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Original poster

The letter your teenager can't write to you

104 replies

Laaaaa · 02/10/2021 15:20

Dear Parent:

This is the letter that I wish I could write.

This fight we are in right now. I need it. I need this fight. I can’t tell you this because I don’t have the language for it and it wouldn’t make sense anyway. But I need this fight. Badly. I need to hate you right now and I need you to survive it. I need you to survive my hating you and you hating me. I need this fight even though I hate it too. It doesn’t matter what this fight is even about: curfew, homework, laundry, my messy room, going out, staying in, leaving, not leaving, boyfriend, girlfriend, no friends, bad friends. It doesn’t matter. I need to fight you on it and I need you to fight me back.

I desperately need you to hold the other end of the rope. To hang on tightly while I thrash on the other end—while I find the handholds and footholds in this new world I feel like I am in. I used to know who I was, who you were, who we were. But right now I don’t. Right now I am looking for my edges and I can sometimes only find them when I am pulling on you. When I push everything I used to know to its edge. Then I feel like I exist and for a minute I can breathe. I know you long for the sweeter kid that I was. I know this because I long for that kid too, and some of that longing is what is so painful for me right now.

I need this fight and I need to see that no matter how bad or big my feelings are—they won’t destroy you or me. I need you to love me even at my worst, even when it looks like I don’t love you. I need you to love yourself and me for the both of us right now. I know it sucks to be disliked and labeled the bad guy. I feel the same way on the inside, but I need you to tolerate it and get other grownups to help you. Because I can’t right now. If you want to get all of your grown up friends together and have a ‘surviving-your-teenager-support-group-rage-fest’ that’s fine with me. Or talk about me behind my back--I don’t care. Just don’t give up on me. Don’t give up on this fight. I need it.

This is the fight that will teach me that my shadow is not bigger than my light. This is the fight that will teach me that bad feelings don’t mean the end of a relationship. This is the fight that will teach me how to listen to myself, even when it might disappoint others.

And this particular fight will end. Like any storm, it will blow over. And I will forget and you will forget. And then it will come back. And I will need you to hang on to the rope again. I will need this over and over for years.

I know there is nothing inherently satisfying in this job for you. I know I will likely never thank you for it or even acknowledge your side of it. In fact I will probably criticize you for all this hard work. It will seem like nothing you do will be enough. And yet, I am relying entirely on your ability to stay in this fight. No matter how much I argue. No matter how much I sulk. No matter how silent I get.

Please hang on to the other end of the rope. And know that you are doing the most important job that anyone could possibly be doing for me right now.

Love, Your Teenager

OP posts:

Kanaloa · 02/10/2021 20:32

This fight we are in right now. I need it. I need this fight. I can’t tell you this because I don’t have the language for it and it wouldn’t make sense anyway. But I need this fight

Also, massively infantilising to say a teen ‘doesn’t have the language.’ They’re not a 1 year old kicking their legs because they don’t know how to explain that they don’t like brushing their teeth.

If you model it correctly in childhood there is no reason a teenager should not have the language to explain their frustration and anger.

LateDecemberBackInLowB12 · 02/10/2021 20:34

The letter my teen would write right now.

Dear Mum

I'm hungry.

Love from the teenager.

thinkfast · 02/10/2021 20:38

What a load of twaddle OP. I felt embarrassed reading it. Self indulgent and wordy.

thecatsthecats · 02/10/2021 20:41

@1000umbrellas

Nope, a youngest child. In my defence, all the rules I disregarded were the excessive ones made in reaction to my misbegotten elder siblings.

Camblewick · 02/10/2021 20:43

I didn't fight my parents. I just quietly decided which of their rules I was fine with and secretly broke the ones I disagreed with.

Yep, me too. And I expect my two are the same. They're fabulous people and I love our relationship.

TrainspottingWelsh · 02/10/2021 20:46

Parent to a 20yr old and 17yr old, this is pretentious wanky shite. Does the author also describe herself as 'being down with the kids'?

Teens can be awful for a wide range of reasons, whether that be terrible parenting, having a bad day or just because they are shits. But I bet there isn't one on the planet that feels this verbal diarrhoea expresses their inner feelings.

The lyrics to break stuff by limp bizkit are a far more accurate guide to the inner monologue of the average teen.

littlegiant · 02/10/2021 20:50

I thought it was nice and you are all mean drunks 😜🍷

Peoniesandpeaches · 02/10/2021 21:30

It just comes across as so inauthentic and I’ve never known a teenager who was ok with their parents moaning about them behind their back let along creating a support group to do it. If the op posted something a little less verbose, and a lot more sincere, moaning about her difficult teen or even saying how she’d been a difficult teen but had grown out of it I’m sure the response would be very different.

Original poster

Laaaaa · 02/10/2021 21:30

Parent of two teens here. Saw this today snd it gave me so much hope and comfort. I keep re-reading.

To those saying it wasn't m as a teen, clearly see if you get some comfort when they turn teens and those that saying it beats no relation, scroll on.

OP posts:

Original poster

Laaaaa · 02/10/2021 21:32

Am I in AIbu here?

I have had a day of daughter self harming sat in A and E won't engage with me. No idea what the fuck is going on and I just thought it would help someone

OP posts:

Comedycook · 02/10/2021 21:36

@Laaaaa

Am I in AIbu here?

I have had a day of daughter self harming sat in A and E won't engage with me. No idea what the fuck is going on and I just thought it would help someone

To be honest, you posted it with absolutely no context so lots of posters thought it was just as a talking point.

I hope your dd is ok

DerAlteMann · 02/10/2021 21:38

Having had teen DCs and now heading towards teen DGCs I can't relate to any of it.

Billybagpuss · 02/10/2021 21:40

@Laaaaa

Am I in AIbu here?

I have had a day of daughter self harming sat in A and E won't engage with me. No idea what the fuck is going on and I just thought it would help someone

@Laaaaa

I hope dd is ok, it can be such a difficult time for them and as parents we are often the dumping ground for all their crap but get verbal abuse if we try to help.

I like the letter, it clearly isn’t written by a teen, but as an adult dealing with a troubled teen, it can be of comfort and is what we need to hear 💐

Original poster

Laaaaa · 02/10/2021 21:43

@DerAlteMann what a useful post

OP posts:

ElizaDarcysDeeds · 02/10/2021 21:43

I'm sorry for your horrendous time OP and I hope your DD is ok. 💐
The letter reminded me of the 'Get Out of My Life....' book. The letter is slightly more twee but yy teens push and can fight and it's all about trying to maintain connection. Ignore the snide comments. Take comfort and advice where you can find it. I hope you have support in RL.

LarryVeest · 02/10/2021 21:53

I reckon the arsey posts on here are all from people who had to repress their belligerent teenageriness during adolescence, and they're making up for it now. ;-)

OP I'm really sorry to hear about your DD, and I'm sorry so many posters lacked emotional intelligence and basic courtesy in responding to your post. I'm sure they all feel very proud of themselves for having a good old sneer.

Kanaloa · 02/10/2021 22:04

To be fair you could have posted asking for support or advice. Of course if you’d posted that your child is in a bad situation right now you would have gotten lots of supportive posts, but people are just responding to the letter.

YourFinestPantaloons · 02/10/2021 22:07

@October2020

What a load of waffle!

Yep, this.

LarryVeest · 02/10/2021 22:12

Kanaloa, isn't it pretty obvious that someone posting this is probably going through a bad time with a teenager?

Changechangychange · 02/10/2021 22:14

I didn't fight my parents. I just quietly decided which of their rules I was fine with and secretly broke the ones I disagreed with.

I bet you are not an eldest child

I did that! And I am an oldest child. DM still doesn’t know about most of my teenage misdemeanours, I was v good at covering my tracks. My younger sibling just openly flouted the ones he didn’t agree with, I felt the need to be seen as good.

None of us were shouty.

Kanaloa · 02/10/2021 22:17

@LarryVeest

Kanaloa, isn't it pretty obvious that someone posting this is probably going through a bad time with a teenager?

Well it’s not obvious they’ve been in hospital with quite a sick teenager, no. It comes across more like a hahah what are teens like, so stroppy and always fighting. To post that letter then get annoyed people are saying it’s nonsense, and then reveal you’re at the end of your rope with a self harming teen - I mean obviously people aren’t going to guess that based on that letter.

LarryVeest · 02/10/2021 22:18

Christ, the whole #beKind schtick makes me cringe, but perhaps #don'tBeAWanker could gain some traction on here?

Songsinthekeyoflife · 02/10/2021 22:19

TL:DR Teenagers can be difficult, it' can be difficult being a parent to a teenager. But it gets better for both of you.

The rest of it is self indulgent navel gazing.

Changechangychange · 02/10/2021 22:23

@LarryVeest

Kanaloa, isn't it pretty obvious that someone posting this is probably going through a bad time with a teenager?

Nope, I assumed it was just what happened when adherents of gentle parenting entered the teenage years.

The tone sounds like a lot of Janet Lansbury’s stuff to me, and people tend not to love her on MN. People are generally supportive of parents having a tough time though.

LarryVeest · 02/10/2021 22:42

"People are generally supportive of parents having a tough time though" - are they? Most of the posts since OP's update are more scoffing, or defensive doubling down on the previous sneering.

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