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Original poster

Shy dd been chosen to sit next to loud, disruptive child. Should I say something?

108 replies

life9000 · 07/09/2021 07:01

My dd is at primary school and very shy. Her first day back was yesterday and she had a good day.
One thing she told me was that she has been seated next to a girl who is,in her words, naughty.

My dd has felt intimidated by this girl before as she doesn't listen to the teachers, even after getting warnings or head teacher visit.
She is very disruptive and talks much older than her age.

I have no idea why they would sit these two children together. I'm worried my dd will fall behind in her work now and will be too shy to tell the teacher why. Possibly ending in her getting told off too.

Should I talk to the teacher about this? I know it's only been a day but I'd rather sort it before it's a problem.
Dp thinks I should wait a while and see how things go. He's hoping dd will be able to sort it out herself.

OP posts:
Skyeheather · 07/09/2021 07:36

This happened to me at school, multiple times throughout my school life. It was done on purpose - to try and "bring me out of my shell" and to calm down the disruptive one. It did nothing for me or the other child. I'm still angry about it now, being taken away from my friends because the school couldn't accept me for who I am/let me be myself.

Original poster
life9000 · 07/09/2021 07:37

Thanks everyone.

Im not happy for my dd to be the one to 'babysit' another child. My dd is very quiet.

Im worried this will cause problems between my dd and other girl if my dd doesn't joke along with her etc.

I'm worried my dd will eventually mimic her behavior to prevent any bullying. She's already told me a few swear words that this girl repeatedly said yesterday. Some of which my dd has never heard before Confused

My dd is just as important as this girl so why should she be trying to 'calm' her at my dd expense!

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 07/09/2021 07:39

Precisely @skyeheather why is it such a negative thing to be a quiet personality?

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OnlyFoolsnMothers · 07/09/2021 07:39

How old is your daughter op?

Tbh if a kid is that awful she could disrupt your child from another table

Original poster
life9000 · 07/09/2021 07:42

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

How old is your daughter op?

Tbh if a kid is that awful she could disrupt your child from another table

Dd is 8. Yes that's true, but dd is now front row to her behavior. She is the one getting whispered to and being nudged when the teacher is talking.
OP posts:
ittakes2 · 07/09/2021 07:43

I have shy children who were constantly sat next to disruptive boys through out primary. It affected my daughter so much she refused to go to a co-ed grammar school 10mins from our house and instead chose to travel on a bus to a grammar school 30mins away.
My son was often put next to boys who were quite physically distruptive and would often throw things in the air - a compass landed on his head once.
Teachers have to put distruptive children next to someone and of course they choose someone who they think will be a good influence. So its a compliant to your daughter.
BUT my advice to you is to write as soon as you have a reason to ask for her to be moved. ie she's getting stressed because this child does X or she was hurt because this child did X and I am worried it will happen again.
For those saying the teacher will pick up if the distruptive child is upsetting the shy child - sorry but bollocks to that. The teachers have too much to do to be that sensitive to any children unless that child has become distruptive themselves and thats unlikely with a shy child.
The teachers at our school used to assign (without my knowledge or permission) my son aged 6/7 to look after another child with ADHD during break and lunch to make sure he did not hurt other children. And when I discovered this because my son was upset at home each night I asked the school and they changed it so 4 other 6/7 year olds were assigned to this child and therefore my son only had to do 1 day of duty rather than 5. Its not like teachers were on hand to watch or help - my son broke his arm while playing and the other children had to help him get to a teacher who was no where to be seen and didn't even hear him crying.

Original poster
life9000 · 07/09/2021 07:43

@Skyeheather

This happened to me at school, multiple times throughout my school life. It was done on purpose - to try and "bring me out of my shell" and to calm down the disruptive one. It did nothing for me or the other child. I'm still angry about it now, being taken away from my friends because the school couldn't accept me for who I am/let me be myself.
Couldn't agree more.
OP posts:
fallfallfall · 07/09/2021 07:43

Zero tolerance at this point, call and sort this today.

Mermaidpool · 07/09/2021 07:48

Ds was sat next to the naughty child, he began to pretend to be Ill to try and get out of school. After a week we finally got to the bottom of it and asked for him to be moved, no more problems. I would give it a week and see how dd feels then, the child may improve but if they don't it not dds problem it for the teacher to deal with

jillandhersprite · 07/09/2021 07:52

Ok 8 is same age as my daughter who is also the 'good shy' kid and it happened last year.
I would give it more than a couple of days but keep on top of what is happening each day. I absolutely would mention something if the teacher doesn't notice it causing problems. In our case I talked to DD to tell teacher herself that she was struggling to concentrate with the constant chatter from the other kid and she was moved without me needing to intervene.
Even though my kid is quiet she also needs to learn skills like she has to stand up for herself and that the teacher is a trusted allie to talk to about problems - not just mummy.
I would also have the chat about unacceptable words now. They are going to learn so many swear words from their peera whether they are sat next to them or not - they need to know that they exist, are very bad to use and shouldn't be repeated. Because of going to a Catholic school mine are also starting to learn that there are shades of grey and I am constantly being told of by them for saying oh my god and they are actually teaching me to modify it to oh my gosh!!!

SoupDragon · 07/09/2021 07:53

I think you need to give it a week to see if there is a genuine problem.

Someone does have to sit next to the disruptive children so it is a little unfair to go in after one day and insist another child has to do it - none of them are "paid babysitters"

Fluffypinkt · 07/09/2021 07:53

My DD has been sat like this all the way through her primary school she’s in year 5 now and the same happens every year. DD always gets a glowing school report. Always had performs above school expectations academically and attitude wise. And yet every single year she’s sat next to a naughty disruptive child. It must be a wider policy for schools but it seems incredibly unfair on the children that are there to learn.
DD is used to it now but I don’t see why she should have too.

Fluffypinkt · 07/09/2021 07:55

However, let it be reassuring that despite this DD is still thriving at school regardless of who she is sat next too.

Puffinhead · 07/09/2021 07:55

My DD had this as a bright, sensible well behaved child at primary school (juniors) and she hated it. He disrupted her work and she couldn’t concentrate. I would give it a few weeks and see how it goes.

oakleaffy · 07/09/2021 07:56

Awful! Why do teachers still do this?
I too was put next to the class ''Naughty girl'' and I loathed it.

All it meant was it made me wretched, and had no ameliorating effect on the 'Naughty' one.
Your DD has my sympathies , @life9000

DancesWithTortoises · 07/09/2021 07:57

The disruptive child has to sit somewhere, OP. At the moment it's by your DD.

She may well be moved around from time to time and it will be someone else's turn. You have nothing to complain about, really, until she actually does something.

Redhotchllisteppa · 07/09/2021 07:58

This used to happen to my dd. I used to wait until there was something specific and then speak to the teacher, often it was fine. Kids can and do change and it may not be an issue. If you go to the teacher without anything concrete then you are basically saying my child is better than this child and is too good to sit with them, which is a horrible attitude to have. Obviously if there is an incident then that is different and should be dealt with immediately.

StarshipsAreMeantToFly · 07/09/2021 08:01

@Redhotchllisteppa

This used to happen to my dd. I used to wait until there was something specific and then speak to the teacher, often it was fine. Kids can and do change and it may not be an issue. If you go to the teacher without anything concrete then you are basically saying my child is better than this child and is too good to sit with them, which is a horrible attitude to have. Obviously if there is an incident then that is different and should be dealt with immediately.
This sounds like the best thing to do to me.
BobbinThreadbare123 · 07/09/2021 08:01

This used to happen to me at primary school. Eventually I told my mum and she came in with me one morning and had a word with the teacher. I moved seat that day. I taught for a few years and I tried my hardest to avoid doing it, because it's so unfair on the good, quiet, studious, pleasant kids! Please say something to your lass' teacher, OP.

NailsNeedDoing · 07/09/2021 08:03

Your DH is right, wait and see.

You say your dd is very quiet, and that in itself can mean that sometimes she is probably hard work for the child sitting next to her when they have to share ideas and work together. That’s why more confident children can often be placed with quiter children, it’s for the benefit of both of them.

If they don’t work well together the teacher will change their partners next time they have a shuffle. You can’t send your child to state school and then expect to start dictating how the teacher does their job.

It is weird that you assume that just because another child is louder then your own and sometimes needs to be pulled up that your dd is going to end up as her babysitter as if your dd is perfect and the other child has nothing to offer her class.

ThePlantsitter · 07/09/2021 08:06

My DD was sat next to a girl who found it difficult to behave/concentrate in class in Y1 and was worried about this too but we left it a bit and it turned out well, because the 'naughty' girl stayed out of the playground girl politics and was a useful ally when it all got a bit much for DD

oakleaffy · 07/09/2021 08:08

''An incident''?
Those sticking up for the ''Naughty'' child ''Who has to sit somewhere'' probably never had to sit next to ''The naughty child'' themselves as children.
The sly malevolence , the hair pullings, the jostling, the whisperings..
Some children are best off sitting alone!
Nobody to torment.

I used to feel ill going in to school, and even now that girl's name makes me feel ''Eurgh''.
There was a ''Naughty boy'' who equally was put next to a more studious lad, and the studious lad's life was made miserable, too.

CyclingIsNotOuting · 07/09/2021 08:10

This also happened to my DC in infants and agree it’s some sort of ‘tactic’.
As they were so young mine just used to tell the teacher every time the child did anything they weren’t supposed to. I think it got really annoying for the teacher and they moved her without my prompting!
At age 8 though I’d be worry about bullying if your child did this.

I don’t see the harm in discussing it with the teacher now. Could you approach it following the swear word incident? I think if it becomes clear you are going to complain every time something happens they will move your DC. Sometimes being a PITA is the way to get action.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 07/09/2021 08:14

Which school year are we talking about?
KS1: Yes, speak to the teacher and ask her to keep an eye on things and agree to discuss again in a couple of weeks. Plus tell DD to let you know if she has a problem.
KS2: Time to encourage DD to start advocating for herself. She needs to tell the teacher if there is a problem. "Miss X, I'm finding it hard to concentrate because Child A has been doing [whatever it is]."
But most primary schools don't have pupils sitting in serried ranks. Usually they'd be on a table with others.

FatAnkles · 07/09/2021 08:14

This used to happen to me (80s/90s) and it didn't benefit either the disruptive child or me. I wanted to concentrate and do my best whilst the other kid wanted to talk about random stuff, ask me for the answers, not listen to the teacher, then ask what the task was, and I'd have to say SHUT UP which caught the teacher's attention and we'd both get in trouble.

It has also happened to DD all through Primary and Secondary. She's doing ok at school, but I wonder how much better her results would be without the unecessary distraction.

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