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Original poster

Caring for neighbours baby? Am I mad?

120 replies

SophieHMS · 01/09/2021 14:08

Short version:
Should I offer to look after my neighbours' baby regularly? Am I mad? What issues might come up? I don't need money ... happy to do it for free.

Long version
I have adorable neighbours. They are finally pregnant after lots of trying. Baby due early spring. Hooray!!

They both work FT in the music industry- late nights long days etc.
Both sets of grandparents live miles away and one set are v elderly.

I am late 50s, had own DC late so not a sniff of grandchildren for a decade or more. My DC live independent lives miles away now. I retired at 50 amazingly lucky financially.

Neighbours need child care and are starting to explore their options.

I want to offer to have the baby say two days a week - set days ideally, maybe weekends as they both work weekends a lot.

I had twins so one baby should be a walk in the park (I imagine).

Would I be mad to suggest this? Is it too "intimate" for neighbours? We are vv friendly and supportive, the whole street is a friendly place. What might the pitfalls be? Should I take money and maybe save it for their child? I don't need money.

OP posts:
Hugoslavia · 01/09/2021 21:58

I still don't get the farting in the garden comments!

Original poster
SophieHMS · 01/09/2021 22:07

@Hugoslavia

I still don't get the farting in the garden comments!
Because after posting this OP I posted another thread asking if people fart in their gardens. Clearly I'm not suitable for any children to be near me :)
OP posts:
EmmaGrundyForPM · 02/09/2021 05:24

@Whatinthelord. no, it's if it's a "regular" arrangement of more than 2 hours. Doesn't matter if its paid or not. The bonkers thing is that you can take your child to your friends house and look after her child there, but not at your own.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Clymene · 02/09/2021 05:33

Gosh what a lot of neighbours you have!

icedcoffees · 02/09/2021 05:39

@EmmaGrundyForPM

This is from the government website: "Legally, you can’t use a friend to regularly look after a child under eight years for more than two hours a day during normal working hours unless they’re a registered childminder. This is something to think about if you have a reciprocal childcare arrangement." So you can't do a regular "I'll have Johnny on Thursdays if you have Aliyah on Mondays" with a friend, even if no money is changing hands.
That might be the law but I suspect nobody in real life checks or gives a shit, lol.
AlternativePerspective · 02/09/2021 05:43

I don’t imagine the law is worth the paper it’s written on. Thousands of people regularly look after other people’s children on a regular basis, it’s naive to think that they don’t or that they all stick to the letter of the law and that there are hundreds of registered childminders out there regularly looking after their neighbur’s baby or their children’s friend after school.

That aside, IMO working in the music industry isn’t compatible with having children, and I would imagine that unless they can afford a night nanny one of them will need to give up work to bring up the child.

SpeakingFranglais · 02/09/2021 06:15

Fuck no.

I think you are broody for grandchildren and maybe a bit bored but I personally (at a similar age to you) have absolutely not forgotten how exhausting small babies are, and nearly 30 years later I’m under no misconception as to how hard it would be.

I wouldn’t offer anything until they needed emergency care.

spaceghetto · 02/09/2021 06:19

I think it's lovely idea. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't mean you have to fall out about it. And the saving money idea is really, really kind. They are lucky to have you as a neighbour

mynameiscalypso · 02/09/2021 06:26

Honestly, if I was your neighbours, I would say no to a regular arrangement. I'd much prefer to have something formal in place and I wouldn't like to potentially ruin what sounds like a wonderful relationship if something went wrong. I would, however, really value the offer of emergency childcare.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/09/2021 06:30

@1forAll74

I would not contemplate looking after someone else's baby. I am an oldie. and would be annoyed with people who have a baby, and the parents work full time, and choose to off load their child., especially when they have been trying for some time to have one..
Sadly buying a house or affording the rent with only one parent working has not been possible for decades. And the gap is widening. Incomes have barely risen despite annual inflation and exponential house price rises.
TheGrassIsGreenerish · 02/09/2021 06:44

I think ad hoc babysitting is a great idea but not regular childcare as that type of thing can sour a relationship fast when things don’t work out as perfectly as everyone assumes the arrangement will be.

garlictwist · 02/09/2021 06:54

@Angel2702

I don’t think you are allowed to provide regular childcare unpaid or not if you are not registered unless you are a family member.
I am sure this isn't true!
HoppingPavlova · 02/09/2021 07:02

I wouldn’t. You only need to read some of the posts on here to see how it can go south very quickly. Things such as ‘my MIL gave my child a piece of toast - it wasn’t organic and the spread was marmite and I have specifically told her the only thing that is acceptable is the tears of unicorns that have been processed by highly paid house elves. She has really crossed the boundary here and I’m wondering if I should ever allow her to see my child again’. You may think that’s batshit but you would be surprised as the answers are generally that MIL/DM/childminder (insert whoever was caring for the child) is outrageous, should be put in their place and the whole family is to go NC.

Fuck knows what may happen if you minded the child and ever gave it one Smartie as a treat when it was older. You would be better off giving the child crack. I’d save the grief and give it a miss. Unfortunately parents these days are batshit.

NashvilleQueen · 02/09/2021 07:02

What a very lovely person you sound. Whilst I can see why you're tempted I think that you should be very careful before making such an offer.

In the nicest possible way I wonder if you're motivated by something lacking in your own life? A need to nurture or care for others which you don't now have with your children grown up and away? I say that only because I can be a bit like this and I would hate for it to not work out and then it cause tension between you all.

If you drive and are around a lot then having you on hand to help in an emergency (then getting stuck at work etc ) would, I'm sure, be greatly appreciated. You can let it be known that your available for occasional babysitting or to give them a couple of hours off from time to time. I think signing up to a regular commitment which they will come to rely upon will be a lot to manage longer term.

As I said at the top you are obviously a really lovely person.

Goldbar · 02/09/2021 07:06

I would really appreciate having a neighbour who was willing to babysit on an ad hoc basis. We have to get sitters in for our DC and, although I don't mind paying, my heart does sink a bit at leaving them with a (properly vetted) stranger who I don't know. It was worse when they were a baby, though - now they're quite capable of letting me know if they don't like someone Grin! So I'd love to have had someone like you living next door who I could trust and my DC knew.

I agree not a regular arrangement though. But don't underestimate how valuable reliable ad hoc help is. Things like doing pick up from nursery once in a blue moon when I had an after-work event or was working away for the day and had a long commute home would have been invaluable.

I'd start by offering to mind the baby for a couple of hours when the dad goes back to work after paternity leave so the mum can nap. Sounds ridiculous but I was terrified of going to sleep without someone watching the baby when mine was tiny and ended up massively sleep deprived so that would have been so useful for me. Also a little goes a long way when it comes to other people's babies so you may re-think your willingness to offer regular care!!

DizzyLollipop82 · 02/09/2021 07:08

I personally wouldn't set myself up for a regular baby sitting service if it wasn't family, I think it's lovely what you are suggesting, however, I'd be more inclined to offer if they want a night out etc

KangarooSally · 02/09/2021 07:22

Bad idea. If the baby is hurt at your place and you have no insurance you could go bankrupt.

Cam001 · 02/09/2021 07:28

It's a nice thought but you are massively jumping the gun here. So they've probably only just announced the pregnancy as baby isn't due until spring, and you have jumped to huge conclusions about how their lives with a baby will be. Any issues or challenges for the family regarding childcare are not yours to solve. I imagine they have their own thoughts on how life with a baby will be structured which don't include depending on a kindly neighbour.

They currently both work in an industry with long, antisocial hours - so did my DD before having her baby 8 months ago but she's now decided she's not going back to her old job and is setting up her own child-friendly business. They are also looking at moving closer to us for support. They have nice neighbours too, but DD is getting increasingly frustrated with the lady who is always popping round, interrupting their routine, bringing food they don't want, giving advice they don't need. I suppose she thinks she's helping but actually she's overstepping.

It's lovely that you're so excited for your neighbours but don't go making rash commitments that you more than likely couldn't honour. The ad hoc approach is the best, but I'd wait until baby is here before even mentioning it.

pecanmix · 02/09/2021 07:31

I think you sound very kind op. I'd love a neighbour like you

peppapigfangirl · 02/09/2021 07:36

I think you're probably overthinking it. I would be very surprised if they would accept your offer even if you did decide to offer it. I definitely wouldn't leave my child with a neighbour two nights a week for various reasons No matter how much I liked the neighbour. I would offer to help out and make it clear it's a genuine offer but I wouldn't go as far as committing to two nights a week.

But in terms of the question of whether it's strange for you to help with their childcare the answer is not at all if all parties concerned feel comfortable with it.

NautaOcts · 02/09/2021 07:37

I think wait until baby is here, and if your friendship continues and baby gets familiar with you would be lovely to offer to be emergency childcare or occasional babysitting. Trouble is with offering regular days what if you’re unwell or want to go on holiday. Having back up is so helpful for parents.

stepupandbecounted · 02/09/2021 07:37

This is how good neighbours fall out, don't do it.

ralphi · 02/09/2021 07:38

You sound very kind, and it is a lovely thought, but they will have to have their own plans. For example if you were to take the baby two nights a week, they would still need other solutions for the rest of the time. As other posters have said, they probably would be happy to know that you are willing to help out with emergencies, and on an ad hoc basis as a babysitter.

phishy · 02/09/2021 07:38

Aww, I thought a neighbour was expecting childcare and you were going ‘mad’ wondering why it was your responsibility.

Bit disappointed, less of this kind, selfless stuff please Wink

But seriously, wait and see if you enjoy the baby before offering childcare.

HungryHippo11 · 02/09/2021 07:40

I definitely wouldn't. Its a massive commitment. Stick to occasional care - if they want to go out for the afternoon or have an appointment or need a hand with nursery pickup.

Incidentally I wouldn't leave my baby with a friend or neighbour for 2 days a week no matter how friendly we were.

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