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Original poster

Advice please. I hate the way my DH parents our son

82 replies

Hogu · 05/09/2021 19:33

DS is 2.5 years old. Full of life and inquisitive bright little thing. I'm a sahm, I take him to various toddler groups and we go on walks everyday, I like to 'gentle parent' as much as I can and let him explore as much as he can safely.

My DH is the opposite, he insists our son is 'naughty' as he won't do as he's told, constantly says he's not learning anything as I'm too soft on ds and don't shout at him. I've tried to tell DH that ds is only 2.5 yrs old and his behaviour is totally normal for his age, he wants to do everything and is interested in absolutely everything!

DH works full time but when he does see ds( which is only for an hour in the morning and at weekends) he's mainly on his phone then gets cross with ds as he's bored and wants attention.
Im so so sick of trying to diffuse Dhs annoyance at our son and feel like im constantly sticking up for our son to save him getting shouted at.

What can I do? I feel miserable when DH is home at the moment.

OP posts:
DroopyClematis · 05/09/2021 21:23

You both have very different ideas of parenting and, based on what you've said, your partner's idea of parenting is bordering on negligent.
That's not what you want for your son.

Fully appreciate that your son would be subject to your partner's style of parenting whilst not there but, from what you've said, your partner won't be asking for much time with him anyway.

trippingflip · 05/09/2021 21:23

I know you dread it, but depending how safe the child will be, I would leave the toddler with him for an entire week or two. As long as possible and with no one else to support.

Children have a way of making you realise you have to know who they are and work with them.

If your husband is too volatile for you to safely do this then parenting classes or LTB.

Everyone parents differently and that's usually alright but in this case, something has to change.

HangingChads · 05/09/2021 21:25

The thing is, it's all well and good saying 'leave' but then her DH would have unsupervised access to DS without OP there to protect him. Surely it's better to try and work on DH's behaviour rather than just throw in the towel?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

2 year olds Families
Fluffycloudland77 · 05/09/2021 21:25

By the sound of it your dh wouldn’t want much if any access to him if you did separate.

Lilymossflower · 05/09/2021 21:26

He isn't parenting. Lol

RoseAddict · 05/09/2021 21:27

OP I do recommend this book www.amazon.co.uk/Book-Wish-Your-Parents-Children/dp/0241250994/ref=nodl_?tag=mumsnetforu03-21 it explains how parenting is affected by the parent’s own upbringing, I know this seems obvious but it’s a very compassionate book and every time I read bits I am more understanding of my own and other people’s parenting failings. I have also observed that my own ‘gentle parenting’ tendencies do tend to create a compensatory effect where my dh is more strict or shouty because he thinks my approach isn’t working and the children are disrespecting me. I think it’s worth talking to him about how the DC make him feel and why he is so angry.

Albgo · 05/09/2021 21:33

It's sad how much ignorance there is about gentle parenting. Gentle parenting (done properly), does not mean letting kids run wild and not setting boundaries. Maybe some people (along with OP's unpleasant husband) could do some proper research.

BastardMonkfish · 05/09/2021 21:41

@RoseAddict

OP I do recommend this book www.amazon.co.uk/Book-Wish-Your-Parents-Children/dp/0241250994/ref=nodl_?tag=mumsnetforu03-21 it explains how parenting is affected by the parent’s own upbringing, I know this seems obvious but it’s a very compassionate book and every time I read bits I am more understanding of my own and other people’s parenting failings. I have also observed that my own ‘gentle parenting’ tendencies do tend to create a compensatory effect where my dh is more strict or shouty because he thinks my approach isn’t working and the children are disrespecting me. I think it’s worth talking to him about how the DC make him feel and why he is so angry.
I was trying to think of a way of phrasing this but you've put it perfectly. I've been like OP, doting on DS and resenting DH for scolding him. Now DS is a bit older and I realise life would be easier for all of us if I'd been on board with nipping naughty behavior in the bud - reversing a lack of boundaries is tough. You really need to sit down and talk together about how you're going to discipline and parent together. If he has no interest in even talking about it then it's hopeless I guess.
Mummyoflittledragon · 05/09/2021 21:56

[quote Hogu]@Whatinthelord That's a point! DH has already told me that him and his dad used to fight when he was a child!! Said they had a very bad relationship. How strange that he wants to replicate that with ds instead of learn from it 😢[/quote]
Have you said this to him and asked if he wants to do something about it?

Hoppinggreen · 05/09/2021 21:58

@Albgo

It's sad how much ignorance there is about gentle parenting. Gentle parenting (done properly), does not mean letting kids run wild and not setting boundaries. Maybe some people (along with OP's unpleasant husband) could do some proper research.
Nothing wrong with actual gentle parenting, it’s when people can’t be arsed parent at all or find their little darlings antics amusing and then label it “gentle parenting” that’s annoying I am not saying OP is like that but when you hear descriptions of a child as “full of life” then that can be open to interpretation
ladycarlotta · 05/09/2021 22:00

It is possible to have firm boundaries while also appreciating that two-year-olds are boisterous, inquisitive little souls who require engagement. 'Naughty' is just another way of saying 'doesn't do what I want', it's really not a useful term on any other level. Good parenting is teaching our kids what is acceptable behaviour, what has consequences etc etc, without utterly squishing them. That's what most halfway decent parents understand and achieve, no matter their parenting philosophy/method. Just want to put that out there.

I know some kids really are little shits but it's unfair to surmise that the OP's is like that when all she's said is that he is a happy enthusiastic little guy and his father thinks he should be shouted at. TBH, OP, if you leave it sounds like his dad will be only too glad to allow you to carry on with the 95% of the parenting you're already doing. I'm sorry your son has a shit and mainly absent dad, that's not fair, but whether you're together or not won't make a difference to that. Get your ducks in a row, lawyer up, make sure there's no possibility for your husband to keep hold of your son out of pure vindictiveness. You and your son both deserve a happier situation than this, and it IS achievable. Good luck x

WTF475878237NC · 05/09/2021 22:07

You've been crystal clear to me OP. I have a friend who has a husband like this. Makes so little effort to learn any parenting techniques and then sees all normal toddler behaviour as naughty and demanding. Has two modes - disengaged or shouting.

She is sticking it out for now in the hope her husband will change.

SisforSarah · 05/09/2021 22:21

@Hogu, when my eldest was 2.5 my DH also refused every suggestion I made…..4 years down the line his parenting certainly hadn’t got better, and had probably got worse. I had the same fears as you re his total inability to parent if we split and he had the DC alone, but it got to the point where staying with him made me equally culpable. Yes I was partially protecting them, but I was also saying ‘I’m not leaving this, so it must be ok’. I could only see it getting worse. Giving DH an ultimatum ‘sort out your parenting or I’m leaving’ was literally the only thing that worked. Perhaps he knew he couldn’t manage the kids on his own, perhaps he didn’t want our marriage to end. I don’t know, but he did something about it. You might not be at that point yet…..but it will come. Feel free to pm me. X

chipsandgin · 05/09/2021 22:26

“Gentle parenting” as a concept winds me up - it is always, without exception used as a phrase by the parents of feral kids who have no boundaries, zero consequences for bad behaviour, no empathy and no remorse when their entitled or rude behaviour causes upset or hurt.

However you clearly have a DH problem. Parenting is a team effort not a part time thing that you engage in when it suits you.

Seriously though - I’ve now got a teenager, who (possibly more by luck than circumstance) is happy, polite and socially able… of the kids he grew up with the ‘gentle parented’ ones are self involved, arrogant, unpopular and unhappy kids - a few with mental health issues as they are so fragile having expected the world to revolve around them and been disappointed when it turns out it doesn’t.

The ones who had boundaries, were taught manners and who heard the word no more frequently (whilst being loved and communicated with effectively) are more stable, popular and seem happier. The real world is a harsh place, you need to compromise, adapt and accept that you aren’t the centre of the universe. Worth bearing in mind OP, whilst also giving your DH a reality check about being involved. Tbh though I couldn’t be around someone ‘gentle parenting’, if anything it makes you want to put boundaries in more because they aren’t being put there by you? I mean your DH could just be an arse, but please rethink the ‘gentle parenting’ unless you want to end up with a spoilt entitled unlikable kid!

OmgIcantbelieveshedidit · 05/09/2021 22:29

@Pemmican

it was actually me that wanted him so badly but DH was happy either way

He didn't want a baby, OP, and now he's taking his anger out on you both.

Leave him before your DS is completely ruined by his bullying.

This.

You could ask him to go to relate to agree some parenting and to explore communication in your marriage and see if that opens his eyes else it isn’t going to happen

Babyparrotdog · 05/09/2021 22:31

Leave and set up an agreement where he sees him minimally, which sounds like it will suit your H. If he continues to be a twat, your son will choose to not see him of his own accord when he is old enough.

thelastgoldeneagle · 05/09/2021 22:47

After reading your last post...

What do you say when your h says he doesn't want to be with your ds and actively avoids him?!

I'd leave. This will never get better. He sounds like a lazy, shit dad. You'd be happier without him.

SparrowNest · 05/09/2021 22:53

@chipsandgin

“Gentle parenting” as a concept winds me up - it is always, without exception used as a phrase by the parents of feral kids who have no boundaries, zero consequences for bad behaviour, no empathy and no remorse when their entitled or rude behaviour causes upset or hurt.

However you clearly have a DH problem. Parenting is a team effort not a part time thing that you engage in when it suits you.

Seriously though - I’ve now got a teenager, who (possibly more by luck than circumstance) is happy, polite and socially able… of the kids he grew up with the ‘gentle parented’ ones are self involved, arrogant, unpopular and unhappy kids - a few with mental health issues as they are so fragile having expected the world to revolve around them and been disappointed when it turns out it doesn’t.

The ones who had boundaries, were taught manners and who heard the word no more frequently (whilst being loved and communicated with effectively) are more stable, popular and seem happier. The real world is a harsh place, you need to compromise, adapt and accept that you aren’t the centre of the universe. Worth bearing in mind OP, whilst also giving your DH a reality check about being involved. Tbh though I couldn’t be around someone ‘gentle parenting’, if anything it makes you want to put boundaries in more because they aren’t being put there by you? I mean your DH could just be an arse, but please rethink the ‘gentle parenting’ unless you want to end up with a spoilt entitled unlikable kid!

Why do people bother making claims like this?

I believe your kid is great. What I don’t believe is that you’ve got detailed knowledge of how a large number of their peers were parented and what they’re like now.

GreyhoundG1rl · 05/09/2021 22:55

They're very likely at school together? I still know loads of kids I first encountered at baby groups.

Jobsharenightmare · 05/09/2021 22:57

I see gentle parenting as meaning using the carrot not the stick and a repertoire of strategies for nurturing a child. I can't believe how critical people are of attuned and emotionally engaged parents.

GreyhoundG1rl · 05/09/2021 23:00

@Jobsharenightmare

I see gentle parenting as meaning using the carrot not the stick and a repertoire of strategies for nurturing a child. I can't believe how critical people are of attuned and emotionally engaged parents.
How does it differ from the way most people parent? Attuned and emotionally engaged? 🤔. Describes most parents really, apart from the obviously shit ones.
HalzTangz · 05/09/2021 23:11

My opinion, your husband didn't want a baby, he only went along with it because it's what you wanted.

He stays out to avoid the child.

He sits on his phone to avoid the child.

I doubt he would want custody if you did split.

You need to have a discussion with your husband and ask him truthfully, does he want to be a dad

Littlepaws18 · 05/09/2021 23:19

I observed this today at a theme park... toddler about three years old walking across uneven ground with lots of tree roots. Dad in a very uptight mood tells the boy to be careful be careful. The boy slips and falls face down, dad shouts at him as he is picking him up roughly, I told you to be careful!

Toddlers are tiring but man you can treat them like shit, just because you are tired. Luckily for this toddler his mom was on the ball took him from dad, told dad firmly but in a really fair voice exactly why his parenting wasn't working and how it impacted the toddler. At first I thought poor kid, even thinking about intervening- but he had an awesome mom who completely sorted the situation.

Hopefully you can be that awesome mom and teach him why his parental ways don't work and things that can work.

My partner flits from super dad to lazy dad. I just need to learn to keep my cool like super mom above and not rip my partner a new one when he over steps the mark (or under steps)

BoredZelda · 05/09/2021 23:43

he’s a 2-year-old. If you’re thinking of a child that age as “naughty” that’s a you problem. Same goes for OP’s husband

Oh come on. MN is full of posts about "spirited" 2 year olds.

Jobsharenightmare · 05/09/2021 23:48

GreyhoundG1rl

I don't think it does actually. Lots of people rely on threats (the stick) hence parenting courses exist to teach positive parenting. By attuned and emotionally engaged I mean someone using their emotional literacy skills to identify a child's emotion and respond appropriately, and teach the child to do the same. I don't think all of the people who go on such courses are shit, but their approach is not necessarily synonymous with my understanding of gentle parenting and I imagine a lot of it comes to down to what our own upbringing was like and whether we want to emulate it or not.