A thread for people trying to decide whether to have children or not

[DeathOnTheNile]

Recently, there have been a whole bunch of threads about children and regret, and it's been great to hear from both the perspective of people who chose to have children and those who didn't. But it occurred to me that there must be people like me who are still trying to work through the decision to have children or not, and it might be useful to get a thread going?

So, me: early 30s, married for several years. Both DH and I are in professional jobs, with me earning a little more than him but both of on us on decent-ish incomes. We don't own our own home yet because we've moved around a fair bit for work, but we're looking to buy in the next 6 months or so and have a fair bit of money saved up.

Having kids was always one of those things I thought I'd feel like doing at some distant point in the future, but I never gave much thought to the specifics of it, nor was I ever broody - and I'm still not! If DH really wanted a baby I'd agree and vice versa, but we're both pretty indifferent/unsure. My main concerns around having children are the obvious ones like fears around not getting any time to myself, losing my identity, the impact it'll have on my body and our marriage. Plus, we both love our sleep and holidays! I love having a quiet, clean home, and when I spend time with children they do irritate/tire me out immensely. The irreversible nature of having children is what frightens me the most, frankly - every other decision in life can be reversed except this one. I can leave my marriage, change my career, change anything at all, but I couldn't ever change my decision to have a child if I went down that path. That's absolutely terrifying to me.

On the other hand, I look at the large family I grew up in and I see what comfort and joy my parents get from having their children and grandchildren around them. Obviously I know that having children doesn't guarantee that outcome (I've seen people around me lose children and also have their children move far away from them), but a part of me does worry about what my life would look like in my later years if I never had children. I also worry about regret if I never took that step, but I am well aware I could regret having children too! I know DH would be a fantastic father and we would also have family support, but that still doesn't spark any particular desire in me to have a child, just factors I know might make it easier if we did.

Anyone else in the same boat? Although realistically I know we have a few years to think about it, I do feel like it's a niggle that will never go away until we decide one way or another.

I accidentally got pregnant at 32. I wasn’t in a stable relationship and things were pretty bleak. I had ante natal depression and really worried about what the future would look like. Having my eldest daughter changed my life in such a positive way. Maybe it was because like a pp said I had zero expectations of having a child and expected it to be awful but I was completely overwhelmed with joy when she was born. There was a lack of sleep in the early days but I honestly loved motherhood from the off. I’ve read these other threads about parental regret and feel so sorry for the relentless awfulness they describe, I know from some friends they this does seem to be their reality. I was really lucky and have found parenthood to be by far thr most fulfilling part of my life. I’ve been lucky and have had three fairly easy going children—-there is so much out of your control with having kids. My relationship was made by parenthood…it forced us together and actually my partner is a great dad , we still have sex and I still work full time—it’s not inevitable that you completely lose your identity. I just wanted to add a bit of balance that being a parent isn’t always awful!

Me and DP very much decided not. I’m terrified of birth injuries, we have a lovely life on two decent but not huge incomes and both love a big Friday on the beer… not ready to give that up

@MilloMay It's interesting that you know of women grappling with this issue too. I personally don't have any friends who are struggling with whether to have children or not, which is partly why I started this thread! Of my friends in relationships, they all either want/wanted to have children or have a partner who really wanted children and they went along with that because they weren't strongly opposed to it. My closest single friend longs desperately to be a mother, and I sometimes feel terrible that while she laments the lack of opportunity to have a child with a partner, I'm in a decent position to be able to have children and I don't want to! I do have a couple of friends who had unplanned pregnancies and had very mixed feelings about it at the time, but they both are pretty happy with it now.

I agree that there's probably nothing to regret either way - they are such different paths and both have their challenges and joys. I suppose though when all you've known is childfree life, you can't necessarily miss what you don't have.

I've always thought that if you don't know if you want children, then you don't want children.
It's such a massive thing that it has to be an active and positive decision, if you don't feel a strong desire, you don't want it.

@ManifestDestinee

I've always thought that if you don't know if you want children, then you don't want children. It's such a massive thing that it has to be an active and positive decision, if you don't feel a strong desire, you don't want it.

Sure, but is the reverse also true? A strong emotional longing to have a child doesn't mean that the person has realistically considered what it would be like and that they'll be a happy parent. The reality of it might hit them like a ton of bricks. What you wanted and how you feel when you get there might be two very different things.

Sure, but is the reverse also true? A strong emotional longing to have a child doesn't mean that the person has realistically considered what it would be like and that they'll be a happy parent. The reality of it might hit them like a ton of bricks. What you wanted and how you feel when you get there might be two very different things

Well obviously. But an actual desire to want it has to be the better starting point than "meh, might as well have a shot, I'm doing nothing else"

I would honestly say unless it's something you 100% want then don't do it.

First of all, pregnancy and birth have ruined my body. Ruined it. I didn't realise how much I would loathe my post baby body, I didn't even think it was possible to hate yourself this much. I remember before having dc listening to a friend complain about how she would need to spend thousands of pounds and go through gruelling surgery just to look remotely like pre baby, and I really didn't get it. Now I do.

My vagina has been destroyed. I have already had one lot of surgery to repair the damage done but it's nowhere like pre dc, and I will need more surgery in future. But even a C section can cause issues so don't think by having an ELCS you will be unscathed. So goodbye sex life.

And the relentlessness of parenting...I cant even begin to describe. There is no rest, no break, no time off. Even when DC are out or at school there's a mountain of housework to be done, and the mental load is enormous.

I don't have any time for myself. Ever. No hobbies, no interests. I don't even have time to watch anything that i like on TV. I must be such a boring fucker to talk to because I literally have nothing to say or talk about.

My elder sister has decided not to have DC after she has witnessed the effect it's had on me, and how much my life has changed. Of course I love them to bits, they are my pride and joy. But I can't stress to you enough just how hard it is. But it's one of those things, until you experience it for yourself you just don't realise. I for one didn't think it would be this hard! I thought people were exaggerating.

It's a risk isn't it. You don't know how your pregnancy and birth will be and there's only so much you can do to influence these things, you don't know what kind of baby/child/teenager/adult you'll get, whether they might have disabilities or SEN or health issues, or just a difficult personality. You don't know how you or your partner will react to being a parent, how your relationship will cope, and you can't guarantee that you'll enjoy your children as adults - they might emigrate, die before you, go no contact etc.

The thought of having kids to me is like walking off the edge of a cliff blindfolded, with no idea what's below. I think if you don't have the broodiness, it's very easy to fall into making a pros and cons list, but with kids, I'm not sure that it's really that black and white!

I spent my whole pregnancy asking "why am I doing this?" I worried about not being a good mum, spoiling my life, relationship with DP changing.

When DS1 arrived I spent an entire night in hospital crying with sheer joy thanking God (I have never been religious) for him.

On my death bed, if someone asks what I have done with my life, I would say I had two boys. And it was one hell of a ride!

For the record I'm child free and too old to have any now but I just never felt the urge for DC and was always a bit mystified by how much some people would go through to be a parent. I've no regrets, you can live a happy life without DC , you find other ways to contribute to society.
I think a lot of people are like you @DeathOnTheNile because this is what everyone seems to expect, if you're in a good relationship and have a home of your own then DC are the next step, people start asking when you'll have them (not if, you notice)and it's surprizing how many people won't take no for an answer, if they did it, so should you.
It's truly sad but the people who seem to regret/find parenthood really hard are the ones who always wanted a baby, totally set on DC from their own childhood. I think some have such an unrealistic, shiny, fluffy
view of how it will be that the real thing comes as a nasty surprize.
If you're not that keen why not just wait and see you , you still have time

I was never sure about having children and didn’t even like them much really. But somehow I didn’t want to not have them, if that makes sense.

I found the baby years quite rubbish and the lack of sleep horrific but they are still the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. It’s like adding a whole new dimension to life.

I agree with PPs that it’s better to have misgivings about something that is sure to be a mixed experience. Approaching it with rose tinted specs on is a bad idea.

I like children now, BTW, even other people’s.

I agree with the view that unless you really want children you shouldn't have them.

In my case, I thought I would probably want them at some point, but it wasn't until I was about 34 that I knew I really did. I had my first at 36 and the second a couple of years later.

When my babies arrived my body, my mind, my lifestyle were totally battered, my solid ten year marriage was shook and oh my god the lack of sleep!

The early days were tough going but by far my children are the best thing that's ever happened to me! The joy, pride, happiness and deep love my husband and I feel makes it all worth while - we would do anything for our two.

I'm relieved I had them late 20s as now at 37 as friends are having their firsts I am too content/stuck in my ways and i would NOT cope with the sleeplessness.

I agree that urge to have children is what would make up my mind.

Imagine taking a drug that once you take is constantly in your mind, in the space between pleasure and pain, a responsibility to be bourne.

Once you've had it, even when it makes you feel awful you are driven to go back to it. Having it can feel better than anything you've ever felt before. You have conversations you never thought you'd have and notice things that never bothered you before. You change.

My love for my DC is constant even when there us drudgery, exhaustion and pain. However, if I hadn't had them I assume I would not at all miss the drug that I had not tried. As I have them I am happily addicted.

@SummerHouse

I spent my whole pregnancy asking "why am I doing this?" I worried about not being a good mum, spoiling my life, relationship with DP changing.

When DS1 arrived I spent an entire night in hospital crying with sheer joy thanking God (I have never been religious) for him.

On my death bed, if someone asks what I have done with my life, I would say I had two boys. And it was one hell of a ride!

Ha I could have written this!

Also really relate to @Enough4me ‘s analogy.

It is just a total mindset change. I remember talking to couple with young DC before we had ours, who had gone out for their first post-DC date night. “What did you talk about?” I asked them. “The kids, mostly” they replied. I remember thinking this was utterly tragic. And now I feel sorry for people who don’t have DC as I wonder what on earth they have of significance in their lives to talk about!

Op you've pretty much articulated my many thought processes before we had kids. Do you know, I wasn't completely sure. And thought I'd made a massive mistake for the first month or so.

There are way more pros than I thought! But also, way more cons but having had two, I wouldn't change it. 2 is brilliant, after the hard slog of the early years is out of the way they (currently) entertain each other and I love them to bits.

It's fascinating watching them grow.

It won't be everyone's view, but if you're in a place to have them and decide to, doing it younger will make a difference imo. I feel so old now, couldn't contemplate baby years at my age.

Other people's children are generally a bit annoying but when yours do the same stuff it's endearing, there's lots of double standards

Regarding the risk to a perfectly good marriage, I think finding a man who wants kids is important. You're way more likely to lose yourself, have no time for your own hobbies, generally feel like you're bottom of the pile if you are doing 100% of the childcare related crap. If you're both doing your bit then a) one of you doesn't end up totally drained and resentful and b) you're a team against the children!

Remember you’re only as happy as your unhappiest child… the worry and anguish doesn’t go away when they get a bit older. You feel their struggles much more intensely than you feel your own. They do of course bring joy, but also a whole lot of misery. Also, the biggest thing you can do for environmental issues… is not have children. I say this as the mother of 2 children who are now grown up. I just accepted that it was the next stage in life. Get married, have children. If I’d actually considered all the options, I’m not what I’d have done. It really does feel like a life long commitment because that’s exactly what it is.

Joining as I could have written the OP. I’m 29, have a good job, been with DH ten years and we own a lovely house. We’ve kind of agreed we will decide when im 31, but I have PCOS so conscious it may take longer if we do decide to go for it.

None of my friends have kids yet and I really really don’t like spending time with family kids (DHs family). My pros / cons are

Pros
I do get the urge sometimes and love the idea of a family with kids age 6 plus (however in this picture it’s happy, NT kids).
I like the idea of a different purpose, my life is a bit, vapid? I work, eat out, have lie ins, go on holidays and that’s it.
When I think about when I’m happiest, it’s when I’m with DH or my pets. Children could add to that. I have a good job but it doesn’t give me any purpose.

Cons
Financial stretch - we can afford it, but we’d need a bigger house, childcare etc.
Health implications
The unknown!!
I could not deal with a disabled child

I just don’t know how anyone ever decides?!? Having said that, I did a pregnancy test today and was a little disappointed it was negative….. albeit I might just be craving something new rather than a child iyswim

@Urghhhhh

This is sooo relatable. I've never felt an inkling towards motherhood and troughout the better part of my 20s i was convinced i was on the childfree side of the debate. But now that i'm days away from turning 30 and finally in a stable relationship with someone who would make a great dad and coparent, i'm really starting to feel the pressure of deciding before time runs out. It was all hypotethical until now, but getting on the other side of 30 feels so claustrophobic in having to make a conscious definitive call on the issue. It doesn't help that my partner is equally on the fence. I keep turning it over in my head and this is what i come up with:

PROS:

• support and companionship in my later years (though not guaranteed)
• a sense of purpose beyond myself
• personal growth and getting to experience the joys of life through their fresh eyes
• a sense of challenge and diversity and accomplishment in an otherwise perfectly boring life
• it would bring a lot of joy to my parents and I could count on them for support

CONS:

• the risks to my mental and physical health. I would never put myself willingly through vaginal childbirth, but even with a csection nothing is guaranteed. I would really rather not deal with hemorroids and incontinence
• i'm not ready to risk having a child with severe special needs. It would destroy me. And there's only so many precautions you can take and tests to do in pregnancy. Autism for example is a huge fear of mine
• i'm an introvert. I don't think i'd do well with kids climbing all over me and demanding my attention 24/7. I need my quiet alone time to function properly

- i've gotten to experience the good life and there's just so much to give up now. Had i had a baby straight out of uni maybe it would have been different. But now i'm used to my quiet and tidy house, my free time, my undisturbed quality time with my partner, my disposable income. It would be such a huge adjustment

• i know i would be a decent mom, but i don't know if i would be a happy mom. The fact you can't undo this choice is really frightening
• the huge stress of it all. I'm prone to anxiety and i know it would be 100x worse if i had a helpless creature depending on me. I'd be a mess over all dangers real and imaginary. I see it in my mom and i'm afraid i'd be an equally anxious parent
• i struggle with the ethics of bringing a child into the world only to experience the devastating effects of climate change. The next generation will experience horrible things. The world is going to shit and it would be cruel to subject someone to that.

So i guess the cons outnumber the pros still. Waiting for that biological urge to kick in and override the logic, but no sign so far

This is actually spooky - every detail of this post is exactly how i feel! Especially the parts about childbirth and anxious parenting.

Those threads about regret recently prompted me and DH to have an overdue conversation about it. I had a very short lived broody thought a few years ago and said I potentially wanted a child in the future, he said he was up for it if I wanted to but didn’t feel any real urge.

I’m turning 35 this year and I’m feeling the societal pressure even though I know I would be a terrible parent. The only pros for me are that I love babies and my parents/in-laws would be very happy. The con list is huge.

So we had a huge conversation and have decided 99.9% that we are not doing the baby thing and we got a got a dog.

I’m 39, been with DH 15 years and married 10. We always thought we’d have kids but every year there was something else we wanted to do. Then we talked about it one day and realised neither of us was that bothered. If we really wanted kids we’d have done it by now. We do wonder what our kids would be like, but realistically the day to day aspect massively puts us off! We have a lovely home, 2 cats and money to do as we please. So far we are very happy and I’m hoping that won’t change!

I’m 34, no kids and pretty sure I won’t be having any. I went through a very short blip a few years ago when I thought I did want a child but it was very short-lived and didn’t feel right at all when we started to talk about baby stuff and all the practicalities etc. The truth is, I’m sure I’m one of those people who are just not meant to have kids, which I’m perfectly fine with, and it might sound weird but I’m really looking forward to my child-free future life!

I feel like if I keep waiting for an urge to have children, I'll likely never have them. Of course, I might have a lightbulb moment at some point but it seems pretty unlikely! I'm not sure what the correct option is for those without an urge, but I'm not convinced that having an urge to have them really has any bearing on the experience. In fact, my expectations are so low and my feelings are pretty negative, so I might be pleasantly surprised? Or at least not entirely shocked by the awfulness of it all

On the other hand, I had a long chat with a friend of mine today who has a toddler and another on the way, and her life to me seems like such a hard one. I got off the phone and felt so grateful to have the afternoon to myself to do absolutely nothing! I don't think I've ever felt envious of my friends who have children, not for a moment.