been a bit tough. I just want people to stop worrying so much about the small, meaningless stresses in life and try to remember that we all have the same fate after it all so do what you can to make your time feel worthy and great, minus the bullshit.

I have dropped lots of my thoughts below as I have had a lot of time to ponder life these last few months. Of course it’s the middle of the night when these random things pop in my head most!

1. Those times you are whinging about ridiculous things (something I have noticed so much these past few months), just think about someone who is really facing a problem. Be grateful for your minor issue and get over it. It’s okay to acknowledge that something is annoying but try not to carry on about it and negatively effect other people’s days.

2. Once you do that, get out there and take a freaking big breath of that fresh Aussie air deep in your lungs, look at how blue the sky is and how green the trees are; It is so beautiful. Think how lucky you are to be able to do just that – breathe.

3. You might have got caught in bad traffic today, or had a bad sleep because your beautiful babies kept you awake, or your hairdresser cut your hair too short. Your new fake nails might have got a chip, your boobs are too small, or you have cellulite on your arse and your belly is wobbling.

Let all that shit go.. I swear you will not be thinking of those things when it is your turn to go. It is all SO insignificant when you look at life as a whole. I’m watching my body waste away right before my eyes with nothing I can do about it and all I wish for now is that I could have just one more Birthday or Christmas with my family, or just one more day with my partner and dog. Just one more.

4. I hear people complaining about how terrible work is or about how hard it is to exercise – Be grateful you are physically able to. Work and exercise may seem like such trivial things … until your body doesn’t allow you to do either of them.

I tried to live a healthy life, in fact, that was probably my major passion. Appreciate your good health and functioning body- even if it isn’t your ideal size. Look after it and embrace how amazing it is. Move it and nourish it with fresh food. Don’t obsess over it.

5. Remember there are more aspects to good health than the physical body.. work just as hard on finding your mental, emotional and spiritual happiness too. That way you might realise just how insignificant and unimportant having this stupidly portrayed perfect social media body really is.. While on this topic, delete any account that pops up on your news feeds that gives you any sense of feeling shit about yourself. Friend or not.. Be ruthless for your own well-being.

6. Be grateful for each day you don’t have pain and even the days where you are unwell with man flu, a sore back or a sprained ankle, accept it is shit but be thankful it isn’t life threatening and will go away.

7. Whinge less, people! .. And help each other more.

😎 Give, give, give. It is true that you gain more happiness doing things for others than doing them for yourself. I wish I did this more. Since I have been sick, I have met the most incredibly giving and kind people and been the receiver of the most thoughtful and loving words and support from my family, friends and strangers; More than I could I ever give in return. I will never forget this and will be forever grateful to all of these people.

9. It is a weird thing having money to spend at the end.. when you’re dying. It’s not a time you go out and buy material things that you usually would, like a new dress. It makes you think how silly it is that we think it is worth spending so much money on new clothes and ‘things’ in our lives.

Buy your friend something kind instead of another dress, beauty product or jewellery for that next wedding. 1. No-one cares if you wear the same thing twice 2. It feels good. Take them out for a meal, or better yet, cook them a meal. Shout their coffee. Give/ buy them a plant, a massage or a candle and tell them you love them when you give it to them.

10. Value other people’s time. Don’t keep them waiting because you are shit at being on time. Get ready earlier if you are one of those people and appreciate that your friends want to share their time with you, not sit by themselves, waiting on a mate. You will gain respect too! Amen sister.

11. This year, our family agreed to do no presents and despite the tree looking rather sad and empty (I nearly cracked Christmas Eve!), it was so nice because people didn’t have the pressure of shopping and the effort went into writing a nice card for each other. Plus imagine my family trying to buy me a present knowing they would probably end up with it themselves.. strange! It might seem lame but those cards mean more to me than any impulse purchase could. Mind you, it was also easier to do in our house because we had no little kiddies there. Anyway, moral of the story- presents are not needed for a meaningful Christmas. Moving on.

12. Use your money on experiences.. Or at least don’t miss out on experiences because you spent all your money on material shit.

13. Put in the effort to do that day trip to the beach you keep putting off. Dip your feet in the water and dig your toes in the sand. Wet your face with salt water.

14. Get amongst nature.

15. Try just enjoying and being in moments rather than capturing them through the screen of your phone. Life isn’t meant to be lived through a screen nor is it about getting the perfect photo.. enjoy the bloody moment, people! Stop trying to capture it for everyone else.

Random rhetorical question. Are those several hours you spend doing your hair and make up each day or to go out for one night really worth it? I’ve never understood this about females

🤔.

16. Get up early sometimes and listen to the birds while you watch the beautiful colours the sun makes as it rises.

17. Listen to music.. really listen. Music is therapy. Old is best.

18. Cuddle your dog. Far out, I will miss that.

19. Talk to your friends. Put down your phone. Are they doing okay?

20. Travel if it’s your desire, don’t if it’s not.

21. Work to live, don’t live to work.

Seriously, do what makes your heart feel happy.

22. Eat the cake. Zero guilt.

23. Say no to things you really don’t want to do.

24. Don’t feel pressured to do what other people might think is a fulfilling life.. you might want a mediocre life and that is so okay.

25. Tell your loved ones you love them every time you get the chance and love them with everything you have.

26. Also, remember if something is making you miserable, you do have the power to change it – in work or love or whatever it may be. Have the guts to change. You don’t know how much time you’ve got on this earth so don’t waste it being miserable. I know that is said all the time but it couldn’t be more true.

Anyway, that’s just this one young gals life advice. Take it or leave it, I don’t mind!

Oh and one last thing, if you can, do a good deed for humanity (and myself) and start regularly donating blood. It will make you feel good with the added bonus of saving lives. I feel like it is something that is so overlooked considering every donation can save 3 lives! That is a massive impact each person can have and the process really is so simple.

Blood donation (more bags than I could keep up with counting) helped keep me alive for an extra year - a year I will be forever grateful that I got to spend it here on Earth with my family, friends and dog. A year I had some of the greatest times of my life.

..’Til we meet again.

Hol

Xoxo

Thank you for posting this @AmyDeirdre.

Reduce working hours, travel to some places that I've always wanted to go to, spend lots of time with family and friends doing simple things like a trip to the beach and just pottering about - and write a book. I've always wanted to get published, if I could do that before the end of the time I had I would feel that a part of me was still reaching people even after I had gone.

Depending on the diagnosis, some may need to be done sooner than others. Travel might need to be done asap, while spending time with family could go on until the end, for example.

Im so sorry to hear these sad stories, but thanks for sharing.

I’m lucky to be In my thirties and in good health and fitness, but I have had several family members lose all of their good health suddenly. Brain haemorrhages have been common in family members as young as 50 in my family and I’ve seen fit, healthy and capable people suddenly having to learn to walk, read and speak again.

It has made me quite impulsive, I try to do everything I want to do, this minute. If I wake up on a Saturday and decide I want to learn to knit, by lunchtime I’ll have acquired a ball of wool and needles and will be halfway through a sock. If I think the living room looks scruffy, I’ll go choose a colour and paint it. If I want to climb a mountain, I’ll get in the car and go. You never know when you will lose the capacity to do these things, so do them now.

I look after my body, I exercise hard and eat really well…but if I fancy eating out or having dessert, I will.

I make sure I never leave someone angry and try hard to build others up. Don’t put off texting or phoning someone.

We’ve all had various disappointments and restrictions over COVID and I try not to get frustrated about things I can’t do, or places I can’t go, but instead I try to find contentment and joy in the little things - hanging up clean washing on a cold sunny morning whilst listening to a good podcast can be so satisfying.

Why do a job that makes you miserable? Try to find a something you love and do it passionately. For me, that is teaching. I know lots of teachers who find the job affects their mental health - leave and find something else that doesn’t do that to you.

I like material items, but I try not to waste money and save where I can so I have more money to spend on things that will really bring me joy.

I choose not to have children for personal reasons. It hasn’t always been an easy decision, but it’s the right decision for me. I made my peace with it and don’t dwell on things I haven’t done, or won’t do.

Slightly the reverse situation here. My mum died when I was 7 and there were things I wished she'd done. I'm fairly sure she knew it was coming. As
I was so young I don't have that many memories of her but I know she did try and make them with us 4 kids. I spent quite a bit of time out of school.

For example-She took us and a caravan to camp at my big brothers boarding school on the Dorset coast.

But I wish she'd left something written down. Like a memory book, or some life rules. Letters for key life stages. That kind of thing.

I have a list of things that I'd like to add to memory books for my kids. Including the stories of their births. Because they are key moments for later In their lives.

I really wish she'd left a will.

My kids are mid teens now. So I'd make sure we had lovely holidays together while I could. In beautiful places.

I'd like to travel with my husband. I'd like to enjoy the nice weather and lovely animals we have. Enjoy our home.

I'd like to spend more time being and less time doing.

for you OP and everyone else who finds themselves having to grapple with life's really big questions.

I think for me I would find some structure and comfort if, every day, I consciously did something that was nice for me (a walk somewhere new, buy a top I'd enjoy wearing, have coffee with an old friend, listen to a beautiful piece of music), plus something that would be nice for someone else (send a friend a book I think they'd like, share a funny meme with my sister, write a letter, cook someone a meal).

I think that way I could think at the end of each day I've added something positive to someone's life that might not otherwise have happened, plus made the most of the time that I have for me as well.

I mean not necessarily every day, obviously- adding stress and pressure to do something everyday would not be helpful.

I would pay attention to simple sensory pleasures - the wind on my skin, delicious food, the scent of growing flowers, beautiful everyday art.

I would follow my curiosity - I love historic buildings and museums so would get lost in those. Read lovely fascinating books and put them down if they lost my interest.

Treats and comforts - a reclining chair, a soft cardigan , a few nights in a lovely hotel. A big TV or something beautiful I had always coveted. Objects that bring peace and comfort and spark joy and pleasure.

I would work less and spend time with people who made me happy. Not feel obliged to do or go anywhere.

I would watch more videos by Rupert Spira and contemplate the idea that I am more than my body.

I would remember that the little things are the big things. We don't have to climb mountains or make millions or help everyone to have a happy, worthwhile life. I still remember small kindnesses people have done for me like a compliment, or helping me in some small way. Even a smile or letting someone out in traffic can change the course of someone's day and ripple out to have beautiful effects.

I would try to notice little moments of love and happiness and humour and beauty in everyday life.

Sending love to all who are going through this

for you op and everyone going through this.
Like many others have already said, I'd take walks in the hills close to me, spend the day at then beach. I'd visit places I'd always been curious about.
I'd meet my grown up sons, friends and my sister whenever I could and spend time cuddling my dog.

I'd nourish my body and soul with good food and books.