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Original poster

Caring for neighbours baby? Am I mad?

120 replies

SophieHMS · 01/09/2021 14:08

Short version:
Should I offer to look after my neighbours' baby regularly? Am I mad? What issues might come up? I don't need money ... happy to do it for free.

Long version
I have adorable neighbours. They are finally pregnant after lots of trying. Baby due early spring. Hooray!!

They both work FT in the music industry- late nights long days etc.
Both sets of grandparents live miles away and one set are v elderly.

I am late 50s, had own DC late so not a sniff of grandchildren for a decade or more. My DC live independent lives miles away now. I retired at 50 amazingly lucky financially.

Neighbours need child care and are starting to explore their options.

I want to offer to have the baby say two days a week - set days ideally, maybe weekends as they both work weekends a lot.

I had twins so one baby should be a walk in the park (I imagine).

Would I be mad to suggest this? Is it too "intimate" for neighbours? We are vv friendly and supportive, the whole street is a friendly place. What might the pitfalls be? Should I take money and maybe save it for their child? I don't need money.

OP posts:
ditalini · 02/09/2021 07:41

Agree with previous replies - don't become part of their regular childcare routine. Firstly it's regulated for a reason, and secondly it's a huge tie for you that you might come to resent.

Be their emergency cover - that's what's great about having family close enough to step in. Pick up when they're running late, drop off when their schedule makes it tough, and hoc when they need a break, cover when baby is sick and can't go to nursery.

Justwantanewname · 02/09/2021 07:47

I see you’re already thinking the ad hoc option might be better. Just to add my tuppence worth: an ad hoc/emergency arrangement might also mean you are less likely to fall out. If you did get too close then fall out you might find it really hard if you are super attached to the baby so a more casual arrangement seems wise as you aren’t family so if they move much less likely to stay in touch

Jujujuly · 02/09/2021 07:50

Agree with all the others - offer emergency/back up. DH and I both work long and antisocial hours and don’t have family nearby. We are sorted for normal childcare but it’s the random stuff that js tough and where we wish we had family close - eg last minute nanny sick day, one of us running late at work, someone to take DD when DH and I both caught her vomiting bug at the same time, someone to have her for an hour or 2 so we could do a bit of DIY or pop to shops at the weekend etc etc. Having someone nearby to offer that kind of support would be amazing.

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Worried234 · 02/09/2021 07:53

Do NOT do this. Neighbours are best kept at arms length, in my experience. Way too many issues could crop up which might make things very awkward.

Longdistance · 02/09/2021 07:53

Yes to emergency back up or to babysit now and then, but not two full days.

Worried234 · 02/09/2021 07:55

Nannies are registered.

Bloodybridget · 02/09/2021 08:03

@Worried234 you do realise your experience of neighbours isn't everyone's, don't you? If we'd kept all our neighbours at arm's length we'd have missed out on some very important and rewarding friendships.
@SophieHMS I agree with others that offering occasional babysitting and emergency care would be great. Obviously you'd have a chat with them about their plans, then you'll know if there might be gaps you could fill, even maybe a regular slot. They would understand that there might be times you'd have to cancel, the same as grandparents who provide regular childcare.

Mrgrinch · 02/09/2021 08:08

You say that they are finally pregnant, this means that they've been trying for a baby but left it until now to think about childcare. That's really stupid given their jobs. I'd only offer emergency childcare.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 02/09/2021 08:08

No its not a good idea at all, don't do it. If anything at all went wrong it would ruin your neighbour relations.
If someone offered to look after my baby for free I'd be immediately suspicious of their motives and very concerned. You hear all sorts of horrible things now.
I think it would only work if you were a registered childminder and took money for your services.
Otherwise the occasional baby sitting if they want it.

RobinPenguins · 02/09/2021 08:08

It’s a lovely offer and I think the idea of offering to be able to help in emergencies is a good one but as a parent I wouldn’t want to rely on an arrangement with a neighbour like this.

My parents look after my DD one day a week but even that has started to be a bit difficult because they will book appointments on that day (or my dad arranges golf) and then aren’t available for the full day at short notice which causes problems for me with work. I’ve suggested many times that I put her in nursery for another day but they insist they love their day with her and would miss it if it stopped Hmm.

Formal childcare is much more reliable and usually working parents need that level of certainty.

C8H10N4O2 · 02/09/2021 08:20

@Worried234

Do NOT do this. Neighbours are best kept at arms length, in my experience. Way too many issues could crop up which might make things very awkward.
Neighbours are lifelong friends in my experience. It all depends on the neighbours.

That said this kind of arrangement is best kept to occasional and emergency rather than regular unless OP plans to register and run a childminding business.

soughsigh · 02/09/2021 08:22

My mum did this for her next door neighbour, I think they really appreciated it. I don't know if she did full days but she definitely did it on a regular basis. Maybe start small - offer to have baby for a few hours so that mum/dad can get a break while they are off work.

LowlyTheWorm · 02/09/2021 08:28

Honestly I think it’s a lovely idea and if money genuinely isn’t needed I would ask for a donation to be made to a chosen charity each time so that it’s not always free and they feel they’re contributing something.
I’d offer to fill the gap that regular childcare can’t- so if they have Late nights or need a sleep in the morning or the child dropped to childcare etc. Being a surrogate Grandma is a lovely idea and they’re lucky people to have you.

Mayhemmumma · 02/09/2021 08:36

You've had some unkind responses here when you're only trying to be nice.

Offer of emergency care as mentioned is more than enough.

sonsmum · 02/09/2021 08:36

I think you need to think about the insurance angle if you are going to do this regularly, ie. what if the baby gets seriously ill on your watch, or the growing toddler injures itself.
Would you really want to be tied at weekends? Is this fantasy arrangement to suit your neighbours need, or your own?!
You sound naieve. You have had twins, yet suspect one baby may be a walk in the park. You should be aware that no 2 babies are the same and that some babies can be extremely difficult. You know nothing about this one yet!
Can't you volunteer somewhere instead? You sound very caring and in need of being wanted/valued and can afford to volunteer where you reap so many rewards, just not financial ones.

Pearbear · 02/09/2021 08:40

It’s a lovely offer but they will probably be sorting out childcare themselves or maybe take a change in career to find work to fit nursery hours. I work as a nanny and nannies don’t have to be regulated, most are registered with Ofsted but it’s not compulsory so you could look after the baby in there home and not fall foul of any restrictions, caring for a child in your home for more than 2 hours a day is considered childminding and you need to be registered to do that.

SuseB · 02/09/2021 08:55

We live on a similar street with very friendly and supportive neighbours, all older than us with no children or grown up children. We have 3DC close in age. Over the years the neighbours have all stepped in to help us out at times - they've sat with the children while we went to parents' evening, looked after a couple of them while we took one to a hospital appointment, and once my neighbour drove me to A&E so DH could stay home with the kids. They feed our pets when we're away. In return I online shop for them, take in parcels, and DH fixes their technology... it has been absolutely invaluable and we value our relationships with all of them immensely. One neighbour agreed to be our extra emergency contact for nursery/school if DH and I were both at work and a DC needed picking up - never needed, but gave me peace of mind. All the GPs live over an hour's drive away. So I agree with others that this would be the ideal type of arrangement for both parties.

TomFuckery · 02/09/2021 09:09

I had this experience a couple of years ago but with a family member.
Suffice to say I don't talk to them now as they took the piss big time.
Offer to look after the baby if there's an emergency or if they fancy a night out etc but please don't commit yourself
Just don't do it

MooBoom · 02/09/2021 09:14

@SophieHMS You sound like such a nice person, I just wanted to start off by saying that. The fact that you’re thinking about it before they have even suggested it to you is very thoughtful. I think you could drop it in a convo or perhaps wait for them to approach you even? In regards to money, although you don’t need the money you could accept a very discounted rate purely because they may feel guilty if they don’t pay you. I know I would x

user1471462428 · 02/09/2021 09:17

Please do offer emergency care, my amazing neighbour offered a few years ago and I’ve only asked once but i don’t feel as lonely or scared knowing I have a supportive neighbour. I definitely will offer should I ever have neighbours with kids.

mdh2020 · 02/09/2021 09:26

I agree that the days when you could just offer to look after children are long gone. You need to be a registered childminder. I would say that you would be happy to babysit once a week or help them out in an emergency. You were presumably at lest 20 years younger when you had twins and looking after a baby, who will then become a toddler, is fun but exhausting. There is a reason why women over 50 can’t have babies. We get tired. Finally, you need to think about volunteering with a charity and joining the WI and U3A. You are clearly a very nice person and you should be out and about having an interesting life.

TatianaBis · 02/09/2021 09:31

What could possibly go wrong.

thebeatingofthedrums · 02/09/2021 09:36

@SophieHMS

As I said in OP, we have a great relationship- and that's both why I'd love to help them and also why I'm nervous about spoiling a good thing.

So many people saying offer emergency and ad hoc "cover", and that makes me think that's probably right. I can imagine how hard they might find it with all four grandparents hours away, and to know I'm always happy to step up for this or that would I'm sure be a relief to them and a pleasure for me. I walk their dog on the same basis so I guess it would make sense to offer that "now and again when stuck" support.

(I have a life thank you) I do also realise I'm very broody for grandchildren and might make less objective decisions because of that.

Thanks all - that's given me some better perspective.

I don't think you're mad, but I do think you feel like you're missing something (grandchildren).

You can't force your kids to have their own children, and they might not even want any, so I think you should find a way to fill that emotional void. You seem very generous with your time, and I'm sure there are many local children's charities who would love to have you.

titchy · 02/09/2021 09:42

Is there anything that suggests they haven't thought about work and childcare? Confused They might be getting a team of nannies, or shock horror one of them may be becoming a SAHP. Offering to babysit occasionally would be lovely, but rather patronising to say 'I'll be your child minder as I'm sure you won't have anything sorted.'

CasaBonita · 02/09/2021 09:45

You sound lovely, I so wish I had a dependable, caring neighbour!

But anyway as lovely as this all sounds in theory, I would be reluctant to offer too much. You might have a great relationship with your neighbours now but it could all go pear shaped if they start taking the piss, or your circumstances change, or you might end up with grandkids of your own!

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