How do you deal with the guilt of spending money you can easily afford?

[PestoOnToast]

I've NC for this because I feel foolish! But I wonder if other people have this experience....

As background: My parents were poor when I was young. I personally never went without food, warmth or shelter etc. but my parents absolutely did. When I was about 11, my parents' finances improved and we started to have a more comfortable life. My mum really started to relish this new situation and would spend without thinking too much. She still does this now. No problem, she can afford to and I think she feels vey secure in her financial situation.

Now I'm in my mid-30s and I have no money worries at all - happy to elaborate on specifics if it would help.
But I am overcome by guilt and uncertainty whenever I spend anything non-essential. I will take ages weighing up whether I actually need the item, the pros/cons of the specific item I'm looking at, assessing when/how/how often I'll use it, how long it will last etc. Sometimes to the point that I talk myself out of buying said item. Or I weigh things up so much that I get into a massive tizz about it and can't cope so I just give up on it. I'm not talking about purchases of £100s, I'm talking £8 earrings and a £25 plant pot (examples from this week)

I want to be more like my mum, to spend without thinking too much. Again, I'm not talking £100s (though I could afford £100s). I mean that if I want a new plant pot, I want to be able to just go online or to the shops, see one, buy it, never give it a second thought. But I feel a though money is precarious and even though I am very secure in my financial position, I don't feel secure. I guess you never know what's around the corner so it's good to be cautious but I take it too far.

I'm not like this with essentials or stuff for our house or stuff me and DP enjoy together. I'm only really like it with stuff for me. I know its a woman thing and I know it comes from my mum's really problematic ideas about distribution of resources when I was a child - she would always go without so everyone else could have what they needed and has always seen this as a never natural order of things.

Sorry - massive thread....
TLDR: I have enough money to buy things that I want but I feel guilty whenever I do, to the point that sometimes I end up not buying stuff I want. Anyone else have this? How do you deal with it?

This is fascinating! I was thinking earlier today about this very thing - I think my issues are also influenced by the fact that I find my work quite tough at the moment so don't want my hard-earned savings to be squandered. This places an enormous burden on me to spend responsibility.
After reading these, I'm considering giving myself £100 a month pocket money (which I can comfortably afford), try to relax about spending it and if I haven't spent it on treating myself, the remainder can go to charity.

Oh gosh. Somebody else like me!

I spent 20 minutes of my Saturday morning picking a DOORSTOP off amazon. I can never buy something full price, I always have to have a bargain.

This is despite the fact that next year my salary rises to over £150k

@TeacupDrama

yes time spent researching should be proportionate to cost etc; spending hours dithering over a plant pot and buying a house after some online research and 2 x 30 minute viewings doesn't really add up I needed new summer sandals I decided to get Birkenstocks not cheap ones but spent about 20-30 minutes checking the best price online then I bought them. I spent a little longer looking for a new mattress and reading reviews not just because of money but comfort but for the photo frames it would be is it the right size? do I like it? will it fit in with decor? is the quality good enough? if yes to all 4 then buy

Yep, doesn't add up at all.

As I said upthread, we're a bit unsure what to do about moving house. But I've got a kind of 'fuck it, let's buy a massive detached place and do it up' which would cost about £800-£900K where we live. I would do this in a heartbeat if a house came up that DP and I both liked.

But I reckon I've spent a total of 10 hours researching a £25 plant trough for our back garden.

Makes no sense.

@pareyea

Oh gosh. Somebody else like me!

I spent 20 minutes of my Saturday morning picking a DOORSTOP off amazon. I can never buy something full price, I always have to have a bargain.

This is despite the fact that next year my salary rises to over £150k

Oh blimey. Doorstop would be a hard decision for me too. That would most definitely have me looking all over the internet. And, yes, I don't think salary has that much to do with it. In fact, I think I've actually gotten worse as my wages have increased. WHAT?!?!?!?

You know the saying "practice makes perfect"? It's not true. Practice makes permanent. You're practicing being poor, but you're not currently poor. Frugality is a good habit to have but you're taking it to excess, given your circumstances. You should practice being impulsive as that's the habit you want to cultivate. Impulsive is the opposite to overthinking. I'm convinced that too much money doesn't make people happier it makes them miserable because they stress about losing it. Once you've reached the point of 'enough' any more just causes a problem. I know 'enough' is subjective. Can you start small £20 for example and impulsively spend it once a month? What's the worst that can happen? Or, and I mean this kindly, if you've got all this time for thinking and your life/sleep patterns etc isn't falling apart then is part of the issue that you've got too much time on your hands and you'd benefit from a new hobby? You could spend your spare cash on experiences instead of physical 'stuff'. Maybe you just have enough stuff? Go out with a friend instead, somewhere you 'can't afford' (except you can!) Or do a college course unrelated to your career purely for the sake of learning something new?

I'm only 38 but I'm a bit old fashioned in the finance-respect OP. I honestly do think it's good to be frugal. People spend WAAAY too much these days on what can only be described as junk, or frivolities that they don't need or that don't last them any reasonable length of time.

Oh dear. I sound very tight don't I! But money is hard to earn and easy to spend - I hate spending money as you can probably tell, so I do weigh up the pros and cons of simple purchases and sometimes I do just walk away if that internal dialogue doesn't work out in their favour!

And, let's be honest, some people get a kick out of bagging a bargain! I know I certainly do. It doesn't matter how much money I may have at the time, if I can get a good deal or a bargain item I somehow come away with a feeling of elation, like I've cheated the system. If I have to pay full price that gives me feelings of acute irritation!!!

I think I get this from my dad. He's actually quite wealthy, but he only EVER buys second hand. He likes that feeling of cheating the system!!!

Yes, no VAT.😄

I just posted a thread coincidentally on this very topic. I didn’t grow up poor but average I would say, and we are financially secure, more than I could ever imagined. But our bank balance isn’t enough to stop me worrying about spending money. I have justify every purchase, especially “frivolous” items like clothes. After I have bought something, I will go round and round in my head explaining why I needed a new jacket

By the envelope money system.

By pinning down where evry penny needs to go, bills and essentials aside, by saying x for long term saving, x for immediately saving eg Xmas, children's stuff, bday, holidays.

Then what's left is soley for fun stuff.