How do you deal with the guilt of spending money you can easily afford?

[PestoOnToast]

I've NC for this because I feel foolish! But I wonder if other people have this experience....

As background: My parents were poor when I was young. I personally never went without food, warmth or shelter etc. but my parents absolutely did. When I was about 11, my parents' finances improved and we started to have a more comfortable life. My mum really started to relish this new situation and would spend without thinking too much. She still does this now. No problem, she can afford to and I think she feels vey secure in her financial situation.

Now I'm in my mid-30s and I have no money worries at all - happy to elaborate on specifics if it would help.
But I am overcome by guilt and uncertainty whenever I spend anything non-essential. I will take ages weighing up whether I actually need the item, the pros/cons of the specific item I'm looking at, assessing when/how/how often I'll use it, how long it will last etc. Sometimes to the point that I talk myself out of buying said item. Or I weigh things up so much that I get into a massive tizz about it and can't cope so I just give up on it. I'm not talking about purchases of £100s, I'm talking £8 earrings and a £25 plant pot (examples from this week)

I want to be more like my mum, to spend without thinking too much. Again, I'm not talking £100s (though I could afford £100s). I mean that if I want a new plant pot, I want to be able to just go online or to the shops, see one, buy it, never give it a second thought. But I feel a though money is precarious and even though I am very secure in my financial position, I don't feel secure. I guess you never know what's around the corner so it's good to be cautious but I take it too far.

I'm not like this with essentials or stuff for our house or stuff me and DP enjoy together. I'm only really like it with stuff for me. I know its a woman thing and I know it comes from my mum's really problematic ideas about distribution of resources when I was a child - she would always go without so everyone else could have what they needed and has always seen this as a never natural order of things.

Sorry - massive thread....
TLDR: I have enough money to buy things that I want but I feel guilty whenever I do, to the point that sometimes I end up not buying stuff I want. Anyone else have this? How do you deal with it?

Holey knickers not holy ones

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@Lampzade

Totally understand Op I can buy lovely things for others , but find it difficult to spend on myself. Dh doesn’t have an issue with spending. He believes that if he wants something and he can afford it, he will simply buy it. He is constantly trying to get me to buy things for myself and on many occasions he has bought items for me as he knows that I will not buy them I am trying to come around to dh’s way of thinking Dh and I both came from relatively poor backgrounds, but we have completely different attitudes to money

This is exactly the same as me and DP. We are from pretty similar backgrounds but very, very different attitudes to money.

That's my I understand my issue as being about sex/gender, not just economic background.

I don't think men are brought up with the idea of self-sacrifice as much as women are when it comes to family finances.

Interesting... I am a pensioner and live very frugally by choice. lacking nothing need and enjoying simplicity.

So I have money from my pension - even after feeding my seven rescue cats.
I am nearly eighty and need so little now.

So I share with my faith-family who rescue abandoned babies in India and feed homeless folk . A privilege.

I think that is called a win win situation..

DH and I are the opposite. He’s a saver, I’m a spender. He won’t buy himself new clothes unless it’s absolutely necessary and hates spending more than £10 an item. He never spends on himself but happily buys things for me and the children.

I grew up poor op

I'm a council
Flat with two hard working parents but poor none the less.

They then ended up in a very comfortable situation and they enjoy it rather a lot and seem to have totally forgotten what it's like to be on the breadline.

They think nothing of spending thousands on electric bikes that have been ridden once or a monthly Amazon bill in the hundreds and it's all tat.

Their house is filled with useless tat but I'm the opposite

For at least 6 years we were comfortable,breakfasts out,meals out,holidays etc etc although I always remember being a totally skint on my ass single parent for five years before I met dh and that has never left me.

I would always think nothing of taking the dc on shopping trips for things they need and not budgeting or worrying about the cost afterwards but for myself I always found it difficult.

Thanks to Covid our finances have changed massively and it's going to take us a good 12 months to recover from it including savings.

We currently save nothing each month and are having to pay off alot of debt created from Covid so having no fall back is really bothering me and I feel unsafe financially.

The dc have still had what they've needed and we've gone mid range on their things but the last piece of clothing I bought myself was a pair of cheap leggins for waking in and some primark bras.

I've down graded make up and face creams and can't remember the last time I went into a nice shop to treat myself because even if I had the money to do so I really struggle with it.

The justification is bad

Dh on the other hand was brought up with money so has a totally different outlook even though we are living month to month and scraping through he's jolly and positive about it bless him.

I needed new flip flops this summer as I've been wearing the same ones for years and I just couldn't justify £20 so he bought them as a surprise for me.

How ridiculous is that that even a pair of flip flops stress me out

@FfrothiCoffi

DH and I are the opposite. He’s a saver, I’m a spender. He won’t buy himself new clothes unless it’s absolutely necessary and hates spending more than £10 an item. He never spends on himself but happily buys things for me and the children.

How do you spend without guilt, please?

@wtfisgoingonhere21

I grew up poor op

I'm a council
Flat with two hard working parents but poor none the less.

They then ended up in a very comfortable situation and they enjoy it rather a lot and seem to have totally forgotten what it's like to be on the breadline.

They think nothing of spending thousands on electric bikes that have been ridden once or a monthly Amazon bill in the hundreds and it's all tat.

Their house is filled with useless tat but I'm the opposite

For at least 6 years we were comfortable,breakfasts out,meals out,holidays etc etc although I always remember being a totally skint on my ass single parent for five years before I met dh and that has never left me.

I would always think nothing of taking the dc on shopping trips for things they need and not budgeting or worrying about the cost afterwards but for myself I always found it difficult.

Thanks to Covid our finances have changed massively and it's going to take us a good 12 months to recover from it including savings.

We currently save nothing each month and are having to pay off alot of debt created from Covid so having no fall back is really bothering me and I feel unsafe financially.

The dc have still had what they've needed and we've gone mid range on their things but the last piece of clothing I bought myself was a pair of cheap leggins for waking in and some primark bras.

I've down graded make up and face creams and can't remember the last time I went into a nice shop to treat myself because even if I had the money to do so I really struggle with it.

The justification is bad

Dh on the other hand was brought up with money so has a totally different outlook even though we are living month to month and scraping through he's jolly and positive about it bless him.

I needed new flip flops this summer as I've been wearing the same ones for years and I just couldn't justify £20 so he bought them as a surprise for me.

How ridiculous is that that even a pair of flip flops stress me out

I'm sorry your financial situation has taken such a hit during Covid and you're not feeling secure, that's really shit.

@SoloISland

Interesting... I am a pensioner and live very frugally by choice. lacking nothing need and enjoying simplicity.

So I have money from my pension - even after feeding my seven rescue cats.
I am nearly eighty and need so little now.

So I share with my faith-family who rescue abandoned babies in India and feed homeless folk . A privilege.

I think that is called a win win situation..

That's really interesting. It sounds lovely that you share with folk in need

I don’t feel any need to feel guilty about it 🤷🏻‍♀️. Why would I? We can afford it.

I've found similar OP. I grew up in a large, fairly poor family (although in the 80s lots of people lived with much less I think).

DH and I are now wealthy beyond my wildest dreams in very high-paying jobs. We have a lot of the middle class trappings - big house, fancy car, long haul holidays etc but we are both frugal in relation to so many things. We shop around for everything, deny ourselves things etc.

The fancy car involved months of research and a 6 hour round trip to buy the cheapest one in the country, our long haul holidays have involved doing loads of slightly mad things to earn miles to book the flights etc.

I'll always choose the cheapest thing on any menu rather than what I'd like to eat. We'll take a picnic/coffee with us rather than buy food.

I'm going to a wedding this weekend and I have been completely unable to buy a new dress for £40 so spent weeks and weeks trawling second hand dresses. I finally ordered one for £3 and there's no way it's going to arrive on time now

In some ways it is good to be frugal, to think carefully about spending and spend consciously, but sometimes I just want to bloody well lighten up and not think so much about it.

@SandysMam

I think it would be easier to advise if we knew what your actual budget was Op, income and outgoings. Dependent on the figures, we can tell you if you are being ridiculous and buy the bloody plant pot I had this op, and became a money hoarder, walking around in holy knickers with plenty in the bank. I am getting better now as I realise it’s not necessary once you have a certain amount of financial security. You have to live as well as plan for a future that none of us are guaranteed.

LOL.. holy knickers

If I told you incomings/outgoings, you would absolutely say I'm being ridiculous. That's half the problem - I KNOW I am. I need to stop but I don't know how.

I get myself in a double tizzy - I'm stressed over buying the thing in the first place but then also doubly stressed because I beat myself for being stressed in the first place.

It's a mindset. We've got a beautiful home, good pensions etc. We retired some years ago, kids set up with homes they own and doing well. I could spend what I like on clothes etc if I chose to.

All our lives our emphasis has been on bricks and mortar. We've stretched ourselves to get this house and old habits die hard. I wouldn't dream of buying a dress that costs more than £30 even for a special occasion. Same with handbags. About £70 is my absolute limit. Stuff for the house is always from cheap places. It's just not in me to spend. Actually I don't know the difference anyway.

@CrasterKipper

I've found similar OP. I grew up in a large, fairly poor family (although in the 80s lots of people lived with much less I think).

DH and I are now wealthy beyond my wildest dreams in very high-paying jobs. We have a lot of the middle class trappings - big house, fancy car, long haul holidays etc but we are both frugal in relation to so many things. We shop around for everything, deny ourselves things etc.

The fancy car involved months of research and a 6 hour round trip to buy the cheapest one in the country, our long haul holidays have involved doing loads of slightly mad things to earn miles to book the flights etc.

I'll always choose the cheapest thing on any menu rather than what I'd like to eat. We'll take a picnic/coffee with us rather than buy food.

I'm going to a wedding this weekend and I have been completely unable to buy a new dress for £40 so spent weeks and weeks trawling second hand dresses. I finally ordered one for £3 and there's no way it's going to arrive on time now

In some ways it is good to be frugal, to think carefully about spending and spend consciously, but sometimes I just want to bloody well lighten up and not think so much about it.

Yes, yes, yes. This is me too.

We don't really have too many 'trappings' of middle-class lifestyles but that's kind of circumstances rather then a conscious choice. Like, we don't have long-haul holidays (well, any holidays) because we can't leave the dog, we don't have a luxury car because neither of us can drive.

But I dither over stuff for so long and research it to the hundredth degree. I think I'd actually spontaneously combust if I had to buy a car

Like you, I never would have imagined I'd ever had the money that I have now in my mid-30s but really want to just lighten the fuck up and enjoy it.

I was like this OP.

What changed was at a very difficult time in my life when finances became a worry again, on finding out I had savings someone asked me how 'rainy' did life have to get before I'd spend my 'rainy day fund'?

It was about learning to value myself. My upbringing had subconsciously taught me that everything I needed ('wanting' something, and taking steps to get it, was a concept I was unfamiliar with) had to be justified to others. That had unconsciously stuck in my mind, affecting my behaviour, even when there were no others around to have an opinion because I was single and living alone.

Even if others had been around they'd have had no right to judge me. But I was being judged by, and justifying myself to, the ghost of the past who only lived inside my mind. I did have to learn to tell parents it was none oftheir business what I spent my own money on, if they tried being judgy in person. You escape that part at least.

We could very easily survive comfortably with no rations/cuts on this portion of his income even if I lost my job too. So we are really secure but I still can't shake the feeling that it's all so tenuous.

It's a recognised thing. The primal fear that there won't be enough resources (food/warmth/shelter, all paid for by money) to go round. It can be a result of growing up in poverty. You're not a wild squirrel, living on its wits and necessarily hoarding it's nuts ready for winter so it doesn't starve, though. You're a human being with a savings account, living in a civilized society with emergency welfare provision.

@shmashing

It's a mindset. We've got a beautiful home, good pensions etc. We retired some years ago, kids set up with homes they own and doing well. I could spend what I like on clothes etc if I chose to.

All our lives our emphasis has been on bricks and mortar. We've stretched ourselves to get this house and old habits die hard. I wouldn't dream of buying a dress that costs more than £30 even for a special occasion. Same with handbags. About £70 is my absolute limit. Stuff for the house is always from cheap places. It's just not in me to spend. Actually I don't know the difference anyway.

That's really interesting. Housing is a whole issue isn't it?

We're wavering a bit on what to do with housing. We have a lovely house that we've renovated to a very high-spec and paid off in full. We know we don't want to be in this house forever but it's hard to know when to take the plunge for the next one and how far to stretch ourselves.

Given we're planning early retirement, it's always the toss-up between working longer and having a bigger house now, or compromising slightly on housing and giving up work early. Tough choices.

Weirdly, I'm not that bothered about stretching ourselves for housing because its an investment and I love being at home so worth it. I struggle with spending on 'everyday' things that are just for me, rather than 'big' life purchases that we do together.

Life is too short
I grew up in one of the roughest council estates in Glasgow. My parents both worked full time but never had anything to show for it after feeding and clothing my 5 older siblings and me.
I had dd1 young, worked 12 hr shifts my first wage went on a pair of winter boots for dd. I had to save all year to buy her uniform for school.

I now live in an affluent area in Glasgow. I have a lovely home and a fancy car sitting in the driveway. I'm extremely lucky that I am very financially stable and can spend money on whatever I like without asking the price first.
I would absolutely LOVE my parents and dd to still be alive so I could spend money on them.
Go and spend your money OP.

@FluffyWhiteBird

I was like this OP.

What changed was at a very difficult time in my life when finances became a worry again, on finding out I had savings someone asked me how 'rainy' did life have to get before I'd spend my 'rainy day fund'?

It was about learning to value myself. My upbringing had subconsciously taught me that everything I needed ('wanting' something, and taking steps to get it, was a concept I was unfamiliar with) had to be justified to others. That had unconsciously stuck in my mind, affecting my behaviour, even when there were no others around to have an opinion because I was single and living alone.

Even if others had been around they'd have had no right to judge me. But I was being judged by, and justifying myself to, the ghost of the past who only lived inside my mind. I did have to learn to tell parents it was none oftheir business what I spent my own money on, if they tried being judgy in person. You escape that part at least.

We could very easily survive comfortably with no rations/cuts on this portion of his income even if I lost my job too. So we are really secure but I still can't shake the feeling that it's all so tenuous.

It's a recognised thing. The primal fear that there won't be enough resources (food/warmth/shelter, all paid for by money) to go round. It can be a result of growing up in poverty. You're not a wild squirrel, living on its wits and necessarily hoarding it's nuts ready for winter so it doesn't starve, though. You're a human being with a savings account, living in a civilized society with emergency welfare provision.

Jeez, @FluffyWhiteBird There are some really profound things in there that have totally flawed me.

It absolutely is about justifying myself to past people and past lives - in some ways to my former self as well actually.

"How rainy does it have to be" is a very good way to think about things.

And, you're right. I am most definitely not a squirrel

Also were you punished for making mistakes? I was. I recognize the 'thinking things through to the nth degree', spending all my time and energy on making sure I didn't make a mistake instead of enjoying my life. It's ok to make mistakes. There are very few mistakes that can't be rectified somehow.

@ParkheadParadise

Life is too short I grew up in one of the roughest council estates in Glasgow. My parents both worked full time but never had anything to show for it after feeding and clothing my 5 older siblings and me. I had dd1 young, worked 12 hr shifts my first wage went on a pair of winter boots for dd. I had to save all year to buy her uniform for school.

I now live in an affluent area in Glasgow. I have a lovely home and a fancy car sitting in the driveway. I'm extremely lucky that I am very financially stable and can spend money on whatever I like without asking the price first.
I would absolutely LOVE my parents and dd to still be alive so I could spend money on them.
Go and spend your money OP.

I'm so sorry about your parents and DD

I welled up reading your post and your 'Go and spend' advice absolutely hit home.

I don’t need to worry about spending money but I’m definitely prone to overthinking. Putting a value on my time has helped.

So if I earn £1/10/100/1000 per hour, an hour spent wondering about a purchase is the equivalent amount of money wasted. If I spend several hours considering/discussing/viewing a purchase then I’m probably wasting more of my time than the item is actually worth.

@FluffyWhiteBird

Also were you punished for making mistakes? I was. I recognize the 'thinking things through to the nth degree', spending all my time and energy on making sure I didn't make a mistake instead of enjoying my life. It's ok to make mistakes. There are very few mistakes that can't be rectified somehow.

I wasn't punished for making mistakes but certainly wasting money was a no-go in my house.

For example, if my mum bought something that was then never used, when she cleared it out she'd always say how much it was, where it was from, when it was bought etc. That just created a sense that money shouldn't/couldn't be wasted.

When I was about 8, we went to Florida. We'd never really been on holiday before. My mum still talks now about how much that holiday costs, how much overtime her and my dad did to pay for that, how much they borrowed on the credit card, how much my mum had to borrow from her credit union etc. This has been happening for nearly 30 years. It gives this sense that big amounts of money spent are events that need to be remembered/accounted for.

This thread is so helpful. Thank you so much to everyone contributing. I'm so glad (kind of!) that there are other people out there who have this same issue as me. I thought I was just a mad weirdo

Apologies for the mass-replies but I want to connect with everyone who's taking the time to share experiences and thoughts. This is so great.

@PestoOnToast
Go and hit the shops and have a lovey guilt-free day spending your money.

I'm a bit like you but I'm a bit better now. I had a shit time financially in my early 20's where I was deep in my overdraft and just made my mortgage payment and vowed to never put that stress on myself. Things got better but not great as my OH is crap with money and racked up credit cards, loans, spent loads on toys etc the kids didn't need as she felt guilty about certain things with kids. I'm now in a decent place, can save nearly £1k a month if I put my mind to it but still shop for bargains and put off spending where it's not necessary, I'm getting better but that feeling of helplessness I will remember forever and never want to be like that again.