What is it like to be beautiful?

[Gumbojumbo]

I would describe myself as pretty and have had a few admirers in my life, but I'm not outstandingly beautiful. I'm not tall or slim enough (boobs too big for my small frame, legs that could be much longer and hair that always needs a lot of styling to look half bad,). How about you? What is it like to be considered a beauty? Is life easier than for the rest of us mere mortals? I had a friend who was breathtakingly beautiful, but she was never happy with her lot in life. Disappointed that her looks didn't give her more of an advantage in life. Just wondering what it must be like to be considered a beauty.

@Bluntness100

I’m not wrong, just different. I’m glad if that way works for you, but mine works for me. We always try to compliment mindfully based on action. My daughter is told she’s beautiful by pils, ballet teachers, friends, strangers occasionally. I choose to compliment her on other things, which works for me.

And as I said we will occasionally say she looks smart/lovely in a new outfit and I told her how grown up and lovely she looked in her last dance recital but for me I would rather build her confidence in other ways.

I’m not sure if I’m beautiful but I was apparently voted the most beautiful girl in my year at my university college (awful there was even a vote). I’ve never found it hard to attract men and I think looks are a part of that.

I was an unattractive child tho and was bullied quite a bit for things to do with appearance, so I don’t have the innate confidence that someone might have if they were beautiful as a child. In fact, I regularly think that I’m not beautiful at all and it’s all just people being fooled by makeup (to be fair I am good at makeup!)

It’s definitely a double edged sword. I believe I’ve developed a dependence on male approval which has contributed to my hopping from relationship to relationship, leaving me feeling like I’m not a fully formed person (I’m trying to have a break now but finding it hard). It began when I realised the sense of power and approval that started when I was 14 and ‘blooming’.

My friend told me the other day that the reason that I have to go Cold Turkey on dating apps is because it’s very rare a guy doesn’t want to see me again and I’m pulled into something which is true. Every time though, I can’t work out what they are seeing and feel flattered which draws me in. In reality, I think many of these guys fancy me and there is no real spark, because I often end up with men who I’m just not that compatible with (annoyingly I also seem to like and get on with lots of people but I just can’t work out which ones are suitable romantic partners so have ended up with so many different types of men!)

I think I’m more self conscious than most about ageing. I’m only 37 and look about 27 apparently but I think quite a lot about what I’ve lost in beauty terms and I feel sad about the ageing process and how I get less matches on dating apps because of this and less attention, even though when I got lots of attention I wanted the ground to swallow me up. In fact, my style is quite frumpy at times because I really hate getting attention in the street or even in bars.

I have been sexually assaulted in various ways throughout the years. I wouldn’t equate this with being attractive but it certainly doesn’t want me to stand out or be seen as a sex object. But at the same time it’s fun to go on dates and have someone obviously fancy you.

As you can see it’s confusing!

Oh why not, absolutely

I'm thrilled I got my dd to 14 and she never even thought to shave her legs!!

She's so beautiful! She likes nice clothes but she has I think had a really good chunk of her childhood looks obsessed free which in this day and age isn't bad..
I've always said she's beautiful but just praised other things more.

@OhWhyNot

Bluntness I know far too many women who were very very pretty little girls that’s have very little self esteem

The constantly being singled out and being constant being told how pretty they are does not built confidence because being beautiful or pretty is not the be all and end all. True confidence isn’t knowing you are good looking it’s believing in yourself

No one is saying never tell a little girl she is beautiful but when she is one of those little girls that will be singled out by others then there is more of a need to build her confidence in other ways

Maybe you’ve misunderstood my posts or misread? I felt they were very clear. Maybe it’s my writing style.

Becayse I clearly stated we should compliment our kids in all ways, from their appearance to their achievements, building confidence is multi faceted

And there has been enough threads on here from women who said their parents never told them they were beautiful, never complimented them just their achievements, which made them think there was something wrong with how they looked. It damaged them.

As humans we should be confident in how we look as well as our abilities, no one goes through life thinking how they look isn’t important. No one. Ever. And a compliment is a boost. Every single time. And you can compliment it all. All our children are beautiful in their own way and they should know it.

I have a beautiful colleague, she is classically beautiful and looks a lot like a young Grace Kelly.

We are in nursing and honestly the bitchiness and hostility that she suffers from other nurses, predominantly women is disgusting.
She is a lovely person, a good nurse and actually very competent at her job but sometimes the hostility is shocking and very overt.

Personally I think this speaks more to the nature of other women than beauty in and of itself but whilst I admire her looks I wouldn't thank you for them. Not in our industry.

That said she has a doting husband and gorgeous children.

My dds were told they were beautiful constantly.
I felt that I had to give praise for other things such as intelligence or how hard they worked. Or just for being them.
I would never say beautiful first I’d say clever beautiful and funny.

As another poster said re not commenting on looks causing self esteem issues- I agree. There’s so much stuff around them regarding looks that it’s important to build that confidence up. It’s a minefield at times!

I was very attractive in a striking rather than pretty way (I looked a bit like brook shields in my teens/20's) but haven't aged well and do struggle with being so invisible and it's definitely affected my self-confidence which I'm sure was part of what made me so attractive in my youth.

I don’t think beautiful people realise they are as beautiful as they are. They are people after all and we all like to find fault with ourselves.

Yes it is indeed a double edged sword. My whole life I have been praised for my looks. From a little girl, I was lauded for my beauty. This attention actually made me very insecure. I ended up gaining a PhD to prove my worth. I was lucky to end up with a man who valued me more than just my looks. But it was a rocky journey. Insecure men who thought it was great to make me feel like shit. Jealous women women (who even now try to our me down...my peers). But I am about to be made professor, so I have achieved what I wanted.... despite my good looks. That feels so good.

But also I want to add...I am now in my forties. I didn't quite appreciate the power of youth. Ultimately, isn't it youth that is the most powerful.draw? With expertise and experience a poor second?

So, yep, beauty and and getting older suck big time 😭

Fuck all this, oh wow x celebrity looks good for their age, everyone of us over forty longs to look like we did in out twenties 😭

@TreeSmuggler

Sorry OP but you are kidding yourself listing "cons" to being beautiful. There aren't any. That doesn't mean beautiful people have perfect lives, but no they aren't made unhappy by their looks. If they really wanted to look plain they could - track suit, scruffy hair, no make up, put on a few pounds. As we know from trashy mag articles about celebs papped this way, the most beautiful people in the world can look like nothing special.

What's next, "I sure would hate to be rich, you'd have to buy a new purse to fit all that money in, how annoying would that be".

But even when I wear trackies and no make up, hair in scruffy ponytail I STILL get approached by model scouts a fair bit (packed main streets during lunchtime, on the train, at the beach, etc.)

I agree there aren't many downsides at all. Not sure why some people like to make out a story of 'she was beautiful but so unlucky in love/rejected by people'; that's simply not the truth.

I do get some weird comments at work: recently came to a client to do a presentation and a female worker said to me 'what are you even doing here, you should be a model' (I have a professional career as well as modelling on the side), and I'm a bit thinking why can't I be intelligent, too..? But those comments are really not a massive deal.

Strangers are nice to you and smile at you a lot, especially men. It is difficult to trust the people you know, especially men.

Personally I think this speaks more to the nature of other women than beauty in and of itself

I think it speaks to a society overall which values looks/attractiveness/youth so much above all other attributes, and implicitly teaches women that we are each other’s rivals for male attention based on our looks, a lesson we absorb and often act out even when the immediate situation is nothing to do with seeking male validation.

DD is absolutely beautiful, but was so shy and uncertain of herself as a child. She had several lovely and loyal friends at school, but the popular and confident girls at school obviously resented her beauty, and they made her life a misery. It certainly didn't make her happy then, but it's different now, thank goodness.

From zero personal experience, but my understanding of fairy tales (Grimm etc.). Being beautiful results in curses, jealous stepmothers, poisoned food, assassins, being locked in towers or left in forests, kidnapping and general misery. So I am cool with being ordinary.

@IcedPurple

Personally, I think very few people are beautiful. Attractive, sexy, pretty yes. But real beauty is rare.

And I always find these threads amusing in how people present good looks as some sort of burden, when there is considerable evidence that being good looking has all sorts of advantages.There may be downsides too, but the advantages easily outweight the disadvantages. Put it this way: many plain people try to be beautiful. No beautiful person tries to be plain.

I'm not sure I agree with this. The studies you mention specifically look at advantages and don't actually ask questions about disadvantages or harassment.

And as for no-one trying to be plain - I used to be, not beautiful but attractive. I'm now a size 22 and one of the things that holds me back from losing weight is that not being harassed constantly is great.

Being attractive was definitely a double edged sword so I imagine being beautiful would be the same.

In my teens and 20s I was constantly sexually harassed - I've lost count of how many times I've been groped with men grabbing my breasts and even sticking their hand between my legs as I walk through a crowd in a bar.

I've been stalked...I've woken up to find a man watching me sleeping through a skylight on my bedroom roof...I've been put in a lot of awkward situations by male colleagues cracking on to me.

The upsides are that I've generally always been able to sleep with who I wanted to - if I had a crush on someone then I would be able to pull them.

BUT...that's as far as attractiveness alone takes you. I was incredibly unhappy and emotionally challenging (an anxious avoidant attachment style from childhood abuse) and so often ended up in short lived relationships and felt incredibly unloveable and suicidal. For a long time I felt I was only good enough for that initial sexual part of a relationship and that after that I would be discarded which made my emotional issues from childhood abuse even worse.

I was also quite shy when I was younger and that was always interpreted as me being 'stuck up' and 'aloof' when in fact I was anything but...

So yes...I often got help with things and might have got the odd favour or whatever but the downsides of the constant harassment and how it worked out with men meant overall it was more negative for me.

Now I'm late 30's and morbidly obese. I miss turning heads...I miss being attractive...but I don't miss being harassed constantly.

I also agree with a PP that being fat now makes it much easier to stay faithful as I don't get put in a position to have my head turned.

What is it like to be beautiful?

It's bloody great I'm not going to bullshit you with tales of women treating me badly because of my beauty or how 'hard' being beautiful can be because frankly, life as a beautiful woman has been a pretty easy ride and I do credit a lot of my good fortune with how I look. Not through talent or skill or hard work, just purely because of my agreeable face and body. Which is kind of ridiculous really considering I had absolutely no part in it.

I am more than my looks though. I think some people find it hard to see past that. I often get 'I can't believe you are so beautiful AND a nice person'

Oh and I'm 47. You don't just cease to be beautiful as you age.

*In my teens and 20s I was constantly sexually harassed - I've lost count of how many times I've been groped with men grabbing my breasts and even sticking their hand between my legs as I walk through a crowd in a bar.

I've been stalked...I've woken up to find a man watching me sleeping through a skylight on my bedroom roof...I've been put in a lot of awkward situations by male colleagues cracking on to me.*

But as has been pointed out several times upthread, women of all levels of physical attractiveness - or lack thereof - are subjected to harrassment and unwanted advances. To claim only 'beautiful' women are harassed and that 'plain' women have it easy is frankly ignorant.

Scientifically beauty isn't really a double edged sword. It conveys many advantages all through life like bring white or being rich does. Beautiful people earn more, get better grades acedemically, get more choice of partners, are better at sport,are perceived as nicer and are more popular. Beautiful people who don't realise this should be checking their privilege. Same as tall men .

I just want to echo what a few other PPs have said and I’ve always found a bit disturbing. But if I’m post night shift or hungover, dressed in slobby clothes and looking a bit rough around the ages I get leery looks from men. A kind of white van man look, if that makes sense. Whereas if I’m dressed up for a meal or night out I get briefer and sneakier glances from men.

I think the term ‘beautiful’ seems a bit big and I certainly wouldn’t want to call myself that, but I guess I’m stereotypically attractive (slim, blonde etc) and have been aware of the ‘power’ of it from a very young age.