Things you miss after having kids..?

[Veronika13]

I've hit a wall today. Almost of year of trying to conceive and got another negative today. Have really struggled to function and I need to do something about it.
We are being referred to an IVF specialist but I can't continue to get so down, like I'm grieving.

I think it would help to focus on the good things to enjoy, before kids eventually happen (I'm positive about this). My life is good overall but atm I don't have joy.

Please tell me amazing things you did pre kids that you cannot do now that kids are here? My plan is to focus on these things and to savour the moments.
X

Being able to be ill. I'm single parent to a 2 year old and we've both got an ear nose and throat virus and I can't just lie down and be poorly.

Lie ins

All the lie ins!

Popping out after work on Friday for a pint or two with friends and waking up Sunday morning on one of their sofas. I obviously don't miss the hangovers from these weekends! Just the lack of need to consider anyone else and the ability to be utterly irresponsible.

Free time. It didn't feel like I had much free time, as I don't like inertia and naturally will fill it. It is now obvious from the state of the garden & house just how much time we spent pottering doing little jobs. I used to come home from work and spend half an hour (or more) every day gardening during the lighter months. Now I have time to mow once every 2 weeks, and the weeding is done once it resembles a jungle (approx every 2 months). I regularly cooked complicated meals from scratch, now we are mostly limited by meals that can be put together are ready to eat in 30mins.

Coping. I could manage a work/social/home life without often dropping the spinning plates, but adding DCs into the mix has been a bridge too far on this. DCs bring the foreseeable day to day physical and emotional care, but now as children (rather than babies) they also bring a load of extra paperwork/organisation/planning which I hadn't expected. I know many on here poopoo it as a thing, but I find the mental load from this tough. I'm self-employed, so my job involves many hats and I've always struggled with the admin side. This and the house is what has suffered, as I can't manage it all so other things inevitably slip/get forgotten.

I miss my creative hobby and my sports league, neither of which I've been able to do for 5 years because they're in the evenings and I've had breastfeeding non-sleeping children.
I miss spa days, and meals out with my husband, and sex, and being able to sit down for ten minutes with a coffee without a small child immediately jumping on me.
I miss being able to hold a train of thought or have a conversation without someone demanding snacks or drinks or for me to fix their toy or find their bubble blower or change their nappy or fill the paddling pool or put the TV on or [insert endless requests].
I really really miss my pre-kids body, which I wasn't happy with at the time but now when I look back at photos was amazing.

Ah yes the lie ins

Also holidays that are relaxing and enjoyable.

Going out for meals

Cooking whatever I fancy for tea without worrying if the DC will eat it.

Going out for drinks with DH

Days off to myself without making extensive childcare arrangements.

Watching what I want on TV.

The house still being clean 10 minutes after cleaning it.

Not having to do the school run.

So many things!

lazy Sunday's. Lounging around drinking coffee and reading the papers. Nice relaxing walk/run, then cooking a Sunday roast for two.

Being able to focus on your own goals. Since my children left home I’ve been able to develop my own interests rather than support theirs. My choice to have done so but it’s so good to not have to be there for them.

Oh god, everything.

Sleep.
My pre pregnancy body that had no saggy skin or stretch marks.
My pre baby vagina.
Being able to stay in bed when ill.
Sleep.
Tidy clean house. Oh how I miss that.
Lie ins, or just generally getting up when you are ready instead of being forced up when you aren't ready. My eyes are constantly stinging.
Trying to juggle everything, housework, work, shopping, remembering everything thry need for school, homework, various clubs etc etc.
Sleep.
Sex.
Nights out that go beyond 9pm because my kids will certainly not be sleeping past 6.30am.
Being able to just get up and go.
Did I mention sleep?

My pelvic floor!

(Along with all the other things mentioned - especially spontaneity)

Spontaneity of being able to do what you want at last minute drop of a hat.

Going out for meals in peace and quiet.

I also hate how I can't just pop into a shop even I just want to run in for milk or pick up a parcel etc. There's the whole getting the kids in and out of car seats and getting buggy up etc.

Lying in my bed until whenever I want!

Not constantly cleaning up after 2 little humans who spill things constantly and get crumbs everywhere! Pull out every toy and leave it lying about. All the extra dishes they create too and washing!

Oh god, the lie ins. Why did I never appreciate them before? What even is a Saturday morning if you aren't sleeping late and drinking coffee in bed? Now I'm up at 6.30 (if I'm lucky), watching Postman Pat and scraping jam off the sofa.

In addition to literally everything else mentioned here, I'm currently mourning the ability to just do a job that needs doing. We moved house months ago and we're surrounded by hundreds of small DIY jobs. Doors need sanding and repainting, walls need filling, our kitchen needs redecorating. Getting anything done requires a late night (when we're already knackered), a babysitter or for one parent to be on full-time weekend kid duty while the other does work on the house. Pre-child, we'd have had this place finished months ago.

I wish you so much luck on your IVF journey. Life isn't worse now I have a child, not at all, but it is messier, louder and less straightforward than I could have imagined - enjoy your peace and quiet!

Watching a film /documentary all the way through so you don't have to tell others you didn't end up seeing the end of that one

Not having to pack up a bag and prepare endless bottles everytime you leave the house even if it is just a 20 min trip

'Me time' pampering/shaving legs even washing hair sometimes 🤔

Getting up and down and the life frightened out of you everytime you think she put something in her mouth or is climbing my heart has stopped on occasions

But also (though it sounds at odds) I really struggled with losing my impressive organisational skills. I really struggled with the fact that I was supposed to be somewhere a X o'clock and the baby disrupted everything by having an exploding nappy as you were about to go out, or needed feeding, or threw up, etc etc. I was so efficient before dc.

This is it, for me. Before DC if I had a busy work day, I could get up early and get started. Now I have to prep breakfast (which may or may not be eaten), clear up, wash and dress someone else (who is sometimes uncooperative) as well as myself, and do nursery drop-off. If I want to be at my desk for 8am I have to make sure someone else can do all that, and even then it’s easy to get caught up in dealing with something and get sidetracked.

Having a conversation with my husband. Even just about plans or something. Usually only get half way there then he makes the rest of it up in his head which is a load of rubbish and causes countless arguments

The dangling carrots -

“Great, from next year they can go to nursery 8-6 and I can do some work / finish a sentence in my own head.”

“Brilliant, they’re starting school!”

Having nothing serious to worry about, honestly being a mum is a world full of guilt and worry, amount loads of amazing bits the worry is always there

@idontlikealdi

Spontaneity!

This. Its even harder having a kid with Autism

Reading. I started a book while pregnant with my first, it is STILL on my bedside table unfinished and she is nearly 5 years old.

I also miss not peeing my pants, not cleaning up other people's pee pants, and generally a time when there was much less pee/poo related cleaning.

I have a 2 and 4 year old, but my brother and his gf are child free atm. We met up with them recently and they had so many anecdotes of things they'd done recently. Spontaneous weekend breaks in Europe, nights out at bars and art galleries and theaters, hilarious misadventures involving drinking too much. I honestly had to fight back tears. I used to be such a spontaneous and adventurous person, I was always jetting off on holidays and going to cultural events and festivals. I would think nothing of quitting my job on a whim to go travelling or moving somewhere new to do a course etc. Now the furthest I manage to get from my house is the park half an hour down the road and even planning that feels like a military operation. I find myself telling stories of interesting things I've done and realising that they're several years old, the only recent things I have to talk about are my struggles sourcing school uniforms or trying to potty train. I find myself cleaning food off the floor for the hundredth time a day and fantasising about the time I went backpacking around South America. And whilst I don't regret having my children, not for a second, the envy I feel towards the lifestyle child free couples are able to lead is almost unbearable some times. It's especially bad atm because both the children are going through particularly trying phases. So, if you're looking for aspects of your child free life to enjoy whilst you can I strongly recommend being as free and adventurous and spontaneous as possible. You could be dining out on those stories for a long time once you have kids.

Peace of mind. Mind is an adult now so I don't have a lot of the practical problems already mentioned but from the moment they're conceived to...well I guess until you die you never stop worrying about them. From the little things, like not having the right outerwear on a day that catches you out to the big things like drugs, the opposite sex, leaving home etc. Its usually irrational but I just can't help it.

Theres judgement of you when you have kids. Tons of it.
I used to be quite clean cut, unjudged and more naive than most people, pre kids.
Now at every stage for 20 years Ive felt judged in one way or another. Not for much, mainly material things. House size, car, coat, pram, marital status, husbands job, make up, hair, academic level of kids, social life of kids, my job, my working hours, clubs, age of starting clubs, diy...
It comes from all directions. A very left wing hippie friend was judging me a few weeks back for temporarily buying M&S ready meals. I dont all the time ffs but was having work done on kitchen that week. I think shes dumped me over it.
Didnt have this shit pre kids.

Being alone sometimes with nothing to do. Sometimes it's suffocating. I'd love to have a walk, completely alone, for as long as I wanted, only watching my own safety, not having to talk without little faces asking why they can't come before I leave.

Even if I do go, the plaintive faces ruin it and I never really enjoy myself.

Has anyone mentioned having decor that is free of stickers?? I find them EVERYWHERE. They haunt me!

I once found one in my office at work. Peppa Pig grinning inanely up at me from the carpet. Not sure how my dd managed to get it there but I am certain she did!

Coffe and newspaper in bed in the morning.

Last minute plans, weekend away, deciding to go out for dinner and a movie

Brunch

Sleeping later than 6am (also not panicking because I’ve stayed up too late and will be tired in the morning)

Constant anxiety about whether I’m parenting right

Taking ages in the shower/getting dressed

Doing what I want in my own time rather than dealing with a toddlers demands first

Eating in peace

I seem to be providing endless meals (I used to eat twice a day so only cooked 1 meal and no worry that someone wouldn’t like it and chuck it on the floor)

The end of day clean

Headspace to think.

Being able to walk between point A and B without having to coax, cajole, threaten, bodily lift anyone.

I miss judging parents (pre-kids) to now being judged lol. Thats the most annoying in a way, I had to acknowledge I was a bit of a judgy pants before I had my own.

Not constantly and forever worrying about the well-being, safety and happiness of a totally independent person out in a scary world.