I cannot keep my house clean

[baybaybays]

I'm depressed, chronically ill and feel like a lazy failure. I cannot keep my house tidy, it's always a fucking mess. I'll get it to an acceptable point where I'm happy with it and can relax and in less than a week it's messy again.

I don't have a dishwasher so washing up piles up, there's always stuff on the floor everywhere, I don't know how or why I can't do it. I'm tired all the time and can't find the motivation to do it.

It's nothing meg too terrible but I can't live like this. I can't relax. It's not fair on my son. A cleaner would help a little but that won't help the messiness. My son has also spilled things on my carpet that I can't get up.

I try to clean/tidy as I go along but it just doesn't happen. I try to dedicate time to it but it doesn't work. I'm embarrassed.

Does anyone have any advice please? I'm desperate?

I hate cleaning.
I invite a friend (or friends) round every couple of weeks so that I am forced to tidy and clean properly before they arrive.

Before visitors is the only time I clean properly. Too much time daily is taken up with all the little bitty things like laundry, clearing dishes, putting toys away, clearing spills etc etc it is exhausting and never stays neat for long.

Could you afford a cleaner

RE the lack of dishwasher, if you rent/don't have space you can buy a countertop dishwasher. It's like the size of a really big microwave and you can connect it to your tap like a hose, and just put the drainage pipe into your sink, so it just sits on the counter and doesn't need to be plumbed in. You can just connect it to your tap when you want to use it. It's been amazing for me as my kitchen was always a mess, I just load it once a day and my kitchen is so much better now. Not too expensive either. Worth a look, anything to make it all a bit easier.

Also I think it's worth investing in cleaning things that are just quick and simple to use, like a small cordless vacuum or a mop with a spray bottle and removable microfiber head you can just pop in the washing machine. Makes it so much easier to literally just clean for a few minutes and be done with it

I think you need a mindset change and you definitely need to stop blitzing. Keeping it tidy means doing a bit every day so that it doesn't build up. When you let it build up and then blitz, it's so so tiring and then you put it off and put it off until you need to blitz again.
Just try and work little tidy ups into your routine and don't overwhelm yourself - I do a very quick bathroom clean while my toddler is in the bath - this works so well for keeping it consistently clean. Don't turn everything into a mammoth task - just start with 15 mins a day and it will start to feel more tidy. It's very hard not to go into blitz mode though, so you do have to limit yourself so you don't start to resent the cleaning!
This comes from someone who grew up in a cluttered house where blitzing was the norm lol. It's definitely a mindset change! And accepting that cleaning is pretty much required most days to keep on top of it, rather than blitzing and then thinking that's done for two weeks.

Start with a basket and just throw everything on it
Once you get some clean space it helps !
I got this advice from tik tok
There are lots of videos on there of cleaning advice for people with depression. Xx

@ThePotatoCroquette this is fantastic advice

Stains can be shampooed out of a carpet, toys can be picked up, laundry can be washed. Maybe not all at once, but you will get to it in the end. As for fear, fear can make us catastrophise. It can make mountains of molehills, but believe me those mess mountains can be made back into mole hills in no time just by chipping away a little bit at a time.

So true.

@ThePotatoCroquette

With housework what can happen is we put it off and then eventually we use guilt and shame and fear as our motivation to blitz it all. Then we collapse, exhausted, after doing the awful horrible task of blitzing it all and think "I'm glad that's over for a while". Which is just the starting point to start putting it off all over again. We get no joy from the messy environment, and our joy from having cleaned up is only in the temporary relief.

So how to break that vicious cycle? Stop putting it off and also stop blitzing. Try to break down the association with housework and exhaustion by only ever doing a little bit and always stopping before you are too tired. If that means all you manage is dusting one shelf or putting some laundry in the hamper, so be it. It's better than doing nothing, and you are rewriting your brain to stop associating housework with the horror of blitz mode. You also won't be procrastinating anymore. You won't be putting it off. You will be making steps in the right direction, however small. And hopefully that will release you from feeling stuck and overwhelmed. Take before and after photos and watch your environment improve slowly. Don't expect it to be fixed quickly, just keep moving in the right direction no matter how slowly. As for the shame, guilt and fear? These are useless emotions which are not serving you. You feel ashamed of the mess so you don't clean, right? Well instead try thinking that it's just mess, it's not some kind of personal or moral failing it's just mess. And it happens. With little kids and depression health issues it can easily happen to anyone. What about guilt. Does feeling guilty about your child having a messy home make you clean it more? No. You just feel upset and more depressed. You don't need to feel guilty. Because it's not shameful, as per point one, it's just mess. Stains can be shampooed out of a carpet, toys can be picked up, laundry can be washed. Maybe not all at once, but you will get to it in the end. As for fear, fear can make us catastrophise. It can make mountains of molehills, but believe me those mess mountains can be made back into mole hills in no time just by chipping away a little bit at a time.

Stop hating your home and/or yourself for not keeping your home a certain way. Try to look at it from a place of gratitude instead. It may not be a perfect house, but you have a home. It may not be a tidy house, but it's warm. It may not have the cleanest carpet, but there's always food to eat. You may be messy, but you're a great mum in loads of other ways.

We all have areas of our lives which do not come naturally to us and which we have to work on. Don't let your feelings of self esteem and self worth be based around an area your weaker in. What are your strengths? A great way to motivate yourself housework wise is to sandwich is between tasks you feel most able and accomplished in. Do something that makes you happy or something you're really good at before housework, and then something equally rewarding afterwards.

What an utterly wonderful, kind-hearted and helpful post. Thank you for this @ThePotatoCroquette!

I'm a 'potterer' when it comes to cleaning/tidying. If I see it I do it automatically, so if I see a cup someone has left in the lounge I take it to the dishwasher.
If I'm going to the loo upstairs and notice the window ledge on the landing needs wiping down I do it there and then.
None of these things take a lot of effort but they make a difference over all.
Obviously you need to get things sorted first for this to make a difference to your life. Can you afford a one off deep clean? Speak to the companies you get quotes from, many will be happy to tidy if they know in advance and it is included in the price.
Once it has been cleaned to a level you are happy with then you need to keep on top of it. My suggestions would be cleaner twice a week (if finances allow) ask them to do the big jobs (hoovering, mopping, bathroom, deep clean kitchen).
Stop the blitzing! By definition, if you need to blitz it has already gone too far. You need to try and change your mindset. As I said before, if you notice it deal with it there and then. It makes a huge difference for minimal effort from you.
Try and have a routine, for example we strip and change beds every Sunday (always have, don't know why!) I hoover and mop every morning before work (not possible for you I understand but just an example of routine). Clear/clean up after breakfast, lunch and tea...don't leave it to gather until the next meal. After a while of keeping to a routine it becomes automatic so less mental effort for you.
Finally, and I am not trying to upset you so please take this with the kindness I intend. Think about your child and the conditions you want him to grow up in, it doesn't have to be sterile or perfect but no one enjoys growing up in a dirty home. Take it from me, it can affect you well into adulthood (yes I was the dirty/smelly kid at school ) and I made a conscious decision that my kids would never have to put up with that.
I wish you the very best of luck

When it becomes a huge job in your mind it's hard to find the motivation to tackle it because it feels overwhelming, you need to break it down into smaller, more manageable chunks rather than looking at it as a whole job. Why not try setting a timer for 10 minutes and pick one room to blitz, stop when the timer is up and give yourself a little reward. You won't sort the whole room in that time but it will be a start. Good luck.

Could you find a second hand dishwasher?

@Caneloalvarez

I think you need a mindset change and you definitely need to stop blitzing. Keeping it tidy means doing a bit every day so that it doesn't build up. When you let it build up and then blitz, it's so so tiring and then you put it off and put it off until you need to blitz again. Just try and work little tidy ups into your routine and don't overwhelm yourself - I do a very quick bathroom clean while my toddler is in the bath - this works so well for keeping it consistently clean. Don't turn everything into a mammoth task - just start with 15 mins a day and it will start to feel more tidy. It's very hard not to go into blitz mode though, so you do have to limit yourself so you don't start to resent the cleaning! This comes from someone who grew up in a cluttered house where blitzing was the norm lol. It's definitely a mindset change! And accepting that cleaning is pretty much required most days to keep on top of it, rather than blitzing and then thinking that's done for two weeks.

I was going to post pretty much this.

Clean every single day, as you do stuff. If your child is having a bath you can chat to them and clean the sink / toilet whilst they’re in there. Every time you eat everything gets washed up and put away afterwards etc. Put washing on whilst you’re cooking dinner, sort washing whilst waiting for things to cook etc.

I never really do a “big clean” as I do stuff all the time, constantly.

Mm Post of the Year to @ThePotatoCroquette

*MN!

@baybaybays

I'm depressed, chronically ill and feel like a lazy failure. I cannot keep my house tidy, it's always a fucking mess. I'll get it to an acceptable point where I'm happy with it and can relax and in less than a week it's messy again.

I don't have a dishwasher so washing up piles up, there's always stuff on the floor everywhere, I don't know how or why I can't do it. I'm tired all the time and can't find the motivation to do it.

It's nothing meg too terrible but I can't live like this. I can't relax. It's not fair on my son. A cleaner would help a little but that won't help the messiness. My son has also spilled things on my carpet that I can't get up.

I try to clean/tidy as I go along but it just doesn't happen. I try to dedicate time to it but it doesn't work. I'm embarrassed.

Does anyone have any advice please? I'm desperate?

I

Get rid of as much stuff as possible, do little and often and definitely get a cleaner. I had one for many years, she only came for two hours a week but it was the best money I ever spent. She retired and I just didnt replace her.

Little and often is what you need to do.

Every now and then I go round my house with a binbag...I pick up general detritus! Broken pencils, Random pieces of paper my kids have drawn on, anything broken, old magazines etc.

My dad gave me a tip when I was a kid and tidying my room and didn't know where to start. Pick up whatever item is nearest your feet and deal with it.

Keep wipes everywhere to clean stuff quickly

The biggest change for me was ‘don’t put it down put it away’ and following the organised mum method. But the biggest change was my mind set, that I can’t with 2 children and 2 dogs have a pristine home once I let go of my ideal I’m a lot happier, plus knowing that housework is never ending, you can’t do it once it has to be done every day. I find as long as my kitchen is kept the tidiest that helps my mood for the rest of the day.

But you do need to be kinder to yourself, with depression and chronic illness it’s going to be difficult x

For me it's all about routines - manageable routines that is! So dishes is a daily job, either after breakfast or after dinner once a day you wash up completely and wipe down all the bench tops. Twice a day if you're awesome but I'm not, so once will have to do.

Tidying up is a daily job - pick up anything (especially off the floor) that isn't where it belongs and put it where it goes. A place for everything and everything in its place. Do this whenever you have the most energy.

Weekly jobs are: cleaning bathrooms, vacuuming, changing sheets, and these are all assigned to a day of the week.

Laundry - I put on a load first thing in the morning most days but if you don't have a large family that might be a weekly or twice weekly job.

I listen to podcasts or music or the radio while I do it too to reduce the tedium.

Good luck OP, you can do it

There's no point getting a cleaner if the house is that untidy.

OP, I can highly recommend Fly Lady. Her system is great for people with depression.

Take a look at A Slob Comes Clean and see if it resonates for you. It’s very realistic and the woman who writes it is incredibly understanding and honest about struggles.
I often listen to her podcasts when I need to motivate myself to clean.

Her method starts by just doing your dishes everyday for two weeks.

And I forgot to mention that decluttering helps a lot too, the more stuff you have the more you need to tidy every day. I did a massive declutter a few years ago and no-one misses anything I got rid of, just comments on how calm and tidy the rooms are now!

I’m not a single parent and I’m not chronically ill, but I do have ppa, a baby, a dog and a husband who during the week just eats and sleeps here because he works so hard. My situation is easier than yours is what I’m saying and I have a cleaner come once a week, there’s no shame in it and if you can afford it then it really does help so much. Be kind to yourself, chronic illness is so hard (I was sick for years) and some of us including myself also struggle as we are not naturally organised people and never learnt to be tidy/have a system.

My theory is if you have a tidy sink and always wash up (as you go) or load the dishwasher and put away it spreads to the rest of the kitchen and once you're used to keeping your kitchen tidy it doesn't seem like an effort and then you can do the same in the bathroom.

So for one week ,keep the sink clear and tidy and shiny and you'll get pride from that and it'll become a habit. Then choose another area to concentrate on for a week.

@ThePotatoCroquette what a fab post .Thank you