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Original poster

The letter your teenager can't write to you

104 replies

Laaaaa · 02/10/2021 15:20

Dear Parent:

This is the letter that I wish I could write.

This fight we are in right now. I need it. I need this fight. I can’t tell you this because I don’t have the language for it and it wouldn’t make sense anyway. But I need this fight. Badly. I need to hate you right now and I need you to survive it. I need you to survive my hating you and you hating me. I need this fight even though I hate it too. It doesn’t matter what this fight is even about: curfew, homework, laundry, my messy room, going out, staying in, leaving, not leaving, boyfriend, girlfriend, no friends, bad friends. It doesn’t matter. I need to fight you on it and I need you to fight me back.

I desperately need you to hold the other end of the rope. To hang on tightly while I thrash on the other end—while I find the handholds and footholds in this new world I feel like I am in. I used to know who I was, who you were, who we were. But right now I don’t. Right now I am looking for my edges and I can sometimes only find them when I am pulling on you. When I push everything I used to know to its edge. Then I feel like I exist and for a minute I can breathe. I know you long for the sweeter kid that I was. I know this because I long for that kid too, and some of that longing is what is so painful for me right now.

I need this fight and I need to see that no matter how bad or big my feelings are—they won’t destroy you or me. I need you to love me even at my worst, even when it looks like I don’t love you. I need you to love yourself and me for the both of us right now. I know it sucks to be disliked and labeled the bad guy. I feel the same way on the inside, but I need you to tolerate it and get other grownups to help you. Because I can’t right now. If you want to get all of your grown up friends together and have a ‘surviving-your-teenager-support-group-rage-fest’ that’s fine with me. Or talk about me behind my back--I don’t care. Just don’t give up on me. Don’t give up on this fight. I need it.

This is the fight that will teach me that my shadow is not bigger than my light. This is the fight that will teach me that bad feelings don’t mean the end of a relationship. This is the fight that will teach me how to listen to myself, even when it might disappoint others.

And this particular fight will end. Like any storm, it will blow over. And I will forget and you will forget. And then it will come back. And I will need you to hang on to the rope again. I will need this over and over for years.

I know there is nothing inherently satisfying in this job for you. I know I will likely never thank you for it or even acknowledge your side of it. In fact I will probably criticize you for all this hard work. It will seem like nothing you do will be enough. And yet, I am relying entirely on your ability to stay in this fight. No matter how much I argue. No matter how much I sulk. No matter how silent I get.

Please hang on to the other end of the rope. And know that you are doing the most important job that anyone could possibly be doing for me right now.

Love, Your Teenager

© 2018 Gretchen L. Schmelzer, PhD, original post June 23, 2015

OP posts:
lughnasadh · 02/10/2021 15:23

The point could be made more coherently with 90% fewer words, and patently doesn't apply to everyone's teenager.

October2020 · 02/10/2021 15:25

What a load of waffle!

Blackkoala · 02/10/2021 15:27

I actually think it’s great

StarryStarrySocks · 02/10/2021 15:27

I bet you anything that Gretchen either a) doesn't have children or b) had toddlers when she wrote this. Grin

Riada · 02/10/2021 15:29

Truly, even skimming that makes me want to send my lovely-but-challenging nine year old to a boarding school where they don't have holidays, and where he can Discover His Edges, and Learn that His Shadow Is Not Bigger Than His Light without me having to be his emotional punchbag.

I think that is self-indulgent, cod-psychology twaddle.

Rosesareyellow · 02/10/2021 15:30

Urgh, is this taken off one of those naff long FB posts that people copy and paste? (I don’t read those things past about 4 lines and I’ll be honest I didn’t read that one either…)

RedRec · 02/10/2021 15:31

Barf

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 02/10/2021 15:32

What a load of bollocks.

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 02/10/2021 15:32

I think it is overwritten and wordy but there is a lot of truth in it. For some teens. Not all.

HerRoyalRisesAgain · 02/10/2021 15:33

Gretchen never met me as a teenager. Grin I didn't need any if the fights I was just a twat.

MonkeysSwiningFromTheTrees · 02/10/2021 15:33

@StarryStarrySocks

I bet you anything that Gretchen either a) doesn't have children or b) had toddlers when she wrote this. Grin
This
OldChinaJug · 02/10/2021 15:34

No, it doesn't describe all teenagers.

I had one that never fought and one who fights occasionally. There are some whose fight is much bigger.

Yes, it's waffle but as a parent of teenagers, a teacher and an ex teenager, I'd say there's a fair amount of truth in this.

It's just a reminder that it isn't easy navigating the transition from childhood to adulthood and that sometimes our children need us to help them on their way.

Not sure why it's garnered such negativity tbh.

Geamhradh · 02/10/2021 15:37

What's with all the "fight" shit?
It's not just waffle. It's actually fairly insulting both to parents and teenagers as it presupposes that teenagers are all stroppy hormonal yobs and all parents are useless at dealing with them.
TL:DR- I neither recognise my daughter, or any of the 300 I teach in this badly written guff.

ThanksAgainForNothing · 02/10/2021 15:37

@October2020

What a load of waffle!
Was going to say the same. So much waffle it’s basically a dessert lounge not a letter
PenguindreamsofDraco · 02/10/2021 15:38

Bit wanky, isn't it.

Muttly · 02/10/2021 15:39

Or

Dear Parent,

I am a teenager, teenagers test boundaries unmercifully and I need you to hold your reasonable boundaries and still love me when I behave like a plonker. Oh can can you listen to me too, that would be great.

The end.

Unsure1983 · 02/10/2021 15:40

I love it and it made me tear up. Because it was true for me, for certain.

Wizzwazzwas · 02/10/2021 15:40

I have a 16 yr old and a 14yr old. This post bears no relation to my experience of parenting them. We are not in a fight or constant fights.

It does to some degree reflect my own experience of being a teenager, but I was dealing with trauma and had a dysfunctional parent...

Billybagpuss · 02/10/2021 15:42

Well that went well op 😂😂

This letter has been posted in ‘teenagers’ a few times where it’s much better received. Usually by parents going through a shit time with their teens, so hope you’re ok.

hellothere007 · 02/10/2021 15:43

I think it’s lovely

WhoisRebecca · 02/10/2021 15:45

It’s true for me, so it doesn’t help having others invalidate my experience. I’m not a bad parent because my teenager is incredibly difficult. I have two other children who are very very easy and I may well have been smug if I didn’t know any difference.

SockQueen · 02/10/2021 15:46

It's like a teen version of those twee "toddler's perspective" monologues that pop up on my FB feed, making me feel guilty for not being eternally patient with my little darlings. because sometimes mummy has shit to do

AlexaShutUp · 02/10/2021 15:47

It doesn't reflect how things are with my teenager, who doesn't appear to need to fight. However, if it gives strength or encouragement to some parents who are struggling with the teen years, then that's great. We're all different and the teen years are very challenging for some.

PandoraP · 02/10/2021 15:50

I think it’s great. It doesn’t apply to all teens, but certainly for one of mine. I think there is so much support and recognition for parents of toddlers and young children. The toddles years was a blast for me compared to teen years.

AlexaShutUp · 02/10/2021 15:51

@WhoisRebecca

It’s true for me, so it doesn’t help having others invalidate my experience. I’m not a bad parent because my teenager is incredibly difficult. I have two other children who are very very easy and I may well have been smug if I didn’t know any difference.
Absolutely. One of my friends is an incredible parent - patient, empathetic, emotionally intelligent etc. She has been to hell and back with her oldest daughter through no fault of her own.

This kind of thing will inevitably speak to some people while it leaves others cold. If it helps someone to see things from a different perspective, then I think that's a positive result!