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Original poster

Caring for neighbours baby? Am I mad?

120 replies

SophieHMS · 01/09/2021 14:08

Short version:
Should I offer to look after my neighbours' baby regularly? Am I mad? What issues might come up? I don't need money ... happy to do it for free.

Long version
I have adorable neighbours. They are finally pregnant after lots of trying. Baby due early spring. Hooray!!

They both work FT in the music industry- late nights long days etc.
Both sets of grandparents live miles away and one set are v elderly.

I am late 50s, had own DC late so not a sniff of grandchildren for a decade or more. My DC live independent lives miles away now. I retired at 50 amazingly lucky financially.

Neighbours need child care and are starting to explore their options.

I want to offer to have the baby say two days a week - set days ideally, maybe weekends as they both work weekends a lot.

I had twins so one baby should be a walk in the park (I imagine).

Would I be mad to suggest this? Is it too "intimate" for neighbours? We are vv friendly and supportive, the whole street is a friendly place. What might the pitfalls be? Should I take money and maybe save it for their child? I don't need money.

OP posts:

LindaEllen · 02/09/2021 09:48

@Megan2018

You can’t take money, you have to be registered to do that. I really wouldn’t, you have no idea how they will parents vs you and it could go sour very fast. But being available to help on occasion-childcare crises etc would be appropriate.

Really? So all the teenagers who've looked after neighbours' kids for decades have been registered have they?

mynameisbrian · 02/09/2021 09:48

OMG they are only pregnant....not even had the baby. I think you need to back away as if my neighbour had started offering DC before my baby was born I would back away as it is really odd...wait until there baby arrives and leave them to do any asking if they would want any help from you. You have made a number of assumptions about their parents too.

BestZebbie · 02/09/2021 09:54

You will scare them off from even the friendly relationship you have now if you suggest taking their much-longed-for baby to your house two days a week before it is even born.
If I were you, I'd re-read the "My Naughty Little Sister" books and aim to be the beloved neighbour from that (who does an occasional couple of hours "minding" with a fancy tea-party if the mother has an errand and lets the children visit her garden for a cup of hot chocolate if they are playing out but isn't their childminder).

Interested in this thread?

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Families

Gothichouse40 · 02/09/2021 09:56

I definitely would not do this. What starts out as a fixed arrangement will very quickly become unsociable hours, especially in the music industry. What happens when they go on tour? Im really surprised by the amount of people that get this involved with their neighbours. Ive seen so many relationships soured between neighbours, due to folk getting far too involved in other neighbours business/lives. Babies and toddlers are extremely tiring. I look after one grandchild and much as I love them, it's tiring and a big commitment.

BikeRunSki · 02/09/2021 10:00

@SophieHMS, ad hoc cover and evening babysitting is exactly what I would have asked for at that stage. Until last month I had no local family (DM moved 0.5 miles away recently, dc are very nearly 10 and 13), and whilst we paid a good price for weekday childcare, there was nothing at all available out of “office hours” and no one we knew well enough, and who didn’t work, for emergency cover.

Youarethecurry · 02/09/2021 10:04

It's really up to your neighbours to sort out childcare for their own kid. I'd leave it on a friendly, 'I'm always here in a crisis' basis. For all you know, they might reduce or change their own working arrangements to fit around the child.

You do sound as if you would make an ideal foster carer though, those children really need someone with no ties to step in at the last moment.

Granllanog · 02/09/2021 10:08

Be on hand for ad hoc childcare and as an emergency backup. I think it would be a mistake to enter into a fixed agreement.

EspressoDoubleShot · 02/09/2021 10:14

They chose to have a baby they need to sort and pay for adequate childcare. With best intentions the woman next door isn’t a day to day option. Help out occasionally but you surely do not mean you’ll watch baby Full time to accommodate two FT workers? It’s too onerous and I’m questioning your motives, what’s in it for you.

Let them source a baby room and make life adjustments they need to make as parents. That inc they need to adjust work patterns

LincolnshireLassInLondon · 02/09/2021 10:18

Hi OP, you sound lovely! My mum, who is also lovely, did similar when she was in her 50s. She enjoyed it at first but then ended up feeling a bit taken advantage of and like she couldn't say no, which spoilt something that should have been a joy. I would echo PPs and say keep it casual and occasional and make sure it doesn't become expected.

titchy · 02/09/2021 10:18

Really? So all the teenagers who've looked after neighbours' kids for decades have been registered have they?

They don't need to be registered as long as they stay in your house. OP is talking about having the baby at her house and going out for the day. That would need to be registered.

Ugzbugz · 02/09/2021 10:20

@Angel2702

I don’t think you are allowed to provide regular childcare unpaid or not if you are not registered unless you are a family member.

Really? I've spent the lat god knows how many years having children before and after school and vice versa with other working parents so we could all work with no payment etc, just mates helping each other out whcih is exactly what she would be doing.

And no OP I wouldn't commit, do you have any hobbies or go away often etc?
Travel to see your own kids? If you make a commitment you can't just say oh I can't do x day as going away.

I would keep it casual.

LittleGwyneth · 02/09/2021 10:37

You sound lovely and you're getting a weirdly hard time on here! I think it would be lovely to offer some regular babysitting and then see if they feel able to take you up on it.

annacondom · 02/09/2021 10:42

You sound lovely, OP. I gave up work when my twins were born and really struggled when DP went back to work. My neighbour, Debbie, was a life-saver, taking them to hers while I took the dog out/had a sleep. This was maybe once or twice a week. But the onus was always on me to ring her when I wanted her help. Be a Debbie! At least, keep it informal at first until things settle.

PaddleBoardingMomma · 02/09/2021 10:52

As someone who is separated from their parents for childcare by a 6 hour journey and the Irish Sea... I'd think it was a lovely, generous and kind offer of help if I were your neighbours! You're lovely for thinking of them, I suppose all you can do is casually float the idea to them and see how they feel? New parents (as I'm sure you know!) are very precious about their first born babies, with my first I didn't let her out my sight until she was maybe a year old! This time round with a 3 week old I'd bite your hand off for the help! X

MrsR87 · 02/09/2021 10:55

We are in the position of your neighbours. Have a nine month old and no family nearby to help. We also work long hours full time and although it makes me a little sad, I’ve made peace with the fact that he will be in nursery every day.

What we would appreciate that we don’t have is someone to have him for the odd evening so we could go out/spend time as a couple as we’ve only managed it once in nine months and would really appreciate being able to do it once every couple of months. It would also be nice to know someone was around and willing to have him in case of an emergency.

That’s as far as I would take your offer but I can assure you it will be very much appreciated.

IceLace100 · 02/09/2021 10:57

When we were kids my mum casually minded a baby for our minister and his wife (so was caring for 3 of her own under 9, one with ASD, plus a baby - mad woman).

It worked out really well and she very much enjoyed having a baby around again. I think the parent paid a token amount which was about minimum wage at the time.

I think it really depends on your character and theirs.

You could always offer to do 1 day and see how it goes? I'd ask for minimum wage though, or a "token" amount so you don't end up feeling hard done by. They will still make a saving. You could always invest the extra money for your kids or any future grandchildren you may have.

IceLace100 · 02/09/2021 10:59

Gosh people are being so negative on this thread...

EspressoDoubleShot · 02/09/2021 11:25

Not negative. Realistic
The parents need a bullet proof plan for the baby daycare. That’s not a friendly misguided neighbour
When baby arrives they need to adjust to that and adjust their lifestyle and jobs

Di11y · 02/09/2021 12:27

I would offer and hoc and evenings.

Goldbar · 02/09/2021 13:33

Tbh, the ad hoc childcare is likely to be the most valuable to the parents anyway. You can plan as well as you like, but when they stop the trains due to trespassers on the line or you need to stay late to attend an urgent meeting, having someone close to home is invaluable. It would have made all the difference to us.

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