A thread for people trying to decide whether to have children or not

[DeathOnTheNile]

Recently, there have been a whole bunch of threads about children and regret, and it's been great to hear from both the perspective of people who chose to have children and those who didn't. But it occurred to me that there must be people like me who are still trying to work through the decision to have children or not, and it might be useful to get a thread going?

So, me: early 30s, married for several years. Both DH and I are in professional jobs, with me earning a little more than him but both of on us on decent-ish incomes. We don't own our own home yet because we've moved around a fair bit for work, but we're looking to buy in the next 6 months or so and have a fair bit of money saved up.

Having kids was always one of those things I thought I'd feel like doing at some distant point in the future, but I never gave much thought to the specifics of it, nor was I ever broody - and I'm still not! If DH really wanted a baby I'd agree and vice versa, but we're both pretty indifferent/unsure. My main concerns around having children are the obvious ones like fears around not getting any time to myself, losing my identity, the impact it'll have on my body and our marriage. Plus, we both love our sleep and holidays! I love having a quiet, clean home, and when I spend time with children they do irritate/tire me out immensely. The irreversible nature of having children is what frightens me the most, frankly - every other decision in life can be reversed except this one. I can leave my marriage, change my career, change anything at all, but I couldn't ever change my decision to have a child if I went down that path. That's absolutely terrifying to me.

On the other hand, I look at the large family I grew up in and I see what comfort and joy my parents get from having their children and grandchildren around them. Obviously I know that having children doesn't guarantee that outcome (I've seen people around me lose children and also have their children move far away from them), but a part of me does worry about what my life would look like in my later years if I never had children. I also worry about regret if I never took that step, but I am well aware I could regret having children too! I know DH would be a fantastic father and we would also have family support, but that still doesn't spark any particular desire in me to have a child, just factors I know might make it easier if we did.

Anyone else in the same boat? Although realistically I know we have a few years to think about it, I do feel like it's a niggle that will never go away until we decide one way or another.

I knew I wanted to have a child the night my own parent died. It clarified my feelings that, in the end (for me) love and bonds to family are the most important thing. And the strength of love and pain I felt that night just made me know that having a family and building new bonds of love was what would heal some of that pain.

Addressing the point about loving sleep and loving a tidy house etc... I too loved those things pre-children. But they are not tangible things. Whilst they feel nice at the time of course, they didn't give me any great sense of achievement and the effects were short-lived.

When I look at my daughter there is a sense of contentment and pride that I never knew before having her. If we go out and have a good day in the fresh air and come home and she enjoys something I've cooked for her tea, and I wash the mud off her and tuck her up all snug, I get such a sense of wellbeing and contentment. Yes the kitchen is a mess, yes there's toys everywhere, yes I am juggling 100 things, but it feels like I've done a good job ensuring that she has had a good day. Her happiness has become my happiness. I feel good. And that feeling builds and builds. And as she ages and our conversations get more complex, I really enjoy the time with her.

The friends I have made because of her as well are very dear to me. Without her, I wouldn't have met so many people that have impacted upon my life for the better. I feel part of a community in a way I never did before.

It has been very hard at times and the constant illnesses, especially, are hard. But I feel like raising her has presented the type of challenges that have made me grow as a person. Raising a child forces you into uncomfortable places. It forces growth and change, and you look back on the years and realise you have emerged as a butterfly. With battered wings perhaps in places, but a different and more complex version of the person you were before.

@Snowpaw, while obviously you have every right to express your own sense of your own development since becoming a parent, your bit about having a child making you into a more complex version of who you were before does essentially suggest that non-parents are undeveloped because they haven’t been forced to ‘uncomfortable places’ and ‘growth and change’ by parenting, and are caterpillars to your butterfly…

It is such a dilemma.
Reading these posts has been the last 2-3 years of battles in my mind. I am waiting for the time to feel maternal, we have the life a child would love (or that I would have loved as a child). I'm worried about the next 20years and how that would feel if I don't have them... Or how to feel like I haven't "wasted my time" if we don't.
My partner works away for months at a time and I'm just not sure I'm emotionally able to keep it all together, but also wonder if it would fill that void.
Like many have said - we will never know the flip side until it's done.

I think the older you get the more aware you get of the freedoms you have and have enjoyed so it can feel like more to lose. I don't have children but think if I had my life again I'd prefer to have them quite young.

I always thought I would have a family, but I really struggled to align having a stable job I enjoyed at a good level, with having a decent partner at the same time. By the time I had the former, I got diagnosed with a sudden serious illness in my mid 30s.

That's the thing really, you just don't know what curve balls life might throw at you in future.

I genuinely don't know what I feel or think about the long term future - hopefully I will have a partner, and be able to stay in good health. I haven't ruled out doing fostering.
Location of where to live is important - somewhere I really like with quite a lot going on that I can get involved with, ideally near some existing friends. I'd have to build my own family of friends - waifs and strays can all come together at mine.

I posted on this thread years ago and I’m interested in whether anyone who was on the fence decided to go ahead and have kids and how they’re finding it. I’ve been ttc but diagnosed with a gynaecological disorder which may take the decision to have kids out of my hands

Having children has been the hardest but by far the most meaningful, rewarding and wonderful thing I’ve ever done. The deep bonds of love and connection between family are the most importamt part of my life, both with my own parents, siblings and with my own children. Whatever sacrifices I’ve made for my children, what they give back is worth a million times that to me.
However, I always wanted children and knew that motherhood was for me. Everyone has their own priorities and passions in life - if motherhood isn’t yours then it’s just as wonderful to choose whatever does feel meaningful and fulfilling to you. I would never want my children to have children unless it was something they truly wanted - I’d always want them to follow their hearts and find happiness in whatever way suits them best.

Not quite what you were asking but I also posted on this thread 4 years ago when I was on the fence, and now I'm 40 and didn't go ahead with kids. I have to say, it's become much easier now that I'm that bit older and I always had 40 in my mind as an absolute cut off, so I feel much more at peace with my decision.

'I have to say, it's become much easier now that I'm that bit older'

Completely agree with this. I'm nearly 46 and more relieved with every passing month that I didn't have children. I struggled massively with ambivalence for many years and felt a huge sense of loss, but I knew deep down that parenthood was not for me. I am so grateful now for my freedom and independence. I have a niece and nephew and my relationship with them is a total joy and has been extremely healing