The letter your teenager can't write to you

[Laaaaa]

Dear Parent:

This is the letter that I wish I could write.

This fight we are in right now. I need it. I need this fight. I can’t tell you this because I don’t have the language for it and it wouldn’t make sense anyway. But I need this fight. Badly. I need to hate you right now and I need you to survive it. I need you to survive my hating you and you hating me. I need this fight even though I hate it too. It doesn’t matter what this fight is even about: curfew, homework, laundry, my messy room, going out, staying in, leaving, not leaving, boyfriend, girlfriend, no friends, bad friends. It doesn’t matter. I need to fight you on it and I need you to fight me back.

I desperately need you to hold the other end of the rope. To hang on tightly while I thrash on the other end—while I find the handholds and footholds in this new world I feel like I am in. I used to know who I was, who you were, who we were. But right now I don’t. Right now I am looking for my edges and I can sometimes only find them when I am pulling on you. When I push everything I used to know to its edge. Then I feel like I exist and for a minute I can breathe. I know you long for the sweeter kid that I was. I know this because I long for that kid too, and some of that longing is what is so painful for me right now.

I need this fight and I need to see that no matter how bad or big my feelings are—they won’t destroy you or me. I need you to love me even at my worst, even when it looks like I don’t love you. I need you to love yourself and me for the both of us right now. I know it sucks to be disliked and labeled the bad guy. I feel the same way on the inside, but I need you to tolerate it and get other grownups to help you. Because I can’t right now. If you want to get all of your grown up friends together and have a ‘surviving-your-teenager-support-group-rage-fest’ that’s fine with me. Or talk about me behind my back--I don’t care. Just don’t give up on me. Don’t give up on this fight. I need it.

This is the fight that will teach me that my shadow is not bigger than my light. This is the fight that will teach me that bad feelings don’t mean the end of a relationship. This is the fight that will teach me how to listen to myself, even when it might disappoint others.

And this particular fight will end. Like any storm, it will blow over. And I will forget and you will forget. And then it will come back. And I will need you to hang on to the rope again. I will need this over and over for years.

I know there is nothing inherently satisfying in this job for you. I know I will likely never thank you for it or even acknowledge your side of it. In fact I will probably criticize you for all this hard work. It will seem like nothing you do will be enough. And yet, I am relying entirely on your ability to stay in this fight. No matter how much I argue. No matter how much I sulk. No matter how silent I get.

Please hang on to the other end of the rope. And know that you are doing the most important job that anyone could possibly be doing for me right now.

Love, Your Teenager

© 2018 Gretchen L. Schmelzer, PhD, original post June 23, 2015

My fight was real. It was against sex-based gendered stereotypes and to stay at school for an education.

@StarryStarrySocks

I bet you anything that Gretchen either a) doesn't have children or b) had toddlers when she wrote this.

This - sounds like an very long advert for one of those delinquent teen boot camps!

Maybe both sides could try dialling down the drama a bit?

Teenagers, selfish buggers.

I just jumped to the first few replies. Thank for saving me wasting my time.

Horrendous. I didn’t think my eyes could actually roll that far back in my head.

It reminds me of that far shorter but equally naff quote - ‘this too shall pass! 🤮

@StarryStarrySocks

I bet you anything that Gretchen either a) doesn't have children or b) had toddlers when she wrote this.

Yup!

I have a teen. It's so bloody tough!

Fact is,my ds has no real problems. He lives in a nice house with a nice family and has plenty of friends and plays football every weekend.

Conversely I had a shit teenagehood. My mum was dead and my father was an abusive alcoholic. I wish I had the luxury of being able to have a few teenage strops over nothing.

Dear teenager

Stop being a dick. There’s no need. Also Trying to make It sound like an existential crisis makes you sound even more like a teenage dick.

Sincerely
A Parent

PS love you

@lughnasadh

The point could be made more coherently with 90% fewer words, and patently doesn't apply to everyone's teenager.

Brilliant comment

I didn't fight my parents. I just quietly decided which of their rules I was fine with and secretly broke the ones I disagreed with.

What a load of self indulgent rubbish, glad I skim read it and even then I wish I hadn't bothered!

@thecatsthecats

I didn't fight my parents. I just quietly decided which of their rules I was fine with and secretly broke the ones I disagreed with.

I bet you are not an eldest child!

I remember reading this when DD was a teenager and it definitely resonated with me then. I actually sent it to DH to read.

I've read this before and it makes me cringe myself inside out

@October2020

What a load of waffle!

Exactly

Total and utter rubbish

There's some important truths hidden in that self-indulgent splurge.

I have that to my 18 year old ds to read. He got half way through and went “wait, is this written by an actually teenager? Because they sound like a dick.”

He didn’t read any more, just rolled his eyes.

OMG so many typos!

I have a 17 year old and a 15 year old and honestly think this is a pile of shite.

@thecatsthecats

I didn't fight my parents. I just quietly decided which of their rules I was fine with and secretly broke the ones I disagreed with.

Yup me too.

Unfortunately my six year old has already started behaving exactly the same way I did as a child. Although I'm not as soft as Granny to let him get away with it.

Lets hope Gretchen mum had lots of gin in 3 years ago!!!

There are some weirdly rude responses to this! Not sure why people want to come and piss all over it of it doesn't apply to them/their teenagers. I can only assume that OP posted it as it stuck a chord with their own experience, in which case they're dealing with a stroppy teen and probably deserve a bit of sympathy.

FWIW, I appreciate the general message. It's important for teenagers to be a bit vile sometimes. If you've got a "good" one, they might be like me as a teen: bulldozered into compliance, and needing years of therapy to work through it.

Dear Parent

I'm still hungry

Love, your Teenager

It's important for teenagers to be a bit vile sometimes. If you've got a "good" one, they might be like me as a teen: bulldozered into compliance, and needing years of therapy to work through it.

Well yes...I think being a vile teen generally comes from a place of privilege and security. I wasn't allowed to be a vile teen..my mum was dead and my dad was an abusive alcoholic. Likewise I can imagine teenagers who are having to be carers or teenagers stuck in refugee camps, or teens bringing up younger siblings probably don't spend a lot of time having strops over nothing.

I don’t think it’s helpful to say parents need to ‘tolerate’ bad behaviour and ‘get other grownups to help.’ At 16 I lived alone, perfectly capable of caring for me and my baby, and I was very aware that in life shouting and screaming and tantrumming isn’t acceptable if you’re older than 6.

I don’t think infantilising teenagers actually helps them deal with the world in the right way. Teenagers can treat others with respect as they expect to be treated themselves.