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Original poster

Parents of 10year old boys . Is yours like mine?

116 replies

ClothesTraPhobia · 23/09/2021 16:27

DS has just turned 10 (yesterday).

I’m finding his behaviour exasperating and I wondered if anyone can tell me if this is usual for 10 year old boys?

He cries over very trivial things. All of the time. As an example, he asked for some birthday cake last night and I said “of course , whilst I’m cutting it , you run up and have a shower” He didn’t want to have the cake after his shower and instead of asking nicely if he could have it first , he lay on the floor shouting “please , please , please not after “ over and over . I got a bit cross as I could not discuss it with him as he was crying and whining . This is his response to most things when either he does not want to do it or something changes.

I have to ask him over and over to do something simple as he gets very easily distracted.

He interrupts and talks over us and does not realise he’s doing it. When we point it out , he looks downhearted.

When we talk to him, he will look briefly at our eyes and then appears to stare at our noses or heads .

He is struggling to get to sleep and will wake in the early hours .

He has only two friends and in spite of attending various after school clubs , he has not made more and makes no effort to make more, he’s always the responder and not the first to talk.

He constantly says “you’re the best mum ever” , which whilst lovely, is out of context and at random times and he repeats it over and over so we’re locked in a “you’re the best mum ever…” “thank you DS” ad finitum until I don’t respond.

He counts everything from ceiling tiles to pavement blocks.

Is this usual for a child his age?

OP posts:
BlackeyedSusan · 23/09/2021 18:32

you could go to the GP with a list of behaviours (certainly see some social issues, meltdowns) and ask for a referral to a developmental paed (or whichever route in your area) as you suspect autism.

the wait is about 2 years so get on with it ifg it is something you want to pursue.

he was probably starving when he came in and not able to control his mood. try giving him something immediately (not necesarrily the cake but something he can heat just inside the front door) makes life easier for you all. In fact I wouuld give him the food as soon as he finishes his activity before you travel home.

Ohdoleavemealone · 23/09/2021 18:36

My son has adhd and has mood swings set off by seemingly trivial things, struggles to get to sleep, wakes up early and is very emotional and full of I love yous.
He kept kissing me at the opticians today constantly.
I would speak to school as assessments have to go through them.

BananaPB · 23/09/2021 18:44

My sons were not like that at 10.
The crying over having a shower before cake wouldn't have happened. They would have said "ugh" and requested that I make sure his cake is safe from the siblings and dashed up.
The looking at the nose/head thing - yes. It makes me question whether I'm talking too much hence them zoning out.
By 10 there were days that they didn't cry. They expressed annoyance at trivial issues but that's thanks to their lives where there are no serious issues so I let it go. If they'd cried at school when they didn't get their way their peers would have Hmm
They didn't count stuff or do the repetitive chat routine either.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

10 year olds Families
BertieBotts · 23/09/2021 19:05

He is ten not three. Of course ten year olds can cope with delayed gratification (usually).

I agree this does not sound typical.

InvincibleInvisibility · 23/09/2021 19:09

My 10 year old is very much like this. Except he keeps good eye contact. He is diagnosed with ADHD.

Mojoj · 23/09/2021 19:13

His behaviour does sound like he's on the AS. Wouldn't hurt to get him assessed.

steppemum · 23/09/2021 19:22

I think the shower comment is perfectly reasonable. I would have said the same to all my kids from about 6/7 and they would have got it, and gone off grumbling, had the shower and raced back down for cake.

I have teens now, one boy (NT) and one girl (NT) and one girl with probable ASD (still waiting for diagnosis)

I would say that some of those things are quite typical of ASD: counting everything, the repetition of the phrase, the not understanding that he is talking over you/cutting in to conversations, eye contact. Those are things which would make me wonder.

But the crying thing could also just be him. My son was pretty sensitive and emotional at that age. He hated it and got very embarrased by it, as it isn't seen to be socially acceptable for boys to cry a lot. I think the subtle difference is what he was upset over. So it would not have been over a piece of cake. I remember hearing someone who was head of a boys school saying in passing how emotional and sensitive boys often were, but they don't get taught how to express it well, and I found it really reassuring.

On the other hand, my ASD dd does do this, over emotional response to normal situation, especially when she is tired.

HeechulOppa · 23/09/2021 20:52

He sounds like my ds, who is autistic. Especially the ‘I love you mummy’ conversation loops. Almost like he gets stuck on a loop.

tobypercy · 23/09/2021 21:21

My DS9 exhibits similar behaviour... he was diagnosed with ASD last year.

Does he have the same issues at school? I would try to get him referred for assessment as soon as you can, if it is something like ASD then the sooner you get a diagnosis the sooner he can get some extra support (or at least recognition) at school. And if it's not that, then you're no worse off.

liveforsummer · 23/09/2021 22:10

This isn't typical behaviour for a 10'year old, no. Sounds a little like a slightly younger boy I work with who is being observed with suspected ADHD. Some behaviours also don't like my DD (8) at home however if I mentioned concerns to any professionals at this point they'd think I was crazy. Her masking game outside of home is strong. Like an entire different person. How is your DS at school/clubs etc?

BogRollBOGOF · 23/09/2021 22:33

As a package of traits, it is worth seeking a referral (we got ours through the GP).

DS is 10 and was diagnosed with ASD a couple of years ago. It was SATs in y2 that exposed a lot as he struggled to mask. He then settled in y3, 4 & 5. Starting y6 is putting him on edge again and transition points like tgis often expose difficulties.

MossyBottom · 23/09/2021 22:40

My (now adult) DS most definitely went through a phase at that age of being very emotional and weepy. I didn't realise until later that it was hormones and the onset of puberty.

user89000005 · 23/09/2021 22:48

No my sons are not like that, they might whine on the way up the stairs if I said to shower first but they'd certainly do as told and not wail on the floor. I didn't accept that at 2 so I certainly wouldn't now!

Cascais · 23/09/2021 23:27

So it was his birthday when he asked for cake and you asked him to shower?

Cascais · 23/09/2021 23:35

Maybe you could have got his favourite sauce for his birthday..

Original poster
ClothesTraPhobia · 24/09/2021 06:48

@Cascais Hmm I have given brief examples of some things I’m concerned about to gauge opinions on whether my son could have ASD.

Instead of offering thoughts on the issue , you’d prefer to criticise my parenting. To clarify, DS had already eaten his favourite sauce on another meal for his lunch and we had run out when he wanted it again for dinner.

I do not think I’ve given any information warranting the critical comments from some posters. I am more critical of the posters who think these normal, every day things are a reflection on my parenting. Confused

If a 10yr old NT child can not cope with running out of a product or being asked to shower before eating , then how on earth are they going to cope in life Confused.

OP posts:
Original poster
ClothesTraPhobia · 24/09/2021 06:51

Again thank you to all of the posters who have offered constructive and helpful advice. DS dad phoned to speak to DS last night and I had a chat with him; he also has some thoughts DS may be autistic and we’ve agreed to refer. Flowers

OP posts:
Cascais · 24/09/2021 06:55

I'm sorry

Spiindoctor · 24/09/2021 07:02

How old is DB - does he happen to be easy and naturally happy and DS is jealous?/ feels it's unfair?

Beakerandbungle · 24/09/2021 07:12

Hi OP

I don’t think it would hurt to look for some advice.

My son with ADHD and anxiety ( he has many ASD traits but not enough for diagnosis) is very like this - but with additional behaviours so it so robs my more obvious. He does the repetitive phrase when he is particularly anxious ( he has OCD behaviours when anxious). Your son may also have some difficulties with emotional regulation. It’s not uncommon for difficulties to really become apparent at around this age/when approaching high school.

I would be more open in looking for help and not just narrow down to thinking ASD - there are many different neurodiversities. I don’t mean to be patronising just that sometimes if you go in with ASD it means you can be dismissed ( certainly by schools!) and other SEN not picked up - so it can be more helpful to concentrate on the behaviours/difficulties when engaging with professionals for a referral.

Apologies I haven’t read the full thread but tba waiting times on the NHs are extremely long at the moment. If you can in any way afford it, it would be worth seeing if you can find a good child psychologist privately as a first step ( but appreciate lots of people can’t) whilst also pursuing a referral via NHS/CAMHs.

Beakerandbungle · 24/09/2021 07:17

Oh sorry the other thing I wanted to say is trust your instinct as a parent. I ignored mine for too long as so many people dismissed me ( and blamed my parenting - the school didn’t take me seriously until my younger NT well behaved child started school). I wasted a lot of time that I now really regret ( I started on this journey in year 1 and am only now in year 5 getting diagnosis).

Iggly · 24/09/2021 07:19

Some of it may be just general anxiety. Some of it may be that he feels your requests don’t make sense (eg why not have cake before the shower, was it just a little bribe to get him in the shower for example) and some of it may be more than that.

DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 24/09/2021 07:27

OP, when you interjected a shower between request and cake, you disrupted the straight plan of his thought process. If you saw a man on a bicycle cycling from point A to point B, would you push him off the road and make him take a dirt track through the woods do he could see the flowers? That's what you've done with your shower. Let him complete one thought-cycle before expecting him to start another.

Also, don't give such a laughingly obvious description of the frustrations of an autistic/adhd child without openly saying what you mean. If what you say is true, you're describing a person's actual pain. It hurts in the body. If I twisted your arm up your back, that would hurt. You're twisting his mind and it causes suffering. Please stop.

BabycakesMatlala · 24/09/2021 07:29

I have a similar age DS probably about to get an ADHD diagnosis, and this sounds like a more extreme version of some of his behaviour when tired/overwhelmed. And the counting stuff does sound pretty ASD ish. Definitely worth an assessment.

LordOfTheThings · 24/09/2021 07:34

He sounds like he’s weary of being thwarted. If I was made to shower before cake, then my mother hadn’t got my favourite sauce for my gnocchi, I’d be feeling tearful too, particularly when my requests and preferences are discounted as trivial.

This is such nonsense. No wonder so many children cannot understand that, sometimes, we have to wait for things and, sometimes, things don't go exactly as we'd like. They have to learn this, the OP is not 'thwarting' him, she's teaching him.