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Original poster

Can I go to church if I'm not religious?

128 replies

Lonelymum21 · 04/10/2021 10:06

I'm a single mum to 2 dc in primary school. I have no friends, no family, and zero support network around me. Ex dp will take the kids 4 nights a month max.

I'm so fucking lonely it hurts. I really miss adult conversation and days out. If my car breaks, tap starts leaking, or something goes wrong there is no one to ask for advice. I don't want a romantic relationship but desperately want to belong to a community. I wfh so no chance to meet adults there. Would it be terrible to get involved with the local church even though I'm an atheist? There's a lovely village church about 5 miles from me, and I always feel so jealous driving past and watching all the happy families spilling out after a service. I don't really know what else I could do that I could bring the dc along with me.

OP posts:
Buttons294749 · 04/10/2021 13:33

My (well former now) church was quite "high church" and "small c" Catholic and no vicar ever asked me about my beliefs- even when I had lunch at his house! He talked s lot about the charities we support but not really religion things.

And you can do stuff like join in with making coffee or handing out hymn books which really makes you feel part of it. Our church has a creche that you spend 75% of the service in plus Sunday school. And the kids get great opportunities to read out loud (public speaking)/Do family service which is really a good opportunity.

Then there's church picnics/fireworks/fetes/Christmas which is so lovely to get involved with.

My last church even had a specific person in every service who spotted new people and welcomed them/told them all the ways they could join in.

Have recently moved and need to find a lovely new church!

Shmithecat2 · 04/10/2021 13:38

I'm not religious, but I attend the local church occasionally, and it's lovely. My son's school is attached to it, so I attend any services they have (Harvest Festival last week), and also occasionally a Sunday service. The village hall is also attached to it, so I see it as a chance to support that too. It would be a shame to lose these vital services to a small village, so happy to do my bit for it. It's a community feel for me rather than religious. No one seems to mind, and I'm sure the church isn't picky.

BingBongToTheMoon · 04/10/2021 13:42

Absolutely

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Philosophy & religion
SaborDeSoledad · 04/10/2021 13:46

I would add to all this good advice that if you are worried about attending for the first time, see if there is a contact email or number to call for the church and say that you are new, ask about facilities for the children or whatever. At my church we would definitely make time to help you feel welcome if you did that. Good luck!

Original poster
Lonelymum21 · 04/10/2021 13:53

Thank you everyone. I'm going to call them and ask what services I can attend with the children as the website isn't very clear. They have lots of lovely things planned over Christmas including 'carols and beer' that looks essentially like a pub crawl with Christmas carols thrown in!

I've also just found a junior park run near me so thank you to the poster that suggested that.

OP posts:
kindlyensure · 04/10/2021 14:01

Also, just be aware that if you are at a communion service (you might not realise what service is on when you get there!) they follow a set pattern of words and responses and if you are not confirmed you can still go up to the altar and receive a blessing when others go up for the bread and wine -

OR you can stay sitting in your seat and do not need to go up - this is perfectly normal and absolutely fine to do, no one will bat an eyelid or judge you for it!

kindlyensure · 04/10/2021 14:02

(Except coz of covid they might not be doing that in the church atm!)

waybill · 04/10/2021 14:08

@kindlyensure

Also, just be aware that if you are at a communion service (you might not realise what service is on when you get there!) they follow a set pattern of words and responses and if you are not confirmed you can still go up to the altar and receive a blessing when others go up for the bread and wine -

OR you can stay sitting in your seat and do not need to go up - this is perfectly normal and absolutely fine to do, no one will bat an eyelid or judge you for it!

Yes, if they do this and you would feel a chump not to take part, carry the hymn book up with you and hold it in both hands. Then the minister will know not to offer the communion to you. They just give a blessing instead.

And take a small quantity of loose change with you to church as a collection is normally taken at some point.

BakingOfTheFoodCats · 04/10/2021 14:11

Go for it but have you tried apps for meeting other single parents like frolo? Also i f your kids are at school try reaching out to the other mum's to make friends

sunflowerdaisies · 04/10/2021 14:12

@Lonelymum21 junior parkrun is great. If you and your children enjoy going, the easiest way to get to properly know other families there is to volunteer sometimes too. I've got to know lots of people that way and gives you a way in to chat more easily.

Doglicks · 04/10/2021 14:16

I love going to church. I love the singing / music and the peacefulness for an hour or so is lovely. I am not religious, i dont really know what i am, but i get something from it. The vicar knows how i feel and tells me that it is the pull of the Holy Spirit that i am feeling and why i go, but he says it Tongue in Cheek and with a wink.

Absolutely go to church and get stuck in OP!

stripetop · 04/10/2021 14:20

You know this has me in tears.

I was so bloody lonely. All I do is walk and look after my children. I was walking a loop that takes me by my grandmothers grave and was sat tidying it while baby slept and toddler chatted. The minister brought me a cuppa out and spoke to me. I couldn't believe it. Probably the first adult company I had in weeks. DH is a farmer and it was lambing time.

Since then he's set up a toddler type coffee morning one day a week. I've met so many other mums in the same position due to our locations. I've been to a quiz evening, some services and have been absolutely hugged into the community. All because of one cuppa at my granny's grave.

So go to church, enjoy the company and I hope they are as kind as people have been to me.

ZombieEthel · 04/10/2021 14:33

Absolutely you can go! I don't believe in God but I do attend church sometimes, for the community aspect and also for time to sit and reflect. Oh, and I also like singing the hymns :)

I saw a website for a church charity a few years ago and the biography for one of the trustees said they weren't a Christian but they were 'an admirer of Jesus' teachings' and I really liked that. I think that's how I would describe myself too. I believe in people's innate goodness and for me, going to Church is a way of celebrating that and having some time to reflect on how I can be a more decent person.

MsRinky · 04/10/2021 14:55

My atheist Mum lives in a village and does a lot of community stuff with the church. The vicar adores her, says both the church and the wider community value her more than any number of devout "Christians" with a capital C who think their personal faith is more important than how they treat others.

gogohm · 04/10/2021 15:03

If course. We are open to those of all faith and none! There's a kinds of churches too even within the Church of England so if one doesn't suit try another. There's even a book called "The Christian atheist" which is about people who like church despite not believing in god (more too but in a nutshell).

To give you an example yesterday we had a children's service followed by lunch for harvest festival, several families were new to us

gogohm · 04/10/2021 15:06

You will be welcomed for sure.

On non children's service weeks there's a Sunday club where the kids are entertained, (not a lot of school at Sunday school these days!) you can spend an hour or so sitting in a calm environment and you won't be alone in being a single parent, several of our families are

SuperStarRose · 04/10/2021 15:32

Yes go and try out different churches to find one that suits you. Offer to help out with Sunday School once you feel comfortable enough to do so.

Chat to everyone you can and 'Peace be with you' Smile

SuperStarRose · 04/10/2021 15:35

Most churches have had online services during covid so everyone's happy to be back in Church for an actual service again.

Lots of churches have monthly brunches in the church hall after service where you can offer to volunteer with coffee and ladling of food, smaller weekly services, fairs / fetes where you can offer to help out on stalls etc.

SuperStarRose · 04/10/2021 15:36

Oh yes church toddler groups, if they have one go along with DC or offer to help with or without the DC

satci · 04/10/2021 15:38

@Lonelymum21 Where abouts are you? I'd love to join you 🤣

tranquillitybase · 04/10/2021 15:39

I just wanted to add, the Nextdoor app is really useful for getting advice about local tradesmen, and people will often help you out with things if you post on there. It's for your local area, so you can also make local friends through it.

Sexnotgender · 04/10/2021 15:42

@Lonelymum21

Thank you everyone. I'm going to call them and ask what services I can attend with the children as the website isn't very clear. They have lots of lovely things planned over Christmas including 'carols and beer' that looks essentially like a pub crawl with Christmas carols thrown in!

I've also just found a junior park run near me so thank you to the poster that suggested that.

Your church sounds lovely.

We did carols in the pub with our church pre Covid. It was great fun!

123ZYX · 04/10/2021 15:43

@kindlyensure

Also, just be aware that if you are at a communion service (you might not realise what service is on when you get there!) they follow a set pattern of words and responses and if you are not confirmed you can still go up to the altar and receive a blessing when others go up for the bread and wine -

OR you can stay sitting in your seat and do not need to go up - this is perfectly normal and absolutely fine to do, no one will bat an eyelid or judge you for it!

It sounds like your local church and kindlyensure's is CofE.

If it is Catholic, all the services will have communion. You shouldn't take communion yourself, but you can either stay seated or queue to receive a Blessing. If you do queue, you can put one hand on the opposite shoulder (so your arm crosses you) as a sign that you just want the blessing. Either option is completely fine and you definitely won't be the only person there doing either.

All churches I've been to are happy to welcome anyone who wants to attend and you'll be even more popular if you want to volunteer for anything. Often, the church will have a weekly bulletin that you can pick up or be handed on the way into the church. This will show the upcoming events and will ask for volunteers. It might give a name of who to speak to if you want to volunteer - the priest normally stands at the back of church at the end of the service and they'll be able to point you in the direction of the right person.

Catholic services will have responses and prayers for you to say. There will be a copy of the service you can use if you want to join in (pick it up as you go into the church - normal,y next to the hymn books) but no one will mind if you don't.

There's also sitting/ kneeling/ standing parts - just copy everyone else.

SuperStarRose · 04/10/2021 15:43

@Lonelymum21

Thank you everyone. I'm going to call them and ask what services I can attend with the children as the website isn't very clear. They have lots of lovely things planned over Christmas including 'carols and beer' that looks essentially like a pub crawl with Christmas carols thrown in!

I've also just found a junior park run near me so thank you to the poster that suggested that.

If they do a church nativity you can volunteer your DC to be in it and hopefully they do a Christingle where you take an orange, wrap red ribbon around it, stick 4 cocktail sticks in it with wine gum type sweets and in the top goes a small hole with foil in it and a small candle.

The above are usually made by the DC during Sunday School.

Keep with it even if you feel a bit disconnected at first you will soon settle in.

If one of your DC gets a bit noisy or fussy the normal thing to do is take them outside for a bit till they settle and then return. It might take a while for them to get used to it.

Take snacks for the DC and something quiet to play with and draw with.

MissConductUS · 04/10/2021 15:49

If it's C of E it'll be fine. You might want to sit in the back at first just so you can watch as people stand and sit. After you've been a time or two, introduce yourself to the vicar. They absolutely do notice new faces. If they offer coffee or tea afterward that's a great time to meet people.