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Original poster

The letter your teenager can't write to you

104 replies

Laaaaa · 02/10/2021 15:20

Dear Parent:

This is the letter that I wish I could write.

This fight we are in right now. I need it. I need this fight. I can’t tell you this because I don’t have the language for it and it wouldn’t make sense anyway. But I need this fight. Badly. I need to hate you right now and I need you to survive it. I need you to survive my hating you and you hating me. I need this fight even though I hate it too. It doesn’t matter what this fight is even about: curfew, homework, laundry, my messy room, going out, staying in, leaving, not leaving, boyfriend, girlfriend, no friends, bad friends. It doesn’t matter. I need to fight you on it and I need you to fight me back.

I desperately need you to hold the other end of the rope. To hang on tightly while I thrash on the other end—while I find the handholds and footholds in this new world I feel like I am in. I used to know who I was, who you were, who we were. But right now I don’t. Right now I am looking for my edges and I can sometimes only find them when I am pulling on you. When I push everything I used to know to its edge. Then I feel like I exist and for a minute I can breathe. I know you long for the sweeter kid that I was. I know this because I long for that kid too, and some of that longing is what is so painful for me right now.

I need this fight and I need to see that no matter how bad or big my feelings are—they won’t destroy you or me. I need you to love me even at my worst, even when it looks like I don’t love you. I need you to love yourself and me for the both of us right now. I know it sucks to be disliked and labeled the bad guy. I feel the same way on the inside, but I need you to tolerate it and get other grownups to help you. Because I can’t right now. If you want to get all of your grown up friends together and have a ‘surviving-your-teenager-support-group-rage-fest’ that’s fine with me. Or talk about me behind my back--I don’t care. Just don’t give up on me. Don’t give up on this fight. I need it.

This is the fight that will teach me that my shadow is not bigger than my light. This is the fight that will teach me that bad feelings don’t mean the end of a relationship. This is the fight that will teach me how to listen to myself, even when it might disappoint others.

And this particular fight will end. Like any storm, it will blow over. And I will forget and you will forget. And then it will come back. And I will need you to hang on to the rope again. I will need this over and over for years.

I know there is nothing inherently satisfying in this job for you. I know I will likely never thank you for it or even acknowledge your side of it. In fact I will probably criticize you for all this hard work. It will seem like nothing you do will be enough. And yet, I am relying entirely on your ability to stay in this fight. No matter how much I argue. No matter how much I sulk. No matter how silent I get.

Please hang on to the other end of the rope. And know that you are doing the most important job that anyone could possibly be doing for me right now.

Love, Your Teenager

OP posts:

LarryVeest · 02/10/2021 22:44

Anyway, I'm off to bed. Hope you have a better day tomorrow, OP. Keep surviving!

helpforayounggirl · 02/10/2021 22:46

Bollo.

TractorAndHeadphones · 02/10/2021 22:53

@Laaaaa

Am I in AIbu here?

I have had a day of daughter self harming sat in A and E won't engage with me. No idea what the fuck is going on and I just thought it would help someone

Sorry you’re going through such a hard time but your daughter’ issues aren’t related to being a teenager. Contrary to popular perception the majority of teenagers aren’t like this..

You might want to take this thread down or start another one

TractorAndHeadphones · 02/10/2021 22:53

*this meaning as described in the OP

TractorAndHeadphones · 02/10/2021 22:55

@LarryVeest

"People are generally supportive of parents having a tough time though" - are they? Most of the posts since OP's update are more scoffing, or defensive doubling down on the previous sneering.

What else do you expect people to do when confronted with a drip-feed? Seriously OP if you had started a thread about your struggles and posted this lots of people would be helpful and supportive… but people are just reacting the letter in the OP which lets be honest isn’t the easiest to read

LimitIsUp · 02/10/2021 23:07

@LarryVeest

There are some weirdly rude responses to this! Not sure why people want to come and piss all over it of it doesn't apply to them/their teenagers. I can only assume that OP posted it as it stuck a chord with their own experience, in which case they're dealing with a stroppy teen and probably deserve a bit of sympathy.

FWIW, I appreciate the general message. It's important for teenagers to be a bit vile sometimes. If you've got a "good" one, they might be like me as a teen: bulldozered into compliance, and needing years of therapy to work through it.

Agreed. The irony is that the curt, dismissive posts sounded like they could have been written by a truculent teenager

LimitIsUp · 02/10/2021 23:11

Just read your later posts op. I sincerely hope things get better for your dd

CorianderAndCream · 03/10/2021 00:22

Actually as a teenager I was devastated when I fought with my mother because she wasn't listening to me.

Cocomarine · 03/10/2021 00:31

@StarryStarrySocks

I bet you anything that Gretchen either a) doesn't have children or b) had toddlers when she wrote this.

Nailed it 🤣

Changechangychange · 03/10/2021 02:11

Have just googled Gretchen, and she is a psychologist specialising in treating PTSD (survivors of CSA etc).

The teens she has professional experience of are likely to behave very differently to the average teenager. This letter may reflect how some of them feel, but I wouldn’t generalise that to non-traumatised teenagers.

aramox · 03/10/2021 05:09

We had a whole series of threads on here a couple of years ago called Hanging on to the Rope.. based on this because it resonated so much. Let's face it if your teen is being an arse you need some hope to cling to,and it does suggest basically offering love and acceptance which can be really hard.

Billybagpuss · 03/10/2021 06:18

Morning @Laaaaa how is DD today, I hope you were able to get some sleep

makelovenotpetrol · 03/10/2021 06:39

@Kanaloa

This fight we are in right now. I need it. I need this fight. I can’t tell you this because I don’t have the language for it and it wouldn’t make sense anyway. But I need this fight

Also, massively infantilising to say a teen ‘doesn’t have the language.’ They’re not a 1 year old kicking their legs because they don’t know how to explain that they don’t like brushing their teeth.

If you model it correctly in childhood there is no reason a teenager should not have the language to explain their frustration and anger.

This isn't true. Teenagers often seem very very with it and articulate and able to express themselves, but part of their issue is that they can't. They can partly, but they don't yet have the self control to act in a proportionate way to their emotions. Actually, we don't fully get that ability until age 25, which is when the frontal cortex has finished fully developing.

This is the part of the brain that completes the thought processes for the more complex behavioural functions and helps us as adults to make choices that are rational and more well thought out that we can as a teenager.

Whether you like the phraseology or not, the concept of the teenage years being a fight with their adults is correct - teenagers have much more complex thoughts, emotions, feelings etc than younger children do, but they're not fully able to understand them yet. And then they become frustrated, because they know they feel a certain way but they can't fix it. They don't want to reach out to their adults to help them because teenagers have pride... Another thing that's newly developing at that age.... But they do NEED their adults to help them process what they're going through - hence the rhetoric in this letter of a fight.

Teenagers like to think that they can deal with the higher stresses of school work, boyfriend / girlfriends and dating in general, physical appearance and development, more complex mental health issues, social and societal pressures ..all by themselves without adult help....but they can't yet fully process and manage these themselves.

So whether you like it or not, the somewhat flowery description in the letter is psychologically correct. I'm a specialist teacher who's worked with children and teenagers with severe behavioural issues for decades now. So I do know some of what I'm talking about. I also had them myself and was excluded and eventually expelled from the school I went to first as a result.

OP I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time with your DC and I hope that you're able to get them the help they need, and support for you too. I'm glad that this letter resonated with you, and I don't know why people had to be quite so twattish about it. Well I do... It's MN! Snark is the order of the day but often isn't helpful.

Underamour · 03/10/2021 06:55

Made no sense to me either. Why are they fighting? Why aren’t the parents staying calm, treating them with respect and showing them a more mature way of dealing with their feelings?

This type of scenario would only happen if the parent was too heavy handed and treating the teenager like a pre teen, trying to control everything they do.

EarringsandLipstick · 03/10/2021 06:57

It's MN! Snark is the order of the day but often isn't helpful.

I think that's very unfair.

I have read many many posts on MN where a poster is going through a tough time with a DC and has been really supported by MN.

All posters here had was a re-post of a piece of text many of us found trite & overdone.

We didn't know of OP's situation, and most responses since then were sensitive to that (while still thinking the text was shite).

If OP had posted about her very tough day, I have no doubt she'd have been supported.

OP, I hope today is a little better for you. 💐

makelovenotpetrol · 03/10/2021 07:00

@EarringsandLipstick

It's MN! Snark is the order of the day but often isn't helpful.

I think that's very unfair.

I have read many many posts on MN where a poster is going through a tough time with a DC and has been really supported by MN.

All posters here had was a re-post of a piece of text many of us found trite & overdone.

We didn't know of OP's situation, and most responses since then were sensitive to that (while still thinking the text was shite).

If OP had posted about her very tough day, I have no doubt she'd have been supported.

OP, I hope today is a little better for you. 💐

People do offer support on MN, you're right.

But there is a LOT of snark. You can't deny that.

I think one of the greatest failings of MN is how easily some (not all!!) people forget that there is a real person posting behind every thread... But the real failing I always find is how poorly situations are modded to protect people who are being genuine.

MakeMeCleanTheHouse · 03/10/2021 07:06

Hi @Laaaaa
I hope things seem less terrifying this morning. I am mum to an ex self harmer and understand your need to try and make sense of the situation. People didn't get the context, don't have the same experience of life and were then crabby in their response. It's a verse that is true for some teenagers. She won't do this forever and I hope you both get support

EarringsandLipstick · 03/10/2021 07:15

But there is a LOT of snark. You can't deny that

I'd argue not on threads to do with struggling / ill DC but yes, I agree in general!

EarringsandLipstick · 03/10/2021 07:15

@MakeMeCleanTheHouse

Hi *@Laaaaa* I hope things seem less terrifying this morning. I am mum to an ex self harmer and understand your need to try and make sense of the situation. People didn't get the context, don't have the same experience of life and were then crabby in their response. It's a verse that is true for some teenagers. She won't do this forever and I hope you both get support

That's a very kind post House💐

makelovenotpetrol · 03/10/2021 07:16

@EarringsandLipstick

But there is a LOT of snark. You can't deny that

I'd argue not on threads to do with struggling / ill DC but yes, I agree in general!

It's everywhere, but it's the fault of MN for not properly keeping it in check imo. They're shameful.

Anyway not to derail OPs thread any further.

user1471484795 · 03/10/2021 07:21

I love this. Thanks for sharing.

Kanaloa · 03/10/2021 08:07

Obviously very specific situations in which a teen might be struggling in serious ways. Not applicable to all or even most teenagers, and absolutely no reason for self indulgent nonsense like ‘tolerate fighting with me’ or ‘ask other grownups to help you.’ Honestly it sounds more like something applicable to a toddler. Teenagers can communicate and there is no reason to ‘tolerate’ constant fighting in the household. It’s much healthier to model appropriate behaviour and disengage in fighting.

I do appreciate that op is obviously going through a rough time right now but it may have been better to post asking for advice or support rather than this self indulgent waffly letter with no context.

sandgrown · 03/10/2021 08:11

I think it’s very true especially for one of my boys

Camblewick · 03/10/2021 08:20

Kanaloa, isn't it pretty obvious that someone posting this is probably going through a bad time with a teenager?

I don't think so, no. Some people just like 'inspirational' stuff. There was no context to the original post at all

I'm genuinely sorry for the OP and hope she and her daughter are both OK. Such a worrying and difficult situation.

Rosehip10 · 03/10/2021 08:26

Far to verbose

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