Anyone else very financially comfortable but spend SO much time thinking about money

[Marni83]

I earn a good salary
In addition my ex husband is extremely wealthy and so I receive a very large monthly maintenance for our two children.

However in recent years I have become very money focussed. Internally. I don’t ever talk about it but I think about it a lot.

I shop around online for hours trying to find the cheapest of something.
I will go way out of my way to save pennies on, say, bleach
Would never eat out with the children / very rarely buy ice creams etc. Instead I pack picnics ALL the time and bring ice creams in cool bags - meaning I’m always lugging so much around BUT saving, saving
I scour eBay for clothes, books etc
I would never buy myself a coffee
I use up everything in the fridge, never ever waste. I will eat something out of date in order not to waste (never the children though!)

But here’s the contradiction

I am very generous with friends
I splurge on incredible holidays for the children
I spend a small fortune on our home
I have a cleaner and a gardener
I go to a ridiculously expensive London hairdresser
I buy high end make up
My children go to private school (but I buy all uniform and kit second hand)
I drive an absolute banger of a car

It’s odd. I spend ages thinking about money. Budgeting endlessly
Future planning - paying off mortgage, what investments, pension

But then - absolutely splurge on other things.

I want to free myself from thinking about money so much.

Anyone else relate to this?

@user1497207191 Bang on! I don't begrudge a special occasion high quality experience but I enjoy making good food myself.
Last night we had a very nice salad nicoise, I challenge any eatery to make better, and for about £4.50 each? (Fresh yellowfin tuna on special, as you would expect!)

I just think its all about balance.

I grew up in an unsteady financial setting, swinging from lots to very little to eventually DP loosing a very valuable home. So I have bailiff experience.

Balance is needed and whats the point of DH parents being so much wealthier but literally cannot stop worrying or thinking about money for one second not even at xmas we have to sit and listen to how MIL bargain basements any gifts and what she saved????Whilst sitting in a beautiful room - but cold - because she has not treated us to heat in winter

They are not rich because of this - they are rich because fil had an amazing salary and they saved and spent accordingly and had lots to play with.

My sil and DB are not wealthy because sil doesnt buy a single gift at xmas....they are weatlhy because they have amazing salaries - income from property and also watch pennies, but saving 20p for car park is not what makes them rice.

Balance.

My home is secure - touch wood we wont get baliffs here, we have multiple levels of savings, I am frugal - but am not rigid.

We have picnics but also eat out - in fact some lovely MN told me about a beautiful restaurant Balthazar in LOndon, beautiful service food £57 for three.

I wonder what a man who shops around to save pennies on essentials but has expensive haircuts and things for himself would be called?

double that sounds lovely.

@AmazinglyGraceless

Have you ever struggled for money?

I grew up very poor, watching my parents count pennies and hide from debt collectors in the kitchen, shushing us kids so that they thought no one was in. Dh and I have also had some very lean times in the past (although not to this extent).

Although I now spend a lot on nice holidays and days out, nicer things in general - some of the budgeting behaviours are so ingrained in me I can't imagine them ever leaving.

We shop in Lidl mainly. We could afford to shop in the local Sainsburys which is much closer, more convenient and affordable for us - but I still travel across town to Lidl. I just can't abide the thought of spending £120 on a shop I could get in Lidl for £60.

I also count as I shop. I don't need to anymore, but I did our of necessity for years. I do it so automatically now I can't not. I always know my trolley value to the penny, it blows dh's mind as I just walk around chatting as normal and at the end am like 'right that's £86.12' 😂

I also search for deals religiously when I splurge. If I can get a £900 TV for £850 after 3 hours of research of codes and offers I will. Even though, as dh points out, had I just done 3 hours of overtime in work instead and bought the £900 TV from the first shopping result, I would have earnt far more than the £50 I saved and have been better off and less stressed as a result. It makes no sense but I still do it.

Exactly this! I grew up extremely poor and now am relative comfortable (not well off). I can't bring myself to spend say 200 on something that can be found elsewhere for 175, and I can't shop in a pricey supermarket when Aldi is available.

BUT, I am always happy to spend lots of money on childrens birthdays and Xmas, days out, fun experiences and holidays. We also like to eat out (though not all the time and we do picnics as well). I want my children to have all the things I missed out on as a child but I can't drop the frugal penny pinching side of me either, it's so ingrained.

@Wheretoeattweenandteen I am also a fan of Balthazar - eat there if I go to the opera! Am on their mailing list!

(Which I would treat myself to top seats once a year, then go to local live-streams at other times for a tenth of the price :D)

We heat the house.

I think you in-laws sound extreme, to be fair!

In laws and dB extreme probably why I wince at some of the posts because I've seen the damage it does when people are too extreme.

I lost my home but dh is more damaged than I due to this inability to relax around money... He's also much happier now we know exactly where every penny goes.

Top seats as in the gods or top seats as in stalls

I used to go a lot but to top seats in the gods.
However.... I've only just discovered balthazar so that would be a wonderful Xmas combination if they are doing the nutcracker this year with the dc.

@Wheretoeattweenandteen They are not rich because of this - they are rich because fil had an amazing salary and they saved and spent accordingly and had lots to play with.

They ARE rich now because they were careful with money though. Lots of high earners have ended up in trouble because they over-spent! It doesn't matter how much you earn. If you spend more you're in trouble, if you spend less, you're good!

@Wheretoeattweenandteen hey are weatlhy because they have amazing salaries - income from property and also watch pennies, but saving 20p for car park is not what makes them rice.

It's the whole "attitude" of "looking after the pennies" that matters, not the pennies themselves. People who save 20p on parking will be saving hugely more than that in other areas of spending. It's an ingrained habit to shop around, get deals, consider whether you really "have to" buy something, etc. No one thinks that saving pennies themselves makes the difference. It's the mindset. Conversely if you get into the mindset that money doesn't matter, your wasted 20p parking suddenly turns into wasting a few hundred because you didn't shop around for car insurance or utility contract, etc. That's nothing to do with your income. It's ALL to do with your attitude to spending. Having a higher income simply means that the consequences of over-spending aren't so obvious as you tend not to get bailiffs at the door or red demand letters, unless you really get out of control.

OP you do know that child maintenance is for the children don't you?

So it's for things like uniform, treats, ice creams....

You sound incredibly selfish and maybe your angst about money is caused not by concern about not having enough, but massive guilt that you're prioritising yourself and your treats, not your children.

They'll realise once they're older.

@Wheretoeattweenandteen Top seats as in stalls, usually front few rows :)

When Id just started working and not well-off, I used to be in the Gods at the Colosseum, which was also very enjoyable :)

@Wheretoeattweenandteen We took our DC's to the Nutcracker, but live-streamed at a very comfortable local indy cinema - still like best seats in the house but an earlier evening finish time and no looong journey home afterwards.
I can recommend if they're doing it this year, you can't get tickets for a matinee, your children are young and you live away out. Otherwise, would be a lovely Christmassy treat.

DH is like this. His family are incredibly wealthy but he really begrudges spending money if he doesn't have to. If he has to spend the money then he will but if there's a cheaper alternative then he's going to go for that. I used to hate going food shopping with him as he'll spend ages comparing price per kilo although it's kind of rubbed off on me to do the same now we've been together a while 😂

They ARE rich now because they were careful with money though

^^ yes but they actually live like paupers and cant enjoy life.

seeing as we only get one, I would rather save where I can and spend what I know I can afford and not end up in the poor house and enjoy life.

we usually save our pennies and sit at the top but some seats are better than others I have forgotten which ones

I know plenty of other very well people....

one the most successful of all - like millions and they are perfectly balanced and seem to enjoy life save, are not wildly extravagant at all and just manage to maintain finances - be sensible but also enjoy life.

You really dont need to sweat so much - we know where every penny goes but I do not sweat because I know exactly what I can spend on what. eg it wont matter to me about saving 30p on parking and spending the day walking trhough crap to get where I want to go because I am using my fun weekend money

@Wheretoeattweenandteen You’re absolutely right - the good thing about money is what you can do with it to make a difference to your (or others) lives. Just watching it accrue in the account and not touching it isn’t making the most of the achievement.
Not wasting or frittering it is the key - being thoughtful about what and why. All too easy to blow it.

@Wheretoeattweenandteen

Littlecloud19 Fri 20-Aug-21 09:55:00

We had no spare money for about ten years I never knew when I was out what we could afford and whether that would send us into OD etc.

SO I started to save bit by bit, £2 here and there at first in those tins you cant open but had lots of tins, back then I got about £40 by xmas which was a lot to us back then and it felt wonderful to have that little extra to pull on.

WE went further and now every penny is always spilt into numerous pots, several savings pots, for long term stocks and shares, then secondary saving pot for house emergencies, then car savings so we can break the back of car work, mot etc,.....saving for xmas, bday, holidays, each week we draw out exactly what we use for petrol, and food...

its ironic that by taking total control over the money - I now have the freedom to use what is specifically for fun, for fun! Often its not enough! Often I go over a little, but its usually enough for a take away each weekend or cheap meal out with the dc, or cheaper entrance somewhere with picnic and an ice cream from a van

the rambling point is - we save - every penny but seem to enjoy our £ more than far richer people around us because we give ourselves a small weekly allowance for fun?

This is what I do. I’m part time and my husbands job is ok but not an amazing salary. We stretched ourselves to buy the house we did. Neighbours with children spend lots and presumably earn more as both work full time in good jobs. One neighbour commented we must earn a lot for me to be part time and she knows my children go to multiple clubs, we go out a lot as a family, have big parties fir children’s birthdays. What she doesn’t realise is We put money away each month that gets divided into pots - Christmas, family birthdays, clubs, holidays and birthday parties. We have a budget for extras and if I don’t spend much one month I’ll put extra into a pot. For me it means I can enjoy myself because I know how much money I have to do it.

@hocusspocuss

I don't see any reference to or mention of charitable giving, which I find really distasteful if your income is as high as you say.

😂 Only on MN

@Marni83 Just do what you think is right and ignore all the stuck up haters on here.

OP, I’m a bit like you but I make sure I buy the bargain face cream from Aldi and then DD gets all the new shoes/clothes/toys. I occasionally buy second hand books for her but she is the last person I scrimp on.

I like to shop round and get a discount and then use a voucher code on top. Could afford to shop at Waitrose and Sainsbury’s but aim to shop at Aldi. We tend to holiday in UK (self catering) but then splurge on a few days at Lapland or Euro Disney over Christmas. Our cars are 7+ years old but whilst they work we keep them.

I do think about money a lot - I grew up very poor so think this is the reason.

As for second hand uniform; I work in a private school and second hand uniform is very big at my school. Blazers for 7 year olds are £50+ and likewise dresses, jumpers, hats etc are very expensive so many parents buy second hand. They can’t just nip into Asda for a replacement bit of kit - all from the school shop which is very expensive.

I think it’s quite normal.
I’m comfortably off and incredibly frugal in some ways but also happy to splurge at times.

I’m like you too OP. High earners and very comfortable but I spend a lot of time thinking about money.

I don’t buy high end cosmetics because they don’t suit my skin, and I’m not really into getting nails/hair/make up done on the regular. We also don’t really buy much stuff for the kids as we live on a small island and we stream all shows/movies so no advertising and the kids don’t really know any “must haves” that they’re missing (neither do we!)

My attitude to money is that I want to use it to buy time. I realised that the kids don’t really want stuff, they just want to hang out with us doing fun things, so I’d quickly drop a lot of money on an amazing trip that they’ll remember (when we can finally bloody travel again!), or activities they want to try, rather than games consoles, branded clothes.

There’s nothing wrong with second hand anything either (expect spring for an ice cream from the van once in a while!) 😁

@Wishihadanalgorithm this is so true. I knew someone once that had rich parents. They paid for all three kids to go to private school. My friend really tried to decline but they insisted. The parents only paid for the schooling not uniform or anything else.
Financially it ruined her. Just the uniform alone for the three was something she has to scrimp and save for all year round. She could never afford to do all the trips etc.

The often walked around with sewn up clothes on. The parents could never understand what the problem was.