Things you miss after having kids..?

[Veronika13]

I've hit a wall today. Almost of year of trying to conceive and got another negative today. Have really struggled to function and I need to do something about it.
We are being referred to an IVF specialist but I can't continue to get so down, like I'm grieving.

I think it would help to focus on the good things to enjoy, before kids eventually happen (I'm positive about this). My life is good overall but atm I don't have joy.

Please tell me amazing things you did pre kids that you cannot do now that kids are here? My plan is to focus on these things and to savour the moments.
X

Having an intact vagina.

Noone tells you what 'can' happen.

Spontaneously booking something and doing it.

Walks at night.

Sex whenever.

Lie ins!!!!!!

Eating whenever and not worrying about what's for tea and lunch all the time!

Rough third world travel/ in climates unsuitable for infants

Starting a new book , getting engrossed, and reading it non-stop right to the end. Nobody cooked dinner? Who cares.

Last minute expeditions with no planning whatsoever. Then you're enjoying the new place so much you decide to find a hotel and not go home yet. Or the next day. Or the next.

OOOOH,  what a lovely painting/antique.   Arm and a leg. Oh, all right then, lets. 

 Deciding to sleep on the beach/under the stars.  No tent.

Also waking up leisurely and dreamily, not to a baby shrieking and putting you in full panic mode!

Constant stress - baby has eczema and allergies so panicking constantly and daren't let her out of my sight sometimes

The life admin of having children... aargh! Appointments which mean negotiating with DH, my work, child's school... sports that require more negotiating with other parents, organising pick up and drop off, kit, forms to fill in... back to school stuff, blowing half my wage on school uniform, shoes, sports kit, stationery, bags, a coat that functions as a coat and not just a fashion accessory... trying to be "fun mum" by booking an activity that then requires copious form filling, lateral flow testing, spending yet more of my wage on overpriced fast food...

My brain is never still. I am juggling so many plates all the time!

I’d have a lot more choices related to my career than I currently do now I have a small child. I’m kind of fed up with my current role but don’t feel I can go for promotion somewhere new because I really need the flexibility and leeway you get from having a good reputation at my current place. I’ve lost a lot of confidence work-wise since coming back from maternity leave 2 years ago and never feel like I’m performing well enough any more.

Trips away used to be so fun. We've just been for a weekend away where DH, two DC and I were all in one hotel room. The DC wouldn't go to sleep and finally crashed out in the king size bed after crying and arguing for what seemed like hours. DH and I were so knackered by that point we ended up leaving them there and we slept in the bloody camp beds the hotel had put up for the children. £100 a night to sleep on a rock hard camp bed that some kid before us has probably pissed in!

@RobinPenguins

I’d have a lot more choices related to my career than I currently do now I have a small child. I’m kind of fed up with my current role but don’t feel I can go for promotion somewhere new because I really need the flexibility and leeway you get from having a good reputation at my current place. I’ve lost a lot of confidence work-wise since coming back from maternity leave 2 years ago and never feel like I’m performing well enough any more.

This!!!! In bucketfuls !!!!

I seem to constantly repeat myself about:
*brushing teeth "NO...Do it properly!"
*brushing hair
*wipe your nose/bottom
*flush the loo & wash your hands
*where did you leave your water bottle this time??

You will spend an inordinate amount of money on absolutely tat. Even if you think you won't be "like that" you will.

Throwing anything away is met with abject horror "but that's my faaaavourite thing mummy!!" (No, DD it's a popped balloon. It's going in the bin!)

You lug about a changing bag for a very long time. I wanted to burn mine after 3 years - I was sick of the sight of it.

You will eat leftover chicken nuggets because you just can't be arsed sorting your own lunch or dinner out after a knackering day.

A half chewed sweet will be shoved in your mouth, and you will be expected to enjoy it.

You are very likely to pee yourself at unexpected times. Do the Kegels, but they might not do the trick.

You cannot be poorly - gone are the days of you feeling dire, crawling back to bed, feeling sorry for yourself and sleeping for two days. You have to function even if there's two of you, you just have to get on and deal with stuff.

Sex.

Everything needs to planned. You can't grab a tiny weeny bag and just head off for the day. Your bag will be roughly the same size as an IKEA bag.

It is hard, exhausting work being parents. We were TTC for quite a while before I fell pregnant so I understand a little of what you're going through.

I hope you find yourself on the parenting rollercoaster soon (hug)

ps- for now, go out as often as you can, get drunk as often as you can and lie in as often as you can.

Not having the constant worry and anxiety over keeping them safe. The sheer responsibility of being the person who has to keep 3 little humans fed/ clean/ happy/ healthy. The constant worry that I am doing it wrong.

Lie ins as everyone as said - not even necessarily sleeping but just lying in bed watching TV or reading til midday.

The constant need to DO something.

Spontaneous sex. I'm always shattered at night, was also much more of an Afternoon Delight person but some chance of that!

Having to pick and choose what you do with partner as so hard finding childcare.
I can't even go to gym of an evening as need childcare (DH works evenings) - too much hassle then to arrange anything and feel guilty for asking. Always worry that we are taking the p1ss out of family who help out.

And yes to pre kids body.

Hard to explain but I find that having children has brought me a very weird mix of certainty and uncertainty that’s hard to get used to. I have literally no idea what this little person is going to be like or what their life will look like in ten or fifteen years time, I don’t even know that about myself, but what I definitely do know is they’ll still live where I live and be financially and emotionally and practically dependent on me. It’s a lot to get your head around. I think a lot about the last time pre-first child that I wanted to move out of the flat we lived in, and I’d found somewhere new and sorted it within about two days. That kind of flexibility is literally unimaginable now.

Many many thing. I'm pregnant and have been on my feet all day. Finally got to sit down for five minutes on the sofa with a cup of tea and I've got DS aged 8 badgering me and crying because he can't buy a new game on his phone. And DD aged 5 knocked my cup of tea off smashing the mug. Luckily it was cold as I never get a hot drink. I miss peace and just being left the fuck alone for a few minutes.

I also agree with a pp about watching what I want when I want to, rather than having to wait until they’re in bed in case of bag language or generally inappropriate stuff.
I remember once going over to visit a friend (left my dc at home and she doesn’t have dc) and she was watching the sopranos - I was gobsmacked to realise that other people lived a life where it was fine to watch that during daylight waking hours

@MistyFrequencies

Reading. I started a book while pregnant with my first, it is STILL on my bedside table unfinished and she is nearly 5 years old.

I also miss not peeing my pants, not cleaning up other people's pee pants, and generally a time when there was much less pee/poo related cleaning.

Yes, I should have added reading too. Since (now 7yo) DD1 was born, I could count the number of adult books I've read on one hand and I haven't picked up a single newspaper or magazine that I can think of. I used to go through books/newspapers/magazines at a rate of knots, but I just can't concentrate enough any more. Either it's daytime and the DCs are interrupting constantly, or my brain is too frazzled and I reach the bottom of the page unable to remember what I've just read. It has very slowly begun to improve so there is hope (!), but not by much. I used to rely on it to help me drop of to sleep, instead I now stare at a dark ceiling with a tangle of all the unfinished things swimming around my head for hours.

Having an intact vagina.

This times 100!!!!

Oh god and definitely yes to those who have said having sex whenever you want, not waiting until it’s convenient (we have 2 teens and one 10 year old) - by the time it’s convenient I’m usually not bothered anymore! I miss the days of having a hangover and being able to ‘sleep it off’ in bed with dh all day!! Or just when I go home at lunch and he’s there too but college student is also home. Or just a regular end of the day. I’m always too on edge when I know everyone’s awake and up and about to really enjoy it. I miss having adult time.

I miss being ill and being able to stay in bed

I miss lying down and not having to be on guard for something small crashing onto my stomach full pelt

I miss silence

I miss my own company!

I miss not having to think about balanced meals and nutrition and being able to have a couple of digestive biscuits for dinner cos I didn’t feel hungry

I miss not being completely and utterly exhausted

Also the lie ins, oh the lie-ins!

Backpacking
Inter-railing
Weekends away (just too much packing)
Spontenaity
The attemtion span to read/ craft
My career (SAHM for 5 years as DS has ASD and can't cope with childcare)
Lingering baths without being gate crashed or having to explain why now is a really bad time for a long, stinking shit 3 feet from my head
Floors... now dedicated to Lego and abandoned socks
Evening fitness classes... mum-taxiing most nights
Simplicity

Maybe I miss a lot because I have a sense of who I was, but I'll be 20 years older than I had been before before I get that back! I'm halfway througj and can finally manage to pop out very briefly with much guilting.

@daisyducky

Having a conversation with my husband. Even just about plans or something. Usually only get half way there then he makes the rest of it up in his head which is a load of rubbish and causes countless arguments

@daisyducky My DH does this and it drives me mad!

I miss talking to DH. Our DD does not stop taking. I mean, it's relentless constant chatter all the way up until she sleeps (every bedtime story is punctuated with the words 'stop talking'). Any conversation we have during the day is mundane stuff (what's for dinner, who's doing pick ups). When she goes to bed, we are so fucking sick of the chatter we literally sit in knowing silence. It's soooo exhausting. Love her to bits though. She would make a good radio presenter or teleshopping host.

@Sewfrickinamazeballs fucking hell mine come alive at night.
After a full on day at work and then home stuff in the evenings come 10 o clock I really hanker after some silence. It doesn’t come as the teens decide that that’s the perfect time to launch into a discussion about some sociology study they’ve been reading about or a conspiracy theory they’ve heard of and I just sit and engage while silently seething. They never seek dh out to talk bollocks to him, they leave him in total peace to watch shit on the telly

I’m making it sound like I don’t like them very much, I do, but the summer holidays have felt loooooong without breaking it all up with a proper holiday

A lie in
A lazy weekend/sofa day
To not have to share every snack I eat!

[quote TheChosenTwo]@Sewfrickinamazeballs fucking hell mine come alive at night.
After a full on day at work and then home stuff in the evenings come 10 o clock I really hanker after some silence. It doesn’t come as the teens decide that that’s the perfect time to launch into a discussion about some sociology study they’ve been reading about or a conspiracy theory they’ve heard of and I just sit and engage while silently seething. They never seek dh out to talk bollocks to him, they leave him in total peace to watch shit on the telly

I’m making it sound like I don’t like them very much, I do, but the summer holidays have felt loooooong without breaking it all up with a proper holiday [/quote]
@TheChosenTwo Jesus, haven't thought about the teen phase when she's up later!

It took me five years to have DD and the first year of ttc really dragged me down and made me miserable. Then we realised we needed to make space for joy in our lives regardless. It didn’t take the pain away but it helped enormously. Now I look back and whilst there were dark times (IVF cycles that failed, several miscarriages, a feeling of being left out and left behind) there was also some amazing experiences and memories that are very important to us as a couple now - they keep us going through the drudgery of parenting! We took lots of holidays, went to gigs, festivals, theatres, visited international friends etc - all things we can’t do easily now.

In particular I miss:

• going for a drink in the afternoon and long chats whilst a bit tipsy.
• holding DH’s hand
• live music as a regular activity
• eating out at places where children aren’t welcome
• travelling to beautiful and non-child friendly places and having time to just soak up the beauty in peace.
• getting up when I want
• having the energy for creative projects and trying new things
• feeling refreshed instead of permanently tired.
• my intelligence