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Original poster

Is Chivalry dead , or do you not want it ?

98 replies

Frostine · 01/10/2021 20:41

I was in Dobies Garden Centre today to buy autumn plants for my pots . I decided to have a cup of tea in the cafe . As I was sat at my table and having a look about at people I saw a couple arrive who were 70+ . They both looked quite fit & healthy , he helped her off with her coat and put it nicely on the chair behind her , then he poured the tea , and unfolded her napkin and passed it to her . It just seemed so gentlemanly and usual and I had a pang that I don't get treated like that .
Would that get on your nerves or would you secretly like that ?

OP posts:

WildRosie · 01/10/2021 20:42

I see nothing wrong with such behaviour.

PermanentTemporary · 01/10/2021 20:44

I don't have a problem with considerate treatment from my partner and the people around me. I hope I also offer it.

It's only when it's a substitute for taking you seriously, or when it frames you as unable to look after yourself, that its a problem.

FreshFreesias · 01/10/2021 20:45

It would be lovely.
But there is so much mistrust between the sexes now and I’m shocked at how misogynist men have become.

Legomania · 01/10/2021 20:45

Bar a bit of door opening (building, not car!) I would find this very weird and infantilising from DH (though quite sweet if I saw an elderly couple with this dynamic).

ThirdElephant · 01/10/2021 20:45

It'd annoy me. I knew a chap at uni who was like this with women- opening doors, carrying bags, pulling out chairs etc. I'm female, not infirm. I can carry my own bag, thanks.

OtherInfo · 01/10/2021 20:45

I think many women are a bit conflicted about this. Who doesn't like being looked after, but being looked after just because you're feeble?

WishingYouAMerryChristmasToo · 01/10/2021 20:46

I hold doors open for men and women - it’s called manners. And I would do the same for someone I was out with

Asterales · 01/10/2021 20:47

I'd be irritated by that and wonder wtf DP thought he was playing at if he started that with me. We met at work though, equal colleagues in a demanding and high-pressured job. We respect each other and it wouldn't occur to either of us to patronise/mollycoddle the other.

Moonface123 · 01/10/2021 20:50

I say l would probably like it, but been on my own so long now l am very independent so after a while it might drive me nuts, but would be nice to have the chance to experience it. I
Be interesting to see if he behaves the same behind closed doors without an audience?

Youcancallmeval · 01/10/2021 20:50

My father is like that. He passes behind me to walk next to the road and stands when a lady enters the room. He struggles if he's on public transport and sees a woman standing, even though he's in his 70s and she may be completely able and in her 30s, always wanting to offer his seat. When we have discussed that this may be seen as outmoded, he gets upset as he has always prided himself on being polite and trying to do the right thing. He may be a dinosaur, or he may be chivalrous, but when he is gone, one of the things I will always remember about my daddy is how beautifully he treated all women.

tinselandlights · 01/10/2021 20:51

I sometimes secretly like being treated chivalrously if I'm, say, having lunch with an older male colleague or someone with old fashioned manners.

Realistically I'd probably find it a bit tiresome if it was my own DH, and maybe a bit patronising.

ThirdElephant · 01/10/2021 20:51

@WishingYouAMerryChristmasToo

I hold doors open for men and women - it’s called manners. And I would do the same for someone I was out with

Fair enough, but that's a bit of a non-sequitur. I don't think anyone has said anything about holding doors.

Opening doors for someone is a different thing to simply holding it.

MouseRoar · 01/10/2021 20:52

I think it's lovely to see an old couple behave that way, although I'm not sure why I feel like that, because if my husband tried to help me off with my coat I would wonder what the hell he was doing. Pouring tea and passing napkins is considerate though, and we each do that for the other.

Pallisers · 01/10/2021 20:54

@PermanentTemporary

I don't have a problem with considerate treatment from my partner and the people around me. I hope I also offer it.

It's only when it's a substitute for taking you seriously, or when it frames you as unable to look after yourself, that its a problem.

Exactly this.

MadMadMadamMim · 01/10/2021 20:54

I do like it. DH is a bit like this - although I think I'd probably pour the tea rather than him. He certainly opens doors, carries shopping, walks on the road side of me, etc. We are older though - DH is 63 and I'm late 50s.

I think it was just the way he was brought up and my father behaved like this too. I'm the main breadwinner in the family and in a professional career, but I don't feel belittled.

It's just old fashioned manners to me.

mellongoose · 01/10/2021 20:54

@Youcancallmeval your dad sounds lovely 😊

Pallisers · 01/10/2021 20:55

@Youcancallmeval

My own dad was like this - down to walking next to the road. He had beautiful manners and he did it out of respect for others, not because he thought we were incapable or feeble or in any way less-than.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/10/2021 20:56

Manners are lovely. But it all goes a bit "women know your limits!" when you then ask to be taken seriously.

I'd take old fashioned sexism over new fangled misogyny any day though.

PurpleParrotfish · 01/10/2021 20:57

Would (slightly) annoy me. I like to feel like a team with DH and that I can just as well hold open a door for him as have one held open for me.

DuesToTheDirt · 01/10/2021 20:58

I would find it annoying TBH. Pouring the tea, fine, but I've never needed or wanted help with my coat or my napkin.

BoreiPuriHagafen · 01/10/2021 21:01

@Moonface123

I say l would probably like it, but been on my own so long now l am very independent so after a while it might drive me nuts, but would be nice to have the chance to experience it. I Be interesting to see if he behaves the same behind closed doors without an audience?

My grandfather was polite and chivalrous in public, and also an extremely well mannered and 'proper' person in private.

He grew up in the East End in a very poor Jewish family so it wasn't a middle/upper class thing - he was just a very decent and considerate man.

He would also stand up to bullies, especially those who were rude to women. There was nothing remotely sexist or misogynist about him. He deferred to my grandmother on many subjects and supported my mum to go to university.

seaandsandcastles · 01/10/2021 21:03

I get treated like that because being in a traditional relationship with a gentleman was what I wanted. I wouldn’t accept anything less.

dementedma · 01/10/2021 21:05

Ooh I love a courteous, well mannered chap...and I'm a feminist. No idea how I reconcile these two things but such is life.

Pinkchocolate · 01/10/2021 21:05

Your dad sounds nothing but chivalrous and sweet. My darling dad was the same, it’s far from seeing us as inferior or incapable, they just do it out of love. I’m pleased my DH is like this; he holds doors open and carries heavy bags and I find it sweet and helpful.

Pinkchocolate · 01/10/2021 21:06

@Youcancallmeval it was your dad I was referring to.

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