Shy dd been chosen to sit next to loud, disruptive child. Should I say something?

[life9000]

My dd is at primary school and very shy. Her first day back was yesterday and she had a good day.
One thing she told me was that she has been seated next to a girl who is,in her words, naughty.

My dd has felt intimidated by this girl before as she doesn't listen to the teachers, even after getting warnings or head teacher visit.
She is very disruptive and talks much older than her age.

I have no idea why they would sit these two children together. I'm worried my dd will fall behind in her work now and will be too shy to tell the teacher why. Possibly ending in her getting told off too.

Should I talk to the teacher about this? I know it's only been a day but I'd rather sort it before it's a problem.
Dp thinks I should wait a while and see how things go. He's hoping dd will be able to sort it out herself.

This happened to me in lower secondary but the difference is I was allowed to sit with one of my friends and the disruptive boy. It was ok because there were two of us and one of him. He was a pain but he would have been worse sitting at the back of the class. He had a terrible life and eventually ran away from home and we were interviewed by the police.

It's not babysitting. Why do people always use this phrase?!? The teacher isn't expecting the "good" child to be in charge of the disruptive child or to be held responsible for that child's behaviour. The louder or disruptive children are diluted around the classroom to help make the classroom calmer. Why shouldn't your dc have to sit next to a loud child? Why is it ok for someone else's child to do this but not yours.

My dd (8) often sits next to disruptive kids and as a result it's made her resilient, compassionate, kind, understanding and developed an ability to stand up for herself. It hasn't affected her education at all.

These threads are so depressing.

At primary they don’t sit at the same table all day? So it won’t be for every lesson? Unless that has changed for covid or whatever.

I wonder if the ‘loud’ kid will calm down once they are used to school and the new environment. It might get better very quickly

The last month of DS’s school year was really impacted by him sitting next to a boy in class with very challenging, bullying behaviour - he held it together until the last week by which point he was very stressed and anxious. I contacted the school and was clear I wanted them separated for the coming year. Yes the child needs to sit somewhere, and I have no doubt there are reasons for the other child’s behaviour but my child matters too and has a right to a safe, secure school environment.

Phone and speak with the school today. Don't leave this. As others have pointed out it's either been done to try to bring your DD out of her shell or to try to calm the other student down and to get her to stop messing so much. I seriously suspect the latter here.

Just say that you heard that your DD is now sitting beside X and you don't want her sitting beside X from today. It's still early days in getting used to a new term so it's very plausible that the teacher could move students around. Ask for your DD to be moved.

Does anyone truly think teachers should cluster quiet children together & noisy ones together, who actually thinks this seating strategy would be beneficial to anyone in the classroom?

Social skills are a thing to develop. Embrace the opportunity to support your child to do this.

@lljkk

Does anyone truly think teachers should cluster quiet children together & noisy ones together, who actually thinks this seating strategy would be beneficial to anyone in the classroom?

Social skills are a thing to develop. Embrace the opportunity to support your child to do this.

I agree

It’s understandable why it’s done but I’d be asking that others “take a turn” being that child, rather than it be my dd always having to “suffer” it.

I’d talk to the teacher.
It is quite possible that your Dd is being untilised as a role model.
Not fucking on.

This isn’t the 80’s we know better now.

It is not your dds responsibility to monitor and manage this child’s behaviour.

Obviously - don’t assume this op. Have a chat with the teacher first to understand the situation.

I would get her moved right away, it is not worth your child ending up with mental health issues due to raised stress levels. Making other children responsible for changing the poor behaviour of other kids is utter madness.

Why is it ok for someone else's child to do this but not yours quite- I get the feeling OP is a little precious

They played musical chairs at my DD's primary school and kids were periodically shuffled around so it is likely that this will happen in your DD's school as well.

If I were a teacher and you came in after the first day to request that your DD was moved as there was apparently a naughty child sitting next to your DC, I'd think you were bonkers - and outrageously judgemental.

Perhaps your shy DD needs bringing out of herself and palling up with a loud child might be good for her?

If it becomes apparent after a month or so that the child is bringing your DD down in some way, then yes, get her moved. But until then, I wouldnt say a thing. Your DD has to learn to get on with all types not just your shy, middle class, good girls.

I would see how it goes. She's 8, she should know how she is meant to behave and ignore other children trying to disrupt her.

She could be the good influence on her and change her behaviour.

But if she keeps bothering her, first thing I would do is tell dd to speak to the teacher, then if not improved, I would speak to the teacher.

Tell your dc to focus on their work and they can choose who to play with at playtime. I'd only approach the teacher if something is effecting your dc. They will have to sit next to all sorts of dc over the years.

My (quiet and well behaved) dd was seated next to the lad known as the "naughty kid" one year (though I definitely challenged dd about speaking about him like that). They ended up being good friends and the pairing worked well for them both (dd didn't encourage disruptive behaviour and the other lad set a good example to dd it speaking up more and being a bit more confident). Teachers often know what they are doing.

You know its going to effect your daughter in a detrimental way, I'd be saying something as soon as I was able to. Email or whatever. Its not your daughters job to be the behaviour monitor.

I was the quiet, sensible child who got sat next to a naughty boy who poked, prodded and wound me up. I would tell the teacher and got shushed for being a telltale, and then I got bollocked for turning round and defending myself by walloping him. I got sent out of the classroom. I was 8, I'm 35.

*now and still remember the injustice of it.

My 8yo has a different learning partner every week so that no one child is stuck with the distruptive children all the time. This seems to work.

Should I talk to the teacher about this? I know it's only been a day but I'd rather sort it before it's a problem.
Dp thinks I should wait a while and see how things go. He's hoping dd will be able to sort it out herself.

@life9000 I think your dp is right. It’s important for children to have opportunities to sort out problems with their peers. It’s easy for us parents to step in too soon because we are concerned for our children.

No point overly worrying about problems that may or may not happen. Listen to dd and give her advice on ways to deal with little problems like using her words and saying to the disruptive child: ‘I want to listen to the teacher right now. Could you be quiet? I’m trying to concentrate, you’re disrupting me. Stop I don’t like that.’

If problems escalate and needs you to step in then set up a meeting with the teacher to discuss it.

Thats how seating plans work unfortunately.

How would you do it? Sit all the naughty kids together?

In secondary it's recommended, and in some schools enforced (sacked if you refuse) to sit them boy girl. This would be with the same behaviour pattern. Think that one through.

@oakleaffy

''An incident''? Those sticking up for the ''Naughty'' child ''Who has to sit somewhere'' probably never had to sit next to ''The naughty child'' themselves as children. The sly malevolence , the hair pullings, the jostling, the whisperings.. Some children are best off sitting alone! Nobody to torment.

I used to feel ill going in to school, and even now that girl's name makes me feel ''Eurgh''.
There was a ''Naughty boy'' who equally was put next to a more studious lad, and the studious lad's life was made miserable, too.

That is an incident. Why wasnt it dealt with? If my child told me that was happening i wouldnt let it lie until it was sorted.

Hope today was better at school @life9000

@life9000

Thanks everyone.

Im not happy for my dd to be the one to 'babysit' another child. My dd is very quiet.

Im worried this will cause problems between my dd and other girl if my dd doesn't joke along with her etc.

I'm worried my dd will eventually mimic her behavior to prevent any bullying. She's already told me a few swear words that this girl repeatedly said yesterday. Some of which my dd has never heard before

My dd is just as important as this girl so why should she be trying to 'calm' her at my dd expense!

Your daughter isn't "babysitting".

Your daughter is part of a class which includes lots of children, which is like a microcosm of our society.

Sometimes, out in the world, there are people we don't get on with, or people who annoy us, or wind us up, and school is about a lot more than learning to read.

This might actually help your daughter in some ways. She could learn resilience and strength, how to speak up for herself if/ when she does struggle, and also you never know, she might end up actually getting on with the girl.

So, you really shouldn't do anything right now. Just keep an eye and see how the situation goes. I think your daughter should be encouraged to stick with it and to see what happens before you jump in and say "this child is not good enough to be sat next to my DD" - that is not a very nice behaviour to model to the next generation of our society.

I would wait and see if the child has matured. If your dd complains to you, I would speak to the teacher. If she complains again, I would request a meeting with the teacher.

Good girls frequently get used as buffers and behavior monitors for disruptive students. It just causes them stress and interferes with their education. When it happens, you have to advocate for your child .

We actually had to have it put into my child’s formal disability accommodations that she is not allowed to be paired with these students because it was causing her so much stress. As a high performing ASD girl she was a teacher’s dream student to try to control and even teach difficult students, but that wasn’t my DD’s job.

@onelittlefrog that is not a very nice behaviour to model to the next generation of our society
Who's behaviour are you referring to here? The dd who is being uncomfortable/upset or the behaviour of the person making her feel like that? Why is there so much emphasis on the put up with/accept the disruptive behaviour rather than that behaviour shouldn't be continuing?

personally i don't see this as a helpful life experience. not educationally and not long term as a woman. will she learn to put up with bad behavior from a boyfriend? will she learn to put up with abuse at work (that low lying soul destroying stuff)? will she go on to think she can help an addicted friend yet only be enabling?
women accepting their "place" starts somewhere and for me it starts right there in a classroom putting up with shit seating partners.
disruptive students need help and that help should come from trained staff not another student.