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Original poster

Advice please. I hate the way my DH parents our son

82 replies

Hogu · 05/09/2021 19:33

DS is 2.5 years old. Full of life and inquisitive bright little thing. I'm a sahm, I take him to various toddler groups and we go on walks everyday, I like to 'gentle parent' as much as I can and let him explore as much as he can safely.

My DH is the opposite, he insists our son is 'naughty' as he won't do as he's told, constantly says he's not learning anything as I'm too soft on ds and don't shout at him. I've tried to tell DH that ds is only 2.5 yrs old and his behaviour is totally normal for his age, he wants to do everything and is interested in absolutely everything!

DH works full time but when he does see ds( which is only for an hour in the morning and at weekends) he's mainly on his phone then gets cross with ds as he's bored and wants attention.
Im so so sick of trying to diffuse Dhs annoyance at our son and feel like im constantly sticking up for our son to save him getting shouted at.

What can I do? I feel miserable when DH is home at the moment.

OP posts:

legoriakelne · 05/09/2021 19:39

I'm not sure I'd class constantly shouting at a two year old as parenting.

SloopB · 05/09/2021 19:40

You need to agree house rules. Constantly shouting is no good but neither is undermining your partner. A parenting class you take together could be great align expectations and put together a plan. It might really help if someone who is an expert tells him shouting doesn't really work. It's the not the efficient way.

Also what about a Saturday morning toddler football or ruby class like little kickers or rugby tots? It would give them a chance to do something together and for your husband to see his son with age appropriate peers.

Acryforhelp · 05/09/2021 19:41

Leave.
I wish I had before DH’s attitude had affected our DS.
By 8/9 DS could do nothing right, or so it seemed, constantly told off/shouted at. Then as a teen DS soon learned this shouty angry behaviour so the battles really started.
Your DH isn’t going to change and you will spend your life trying to diffuse DHs shouting.

Give me a child until he is 7 and I will show you the man

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girlmom21 · 05/09/2021 19:44

I wouldn't allow my child to be subject to to constant shouting.

Why not suggest you both go on a parenting course as your approaches are so different, then you can assess what you learnt on the course and build a parenting style that suits you both?

UserAtLargeAgain · 05/09/2021 19:49

Is it really constant shouting or just he sometimes raises his voice? Big difference.

My experience of some people who believe in "gentle parenting" is that this is synonymous to letting their children run wild and do what they want, so it may well be that your DH has a point.
The parenting class idea is a good one.

topcat2014 · 05/09/2021 19:50

You will need to tell your child off at some point. Children do need boundaries.

Having said that Dh sounds crap

Ibizan · 05/09/2021 19:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Hogu · 05/09/2021 20:04

@Acryforhelp I'd like him to leave most weeks!
But then what scares me is that if we split up then we he had DS I wouldn't be there to diffuse any potential unnecessary telling offs. I'm the one that entertains ds and plays with him , DH would just hand him the iPad all the time ☹️

OP posts:

Rainallnight · 05/09/2021 20:06

Did he want DS?

Indecisivelurcher · 05/09/2021 20:07

I think what you do depends on whether your husband thinks there is a problem or not. There are classes, books etc, but it's no good if he doesn't see the issue or won't hear what you're saying.

Mariell · 05/09/2021 20:09

He’s a crap dad.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/09/2021 20:09

Your husband is horrible and will ruin your poor child. Men like your husband are tyrants, I'd be surprised if you didn't already know this.

GreyhoundG1rl · 05/09/2021 20:11

What exactly does he shout at your ds for? Obviously shouting, if that's what it is, is not on; but I have to admit I shudder when I hear the term "gentle parenting"...
Where exactly does this differ from normal parenting? Boundaries, or lack of, I assume?

Original poster

Hogu · 05/09/2021 20:17

@Rainallnight DS is an ivf baby, it was actually me that wanted him so badly but DH was happy either way - if ivf worked or not.

OP posts:

SheliasBroomIsLonger · 05/09/2021 20:17

Why don't you suggest that your Dh takes a day off work and then you go together to a toddler group so that he can see what a normal 2.5 yr old does, and that his son is not naughty. He can see how other parents handle their children too.

I think that as a starting point. I agree that his "parenting" doesn't sound great however if you do end up leaving he will still no doubt have access to his son. So start with showing him that this is what toddlers are like.

Original poster

Hogu · 05/09/2021 20:18

@topcat2014 Don't get me wrong, I don't have the patience of a saint and I do shout occasionally 🙈

OP posts:

Original poster

Hogu · 05/09/2021 20:19

@Mariell Yes I think so too 😢
What's most annoying is that if he sees anyone watching when we are out or someone comes over, he acts like he's the best dad ever and goes over the top to show how 'fun' he is!

OP posts:

Pemmican · 05/09/2021 20:20

it was actually me that wanted him so badly but DH was happy either way

He didn't want a baby, OP, and now he's taking his anger out on you both.

Leave him before your DS is completely ruined by his bullying.

OnlyFlans · 05/09/2021 20:24

If he's not into being a parent you'll probably find after a while he doesn't bother with your DS and you end up with full time custody - which is probably for the best if he's shouting at DS and being a shit parent.

Summersnake · 05/09/2021 20:27

I’d be long gone ,I’m afraid.
It’s clearly your husband’s personality
No fucker would of treated my babies like that and still lived under my roof

SisforSarah · 05/09/2021 20:29

I’ve been there OP. My DH really isn’t a natural parent and his own experience of parenting was/is pretty shocking (I say that by way of explanation NOT excuse). My DH was very like yours sounds. I pleaded and pleaded for DH to go to parenting classes with me and he refused, I asked him to read books, he refused. Eventually a particular incident when DC were 6&5 was the tipping point for me and I told him either he went on a parenting course or I was leaving him. He did an online course run by either Harvard or Stanford (we are uk based) -an online course was NOT what I had in mind, but it really was a game changer. He is so much better at parenting now, although our parenting styles will never completely align, he is open to learning and improving. Good luck x

ImFree2doasiwant · 05/09/2021 20:29

My ex was like this. Not so much the constant shouting but the thought that ds was naughty and behaving badly. Ex. Honestly, I'd leave.

BoredZelda · 05/09/2021 20:35

Isn’t Full of life and inquisitive bright little thing usually seen as code for 'naughty' as he won't do as he's told on MN?

Whatever the actual truth of the matter, parents need to be on the same page on how they want their child to be raised.

EmeraldShamrock · 05/09/2021 20:37

He should not have unrealistic expectations of a 2.5 year old or be getting angry.

Original poster

Hogu · 05/09/2021 20:40

@Summersnake But then I'd not be able to mediate when ds went to see him if we parted. At the moment I feel that would be worse. For now DH doenst truly affect ds as I'm
Always there to make ds laugh or play etc

OP posts:

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