Things you miss after having kids..?

[Veronika13]

I've hit a wall today. Almost of year of trying to conceive and got another negative today. Have really struggled to function and I need to do something about it.
We are being referred to an IVF specialist but I can't continue to get so down, like I'm grieving.

I think it would help to focus on the good things to enjoy, before kids eventually happen (I'm positive about this). My life is good overall but atm I don't have joy.

Please tell me amazing things you did pre kids that you cannot do now that kids are here? My plan is to focus on these things and to savour the moments.
X

Peace and quiet
Not having crap all over the floor
Lie ins
Being able to focus on work without also juggling lots of child related admin and worries
Adult social life that doesn’t depend on kids bedtimes
Conversation with DH that isn’t interrupted and isn’t about the to list

This is with older kids. My list of what I missed with babies and toddlers would simply have read “everything”.

I miss having a waistline and holidays in the Caribbean.

'Spontaneous thing, I always presume you just pack the kid with you and ago..?'

Sure! As long as the place you're spontaneously going to is child friendly eg softplay or somewhere equally shit

Enjoy having a browse around shops without someone pestering to spend your money on squashy paw patrol figures and then announcing they need a poo, in a shop with no toilets.

You can watch whatever telly you want too. Not just an hour in the evening but literally all day at the weekends if you like. You can spend Saturday mornings in bed eating croissants and having sex and sleeping, instead of watching Butterbeans Cafe.

Life with kids is great but so is life without kids. You're just right to embrace both.

Spontaneous thing, I always presume you just pack the kid with you and ago..? Maybe I need to process in my head it's not like that - and imagine in my head packing the baby bag..crying baby etc.

It is not like that, you’re right. I miss long walks with a pub lunch.

Older one: will he walk that far, are there loos (trees are only fine if it’s just a wee), what about lunch and snacks for 12 sharp or he gets hangry, will he get overwhelmed and have a meltdown, he wants to take his bike which is great if he rides it but if not then I have to carry it, will he have a danger nap in the car home and end up with late bedtime and cranky kid all next day.

Younger one: is the terrain ok for buggy or am I carrying the sling allll day, she’ll only nap properly in the buggy (and prefers her cot anyway), how do I heat up her bottle / she won’t bf if there’s any breeze, how many changes of clothes do I need if she has a refluxy day.

I also miss concerts and the theatre that don’t require extensive liaison weeks ahead over dates and times, and cost twice as much in babysitter pay as in tickets.

The worst thing about parenting for me was squeezing into a public toilet with two small children who each need to poo!

Oh yes, I'd blanked that from my mind.
Or, having the older one suddenly desperate for the toilet when the baby is in the pram and you are on your own with no-one to leave the pram with.

Definitely lie ins

I miss being unlimited. I mean, meeting a friend after work for dinner, maybe going for a further drink, maybe walking home, maybe getting a taxi...now everything has a deadline and usually run with military precision.
I miss resting when I'm tired instead of having it keep going and staying awake until they go to bed.
I miss evenings watching TV because they don't go to bed!

It's a lot of fun and joy too OP, very best of luck for the future x

Not finding random bogies smeared on walls.

Being occasionally right. Without being roundly condemned for always being wrong.

I miss not feel guilty, that I am not enough, that my best is actually good enough.

On a lighter note - cheap, last minute holidays! Spending Bank holidays in bed with books, coffee and chocolate

OP I am now a grandma and I can honestly say that I have genuinely not gone to bed relaxed and calm since 1993 ! Am not exaggerating…there is always something worrying me ! My sister hasn’t had children and has a lovely life 💕

Freedom.
Nights out.
Not pissing myself.
Not crying when I look in the mirror.
Being able to touch my stomach and actually feel some sensation instead of just a numb lump of dead flesh.

😂 at dragging the kids bike when the kid that wanted to bring it doesn't want to ride it 🙈

And I only go shopping alone - bringing girlfriends means waiting around for them to try clothes on and I'm too selfish/impatient for that, i just want to go to the shops I like, and spend as much time as I need. I can't imagine finding something nice to try on and then a kid asking to go for a poo - that makes me groan. Thanks for the laughs

Chilled meals in restaurants, not sharing everything I eat and drink, lie ins, watching films, watching normal TV, the cinema, not having to cook, not feeling guilty about doing nothing, having time in the evening, not timing bowel movements to fit kids schedule

Having time to make myself look nice - having focused all my time on getting the children ready in the mornings (including wrestling them into clothes and extremely reluctant teeth brushing!), I always run out of time for me - whilst they look well dressed and groomed, I end up putting on whatever I can find in a hurry and hastily brushing my hair!

The worry. Before kids, I had the world sorted. My career was going from strength to strength, friends and family were established and treasured, exercise and voluntary work fixed things in my life. So calm and stable and civilised.

Now I feel I don’t do anything especially well, everything in my life has suffered from not having my undivided attention while I’m doing it, relationships have slipped. And the worry. Omg the worry. About EVERYTHING. Their physical and emotional well-being, their education, their financial security, their social lives, their manners, their happiness - everything feels like it’s your responsibility.

Imagine your life as it is, then something enters into it which obliterates everything, turns it all upside down. That thing is a really difficult puzzle, no hints or tips, and you have to work on it whenever a random buzzer beeps (whether or not you’re tired or sick or asleep). That puzzle costs you a lot of money each month, and there’s no guarantee that you’ll ever finish it/work it out. It’s draining and exhausting and takes its physical toll on you. It won’t be finished for years and years and years, and once you start it you can’t opt out.

Sneezing without peeing

I miss having money.

Only having to think about myself. I was looking back at old pictures the other day and life was so easy and carefree pre kids. I thought nothing of going on a holiday where we'd be on a boat scuba diving in the middle of some remote island chain with no signal/easy way to be contacted. Couldn't do anything like that now without a lot more planning. Everything just needs a lot more planning with kids!

Time to myself
Putting myself first - how I spend my spare time, how I spend my spare money, where we go on holiday, what we eat, where we live. The constant everyday tiny sacrifices.

Eg; I’d quite like some new shoes. I have bought 2 x school shoes, 4 x football boots and 2 x trainers - £200 on shoes, of which at least half will be outgrown by February!

Getting anything done around the house
Gardening in peace
Relaxing holidays spent walking & exploring pubs
Time to myself
Peace & quiet
Not feeling exhausted all the time

I do love having children, but I loved my life before too.

Waking up naturally. I've been startled awake every single morning for the last 2 years.

Being able to grab keys, purse and phone and leave the house.

Eating an entire slice of toast.

Eating crisps/chocolate openly. These days it needs to be done in secret so a certain person doesn't kick off.

Being able to say "do you fancy that tapas place down the road tonight?" without it being a major undertaking to organise childcare

Oh and the ability to sit in my PJ'S on a a rainy Saturday eating crap and binge watching something

A tidy house, I'm at the point where it looks great 9-3 Monday - Friday so thats something.

Not having handprints all over my walls (why do they have to touch the fucking walls all the time???)

Sleep, mine are 8&5 and I'm still up at least once a night.

Being spontaneous.

A tidy car.

The luxury of only worrying about myself. All day I worry about them - have they eaten enough, are they making friends, are they coming down with colds, are they happy?

Actual holidays, not things that claim to be holidays but are actually more work than just being at home and involve listening to approx. 100,000 whines and moans about all of the 'fun' things you have planned (and paid a fortune for).

Money to spend on myself instead of having to wait for the pair of boots I want because both of their feet have grown and their various clubs have all decided that they need an expensive new piece of kit/costume that they cannot possibly go without.

I waited fifteen years for my girls OP. Was told we wouldn't have any so both were a shock.

I think for me, it's the worry. Like no longer only having myself to think about. I'm responsible for the entire health and happiness of others at every single moment. Even when they go to bed I'm doing the is the room to hot, to cold, are they breathing. Just never completely switched off. I miss that a great deal.

The other two shocks were the noise and the mess. The noise!!! TV on, screaming, crying, squealing, banging a cup repeatedly just because, plastic toys, playing crazy tunes all at once, chatter chatter chatter. Dd is sat next to me now watching Peter rabbit just banging her bowl off her cup. five minutes silence is a rare commodity in this house....

@sequin2000

The worst thing about parenting for me was squeezing into a public toilet with two small children who each need to poo! Holidays are not really holidays with kids. Same shit different location! It's far easier said than done but it's much easier to conceive when you're not trying. Give up for a while, go on holiday. Worked for me after 18 months of ovulation sticks and obsessing.

It really isn’t for some people - no amount of holidays and relaxing will grow back my blocked Fallopian tubes

It's the worry. Worrying about whether I'm doing a good job, is he happy enough, fulfilled enough. We've had the added stress of some additional needs which is lessening now as he's developing but it's changed me.

Oh and just time alone, between DS, work and dh working from home ALL the time, I'm never alone and I miss it.