How do you deal with the guilt of spending money you can easily afford?

[PestoOnToast]

I've NC for this because I feel foolish! But I wonder if other people have this experience....

As background: My parents were poor when I was young. I personally never went without food, warmth or shelter etc. but my parents absolutely did. When I was about 11, my parents' finances improved and we started to have a more comfortable life. My mum really started to relish this new situation and would spend without thinking too much. She still does this now. No problem, she can afford to and I think she feels vey secure in her financial situation.

Now I'm in my mid-30s and I have no money worries at all - happy to elaborate on specifics if it would help.
But I am overcome by guilt and uncertainty whenever I spend anything non-essential. I will take ages weighing up whether I actually need the item, the pros/cons of the specific item I'm looking at, assessing when/how/how often I'll use it, how long it will last etc. Sometimes to the point that I talk myself out of buying said item. Or I weigh things up so much that I get into a massive tizz about it and can't cope so I just give up on it. I'm not talking about purchases of £100s, I'm talking £8 earrings and a £25 plant pot (examples from this week)

I want to be more like my mum, to spend without thinking too much. Again, I'm not talking £100s (though I could afford £100s). I mean that if I want a new plant pot, I want to be able to just go online or to the shops, see one, buy it, never give it a second thought. But I feel a though money is precarious and even though I am very secure in my financial position, I don't feel secure. I guess you never know what's around the corner so it's good to be cautious but I take it too far.

I'm not like this with essentials or stuff for our house or stuff me and DP enjoy together. I'm only really like it with stuff for me. I know its a woman thing and I know it comes from my mum's really problematic ideas about distribution of resources when I was a child - she would always go without so everyone else could have what they needed and has always seen this as a never natural order of things.

Sorry - massive thread....
TLDR: I have enough money to buy things that I want but I feel guilty whenever I do, to the point that sometimes I end up not buying stuff I want. Anyone else have this? How do you deal with it?

Yep me, I wait and wait and wait. Mr FannyBrice keeps saying just buy it but I dunno I feel like I have to somehow justify it if that makes sense

same here. got money in the bank as savings but scared to spend it as we had a serious reduction in income. (like you not gone without but no frills and rationed food to one glass of milk a day etc and no getting the latest fad) and then on temporary contracts with work. I am currently on carers allowance and child maintenance so reluctant to spend as that money has got to last.

@FannyBrice

Yep me, I wait and wait and wait. Mr FannyBrice keeps saying just buy it but I dunno I feel like I have to somehow justify it if that makes sense

Yeah, I wait because I feel as though I have to get the exact right 'one' of a given item because I'm spending money on it. So as long as I get the 'perfect' plant pot or earrings or whatever then it's more justified that I spent money on it.

DP also says 'just buy it' but I can't.

@BlackeyedSusan

same here. got money in the bank as savings but scared to spend it as we had a serious reduction in income. (like you not gone without but no frills and rationed food to one glass of milk a day etc and no getting the latest fad) and then on temporary contracts with work. I am currently on carers allowance and child maintenance so reluctant to spend as that money has got to last.

Sorry you had a huge reduction in income - that must've been scary.

The thing is we could survive a pretty big reduction in income (we live pretty cheaply without trying to - we don't really eat meat, we don't travel because of the dog, we don't drink massive amounts of alcohol etc). Plus, a portion of DP's income is absolutely guaranteed for 5 years even if he looses his main job. We could very easily survive comfortably with no rations/cuts on this portion of his income even if I lost my job too. So we are really secure but I still can't shake the feeling that it's all so tenuous.

Can you give yourself "pocket money" each week? That may help normalise typical spending for you.

I had a similar childhood to you OP and now have a very good income but also feel guilty about spending on myself, I’ll happily spend hundreds on new toys, clothes and days out for DD but haven’t bought myself any news clothes for a very long time. I also really worry about something going wrong financially so have purposely kept it so that our ongoings are way less than our income (for example, we could afford more than double the mortgage that we have but I’m quite scared to commit to anything more than a tiny house).
I think it’s really hard to get out of the ‘poor’ mentality when you’ve grown up with scarcity.

I don’t actually think it’s a bad thing to be frugal though and to really consider purchases. As a society we buy a lot of pointless crap and create so much waste. I tend to be quite purposeful about the things that I buy, think about it for a long time, do lots of research and then when I do buy something it’s something I really love and get a lot of use out of.

I’m not at all like this, and I can’t help reading your post and thinking I should take some tips from you to reduce my frivolous spending! In reality I guess a middle ground is the ideal.
The pocket money idea sounds like a good one… maybe but aside a small portion of your income that is earmarked for things for you, that are non essential but that you will enjoy?

My parents also sound quite similar to yours. They found themselves in a much stronger financial position by the time I was a teenager, not wealthy but no longer struggling, and since then just spend on whatever they want. They haven’t been sensible with their money at all and are now entering retirement without very much behind them. So I don’t think being totally carefree with money is the right approach either.

is it actually about money or is it more about over consumption or having too many things or seeing somethings as intrinsically less valuable so £15 on a plant pot seems more frivolous than £500 on a decent mattress?
do you actually want another plant pot
there is a whole thing about intentional living; buying what you need at the quality you can afford and are happy with getting value for money
so if you need or want a plant pot you get one or however many you want/ need but only when you find ones you really like and will use; not one that will do for now but end up thrown away
if you genuinely are not sure about your financial security talk to an advisor who knows what the risks and returns on your assets are and how secure they are, when you perhaps understand your financial security better you may feel less awkward about spending money that is not in these pots for the future

Can you set yourself a budget, a certain amount goes into savings for a rainy day fund and a certain amount goes into a frivolous spending fund. That way you mentally know there are savings which could ease some anxiety, and equally you can the 'afford' to start treating yourself more because it's in a budget.

I'm the same, OP, and it's quite miserable :(

What i found helps a bit when i'm debating buying something:
-open up my online banking app and look at my savings account as reasurance that what i'm about to spend is the tiniest tiniest drop in the ocean

• calculate how much it costs in terms of hours worked. So a 10 euro thing means i have to work an hour for it, but if it's something that i will enjoy for a long time or something that will create a lovely memory then surely it's worth it

-think about the fact that i might get hit by a bus tomorrow and i'd be pissed to see all those savings left behind when i could have indulged a little bit more

Thanks everyone!

The pocket money idea is a really good one which I've actually tried before but failed miserably.

I failed because I couldn't arrive at a figure to allow myself to spend. Once we've paid essentials, the rest of the month's money is basically 'spare' - DP would have no problem if I blew the lot. So how do you arrive at a figure? Just pluck one from the air? Or do you calculate it based on incomings/outgoings etc? Do you set this figure as something that you 'have' to spend? Like, if I had £300 a month to spend just on stuff me, is the idea that you have to spend that £300? Otherwise, I would just think "Oooh, yay, I can save this".

@WhyOhWhyOhWhyyyy

I had a similar childhood to you OP and now have a very good income but also feel guilty about spending on myself, I’ll happily spend hundreds on new toys, clothes and days out for DD but haven’t bought myself any news clothes for a very long time. I also really worry about something going wrong financially so have purposely kept it so that our ongoings are way less than our income (for example, we could afford more than double the mortgage that we have but I’m quite scared to commit to anything more than a tiny house). I think it’s really hard to get out of the ‘poor’ mentality when you’ve grown up with scarcity.

I don’t actually think it’s a bad thing to be frugal though and to really consider purchases. As a society we buy a lot of pointless crap and create so much waste. I tend to be quite purposeful about the things that I buy, think about it for a long time, do lots of research and then when I do buy something it’s something I really love and get a lot of use out of.

I'm the same with Christmas. I can easily spend £1000 on DP at Christmas. And our Christmas food and drink (like all-in, not just over the 'main days' but stretching over December and into new year) can easily be £2000. I don't think twice about this. Weird.

It took me a long time to adjust to buying something because I need it or even want it. I can buy what I want now without too much thought (I'm talking a bra or a pack of knickers rather than a new car!). It's very easy to spend money on my kids but it's difficult to lost the mindset that I can't afford to buy something for me.

I try not to buy stuff for environmental reasons. Imho it's really worth asking ourselves at least once or twice 'do I REALLY need this and will I keep it for a long time' before we buy stuff. But on the other hand, not to get too fixated about it.

I'd do a CBT thing and consciously experiment with "frivolously" buying the thing and the outcomes. Maybe using a worksheet like this
www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/cognitive-model-example-practice/cbt/none

@TeacupDrama

is it actually about money or is it more about over consumption or having too many things or seeing somethings as intrinsically less valuable so £15 on a plant pot seems more frivolous than £500 on a decent mattress? do you actually want another plant pot there is a whole thing about intentional living; buying what you need at the quality you can afford and are happy with getting value for money so if you need or want a plant pot you get one or however many you want/ need but only when you find ones you really like and will use; not one that will do for now but end up thrown away if you genuinely are not sure about your financial security talk to an advisor who knows what the risks and returns on your assets are and how secure they are, when you perhaps understand your financial security better you may feel less awkward about spending money that is not in these pots for the future

No, it's not about over-consumption. I only buy stuff I want/need, not just random tat that gets chucked away. In fact, we have a 'no tat' rule in our house

To your second point - it's a weird one about financial security. I am, in some ways, not at all worried about financial security for all sorts of reasons (can explain if helpful). But in other ways, being very financially comfortable feels alien, it feels like I'm living someone else's life with their freedoms and at any moment, it'll go back to normal. I'm not sure what 'normal' I mean, but I look at my comfortable financial situation and think "this can't be right, can it?"

@someonesomewhere7

I'm the same, OP, and it's quite miserable :(

What i found helps a bit when i'm debating buying something:
-open up my online banking app and look at my savings account as reasurance that what i'm about to spend is the tiniest tiniest drop in the ocean

• calculate how much it costs in terms of hours worked. So a 10 euro thing means i have to work an hour for it, but if it's something that i will enjoy for a long time or something that will create a lovely memory then surely it's worth it

-think about the fact that i might get hit by a bus tomorrow and i'd be pissed to see all those savings left behind when i could have indulged a little bit more

Are you my DP?!

When I get all tizzy about spending, my DP does exactly this to me.... He makes me sit down and look over our savings. He works out how long I have to work to afford something. He tells me that one day I will die with thousands in savings and look like an idiot

He is not sympathetic to my neuroses!

[quote QuentinBunbury]I'd do a CBT thing and consciously experiment with "frivolously" buying the thing and the outcomes. Maybe using a worksheet like this
www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/cognitive-model-example-practice/cbt/none[/quote]
That's really useful, thank you. I think I do try and do this myself in some ways.

If I want to buy something and get all weird about it, I ask myself "What's the problem if I buy it and it's not right?"

The answer usually, of course, is that there's no problem.

This is 100% me.

I was brought up poor and now I am very comfortable.

But I feel so so guilty spending money.

What has helped me is to upgrade things one at a time. So going from never getting your nails done to spending £100 on a haircut will not work but if you usually get your colour done at home buy a better brand and over time that will feel normal.

I am TERRIBLE at spending money on the fly though, if I see something I like I will dither about it for ages.
It drives my sister mad.

I also feel better if I’m buying experiences with other people too, so I’ll happily buy tickets for my nieces or a cottage for the family for the weekend, but a £4 plant pot would be like pulling my hair out.

Also someone on here once pointed out that after a while saving money with no reason is money hoarding and that struck a cord with me.
So I got a cleaner and a gardener and try and buy as many service based things as I want to put money back into small businesses.

Otherwise you’re right, I have no children so I’m just going to die with loads of money and have nothing to show for it.

@MoonbeamSprinkles

This is 100% me.

I was brought up poor and now I am very comfortable.

But I feel so so guilty spending money.

What has helped me is to upgrade things one at a time. So going from never getting your nails done to spending £100 on a haircut will not work but if you usually get your colour done at home buy a better brand and over time that will feel normal.

I am TERRIBLE at spending money on the fly though, if I see something I like I will dither about it for ages.
It drives my sister mad.

I also feel better if I’m buying experiences with other people too, so I’ll happily buy tickets for my nieces or a cottage for the family for the weekend, but a £4 plant pot would be like pulling my hair out.

That's really interesting doing things one at a time, thank you.

Yep, dithering is exactly right.

That's what I do too.

Here's a RIDICULOUS example: last week I went to B&M Stores and they had picture frames on sale for £1.50. I needed three picture frames to fill an empty little bit of wall, and these were really nice. But I couldn't do it on the fly. I wandered around the shop twice thinking whether or not to get them. I talked myself into it but I only bought one, even though I needed three. I got home and talked to DP about it. He went through how many hours I had to work to earn the £4.50 that 3 of these frames cost . I went back a couple of days later and bought the other two.

@MoonbeamSprinkles

Also someone on here once pointed out that after a while saving money with no reason is money hoarding and that struck a cord with me. So I got a cleaner and a gardener and try and buy as many service based things as I want to put money back into small businesses.

Otherwise you’re right, I have no children so I’m just going to die with loads of money and have nothing to show for it.

It's a fine line isn't it between saving and hoarding?

DP and I are planning to retire early and run our money down so we die with nothing. So we're 'saving' for early retirement, but it's still some years off so can feel like hoarding. And hoarding is addictive.

Totally understand Op
I can buy lovely things for others , but find it difficult to spend on myself.
Dh doesn’t have an issue with spending. He believes that if he wants something and he can afford it, he will simply buy it. He is constantly trying to get me to buy things for myself and on many occasions he has bought items for me as he knows that I will not buy them
I am trying to come around to dh’s way of thinking
Dh and I both came from relatively poor backgrounds, but we have completely different attitudes to money

I think it would be easier to advise if we knew what your actual budget was Op, income and outgoings. Dependent on the figures, we can tell you if you are being ridiculous and buy the bloody plant pot
I had this op, and became a money hoarder, walking around in holy knickers with plenty in the bank. I am getting better now as I realise it’s not necessary once you have a certain amount of financial security. You have to live as well as plan for a future that none of us are guaranteed.