A thread for people trying to decide whether to have children or not

[DeathOnTheNile]

Recently, there have been a whole bunch of threads about children and regret, and it's been great to hear from both the perspective of people who chose to have children and those who didn't. But it occurred to me that there must be people like me who are still trying to work through the decision to have children or not, and it might be useful to get a thread going?

So, me: early 30s, married for several years. Both DH and I are in professional jobs, with me earning a little more than him but both of on us on decent-ish incomes. We don't own our own home yet because we've moved around a fair bit for work, but we're looking to buy in the next 6 months or so and have a fair bit of money saved up.

Having kids was always one of those things I thought I'd feel like doing at some distant point in the future, but I never gave much thought to the specifics of it, nor was I ever broody - and I'm still not! If DH really wanted a baby I'd agree and vice versa, but we're both pretty indifferent/unsure. My main concerns around having children are the obvious ones like fears around not getting any time to myself, losing my identity, the impact it'll have on my body and our marriage. Plus, we both love our sleep and holidays! I love having a quiet, clean home, and when I spend time with children they do irritate/tire me out immensely. The irreversible nature of having children is what frightens me the most, frankly - every other decision in life can be reversed except this one. I can leave my marriage, change my career, change anything at all, but I couldn't ever change my decision to have a child if I went down that path. That's absolutely terrifying to me.

On the other hand, I look at the large family I grew up in and I see what comfort and joy my parents get from having their children and grandchildren around them. Obviously I know that having children doesn't guarantee that outcome (I've seen people around me lose children and also have their children move far away from them), but a part of me does worry about what my life would look like in my later years if I never had children. I also worry about regret if I never took that step, but I am well aware I could regret having children too! I know DH would be a fantastic father and we would also have family support, but that still doesn't spark any particular desire in me to have a child, just factors I know might make it easier if we did.

Anyone else in the same boat? Although realistically I know we have a few years to think about it, I do feel like it's a niggle that will never go away until we decide one way or another.

I could have written your post!
We are in the same situation.
It's so frustrating because neither of us feel too strongly on the topic, although both lean slightly more towards not having kids.
If one of us really wanted it, the other would go along.

I worry about regretting it, when I'm in my 50's or 60's. When I have no chance to change my mind and take back the decision.

What is worse, having a child I regret, or not having a child and regretting it?

It keeps me awake at night!

What is worse, having a child I regret, or not having a child and regretting it?

Definitely the former as another person's life is involved! That I what finally swayed my decision not to have kids, although I was also going back and forth for a while.

OP can you link to the other threads about regret? Sometimes I start having thoughts again that maybe I should have a kid, and I think those threads will be helpful in keeping my resolve firm!

I always thought I'd have children, just because having a family seemed like a nice thing to do. I was never broody per se.

So I had them. And I hate it. Life is slog now. I've lost myself completely (Im a SAHM). I have been on antidepressants for 2 years now and cannot come off them without relapsing into depression.

Honestly everything about our life is worse. Our house is always a mess. My things get ruined and broken. Going out is hard work, and results in much whining from at least one kid whatever we do. My husband and I rarely spend quality time together, and never have sex. We are so so tired all the time and just fall asleep anytime we are away from the kids. I don't have the energy to take care of myself so am now fat and frumpy.

My kids are 3 and 5 and realistically I know it will get better. But these past 5 years have been the worst of my life.

I know that if I hadn't had kids I would have always wondered what if. And maybe in 5 years I will be able to feel that having kids was the right decision. But right now, while I'm in the thick of it, I regret it.

We were in a very similar situation and we now have two children. We were mid thirties, good earners in London, had bought a flat a few years before. Neither of us particularly keen on other people's children to be honest!

It's hard to give advice as I think it's sort of the best and worst thing we've done. By the way, you do like your own children far more than other people's children so discount that as a factor! It's very hard, expensive and has impacted our relationship. The worst thing is never getting any time to yourself, my safe places used to be reading and just having quiet time and that doesn't happen anymore which has really affected me mentally I think. It's also so boring sometimes...

On the plus side, my children bring me flashes of utter joy what I've not experienced before, just when they are laughing or happily playing together (rare, at 6 and 2.) They are also really funny and good company when they want to be. Being part of the school community has brought some amazing friends which I wouldn't have had otherwise. And I think I may have been lonely without kids, or felt that something was missing.

I now work three days a week but still in a challenging job which is much harder to do now. I used to be ambitious to reach the very top of my organisation but now I am not bothered. Maybe I will get that back when they're both at school and I have more time to focus.

In short, I don't know. You will probably not regret it as such, but you may miss your old life. I don't think you can regret having your kids once you have them, but you may regret choosing that lifestyle. Trust your gut.

This is sooo relatable. I've never felt an inkling towards motherhood and troughout the better part of my 20s i was convinced i was on the childfree side of the debate. But now that i'm days away from turning 30 and finally in a stable relationship with someone who would make a great dad and coparent, i'm really starting to feel the pressure of deciding before time runs out. It was all hypotethical until now, but getting on the other side of 30 feels so claustrophobic in having to make a conscious definitive call on the issue. It doesn't help that my partner is equally on the fence. I keep turning it over in my head and this is what i come up with:

PROS:

• support and companionship in my later years (though not guaranteed)
• a sense of purpose beyond myself
• personal growth and getting to experience the joys of life through their fresh eyes
• a sense of challenge and diversity and accomplishment in an otherwise perfectly boring life
• it would bring a lot of joy to my parents and I could count on them for support

CONS:

• the risks to my mental and physical health. I would never put myself willingly through vaginal childbirth, but even with a csection nothing is guaranteed. I would really rather not deal with hemorroids and incontinence
• i'm not ready to risk having a child with severe special needs. It would destroy me. And there's only so many precautions you can take and tests to do in pregnancy. Autism for example is a huge fear of mine
• i'm an introvert. I don't think i'd do well with kids climbing all over me and demanding my attention 24/7. I need my quiet alone time to function properly

- i've gotten to experience the good life and there's just so much to give up now. Had i had a baby straight out of uni maybe it would have been different. But now i'm used to my quiet and tidy house, my free time, my undisturbed quality time with my partner, my disposable income. It would be such a huge adjustment

• i know i would be a decent mom, but i don't know if i would be a happy mom. The fact you can't undo this choice is really frightening
• the huge stress of it all. I'm prone to anxiety and i know it would be 100x worse if i had a helpless creature depending on me. I'd be a mess over all dangers real and imaginary. I see it in my mom and i'm afraid i'd be an equally anxious parent
• i struggle with the ethics of bringing a child into the world only to experience the devastating effects of climate change. The next generation will experience horrible things. The world is going to shit and it would be cruel to subject someone to that.

So i guess the cons outnumber the pros still. Waiting for that biological urge to kick in and override the logic, but no sign so far

Someone once said that unless you have a deep yearning, something akin to even a desperation for children don't do it because the trials and tribulations of parenthood aren't easy. Of course it's not all bad but the bad bits however minor they seem can really be the undoing of a person.

@RogersVideo

I always thought I'd have children, just because having a family seemed like a nice thing to do. I was never broody per se.

So I had them. And I hate it. Life is slog now. I've lost myself completely (Im a SAHM). I have been on antidepressants for 2 years now and cannot come off them without relapsing into depression.

Honestly everything about our life is worse. Our house is always a mess. My things get ruined and broken. Going out is hard work, and results in much whining from at least one kid whatever we do. My husband and I rarely spend quality time together, and never have sex. We are so so tired all the time and just fall asleep anytime we are away from the kids. I don't have the energy to take care of myself so am now fat and frumpy.

My kids are 3 and 5 and realistically I know it will get better. But these past 5 years have been the worst of my life.

I know that if I hadn't had kids I would have always wondered what if. And maybe in 5 years I will be able to feel that having kids was the right decision. But right now, while I'm in the thick of it, I regret it.

Out of nothing other than curiosity, could I ask why you decided to have a second?

I never had the urge but at 30 and being with DH for ten years we took the plunge and had two within 2.5 years. It is the absolute best thing we have ever done, despite next to no family help. All my favourite most memorable life moments since have included my DC. And I say that as someone who had many an exotic holiday etc beforehand.
They're now late teens. What's made it easier is having plenty of disposable income to outsource lots of the early years to childcare, and a strong marriage.

@sittingonacornflake beat me to it. I too would be genuinely interested to know why you decided to have a second child, @RogersVideo.

Sod it - I just wrote a massive post and it disappeared just as I was about to press send.

The short version is I could have written the OP, took the plunge, now have two school aged DC and they are the best thing that ever happened to me.

I could’ve written your post too OP. Currently sitting under my three-month old. It’s early days, but our main driver was being unable to imagine life in the years ahead without a family. Neither of us are baby people and it’s been an adjustment (goodbye free time!), but this time last year I felt like something was missing. Hoping it was the right choice! We have lots of family support and that’s been a godsend. I can’t imagine doing it without a good support network, whether that’s family, friends or paid help.

Out of nothing other than curiosity, could I ask why you decided to have a second

Sure. Having only one was never considered tbh. I can't imagine my childhood without my sisters, and growing up I never knew anyone who was an only child. It's just a bit of an alien concept. Just after my DD's first birthday we were actually in a fairly good place and I quickly became pregnant with number 2. So there's less than 2 years between the kids and they do entertain each other lots. I don't actually regret having two - I regret having children at all but if I'm going to have them might as well have two IYSWIM.

Hi OP I was in your boat and I am who started one of the recent threads about regret.

I have been on the fence forever and still am - but decided to TTC anyway.

I made the decision to have kids because I just cannot imagine living another 50 years potentially with life similar to how it is now. I want someone/something else to focus my energy and get joy from.

I could have written your post as I am worried as hell to lose my freedom and sleep but I have decided it's worth it.

I don't have the biological calling people talk about at all. My decision has been based on the above reason. I want my older years to be filled with adults who I have developed and helped guide through the world. I don't want to grow old and grey just me and DH. I love him to bits but that seems a little boring!

I want fun filled times with kids and to enjoy all of those things again and have them to focus on.

I don't know if my decision is right but I've made it! I may regret it but for now - I feel having kids is the right thing to do.

I think I'd regret it if I didn't, it's a major life experience and I would not feel right dying without having the experience.

And I'm now having trouble conceiving hence my username! Which has made me want it that but more. I guess you always want what you can't have!

@VladmirsPoutine

Someone once said that unless you have a deep yearning, something akin to even a desperation for children don't do it because the trials and tribulations of parenthood aren't easy. Of course it's not all bad but the bad bits however minor they seem can really be the undoing of a person.

Have a read of the thread I started asking those who were on the fence or didn't want kids if they regret it.

An overwhelming number of them said they don't regret it so I completely disagree with this.

I think people on the fence are less shocked by the bad parts and therefore enjoy it kore whereas those who desperately want kids seem to be kore likely to regret / perhaps rose tinted spectacles?

I don't know but there does seem to be a trend. And it's a trend with people I know IRL too.

I was a bit like you, loved my holidays, love sleep (still do) and was never broody. I suppose I had a child because I always thought I'd want one and it seemed the next thing to do, we had bought a house and both had stable jobs.

There are aspects of my "old" life which I miss like spontaneous trips or staying in bed til midday but I wouldnt change my DS for the world. He is bloody hard work and every waking moment is hard work and sometimes what can only described as torture. This little human is completely and utterly dependent on you and its not a feeling I can put into words really, you just get this overwhelming urge to provide and love them unconditionally.

With regards to marriage/partner issues I cant say we have had any really. We work together as a team, obviously dont agree all the time on each other's parenting ways but we are learning, weve never done this before. My DP is massively supportive with our son, he has no issues with me going for a night out with friends or having a 2 hour nap on an afternoon and vice versa. We dont have any family nearby and our own parents can't physically look after a toddler anyway.

You cant compare other peoples kids to you own either, zero comparison. Other people's kids irritated me before I had my own and they still do now.

Having said all of this I'm not sure we will go for number two, I think I'd probably go mad😂

I think people on the fence are less shocked by the bad parts and therefore enjoy it kore whereas those who desperately want kids seem to be kore likely to regret / perhaps rose tinted spectacles?

I don’t know whether this is generally true but I fully expected it to be awful, right up until the day I gave birth I thought it might be the worst mistake I ever made.

And I’m not going to lie, the newborn days particularly were hard. My first particularly was not an easy baby, had lots of feeding issues, didn’t sleep, I think I had undiagnosed PND. It can be pretty damn relentless. But I still remember saying when was 3 months old I wish I could rewind time and live through it all again (I can only assume I was delusional with sleep deprivation!). It’s a cliche but the whole miracle of giving life to a new human being that you love unconditionally really did cancel out all of the shit stuff.

Even now they’re school age I still say to DH ‘look at these people we made!’

@RogersVideo

Out of nothing other than curiosity, could I ask why you decided to have a second

Sure. Having only one was never considered tbh. I can't imagine my childhood without my sisters, and growing up I never knew anyone who was an only child. It's just a bit of an alien concept. Just after my DD's first birthday we were actually in a fairly good place and I quickly became pregnant with number 2. So there's less than 2 years between the kids and they do entertain each other lots. I don't actually regret having two - I regret having children at all but if I'm going to have them might as well have two IYSWIM.

Yes that makes sense. Thank you for explaining!

What is worse, having a child I regret, or not having a child and regretting it?

This is the reason I stopped at 2. I do miss the child(ren) that never was most days.

Thanks for your thoughts everyone, it's a very complex topic so I thought people in a similar position might find it beneficial to talk it through. It's also interesting to hear from people who did take the plunge, though there's not necessarily a conclusive answer around regret since everyone's experience is different - this is precisely what scares me, that you just don't know what experience you'll have and how you'll feel about it.

@ScottishNewbie That's a good summary, we also lean slightly towards not having kids because honestly, life is pretty good right now. I feel like we have a lot to lose and the 'gain' is very uncertain. But it does keep me up at night and we aren't any closer to forming a conclusion!

@ttcissoboring, I totally get what you're saying about it being a major life experience. I also feel the years stretching out in front of me if we weren't going to have children. One of my friends who is a mother told me she sees her children as a long-term project - she finds the early years very challenging, but she's hopeful that they will enrich her life in the years to come and reminded me that the early years are fairly short in the scheme of things. I thought that was a good way of viewing it, and as an adult I love the relationship I have with my parents, so that would be a motivation for me. But I've also seen parents grapple with adult children who have absolutely broken their hearts one way or another, so there's that too. What was the deciding moment for you to begin to TTC?

@addictedtotheflats I know what you mean about having children being the thing that you just do at a certain age - I'm feeling that a lot at the moment. But I wonder if that's because we don't have a clear template of what childfree life looks like? I know a few childfree people, and their lives do look quite free and enjoyable, but I'm not sure if that freedom would fulfill me in the longer term. But then again, children might very well not give me fulfillment either, though it does seem that 'urge' to look after them kicks in for most people, as it did for you! And the idea of stopping at one is always there too. That's something that gives me comfort, if we were to go down that path.

@Urghhhhh Your list is very similar to mine. I'm also an introvert who gets drained from being around people and noise, and I also worry about the state of the world and bringing a child into it. The pros all seem to be quite uncertain and not guaranteed, while the cons seem a lot more likely to occur - who escapes having children with no/minimal impacts to their body and mental health?

But I've concluded that if I do have children it won't be because of a rational risk and benefits analysis, because I can't see the benefits outweighing the risks - it would be for a life experience and an opportunity to grow and give love, and I'd have to accept whatever comes from that.

@DeathOnTheNile I suppose early thirties when it occurred that my eggs are disappearing and once they're gone they're gone!!

I'm mid thirties now 35 and I hope to have children before 40 with luck.

I appreciate there are no guarantees adult children will be around as you mention but I feel it's better to have tried than have non around at all because I didn't try if that makes sense.

It's all a risk really but like I said the main motivation for me is life like is now until I die doesn't sound appealing. I lack purpose a lot and I think children provides in part that.

I have a very good career and other interests so I'm not worried about becoming a martyr either but I would just like to have that as a focus in my life.

I also am keen because DH appears to make a very good father and financially are very comfortable to pay for a nanny if needed, sleep nurse, babysitting - whatever necessary to remain sane! If this wasn't the case I would maybe remain childfree (I hope that doesn't sound shallow and hope you understand what I mean! I just don't want parenthood to be one big struggle, the experience doesn't appeal to me enough to do that).

I’m an introvert too and did find that a worry. I think in that respect my relationship with DH has perhaps suffered a bit, as after a day of being ‘on’ with work and then with the DC, I find I often need to do ‘off’ when it gets to the evening. But in other respects i think having children has strengthened our relationship - having a shared genetic legacy is really powerful. I think I have a stronger overall commitment to him now, even if day to day can be more challenging.

It is hard, I completely relate. For me I think I always had a sense that if I imagined being 80 and looking back on my life, I would imagine having had children. I really just assumed broodiness would kick in at some point and it didn’t - I never got to the point that it felt like the right time, or that I wanted to sacrifice my current lifestyle. I just hit the point where I got to 35 and thought ‘we either have to do this now or it’s never going to happen’.

I think if I hadn’t had a kind of abstract sense of it being something that would be part of fulfilling my purpose, I wouldn’t have done it. I think you make a good point though that we lack a clear alternative path to a meaningful, fulfilling life.

Hi Op, I could have written your posts. I'm mid-30s, and have never felt broody, but just assumed that by this age I'd be ready for kids. But I'm here now and still just have absolutely no desire for them! It's the unknown of a childfree future and being incredibly close to my own family (and not having that when I'm older) which keeps me on the fence (albeit, leaning firmly towards childfree!)

I think a significant number of women in their 30s feel like this. I have a few friends with the same dilemma.

I'm terrified of pregnancy, birth injuries, losing my independence, wrecking my marriage, and not having any time for myself. But I actually think it's highly unlikely I would regret having kids if I did have them - I think I'm the sort of person who just gets on with the life I've been given rather than ruminating on past choices, and in that respect, I also don't think I'd regret not having them. It would just be a different life, and there's no possible way of knowing how the other life would pan out.