Is Chivalry dead , or do you not want it ?

[Frostine]

I was in Dobies Garden Centre today to buy autumn plants for my pots . I decided to have a cup of tea in the cafe . As I was sat at my table and having a look about at people I saw a couple arrive who were 70+ . They both looked quite fit & healthy , he helped her off with her coat and put it nicely on the chair behind her , then he poured the tea , and unfolded her napkin and passed it to her . It just seemed so gentlemanly and usual and I had a pang that I don't get treated like that .
Would that get on your nerves or would you secretly like that ?

My boyfriend treats me like this.

I wouldn’t expect anything less.

I want to be treated like a queen. I contribute enough to the wider world and the relationship, that I deserve it. If a man isn’t making my life romantic and beautiful, I’d rather just be single tbh.

My husband is very chivalrous which I love, but I get hopping mad when he tries to direct me parking or driving in tricky spaces. Like I need someone standing in the way waving their arms like a broken windmill, when I'm perfectly capable. But other than that he's lovely!

Nb I do the same sort of things for him, minus the car parking management, so I don't see it as a men for women thing - just as being nice to each other in general.

It depends why they’re doing it. If it’s out of respect then that’s fine, but if it’s to patronise then I’d hate it

Chivalry implies one side is weaker. I don't want or need chivalry, just respect.

Alwayslatte, when my sister or I drove away from my parents' house, my dad would literally stand in the middle of the road and stop cars so we could back out. nothing we could say/yell at him would stop him. It was beyond embarrassing :) But that related to his anxiety about driving rather than his manners.

The problem with chivalry is that, too often, the second you say "actually I don't want that" rage comes out.

The problem is that chivalry is not about her, it's 100% about him as the protagonist in his own play.

Chivalry is a male performance for their own benefit to me.

Loving kindness is quite another thing.

When DH does this I take the piss out of him. I'm not an invalid and don't need looking after.

I'd not say anything to an old man who behaved like this (because I know it can come from a 'respectful' place) but I'd roll my eyes and probably discuss with my DC later how that kind of behaviour may appear to be kind but is predicated on the view than women are less capable than men and so need 'looking after' like a child.

@dementedma

Ooh I love a courteous, well mannered chap...and I'm a feminist. No idea how I reconcile these two things but such is life.

I like courteous, well mannered people in general.

I think the stage of my life when I was most aware of true courtesy was when I had a small child - the doors held open; the helpful hand with a buggy on stairs, that sort of thing. It wasn't about me being a woman or the sex of the helper, it was about simple consideration of other people's needs.

I would trust this kind of courteous behaviour more if it wasn’t synonymous with a time when women were treated as second class citizens. I mean, marital rape was legal, married woman couldn’t have their own bank accounts, but heyyyy! A chap’s pulling your chair out for you, so that makes up for everything! 🙄

I'm not a fan of chivalry when it's directed at me, I'm an independent adult who can take care of herself ta very much. No problem with it in relationships where both parties are happy with it.

Being courteous doesn’t need to be gendered! I open doors for people and do things for them and it isn’t because they’re a man or a woman, it’s just being well mannered. Sometimes you look after others, sometimes they look after you!

@Youcancallmeval

My father is like that. He passes behind me to walk next to the road and stands when a lady enters the room. He struggles if he's on public transport and sees a woman standing, even though he's in his 70s and she may be completely able and in her 30s, always wanting to offer his seat. When we have discussed that this may be seen as outmoded, he gets upset as he has always prided himself on being polite and trying to do the right thing. He may be a dinosaur, or he may be chivalrous, but when he is gone, one of the things I will always remember about my daddy is how beautifully he treated all women.

Your dad sounds lovely 😊

It will be a sad day when there are no more gentlemen in the world.

My lovely DH used to be like this with me, and it melted my heart when he also did the same for my nan. She always said he reminded her of my grandad - he would open the car door for her, help with her seat belt, carry her bags - basically anything he could do to make things easy for her. He always helped me on with my coat and I miss that more than I imagined I would.

DP is kind of like this, and I absolutely love it, despite being a raging feminist. It's never done in a patronising 'little woman' way - he wouldn't dream of unfolding my napkin for me as an example - he just automatically opens a door for me and steps aside to let me go through first, will step into the road if the pavement is narrow, always offers me the choice of seat at a table, that sort of thing. It's absolutely instinctive for him, but I do remember being taken aback by it the first few times he did it.

I have no objection to chivalry though I don't always recognise it. I remember meeting a very senior boss' husband at a work do and after the third time, asking my partner why the hell he kept standing up everytime I went to the toilet (left the table)He was very posh and in his 70s so was probably taught manners at school.

What is the road one about, is it simply sacrificing themselves to be smacked by an errant wing mirror instead of the woman?

I am feminist and respected by DH in a very equal relationship but he is also incredibly old school chivalrous. It took me aback a bit at first but it these very kind and considerate actions to make my (and others) life that little bit nicer. I also will hold a door for others, help with a buggy or other things that might help someone else.

@Ihaventgottimeforthis

What is the road one about, is it simply sacrificing themselves to be smacked by an errant wing mirror instead of the woman?

for my dad it was if a car splashed through a puddle, he would be hit and not us.

@Ihaventgottimeforthis

What is the road one about, is it simply sacrificing themselves to be smacked by an errant wing mirror instead of the woman?

And so you don't get splashed if it's wet with puddles and it's safer I think

I do get men trying to help me with things I'm actually capable of doing myself, these days - lifting and carrying - but I think it's more because I'm oldish and a bit wobbly, than because I'm a woman. However, I think it would happen less if I were male. I do insist on my ability to manage myself if I can, and accept help gratefully if I need it. My DP is a woman so it's not an issue between us.

My DFiance holds car doors open for me, offers to carry shopping etc. I like it. I wouldn't want any other man to do those things, but a man who loves me and shows it through his actions is ok with me.

*The problem with chivalry is that, too often, the second you say "actually I don't want that" rage comes out.

The problem is that chivalry is not about her, it's 100% about him as the protagonist in his own play*

^^this

I don't want it, and don't need it. I had a male friend who used to try pull this on me all the time. If I objected, then he got angry.