How do you deal with the guilt of spending money you can easily afford?

[PestoOnToast]

I've NC for this because I feel foolish! But I wonder if other people have this experience....

As background: My parents were poor when I was young. I personally never went without food, warmth or shelter etc. but my parents absolutely did. When I was about 11, my parents' finances improved and we started to have a more comfortable life. My mum really started to relish this new situation and would spend without thinking too much. She still does this now. No problem, she can afford to and I think she feels vey secure in her financial situation.

Now I'm in my mid-30s and I have no money worries at all - happy to elaborate on specifics if it would help.
But I am overcome by guilt and uncertainty whenever I spend anything non-essential. I will take ages weighing up whether I actually need the item, the pros/cons of the specific item I'm looking at, assessing when/how/how often I'll use it, how long it will last etc. Sometimes to the point that I talk myself out of buying said item. Or I weigh things up so much that I get into a massive tizz about it and can't cope so I just give up on it. I'm not talking about purchases of £100s, I'm talking £8 earrings and a £25 plant pot (examples from this week)

I want to be more like my mum, to spend without thinking too much. Again, I'm not talking £100s (though I could afford £100s). I mean that if I want a new plant pot, I want to be able to just go online or to the shops, see one, buy it, never give it a second thought. But I feel a though money is precarious and even though I am very secure in my financial position, I don't feel secure. I guess you never know what's around the corner so it's good to be cautious but I take it too far.

I'm not like this with essentials or stuff for our house or stuff me and DP enjoy together. I'm only really like it with stuff for me. I know its a woman thing and I know it comes from my mum's really problematic ideas about distribution of resources when I was a child - she would always go without so everyone else could have what they needed and has always seen this as a never natural order of things.

Sorry - massive thread....
TLDR: I have enough money to buy things that I want but I feel guilty whenever I do, to the point that sometimes I end up not buying stuff I want. Anyone else have this? How do you deal with it?

@Myotherusernamewastakenagain

I'm a bit like you but I'm a bit better now. I had a shit time financially in my early 20's where I was deep in my overdraft and just made my mortgage payment and vowed to never put that stress on myself. Things got better but not great as my OH is crap with money and racked up credit cards, loans, spent loads on toys etc the kids didn't need as she felt guilty about certain things with kids. I'm now in a decent place, can save nearly £1k a month if I put my mind to it but still shop for bargains and put off spending where it's not necessary, I'm getting better but that feeling of helplessness I will remember forever and never want to be like that again.

That sounds like a really hard time but well done for making £1K savings per month. Brilliant.

I don't think I will ever stop bargain-hunting. Even if I won the lottery, you'd still find me hanging around B&M

I'm like this, even though I didn't have a poor upbringing. It's partly about environment and waste but also a fear of wasting money. DH doesn't help because he the same. I'm fine with spending on meals out and experiences though

Absolutely me. I grew up poor, but we always had enough to eat so I suppose I didn't realise how poor until I was older and listening to a radio ad that said 'x amount of children grow up in poverty and don't have a winter coat', and I thought gosh that's absolutely awful... then I thought about it and thought hang on a minute, I never had a winter coat (or boots, wellies) etc. Our house was freezing, single glazing, no CH, and a condemned fire so we were always cold.
I absolutely agonise over anything for myself, if it's essential I will get it, but if I walk past a top I like or something I overthink it and can't often justify the money even though we are very comfortable and I can afford a want or treat (I actually hardly have any clothes cos I can't justify buying them, so I probably do actually need some as more of an essential really). I once spent about 15 minutes in Asda debating with myself if I could justify a £8 vase/plant thing for my bedroom.
I actually don't think twice though about buying for my DCs. I like to shop around and get good deals but I find I can easily justify non essential purchases for them (like bouncy castle, or trampoline for the garden etc). I suppose I don't want them going without and they certainly have winter essentials as required.-
We have a fair bit in savings but if we have to dip into it I get very uptight and anxious, my husband cannot understand it as most of his friends live month to month and he thinks we are in a good position but I can see myself panicking that if it all goes and an unexpected bill comes in then we would be screwed (we wouldn't we our wages cover bills with sufficient funds left over each month).
My sister went the opposite way, she's in masses of debt but it seems she cannot help but spend her last £1 on something and anything!!
I doubt i would ever be poor again (obviously I cant say for sure but reliable jobs, insurances etc) but it never leaves you!
I thought about taking a small amount of spend each month to a different account, so that when I finish bfing my DS I could go have a bit of a guilt free splurge on new things, could you try do something like that?

OP I think you should make a point to go out in the next few days and buy yourself something lovely that you would ordinarily agonise over. It has to be just for you though. And come back and tell us what you got.

@WhyOhWhyOhWhyyyy you could literally have been me writing that! I too could afford a much bigger mortgage (and have toyed with the idea of moving) but would be too anxious with the increase.
I also don't seem to have an issue spending on the DC. They have ample toys, clothes and we take them out all over the place. Wonder if there is something in the psychology of growing up poor but overcompensating with children 🤔

@BeenAroundTheWorldAndIII

Absolutely me. I grew up poor, but we always had enough to eat so I suppose I didn't realise how poor until I was older and listening to a radio ad that said 'x amount of children grow up in poverty and don't have a winter coat', and I thought gosh that's absolutely awful... then I thought about it and thought hang on a minute, I never had a winter coat (or boots, wellies) etc. Our house was freezing, single glazing, no CH, and a condemned fire so we were always cold. I absolutely agonise over anything for myself, if it's essential I will get it, but if I walk past a top I like or something I overthink it and can't often justify the money even though we are very comfortable and I can afford a want or treat (I actually hardly have any clothes cos I can't justify buying them, so I probably do actually need some as more of an essential really). I once spent about 15 minutes in Asda debating with myself if I could justify a £8 vase/plant thing for my bedroom. I actually don't think twice though about buying for my DCs. I like to shop around and get good deals but I find I can easily justify non essential purchases for them (like bouncy castle, or trampoline for the garden etc). I suppose I don't want them going without and they certainly have winter essentials as required.- We have a fair bit in savings but if we have to dip into it I get very uptight and anxious, my husband cannot understand it as most of his friends live month to month and he thinks we are in a good position but I can see myself panicking that if it all goes and an unexpected bill comes in then we would be screwed (we wouldn't we our wages cover bills with sufficient funds left over each month). My sister went the opposite way, she's in masses of debt but it seems she cannot help but spend her last £1 on something and anything!! I doubt i would ever be poor again (obviously I cant say for sure but reliable jobs, insurances etc) but it never leaves you! I thought about taking a small amount of spend each month to a different account, so that when I finish bfing my DS I could go have a bit of a guilt free splurge on new things, could you try do something like that?

Yup, this resonates so so much.

Agonising over things like vases - I'll be stood there thinking "is it perfect?" because if its not absolutely perfect then I can't justify spending money on it. Even if its only £8.

@BeenAroundTheWorldAndIII I think it’s definitely something that gets into your psyche isn’t it. My parents (mum in particular) always sacrificed to make sure the kids had what we needed so it’s I feel like I need to continue that. And I’m definitely in danger of spoiling DD as I’ll buy her anything she wants just because I feel so lucky that I can.

Omg me. I was poor growing up and now have a massive income thanks to my husband. I always feel guilty about buying stuff, he dosent bat an eyelid because he's never had money worries before but even tho we can afford it I still feel really guilty! He never makes me feel like I should feel guilty but ifs just inbuilt

Yep this is me as well OP. The guilt at spending money is something I've had to work hard on. My parents never had much or any money to spare after bills, those early memories shape you and it's hard to shake off.

Like others have suggested I give myself a 'pocket money' allowance each month to spend on non-essentials like a nice cup of coffee at a cafe etc. That helps me to feel more in control, still feel as if I'm budgeting but also means I feel little guilt as I know I that pot of spending money has been accounted for.

And like you, I loathe tat and avoid consumption for the sake of it...that might be driven more from environmental consciousness than financial though.

@WhyOhWhyOhWhyyyy

OP I think you should make a point to go out in the next few days and buy yourself something lovely that you would ordinarily agonise over. It has to be just for you though. And come back and tell us what you got.

I was actually thinking if we all lived close together, us anxious-spenders could have a shopping trip out together and encourage each other to treat ourselves. Or we'd end up cowering at the back of Poundland together deliberating over oven gloves or some stupid shit.

But, yes, I think I should too. I was actually super brave and bought myself some earrings the other day: these in gold and these

But I'll be going back into work soon and could do with some new clothes so I might treat myself to a shopping trip next week and let you know how I get on.

@jb7445

Spend it! Enjoy it! Honestly I get where you're coming from, I grew up on benefits in a traveller family. But now I have a decent job, if my husband and I want to go out for steak we will. If I want new boots I will. Same goes for holidays, clothes, jewellery etc. Honestly just go and get it!

You're totally right. Thing is, I'm absolutely fine spending money on this for both me and DP (going out for a meal for example). I just can't bring myself to buy stuff for me.

@cactijones

Omg me. I was poor growing up and now have a massive income thanks to my husband. I always feel guilty about buying stuff, he dosent bat an eyelid because he's never had money worries before but even tho we can afford it I still feel really guilty! He never makes me feel like I should feel guilty but ifs just inbuilt

Ditto - my DP actually makes me feel guilty for feeling guilty

My DP didn't grow up with money but I think men aren't as socialised into self-denial and self-sacrifice.

@MrsToadlike

Yep this is me as well OP. The guilt at spending money is something I've had to work hard on. My parents never had much or any money to spare after bills, those early memories shape you and it's hard to shake off.

Like others have suggested I give myself a 'pocket money' allowance each month to spend on non-essentials like a nice cup of coffee at a cafe etc. That helps me to feel more in control, still feel as if I'm budgeting but also means I feel little guilt as I know I that pot of spending money has been accounted for.

And like you, I loathe tat and avoid consumption for the sake of it...that might be driven more from environmental consciousness than financial though.

How do you calculate how much 'pocket money' to give yourself? Or did you just pick a random number?

Also, how do you deal with things that are kind of communal but that you have more interest in? For example, DP would be pretty happy to live in a white box but I love having a house filled with trinkets, stuff, photos etc. I feel guilt about buying these things because they're more my interest but they're for our shared home, to make our shared space nice. For this reason, I wouldn't pay for them from my 'pocket money' even though they are more my kind thing. How would you deal with that?

I'm the same and had a similar childhood, although my parents still don't have money.

Currently debating whether to keep or return a pair of shoes and really overthinking it. The post upthread about intentional spending really resonates so will keep that in mind. I also quite like being frugal and hate over consumption so that doesn't help me!

[quote WhyOhWhyOhWhyyyy]@BeenAroundTheWorldAndIII I think it’s definitely something that gets into your psyche isn’t it. My parents (mum in particular) always sacrificed to make sure the kids had what we needed so it’s I feel like I need to continue that. And I’m definitely in danger of spoiling DD as I’ll buy her anything she wants just because I feel so lucky that I can.[/quote]
Yes I do worry our DC will end up spoilt. But that's not my intention. I just want them to have what they need (and what I want them to have 🤦‍♀️🤣).
My parents were the opposite to yours. I feel they didn't sacrifice to help the situation. Although, in their defence I think there probably was a lot of depression and putting their heads in the sand. But they maintained a very healthy social life at the local pub and smoked heavily (which obviously isn't cheap). I've made my peace with there decisions, but I just know I could never ever justify a penny on myself if my children were without something they needed.
I actually have a friend who didn't buy her very young child a winter coat last year (she's not skint but not well off either), but will buy take away etc. She's so weird about buying him stuff as he 'may grow out of them'... well yes, that's what children do... grow! I cannot fathom it! The

Same here OP. Although I have gotten better over the years.
Grew up with parents who were very sensible with money and it paid of massively for them in the long run so it also makes sense to never borrow money, save hard and to ask yourself 'if you want it or need it' (drummed into me as a kid). Like you I can easily spend on others.

I was a young single mum living on £61.24 a week for a few years but am very comfortable now.

I can still only buy what I need - but I am able to buy the more expensive versions of these now. Actually the naughty expensive purchases that I make feel really special.

My pocket money budget is about £100 a month, I budget for most things and have 'pots' of money - I used the MSE website to help me with this. That £100 makes me feel very well spoilt - a nice magazine here, a nice cup of coffee and piece of cake there, etc. But I know some might look at the £100 and think 'how cautious' while for others it might be too much.

It took me a long time to get comfortable with spending that on myself OP.

With regards the types of spend you mentioned, honestly if I wanted a new photo frame or a throw/cushion etc, I'd take it out of my pocket money fund, even if the benefit of it is shared by all in the household. Because in my head it's not an essential item, even though it's also something not just for me. As someone upthread mentioned, the self-sacrificing is drilled into us at an early age I think.

@OnceTheyDid

Same here OP. Although I have gotten better over the years. Grew up with parents who were very sensible with money and it paid of massively for them in the long run so it also makes sense to never borrow money, save hard and to ask yourself 'if you want it or need it' (drummed into me as a kid). Like you I can easily spend on others.

I was a young single mum living on £61.24 a week for a few years but am very comfortable now.

I can still only buy what I need - but I am able to buy the more expensive versions of these now. Actually the naughty expensive purchases that I make feel really special.

I really like the "do you want or need it?" logic. My mum will walk around a shop, see something nice and just get it without thinking if she wants or needs it. I don't want to be like that because its wasteful and you end up with a houseful of tat.

But I'd like to get to a point where I can buy stuff I want or need without endless deliberations.

@MrsToadlike

My pocket money budget is about £100 a month, I budget for most things and have 'pots' of money - I used the MSE website to help me with this. That £100 makes me feel very well spoilt - a nice magazine here, a nice cup of coffee and piece of cake there, etc. But I know some might look at the £100 and think 'how cautious' while for others it might be too much.

It took me a long time to get comfortable with spending that on myself OP.

With regards the types of spend you mentioned, honestly if I wanted a new photo frame or a throw/cushion etc, I'd take it out of my pocket money fund, even if the benefit of it is shared by all in the household. Because in my head it's not an essential item, even though it's also something not just for me. As someone upthread mentioned, the self-sacrificing is drilled into us at an early age I think.

Thank you for sharing that, that's really interesting. Did you arrive at £100 based on incomings/outgoings? Or did you just pluck a figure. I think £100 a month is really sensible.

Another question if you don't mind. Do you set the £100 as a 'must spend'. So if you got to the end of a month and you'd only spent, say £80, would you make an effort to spend the spare £20? My concern is that I'd end up seeing how much of my £100 budget I could save each month

you could try if I don't spend all the £100 I give the balance to charity or to DP to spend or you could carry it over but you can't carry over more than £50 and its added to next month so you have £150 next month not another 100

only you know whether £100 is reasonable or not
if seems like emergency funds pensions and savings are all sorted so
if you have £2000 after housing bills food car transport pets and agreeed savings, pension contributions etc then £100 each for you and DP is next to nothing if you only have £200 left after bills a £100 each is too much

@PestoOnToast I think what I would do in your shoes is allow yourself £100pm. But once it’s allocated for spending then don’t dither about it being okay to do so.

Let’s say you spend £80 this month, it’s fine to save the remainder but save it in your ‘spends’ - so next month you will have £120 and if you then only spend £50 that month you’ll end up with £170 the next month and so on and so forth - that way you won’t just spend for the sake of it, but you’ll also hopefully feel less inclined to hoard it as you’ll already have given yourself permission to spend that money. So you can allow yourself access to however much or little you have in your ‘spends’ in any given month. If for example after 5 or 6 months you find that you’ve got £350 in there and you decide you’d love that pair of boots/coat/cashmere jumper/whatever, you can do so without guilt because you’re not taking it out of your official savings.

@TeacupDrama

you could try if I don't spend all the £100 I give the balance to charity or to DP to spend or you could carry it over but you can't carry over more than £50 and its added to next month so you have £150 next month not another 100

only you know whether £100 is reasonable or not
if seems like emergency funds pensions and savings are all sorted so
if you have £2000 after housing bills food car transport pets and agreeed savings, pension contributions etc then £100 each for you and DP is next to nothing if you only have £200 left after bills a £100 each is too much

DP wouldn't be taking any 'pocket money' because he has no guilt at all about spending what he likes from communal spare money each month.

[quote Ninkanink]@PestoOnToast I think what I would do in your shoes is allow yourself £100pm. But once it’s allocated for spending then don’t dither about it being okay to do so.

Let’s say you spend £80 this month, it’s fine to save the remainder but save it in your ‘spends’ - so next month you will have £120 and if you then only spend £50 that month you’ll end up with £170 the next month and so on and so forth - that way you won’t just spend for the sake of it, but you’ll also hopefully feel less inclined to hoard it as you’ll already have given yourself permission to spend that money. So you can allow yourself access to however much or little you have in your ‘spends’ in any given month. If for example after 5 or 6 months you find that you’ve got £350 in there and you decide you’d love that pair of boots/coat/cashmere jumper/whatever, you can do so without guilt because you’re not taking it out of your official savings.[/quote]
I get you totally. That's what I need to stop - the dithering, the endless research, the back-and-forth, the indecision.

yes time spent researching should be proportionate to cost etc; spending hours dithering over a plant pot and buying a house after some online research and 2 x 30 minute viewings doesn't really add up
I needed new summer sandals I decided to get Birkenstocks not cheap ones but spent about 20-30 minutes checking the best price online then I bought them. I spent a little longer looking for a new mattress and reading reviews not just because of money but comfort but for the photo frames it would be is it the right size? do I like it? will it fit in with decor? is the quality good enough? if yes to all 4 then buy