Do you manage not be shouty mum in the mornings?

[Gardenwalldilema]

If so, how?

The mornings here always descend into chaos. Wake about 6.30 / 7, by 7.30 the toddler is like a loon, charging at people and raring to go, upsetting the 5yo, she's whining about having the wrong colour yoghurt, what's in her packed lunch etc.

No fucker wants to brush their teeth or put suncream on. DP gets online upstairs, the dc are trying to barge his office etc to complain about various things.

My children are fairly normal and well behaved, but turn into mini dictators in the morning.

I'm usually a sweaty angry mess by the time we leave for the school run.

How do you achieve calm, serene mornings?

I get as much as possible ready the night before - uniforms folded and on the side in their rooms, school bags packed with whatever they need that day, shoes/bags/coats next to the front door, and packed lunched already bagged and in the fridge which I don't get out until the last minute so there's no time for peeking and complaining.

I get up at 630 and get myself fed and dressed then wake the DC up at 7am, less stressful than trying to feed and dress myself at the same time as seeing to them. I focus on the youngest two DC who still need some hands-on help to get ready and the older two get verbal prompts. Firm routine helps too - breakfast on the table at 7am and by 730am I'm chivvying them along to go get dressed if they're still dawdling over it, 8am teeth and hair, 830am everyone out the door.

I remind myself too - and I tell them - that I left school twenty years ago and if we're late it's not me who will get in bother with school.

We pay that stage thankfully but I used to approach it likeclocktopus. When DS was being particularly testing I spoke to his teacher and explained that we may be late and that it would be down to DS.

The horror of having to walk in to a school already sat down in assembly never left him I don't think

Does your DP absolutely have to be working while this is all happening? Is there no way he could help?

I have to be out of the door with my 6yo and 3yo twins by 7.30.

As above, get as much done the night before and get yourself ready helping the kids.

We have visual timetables for the smallest 2 - one for general getting ready routine and one for getting dressed routine. They love doing each step and taking the card off the Velcro to put in the ‘done’ box. Builds great independence skills too. We did it with the eldest when she was younger and now she’s pretty self sufficient in the morning!

I only have one child and it could be this only works because of her idiosyncrasies, but I find if I swallow down my increasing twitchiness that we're going to be late and pretend I have not the least interest in her timescale for wailing about the impossibility of wearing knickers, things go better. I usually say something like 'ok, I think you can get your knickers on but for now I am going to the loo/going to sort your school bag/whatever' or I distract her by asking her what colour dinosaurs are or whatever.

Basically I act like she can't possibly make us late and she gets bored of trying.

I wouldn't say it is serene but as one of my absolute pet hates is the way DP lets mornings descend into shouty chaos, I had to find a way that didn't, and for me this is it.

I let them watch tv while they get dressed. Probably not the answer you’re looking for.

I get up 6.20am and have a coffee, make school lunches.
DC get up 7am come downstairs in pyjamas.
7.15 They have breakfast in the kitchen
7.35 they go to sitting room where I have put their clothes, they watch tv and get dressed while I get sorted
7.50 tv off, they have their teeth and hair brushed
8 am out the door

Schedule a routine, and try and get them in sync. Allow extra time for everything. Put the toddler in front of the tv if required.

I get everything ready the night before. Makes a huge difference.

Always act like I have all the time in the world.

Only council telly in the morning. No tabs/phones or toys out. Plenty of time when they are home.

No one sees inside their packed lunch till lunch time.

If they don't get ready in the morning they will lose something when they get home (20mins less playtime etc)
If you don't brush teeth I will brush them. Which they hate so just do it. Keep sending back up till it's done.

This has been set rules from the beginning my mornings are very calm and easy.

You need to have a non negotiable time schedule. But I also believe that asking them what they would like = less rows.

Breakfast is at the kitchen table, and I don't care what they eat but they have to eat something.

Likewise with lunches, I don't care what they want, as long as I have it. So I just ask and they usually say one of two fillings. Always one of 2 or 3 fruits, they're pretty predictable. They're only allowed water anyway.

Start getting into uniforms with 20 mins to spare, and thank god for uniforms, they can't bitch too much about them.

Then shoes, teeth and coat.

I only have to do the school run on my day off so just pull on trousers and Birkenstocks and throw a coat over my pyjama top as our school encourages drop offs at the speed of light. But if I was working I'd get up half an hour earlier and get myself ready, otherwise it would be Hell On Earth.

I find that a chirpy Mary Poppins persona (brisk! brisk! brisk! come along children!) helps to hurry them on without too much escalation.

I've also found that they have absolutely no concept of time.

So I'll say things like: 'ooh you know so and so will already be walking past the post office now, so we'd better get our shoes on.' or 'The doors already open for year 6'. You've got to kind of get them in that place mentally.

Nope.

If you walk past my house in the morning you will hear an agitated woman yelling FOR THE LAST TIME! PUT! YOUR! PANTS! ON!!

I know there is a better way but it is safe to say I have not found it.

Completely organised the night before so only water bottles/snacks/lunches to shove in bags in the am.
Our challenge is when they go back upstairs after breakfast to wash teeth and come straight back. This can take 15 mins.... wtf. It's not Balmoral and off to the west wing.
I did see someone who had a second set of toothbrushes in the downstairs loo which I thought was genius.

Pre pandemic I had a long commute so it wasn't my problem. There are days I miss the office.

Routine pays off. Breakfast at the table with my choice of radio on (radio 4 if they're not on task!). Uniform, face wash and teeth in any order. Don't care about toothpaste on uniform - shows their teeth have been done! Hair last of all. "Mummy's salon" opens - chair in front of the telly to keep their heads still. All out of the door by 0720, every week day.
Also, remember to tell them when they've done well!

I used to have a second set of toothbrushes downstairs but I ditched it.

They messed around just the same amount and my downstairs toilet was destroyed with toothpaste on the sink and the mirror every day. Not worth it at all!

Now they mess around the same amount but at least I don't have to clean the downstairs loo every bloody day.

I only have 1, so I’m sure that makes it easier, but what works for me is not having too much time between getting up and leaving the house. If we can be up, dressed, quick breakfast, teeth, shoes and coats on, out in quick succession it’s fine. If there’s excessive time then she will start to play, mess about with something and get distracted and want to do something else and it goes awry. DH is not home as he’ll have already left for work which makes it easier as the fewer people in the house the better. I get myself fully ready before DD gets up.

Also routine seems to be key, if something is a bit different (like DH being in the house) it throws everything off.

Alarms. I wake them up. Alarm for breakfast, alarm for teeth, alarm for coats and shoes. Then it's not you being the bad guy, it's the alarm. Sounds crazy but worked for us. After a few years, we dropped the alarm. That, and they still remember me putting DS outside the front door in his pjs and throwing his clothes after him

Everything ready the night before and at door. (Or in car!)
Bags/lunch/lot/books and shoes etc.

Up at 7, brush teeth, wash face.
In bedroom, get dressed and tidy/pull back duvet for airing.
7:30 Downstairs for breakfast.
Tidy up from breakfast, usually done by 7:50.
Shoes/coats on straight after and leave, no matter what the time is, head to park. The less they fuss the more time they have at park. Usually get to park around 8:10
Leave park at 8:30.

Honestly, I don't do anything. I have 5 to get ready. One is a baby so I sort him but the others I make sure that they have everything they need so washing done etc. But I don't pack bags or fill water bottles or get fruit snacks together. Or find shoes that haven't been put away or pack after school bags. I give time reminders and ask if they have brushed their teeth and had breakfast and that's about it. I used to run around like a headless chicken seemingly responsible for everything and they were incapable of even putting on their pants. Now I put stuff in drawers and that's it. It's their responsibility to check they have everything they need the night before and to get on with it. Amazingly they do. Aged 6.8,10 and 13. I guess there is a bit of peer pressure in a big family.

I find it helps if I get up at least half an hour before them, have two cups of tea and get dressed in peace before the rabble descends.

Only because shouting at my DC is completely counter productive and will absolutely make things worse so I have had no choice but to remain calm. When she was 5 I used an element of racing (with me) to get shoes on first or similar. Mainly I let her win unless she was not cooperating.

One day we took toothbrush to school and did teeth there.
Mainly my threat was 'no sweet things to eat today if you don't clean your teeth' - Which I have carried out a few times.

Get bags and uniform ready night before.
I get up 30 mins before, get showered, dressed, coffee, pack lunchboxes.
Dc up, toilet, teeth, wash, dressed, hair then come downstairs.
Have breakfast.
Then they just need to wash their face, get shoes on.
No tv at all. Radio yes.

Also, toddlers are hard work but your 5 year old is capable of following a routine. Helps to talk to them about what is needed the night before I think. This morning for various reasons we all had to be out of the house at 7.30. I was actually last to get up 😂 and we had time to go to the bakery for pastries and walk the dog before school.

Finally (I'll shut up now) shouting and getting stressed is actually counter productive. They get entrenched and shout back or upset and flustered and then don't do anything. Much better to make light of it all. I used to be a shouty mum by the way. It's pointless and makes you feel shit.

Thank you all so much for the replies!

I think the problem isn't having enough time, it's having too much time. I get everything possible done the night before, so I'm not really stressing about lunches and bags. In an ideal world dc would wake at 8, quick routine and out the door for 8.50. Its the extra 60 or 90 minutes that causes trouble, they lose focus/ fidget and fight etc.

I think another problem is probably the toddler, he gives zero fucks who is late etc, he just runs around upending bowls of cereal, stealing bits of uniform and hiding them, thinking he's the funniest thing on 2 legs.

I'm sure I'll look back fondly on all of this one day, but for now it's exhausting. Maybe I need to wait a year or 2 and things will be better

By being present really, the key is to be up before them and have all your own stuff sorted. I'm there to help them if they want.