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Original poster

Caring for neighbours baby? Am I mad?

120 replies

SophieHMS · 01/09/2021 14:08

Short version:
Should I offer to look after my neighbours' baby regularly? Am I mad? What issues might come up? I don't need money ... happy to do it for free.

Long version
I have adorable neighbours. They are finally pregnant after lots of trying. Baby due early spring. Hooray!!

They both work FT in the music industry- late nights long days etc.
Both sets of grandparents live miles away and one set are v elderly.

I am late 50s, had own DC late so not a sniff of grandchildren for a decade or more. My DC live independent lives miles away now. I retired at 50 amazingly lucky financially.

Neighbours need child care and are starting to explore their options.

I want to offer to have the baby say two days a week - set days ideally, maybe weekends as they both work weekends a lot.

I had twins so one baby should be a walk in the park (I imagine).

Would I be mad to suggest this? Is it too "intimate" for neighbours? We are vv friendly and supportive, the whole street is a friendly place. What might the pitfalls be? Should I take money and maybe save it for their child? I don't need money.

OP posts:

mrsed1987 · 01/09/2021 14:48

They probably won't want to accept after hearing your farts

TableFlowerss · 01/09/2021 14:53

You must be mad in the politest way!

I think you’re looking at it with rose tinted glasses on when the reality is it will likely be very different. It’s a lovely gesture and selfless but once you open up the Pandora’s box then you’ll struggle to close it again.

As a one off in an emergency then fine but I definitely wouldn’t be offering on a permanent basis

Coyoacan · 01/09/2021 14:54

You sound lovely and I say "go for it"

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

1forAll74 · 01/09/2021 14:54

I would not contemplate looking after someone else's baby. I am an oldie. and would be annoyed with people who have a baby, and the parents work full time, and choose to off load their child., especially when they have been trying for some time to have one..

GreenFlipFlop · 01/09/2021 15:13

It's a really nice idea, but I think after a while they might start to become a bit dependent on you and you wanting time off to do something with your own kids or anything else, puts them out and could cause friction. Also they might have a routine for the baby or something that they might get funny if you don't stick to it. Maybe not, but these are probably the pitfalls I'd consider. On the flip side, it could be really rewarding! Maybe offer 1 day a week just to help a bit without too much pressure? It's so kind of you to help because childcare these days is hard!

Aquamarine1029 · 01/09/2021 15:18

Do not do this. Being enmeshed with the neighbours is never a good idea, and if something goes wrong your life will be very difficult.

bloodywhitecat · 01/09/2021 15:19

@1forAll74

Why would you be annoyed? As someone who is fast approaching 60 I realise that giving up work to raise a child is not always the best idea, Who pays your pension? What happens when you try to re-enter the workplace after 5/10/15 years? What happens if your marriage/relationship breaks down?

2bazookas · 01/09/2021 15:20

If you do it,, charge them the market rate for experienced nanny and don't sell your self short. NOT pin money, not mates rate. Set your own parameters on day, time, and routine. Suggest a fixed trial period, perhaps 6 weeks, then review.

I'd happily be paid to mind a newborn (bliss!) but it would be looked after MY WAY . I'd hate to mind a neighbour's crawler/toddler getting into all my stuff.

DameFanny · 01/09/2021 15:23

Growing up we had an extra grandmother - our next door neighbour, who could be relied on in an emergency (she'd be happy to look after one of us while the other was taken to the Dr for example), for daytime babysitting, and just to have us over for an hour or two because she liked our company. She was older than you, hence not evening babysitting once we were active, but we had a lovely relationship with her, and she was a godsend to mum.

Maybe you could aim for that? Nothing fixed, but just a safe pair of hands for emergencies, and a nice cup of tea whenever.

As a child it was lovely to have a grown-up that wanted to spend time with you for you, not just because they were relatives or paid babysitters.

BikeRunSki · 01/09/2021 15:40

I’d offer ad hoc days, evenings, weekends, emergency cover

Everybody I know who relied on friends/family for routine childcare was let down at some point. Granny wants to join a Bridge club on a childcare day, Auntie going on holiday, neighbour ill….

FlibbertyGiblets · 01/09/2021 15:52

Things to consider:
Whose house would be used?
First aid training
Insurance
Conflict resolution - they say no afternoon nap, baby sleeps anyway. How to resolve.

I think you are being unintentionally stupid or naive about this. Their childcare is not a problem for you to solve and almost you come across as a Saviour type. Almost.

Thoughts on feed back so far?

Olympiadreamer · 01/09/2021 15:55

@daytriptovulcan

Shouldn'y you just get a life of your own? You are overthinking someone else's private family concerns.

Or they're trying to be kind.

Angel2702 · 01/09/2021 16:07

@SW1amp nannies are paid and are employed to work in the child’s home. As they are paid they usually have registered as a nanny and set up the relevant insurance, tax etc.

You cannot provide regular childcare in your own home for more than a few hours for under 8s unless you are a family member or a registered childminder.

littletinyboxes · 01/09/2021 16:11

I can see how it's tempting to offer to help, and it's a lovely idea but I would worry that if they accept it may make things difficult between you in the longer term. For example:

what if you want to go away at short notice?
what if one of your children needs your help at short notice, even if this is unexpected at the moment?
what if you change your mind eg. the child is not easy to look after/it's more of a tie than you expected etc?
how long is the arrangement expected to go on for? They might want some sort of childcare until the child is in senior school at least.

I know people who have made similar arrangements with friends and it's ended up ruining the relationship because the one doing the child care felt tied in to the arrangement for ever and the parents felt she had let them down by eventually telling them they needed to make other arrangements.

In contrast, my friend's DC look on her neighbour as almost an extra grandparent. She babysits occasionally and looks after them if she can if other childcare falls through. There is no regular expectation so no problem if she says no sometimes- and no big issue over parenting styles as it's just occasional so no-one minds if they eat more sweets/watch more TV/stay up later than usual

Original poster

SophieHMS · 01/09/2021 16:19

As I said in OP, we have a great relationship- and that's both why I'd love to help them and also why I'm nervous about spoiling a good thing.

So many people saying offer emergency and ad hoc "cover", and that makes me think that's probably right. I can imagine how hard they might find it with all four grandparents hours away, and to know I'm always happy to step up for this or that would I'm sure be a relief to them and a pleasure for me. I walk their dog on the same basis so I guess it would make sense to offer that "now and again when stuck" support.

(I have a life thank you) I do also realise I'm very broody for grandchildren and might make less objective decisions because of that.

Thanks all - that's given me some better perspective.

OP posts:

cookingisoverrated · 01/09/2021 16:24

Offer to be their emergency back up. That would be very useful.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 01/09/2021 16:25

@angel2702 how long is "a few hours"? Do you have a link to this information as my sister regularly looks after a little boy, she isn't registered nor is she his family member. I'm just curious.

yellowsofa · 01/09/2021 16:33

I've recently started caring for my grandchild 3 times weekly.
It's a commitment but a joy also.
In your shoes I'd offer a when needed offer initially and offer to take the baby for a walk daily. See how you all gel with childcare expectations.
It takes some settling in and a routine emerges. But I do have friends who have fallen out with their families permanently over childcare issues and misunderstandings so it can be a difficult road to navigate.
Your intentions are lovely, but tread carefully.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 01/09/2021 16:39

[quote AwaAnBileYerHeid]@angel2702 how long is "a few hours"? Do you have a link to this information as my sister regularly looks after a little boy, she isn't registered nor is she his family member. I'm just curious.[/quote]
If she's in this country and looks after him in her own house then she has to be registered as a childminder. That's the law. She also needs the appropriate insurance etc.
One off/occasional playmates are fine, but a regular arrangement that you're paid for isn't.

If the child is over 8 the rules are different though.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 01/09/2021 16:43

This is from the government website:
"Legally, you can’t use a friend to regularly look after a child under eight years for more than two hours a day during normal working hours unless they’re a registered childminder. This is something to think about if you have a reciprocal childcare arrangement."
So you can't do a regular "I'll have Johnny on Thursdays if you have Aliyah on Mondays" with a friend, even if no money is changing hands.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 01/09/2021 16:44

"Legally, you can’t use a friend to regularly look after a child under eight years for more than two hours a day during normal working hours unless they’re a registered childminder. This is something to think about if you have a reciprocal childcare arrangement."

I expect this is one of those “There’s the law and then there’s reality” situations.

MistySkiesAfterRain · 01/09/2021 16:45

I came on to say very premature as baby is not due to spring. Wait and see how they (couple and baby) are and how you can help.

SW1amp · 01/09/2021 16:48

[quote Angel2702]@SW1amp nannies are paid and are employed to work in the child’s home. As they are paid they usually have registered as a nanny and set up the relevant insurance, tax etc.

You cannot provide regular childcare in your own home for more than a few hours for under 8s unless you are a family member or a registered childminder.[/quote]
I can’t see where the OP has said she wants to have the child in her own home
Wouldn’t it make more sense to be where the toys, nappies, cots are?

And nannies don’t have to be registered unless the parents want OFSTED registration, usually so they can part pay in childcare vouchers
The employer sorts out their tax and pension, and the onus is on them, not the nanny to do it

There is no legal reason she can’t pop there for a few days a week to look after the baby, with or without pay

gogohm · 01/09/2021 16:52

I think offering on an ad hoc basis is a lovely neighbourly thing to do, as is letting them know that if they have a childcare emergency to ask you for help and you will try to help but if it's to be regular in your home I think you need to be registered and it could backfire too. Most parents will be really happy to have a neighbour to babysit just sometimes

Whatinthelord · 01/09/2021 18:21

@EmmaGrundyForPM

This is from the government website: "Legally, you can’t use a friend to regularly look after a child under eight years for more than two hours a day during normal working hours unless they’re a registered childminder. This is something to think about if you have a reciprocal childcare arrangement." So you can't do a regular "I'll have Johnny on Thursdays if you have Aliyah on Mondays" with a friend, even if no money is changing hands.

Isn’t this just if they do it for pay?

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