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Original poster

Advice please. I hate the way my DH parents our son

82 replies

Hogu · 05/09/2021 19:33

DS is 2.5 years old. Full of life and inquisitive bright little thing. I'm a sahm, I take him to various toddler groups and we go on walks everyday, I like to 'gentle parent' as much as I can and let him explore as much as he can safely.

My DH is the opposite, he insists our son is 'naughty' as he won't do as he's told, constantly says he's not learning anything as I'm too soft on ds and don't shout at him. I've tried to tell DH that ds is only 2.5 yrs old and his behaviour is totally normal for his age, he wants to do everything and is interested in absolutely everything!

DH works full time but when he does see ds( which is only for an hour in the morning and at weekends) he's mainly on his phone then gets cross with ds as he's bored and wants attention.
Im so so sick of trying to diffuse Dhs annoyance at our son and feel like im constantly sticking up for our son to save him getting shouted at.

What can I do? I feel miserable when DH is home at the moment.

OP posts:

Whatinthelord · 05/09/2021 20:43

My husband can be shouty too but he does recognise it’s not good.

My Dh has recently started talking therapy through his work and is speaking about how he is with the kids in that.

What is your Dh like 121 with your son. My Dh is great when they are out doing stuff like camping etc, just at home he can’t manage.

I think my Dh is following in his own fathers footsteps. He shouted a lot. We spoke about that once and my Dh could see he was doing some of the same things.

I echo the point someone else made about it become an issue later on. That’s exactly what I told my DH. If it isn’t sorted it’ll turn into a battle between him and DS as DS gets older it’ll get worse.

Original poster

Hogu · 05/09/2021 20:43

@SisforSarah Sounds very similar. I'll
Look at parenting courses but I doubt DH would be up for it.
I've tried to show him things online but he just thinks I'm patronising him and said he doesn't need to see videos or support as he 'knows' ds is naughty.

DS is not naughty, ds is playful and bloody brilliant.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hogu · 05/09/2021 20:44

@Whatinthelord That's a point! DH has already told me that him and his dad used to fight when he was a child!! Said they had a very bad relationship. How strange that he wants to replicate that with ds instead of learn from it 😢

OP posts:

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Rtmhwales · 05/09/2021 20:45

@UserAtLargeAgain

Is it really constant shouting or just he sometimes raises his voice? Big difference.

My experience of some people who believe in "gentle parenting" is that this is synonymous to letting their children run wild and do what they want, so it may well be that your DH has a point.
The parenting class idea is a good one.

Agreed. My good friend gentle parents her four children and they're all wild. Then she gets cross with her husband for 'yelling' at them or doing it wrong, except when we've seen examples of this that cause her ire it just seems like parenting with firm boundaries.

Hoppinggreen · 05/09/2021 20:50

Maybe your DH is a shouty arsehole or maybe your child is feral while you ineffectually say “gentle hands” while he smacks some other poor child round the head with a toy.
The truth is probably somewhere in between the 2.
Either way you need to parent effectively together

Original poster

Hogu · 05/09/2021 20:52

@Hoppinggreen My child isn't feral, he's super gentle and has never smacked anyone or anything. Thanks for your helpful input tho 😊

OP posts:

Clymene · 05/09/2021 20:52

Staying with an angry partner in a misguided attempt to protect your child is a bad decision.

Right now - and if you stay - your child will believe you support your husband. And that is really harmful to your son. He has to know that you have his back. And you cannot do that while you're staying with an abusive man and placating him.

Thatsjustwhatithink · 05/09/2021 20:53

@Hogu

Is there a way you could meet in the middle? Is he actually a bad dad or is it that you just have very different parenting ways? I'm stricter than my partner.

You seem to dote on your DS, which isn't a bad thing but can sometimes stop you seeing poor behaviour. Especially as IVF treatment would have taken so much out of you both. If you cannot look at DS behaviour objectively it could get much worse, especially if you and DP break up. As he gets older he'll need some firm parenring as well as the 'be kind' type. There's room for both.

You haven't described any poor behaviour from ds which given he's 2 he should be pushing boundaries and having tantrums! Which means that he is going to do naughty things and be told no! And cry! I'm a little worried that you are loking at the behaviour completely differently?

Has the relationship completely broken down between you and DP? If so (and he isnt abusive) it's likely that he would be given joint custody. What do others think like friends and family?

Thatsjustwhatithink · 05/09/2021 20:54

It's just that you have painted yourself and child as perfect and DP as awful at everything. Given you both went through IVF he must have also wanted the child as well?

SparrowNest · 05/09/2021 20:58

@BoredZelda he’s a 2-year-old. If you’re thinking of a child that age as “naughty” that’s a you problem. Same goes for OP’s husband

GreyhoundG1rl · 05/09/2021 20:58

[quote Hogu]@Hoppinggreen My child isn't feral, he's super gentle and has never smacked anyone or anything. Thanks for your helpful input tho 😊[/quote]
So what does he do that your dh thinks is "naughty"? He's wrong to shout (if he does), but he has to be actually shouting at something, surely?
Do you put any boundaries in place for your child?
Because he wants to do everything and is interested in absolutely everything! makes it sound as though you're happy for him to basically run wild.

CornishPastyDownUnder · 05/09/2021 21:01

the one standout for me @Hogu was the ambivalence in that he was apparently happy either way-whilst you are going throughIVF?
S
No,he didnt want kids&i too had the tyrannical,dictator"dad"..who came over all "worlds best parent" when anyone was watching.I left when i had2toddlers as the way i had to adapt my behaviour&keep the kids out of his way -if he ever stuck around long enough-was emotional abuse..Please dont tolerate this.

UserAtLargeAgain · 05/09/2021 21:03

Given that you admit that you shout too, it sounds like DS is not a little angel all the time. It's pretty rare to find a perfectly behaved 2 year old who doesn't need any boundaries setting.

Hoppinggreen · 05/09/2021 21:04

[quote Hogu]@Hoppinggreen My child isn't feral, he's super gentle and has never smacked anyone or anything. Thanks for your helpful input tho 😊[/quote]
Like I said, the truth is probably somewhere in the middle.
It would be helpful if you could give some examples of this behaviour your DH deems “ naughty”
Some of your descriptions do make your child sound somewhat “spirited”

Original poster

Hogu · 05/09/2021 21:05

Maybe I haven't been clear. DH can't be bothered with ds. He wants to spend his work free time on his phone. The times he has with ds he hands him the iPad then gets annoyed if ds doesn't want to watch the iPad. He won't actually engage or play with ds. He gets angry with me when I suggest he actually plays with ds.
I reiterate, DH only sees ds for an hour a day in the morning, he purposely comes home after ds is in bed. Even if he's finished work he's already told me he wastes time so he can come home after ds is in bed!

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 05/09/2021 21:07

Like I said before, your husband is horrible, not to mention absolutely useless.

GreyhoundG1rl · 05/09/2021 21:08

Maybe he doesn't want to play with ds when he's getting ready for work? 😬

SparrowNest · 05/09/2021 21:10

@Hogu you’ve been perfectly clear, you are just being jumped on by people who take the term “gentle parenting” as a personal insult and criticism of the way they did things.

I don’t have much advice, other than trying to drop stuff into conversation about how differently toddlers brains work and so on. I read this interesting article, so and so told me etc. And maybe trying to find an activity for him to take responsibility for where phones aren’t an option. I don’t have the same issues with my husband as you do, but bathtime is his thing, to give one example. I do it occasionally if he has to work late, but mostly it’s him.

UserAtLargeAgain · 05/09/2021 21:11

What is he like at weekends?

Hoppinggreen · 05/09/2021 21:12

@Hogu

Maybe I haven't been clear. DH can't be bothered with ds. He wants to spend his work free time on his phone. The times he has with ds he hands him the iPad then gets annoyed if ds doesn't want to watch the iPad. He won't actually engage or play with ds. He gets angry with me when I suggest he actually plays with ds. I reiterate, DH only sees ds for an hour a day in the morning, he purposely comes home after ds is in bed. Even if he's finished work he's already told me he wastes time so he can come home after ds is in bed!

Yeah, he does sound a bit shit then. I hate parents who’s only interaction is to discipline. If you can’t be arsed interact with your child positively then don’t at all

pecanmix · 05/09/2021 21:13

Op it sounds like he didn't want ds. I highly doubt he would fight you for any kind of custody. He may have him for a weekend here or there but it would require actual parenting which it doesn't sound like he's keen to do.

Thatsjustwhatithink · 05/09/2021 21:16

@Hogu

Do you love or even like your DH?

Because if you don't you should leave. Kids pick up on this.

Bu you can't have it all ways. If you stay with your DH you both have a say in how you bring up your DS. If you plit up you each get to parent how you see fit. You also want your DH to spend more time with your DS, but also appear to hate everything he does. Surely best to just end it now?

woohoo54 · 05/09/2021 21:17

Your husband sounds like a bit of dick OP and I suspect you know it. He's obviously selfish (or staying at work late) and doesn't want your son, hence your lives aren't compatible anymore. Don't stay with him to enable his behaviour. Leave. You have a duty to protect your sons emotional well being, which will be severely affected if you stay. It'll be hard but worth it.

woohoo54 · 05/09/2021 21:18

*for staying

Booboobadoo · 05/09/2021 21:22

If you split, it doesn't sound like DH would be interested in DS anyway. And the odd weekend on the iPad with DH would be preferable to DS living with a frightening bully every day. It will also ruin you to continue to be around someone so horrible.

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