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Original poster

I cannot keep my house clean

118 replies

baybaybays · 06/09/2021 21:34

I'm depressed, chronically ill and feel like a lazy failure. I cannot keep my house tidy, it's always a fucking mess. I'll get it to an acceptable point where I'm happy with it and can relax and in less than a week it's messy again.

I don't have a dishwasher so washing up piles up, there's always stuff on the floor everywhere, I don't know how or why I can't do it. I'm tired all the time and can't find the motivation to do it.

It's nothing meg too terrible but I can't live like this. I can't relax. It's not fair on my son. A cleaner would help a little but that won't help the messiness. My son has also spilled things on my carpet that I can't get up.

I try to clean/tidy as I go along but it just doesn't happen. I try to dedicate time to it but it doesn't work. I'm embarrassed.

Does anyone have any advice please? I'm desperate?

OP posts:
Piggy42 · 06/09/2021 21:35

Waiting for helpful advice. I also find it difficult and im not chronically ill. Try to be kind to yourself but hope you get some useful advice soon.

DollyPartBaked · 06/09/2021 21:35

There's a thread on here about 'the organised mum method' that might help - it's basically doing one room a day!

PumpkinKlNG · 06/09/2021 21:36

Ask for an early help assessment?

HermioneGrunger · 06/09/2021 21:36

Can you afford a cleaner an hour Or two a week? They can be a game changer.

Original poster
baybaybays · 06/09/2021 21:38

@PumpkinKlNG

Ask for an early help assessment?
What is this? I'm reluctant to get outside help as I'm a single parent and don't want to come across as incompetent
OP posts:
Ozberry · 06/09/2021 21:38

How old is your son? Can he pitch in?

Original poster
baybaybays · 06/09/2021 21:38

@HermioneGrunger

Can you afford a cleaner an hour Or two a week? They can be a game changer.
I probably could but I feel like I'd get stressed having to tidy before they arrived?
OP posts:
Original poster
baybaybays · 06/09/2021 21:38

@Ozberry

How old is your son? Can he pitch in?
He's only 2 so unfortunately not
OP posts:
SpringIsSprung1 · 06/09/2021 21:38

Organised mum method is for those who have the energy. I feel for you OP. Same here. Disability and depression.Flowers

PumpkinKlNG · 06/09/2021 21:39

It’s through ss from personal experience I know they can help with stuff like this

Dizzywizz · 06/09/2021 21:39

We found a cleaner helped because we HAD to be tidier - she couldn’t clean if it was messy! So it forced us to keep it tidier generally and then have a blitze last minute tidy the morning of the day she came.

Invasionofthegutsnatchers · 06/09/2021 21:42

Can you do 3 things a day?

Wash up, hoover, change a bed one day.

Load of washing, take bins out, clean bathroom another day

Just choose 3 jobs that need doing most and do them in the advert breaks if you're watching TV. Space them through the day so it's not overwhelming.

PickAChew · 06/09/2021 21:43

Agree about asking for help.

Unfortunately, if it's just you doing it, you can't relax too much. Prioritise the important bits - food preparation area, place to attend to personal hygiene, pleasant place to sleep, safe space for your son to hang out/play. Keep on top of them and bung laundry in, whenever you have a load made up. Anything else is a bonus.

Original poster
baybaybays · 06/09/2021 21:43

@Invasionofthegutsnatchers

Can you do 3 things a day?

Wash up, hoover, change a bed one day.

Load of washing, take bins out, clean bathroom another day

Just choose 3 jobs that need doing most and do them in the advert breaks if you're watching TV. Space them through the day so it's not overwhelming.

Thank you. I will try, I just feel like I'm destined to live in a grim house
OP posts:
THATmamaofMANY · 06/09/2021 21:46

If the organised mum method isn't right for you op we also have a fly lady thread over in house keeping, a lot of the regulars on there have different sen / disabilities etc going on with their families

CeceJoyce · 06/09/2021 21:52

I have adhd and have always struggled to find the energy and willpower. My organisation skills were non existent. I now do the organised mum method. I had to do a sort of messy house boot camp for a week so I was starting fresh and now each day I have my jobs to do. They don’t take long and I do them without thinking now, for instance I know tuesdays is wash bedding day and I instinctively strip the beds.
I have had to find things that work for me and it was trial and error. I have a timer on my washing machine so every evening I load it to go off around 6 am so I unload it when I get up. Dishes have to be done before bed. It’s like any new routine you have to keep trying until you get in the flow. If you really want your house to look good once you get started then you might find a push to keep up with it when you see how nice it looks… good luck! 🍀

wetpebbles · 06/09/2021 21:53

I find headphones with some upbeat songs helps get me motivated to tidy, or set a timer for 5-10 mins a few times a day so you work faster in a shorter amount of time, hth

wetpebbles · 06/09/2021 21:55

And I used grabber/litter picker to clean up the floor when my back was bad

ThePotatoCroquette · 06/09/2021 22:10

With housework what can happen is we put it off and then eventually we use guilt and shame and fear as our motivation to blitz it all. Then we collapse, exhausted, after doing the awful horrible task of blitzing it all and think "I'm glad that's over for a while". Which is just the starting point to start putting it off all over again. We get no joy from the messy environment, and our joy from having cleaned up is only in the temporary relief.

So how to break that vicious cycle? Stop putting it off and also stop blitzing. Try to break down the association with housework and exhaustion by only ever doing a little bit and always stopping before you are too tired. If that means all you manage is dusting one shelf or putting some laundry in the hamper, so be it. It's better than doing nothing, and you are rewriting your brain to stop associating housework with the horror of blitz mode. You also won't be procrastinating anymore. You won't be putting it off. You will be making steps in the right direction, however small. And hopefully that will release you from feeling stuck and overwhelmed. Take before and after photos and watch your environment improve slowly. Don't expect it to be fixed quickly, just keep moving in the right direction no matter how slowly. As for the shame, guilt and fear? These are useless emotions which are not serving you. You feel ashamed of the mess so you don't clean, right? Well instead try thinking that it's just mess, it's not some kind of personal or moral failing it's just mess. And it happens. With little kids and depression health issues it can easily happen to anyone. What about guilt. Does feeling guilty about your child having a messy home make you clean it more? No. You just feel upset and more depressed. You don't need to feel guilty. Because it's not shameful, as per point one, it's just mess. Stains can be shampooed out of a carpet, toys can be picked up, laundry can be washed. Maybe not all at once, but you will get to it in the end. As for fear, fear can make us catastrophise. It can make mountains of molehills, but believe me those mess mountains can be made back into mole hills in no time just by chipping away a little bit at a time.

Stop hating your home and/or yourself for not keeping your home a certain way. Try to look at it from a place of gratitude instead. It may not be a perfect house, but you have a home. It may not be a tidy house, but it's warm. It may not have the cleanest carpet, but there's always food to eat. You may be messy, but you're a great mum in loads of other ways.

We all have areas of our lives which do not come naturally to us and which we have to work on. Don't let your feelings of self esteem and self worth be based around an area your weaker in. What are your strengths? A great way to motivate yourself housework wise is to sandwich is between tasks you feel most able and accomplished in. Do something that makes you happy or something you're really good at before housework, and then something equally rewarding afterwards.

Pinkandpurplehairedlady · 06/09/2021 22:13

I struggle with this too. I set a timer on my phone for my 15mins at a time and try to get as much done as I can in one room. Then I’ll sit down and have a cuppa and maybe later in the day I’ll do another 15mins. If I only manage one 15min burst a day it’s ok because at least I’ve achieved something that day.

Whichcatthatcat · 06/09/2021 22:21

I got like this a while ago. Do you have friends or family that can help?
My DPs came over, DF took the DC out for the day and DM and I blitzed the house.
It was much easier with her to support.me.

Then I got a cleaner 2 hours a week to help keep on top of it.
It's much easier now, I just have to do the washing up each day and a few loads of washing at the weekend.

ittakes2 · 06/09/2021 22:21

I think you need to be a lot kinder to yourself.
And yes if you can afford it absolutely get a cleaner. Some cleaners will only clean but others are happy to tidy and clean. Mine is happy to do whatever including helping me sort my shopping returns or peeling some potatoes for dinner - she does these things in the time agreed of course.

mayblossominapril · 06/09/2021 22:27

If you’ve got the space and money get a dishwasher. I hate washing up and will ignore it for as long as possible the dishwasher sorts that problem. I don’t mind loading and unloading.
Get a cleaner who will help with the tidying.
A robot vacuum cleaner as you can just set it going and leave the room, mine has a spot clean function for crumbs.

Payproblems · 06/09/2021 22:27

Op I'm not a natural cleaner at all. I've never Never been one of to worry about ultra white sleeves, on school shirts or shoes off or scrubbing the hob clean.

I have to force myself to do it.. Have everything I need when I tackle various areas that build up!

Eg a chair that's loaded with clothes and has stuff underneath, I'll go armed with a rubbish bag, set a timer for 7 mins and talk to myself to start.

I force myself to do little bits. For ironing I've got the haku real housewives and I iron whilst watching that, it's my ultimate guilty pleasure.

I can never seem to have the whole house looking nice at the same time.
I brought lots of storage stuff from IKEA which has helped.

My ultimate motivation is trying to keep it ok for the children. It's not fair on the them I wish I could be tidier but it could be so much worse..

Payproblems · 06/09/2021 22:28

Pink, we have the save stragety!!