Anyone else very financially comfortable but spend SO much time thinking about money

[Marni83]

I earn a good salary
In addition my ex husband is extremely wealthy and so I receive a very large monthly maintenance for our two children.

However in recent years I have become very money focussed. Internally. I don’t ever talk about it but I think about it a lot.

I shop around online for hours trying to find the cheapest of something.
I will go way out of my way to save pennies on, say, bleach
Would never eat out with the children / very rarely buy ice creams etc. Instead I pack picnics ALL the time and bring ice creams in cool bags - meaning I’m always lugging so much around BUT saving, saving
I scour eBay for clothes, books etc
I would never buy myself a coffee
I use up everything in the fridge, never ever waste. I will eat something out of date in order not to waste (never the children though!)

But here’s the contradiction

I am very generous with friends
I splurge on incredible holidays for the children
I spend a small fortune on our home
I have a cleaner and a gardener
I go to a ridiculously expensive London hairdresser
I buy high end make up
My children go to private school (but I buy all uniform and kit second hand)
I drive an absolute banger of a car

It’s odd. I spend ages thinking about money. Budgeting endlessly
Future planning - paying off mortgage, what investments, pension

But then - absolutely splurge on other things.

I want to free myself from thinking about money so much.

Anyone else relate to this?

I don't see any reference to or mention of charitable giving, which I find really distasteful if your income is as high as you say.

I’m a bit of the opposite, I like to spend on my kids but not fussed about myself.

Happy to eat out if we are going into town for the day, or going to a day/beach trip, happy to buy ice cream from the vans when we’re at a park even although they are overpriced.

However, I don’t spend much on myself. I shop at Primark mostly and don’t buy expensive products like make up or creams etc. I’ve just never fancied spoiling myself, it’s the kids I like to spoil.

What is it costing you in headspace and time to live like this? Do you travel further to get to shop that sells cheap bleach for example?

All fine but the ice cream in a cool bag is pretty grim am not well off by any means but £10 at the ice cream van is a lovely treat for us all 🍦

I'm similar - but the way I look at it is that I like to make my money work hard, which I think is an extension of "look after the pennies and the pounds look after themselves" idea. So I'll get cashback when I shop via Quidco, and then I'll turn it into a gift card for an extra 3% on it, and then I'll get a pair of jeans that way - rather than just going and spending the money on the jeans. There are some things you can scrimp and shop around on and there are some you can't - hence the apparent disparity in spends.

I go to a ridiculously expensive London hairdresser

I buy high end make up

and then

My children go to private school (but I buy all uniform and kit second hand)

Ok then.

Control. & Prioritising nice things for you personally - but not for your children personally.

So hand-me-down uniforms can be justified with 'but I take you on nice holidays'. Presumably you're on holiday enjoying yourself too though so it's not personally, specifically to them in the way that your hairdos and make up are for you, for example.

I'm similar - I refuse to buy bottles of water (partly for environmental reasons) and I do research a lot of things before buying. But then will splurge on something I don't really need. To be honest, I think that we should all be buying more stuff second-hand because we are destroying the world with all the stuff that ends up in landfill.

I wouldn't be very happy if I was your ex DH, paying a 'very large' amount of child maintenance, yet my children had to wear 2nd hand school uniform and no treats/ice cream on days out, and my ex wife was splurging £100 on face cream, very expensive hairdressers and had a cleaner and a gardener!

From reading your initial couple of posts, I’d say that actually you are spending wisely. You are prioritising things for your children (holidays/education) and being frugal in other ways to make your money work harder for you. Just try and relax. Although the odd meal out can be really fun and a good experience for your little ones

I bet the amazing holidays for the children are really just amazing holidays for you and DH. Most kids prefer fun, cheaper holidays to a 5 star resort in the Maldives

We are comfortable (not loaded but a lot more than either of us had growing up). I would say we worry about money in terms of retirement and securing our DD’s future. But yes I worry daily and I grew up in a pretty skint family.

my changes in spending when I had my DD (22m) involved her having basically a blank cheque (up to a point obviously) and me switching down my personal care stuff, I buy much less for myself, I don’t spend as much on grooming etc. I’ve always looked for deals but wouldn’t spend hours on it. Just a thing in my head to look out for discounts. I do have a cleaner that comes everyday, I think thats money well spent but its for all of us not just me, makes our home life much more pleasant.

As long as you are wearing second hand clothes too that probably wouldn’t be so bad but I suspect you aren’t. I’m not knocking you, but you do prioritise the luxury stuff for yourself by the sounds of it. I’m not knocking second hand btw, I had a lot growing up, repair and mend is a good way to do stuff. I assume your very wealthy ex-husbands maintenance could stretch to a new school uniform and an ice cream cone.

I don’t really get it, I’m happy to spend whatever I need to on my DD, we cut back on ourselves first. Your kids sound well cared for so I’m sure you are a good parent but it is a bit odd tbh.

You sound like my mum, she was a very emotionally immature person because of a shit childhood, expensive face creams and expensive boots while we had to get our clothes from a market stall. Except you are in a position where you probably don’t have to choose between face cream and new school uniform, you choose to.

I go on a lot of days out and usually have lunch out with the kids. I sometimes take a picnic but not often. Always have icecreams. I budget £2000 for 6 week summer for this inc campsite.
I never buy second hand clothes. Do you wear second hand clothes?
I spend £50 every 2 months on hair and no face cream.
Low mortgage that I dont repay early. No reason to be rich in my 50s/60s when I need the money now.
Lovely holidays in uk.

Im MC too but your lifestyle and attitude is probably more typical of the class. Adults first and children in rags.

I think that it's normal to splurge on the things that are important and scrimp on stuff that is less so to you.
I think we have to be careful that it's not just things that look good to others that we are willing to be spend on, otherwise it gets shallow and our dc can get the wrong message. It's so easy in our society to do things to impress others rather than satisfying our true self.

I’m not as extreme as yourself but I do still budget when I really don’t need to. I grew up the DD of an immigrant who arrived in 1959 with literally nothing but a very hard work ethic who made it. There were too many dc that followed and we didn’t have much at all.

So I will use a coupon, DS and his GF just had day out attraction, it cost £50 for two tickets. I said if you told me I advance I could have got a discount.

I have bought second hand clothes because I’m a dab hand at sewing and crafting and enjoy altering stuff. Plus I like looking for old glass, crockery and books in charity shops.

I did buy from the uniform shop at DS school and donate his stuff back.
I taught DS the value of money and what it can do for you. He has never known what it’s like to go without. The ice cream thing is a bit mean, buy them ice cream.

I think it's incredibly selfish to spend a fortune on your make up and hair appointments but begrudge your DC lunch out and an ice cream from the ice cream van. My DC are also at private school, and they absolutely know which children are in second hand uniform btw.

My DC are also at private school, and they absolutely know which children are in second hand uniform btw.

why would they know this & why would they judge?

@countrytown it's obvious because second hand uniform is always a bit faded, or an older style. My DC don't judge, but some of the children (and their parents) do.

That's strange, the 2nd hand bits I buy are no more faded than the hand me downs from older siblings & plenty is barely worn plus they grow out of it so quickly I constantly have a surplus I donate back to the school.

I am careful with money but do not spend hours chasing pennies. When the children were small I had snacks and drinks in a rucksack but we had lunch at the venue. They had ice cream out as treats but I always had ice creams in the freezer at home and always said no to the ice cream van on the way home from school or in the street because it was wasteful.

Uniform was a mixture of hand me downs from friends and it went round and round as did some of their out of school stuff but they had good new stuff too.

Overall, yes we are careful but not mean and except for a perfume habit I am happy with No7 and a good lippy and mascara. Spend £100pcm on hair but wouldn't say it's high end.

We always took the DC out for meals for family occasions or occasional treats and there is nothing I like better than lunch with grown up dd. But I take a flask to work rather than spend £4/£5 per day on coffee.

Some things I'd never dream of spending on: nails, takeaways, high fashion, etc., but I don't think I'd ever have been mean with food.

I think your PAFA must have much higher standards in the second hand uniform shop than ours! I'm not saying there is anything wrong with second hand uniform at all, I'm really not, we've been very grateful for second hand sports kit given to us by friends over the years. But if OP's ex DH is paying 'large monthly maintenance' calculated to include the cost of (expensive) private school uniform, and she is saving that money to spend on face creams and hair appointments, it's deceitful.

I think expensive face cream is something you value so you spend.
Even though scientifically is deffo a con.

An ice cream and eating out is also a con. But bc valued by someone other than you, you don’t buy.

Not a problem..
except I think If kids do value that stuff, it seems a little on the mean side.

No problem with second hand uniform of course, we do that, most do- but if you child would value something new, would you buy it as a ‘treat’, the way you buy face cream for yourself.

As a pp, it does read very much as you getting all the treats!

Some of these are sensible and environmentally-friendly...looking for the best deals, buying second-hand from ebay, trying to keep food waste to a minimum.

Some seem a bit life-limiting or suggest you don't value yourself...spending hours shopping online for bargains, for example. Does your time not have a value? Also, never having coffee out. A coffee out is an experience...you aren't paying for the coffee, you're paying for a change of environment and hopefully a chance to relax and take some time for you. £2-£3 seems good value if you look at it that way. The out-of-date food...ok for some things like eggs, but for others, why risk your health by eating it? Does being in good health to take care of your family not have a value too?

Some of these seem a bit mean. Never buying food or ice-creams for your kids on days out, for instance. Yes, sensible not to do it all the time, but an ice-cream chosen from an ice-cream van by the children themselves at the seaside is an entirely different experience for your kids than a cornetto pulled from the freezer at home and I'm a little bit sorry for them if you can't see that.

We are well off. We live in a 5 bedroom detached house, 5+ holidays a year, 2 new cars, no debt whatsoever

We should never lose a moment of sleep over money ever in our lives

Children are well looked after and clothed

I still cannot bring myself to spend more than £10 on foundation. I buy my socks in Primark and will wait for an ASOS voucher code before buying clothes..

It's weird I get more pleasure out of knowing I have money, than what I get from spending it

My husband thinks I'm weird too; but he leaves me in control of the family finances and as long as he gets his hobby - he's good

We are very fortunate and as long as we never lose sight of that, then I think it's okay

@AmazinglyGraceless

Have you ever struggled for money?

I grew up very poor, watching my parents count pennies and hide from debt collectors in the kitchen, shushing us kids so that they thought no one was in. Dh and I have also had some very lean times in the past (although not to this extent).

Although I now spend a lot on nice holidays and days out, nicer things in general - some of the budgeting behaviours are so ingrained in me I can't imagine them ever leaving.

We shop in Lidl mainly. We could afford to shop in the local Sainsburys which is much closer, more convenient and affordable for us - but I still travel across town to Lidl. I just can't abide the thought of spending £120 on a shop I could get in Lidl for £60.

I also count as I shop. I don't need to anymore, but I did our of necessity for years. I do it so automatically now I can't not. I always know my trolley value to the penny, it blows dh's mind as I just walk around chatting as normal and at the end am like 'right that's £86.12' 😂

I also search for deals religiously when I splurge. If I can get a £900 TV for £850 after 3 hours of research of codes and offers I will. Even though, as dh points out, had I just done 3 hours of overtime in work instead and bought the £900 TV from the first shopping result, I would have earnt far more than the £50 I saved and have been better off and less stressed as a result. It makes no sense but I still do it.

I definitely think your background affects your view of money.

I grew up not 'poor' exactly, but our household income could vary wildly (sometimes there would be ponies and private schools; at other times, clothes from the charity shop. It's a long and tenuous story that I shan't bore you with). MY OH's background was more conventionally poor (although certainly not poverty-stricken).

I earn a very high salary (not quite the fabled Mumsnet six figures, but not far off), as does my OH and we are very comfortably off - no mortgage, no kids, live relatively frugally.

Our backgrounds have undoubtedly left both of us with a need for financial control, so we save a LOT, shop in Lidl etc, cook from scratch, hunt out bargains and good deals etc.

Part of this is, I think, common sense - throwing money away on stuff when you could get it cheaper five minutes along the road is just the living embodiment of a fool and their money soon parted - but part of it is undeniably a need for control.

The upside of this is security - my car recently needed repairs costing £500, which I could take out of our savings without thinking about it. I was also able to loan a friend a considerable chunk of money recently - she will pay me back over time, but if she was unable to, it wouldn't matter (I'm a great believer in 'never lend what you can't afford to spend').

However, like you OP, it also leads to a bit of overthinking and perhaps a little too much enforced parsimony.

On reflection, I'd rather be this way than the opposite, but a happy medium would be better.

It sounds like you are naturally frugal and it is just part of your nature. I am the same. I hate wasting money though I am actually quite well off. I am particularly cautious with not frittering small amounts of money. I love getting good quality second hand Karen Millen and Reiss clothes from ebay. I also do the thing of taking drinks and snacks out with us so I don't get caught having to pay over the odds.

People think this is hilarious as I am high earner, no mortgage etc. they can't believe I am happy to wear "someone else's clothes" (but it is a bargain and it helps the planet!) I have an old, small runaround car which is fine for me as I am not interested in cars except to get from A to B and be able to park easily. However, in the last 2 and a half years I have spent a shocking amount of money renovating our house, and now the garden. But I see it as a good investment as we get pleasure from living in a lovely environment every day. Others are different and would much rather splurge on meals/nights out but that is more of an occasional thing for me.

I spend a lot of time thinking about money and planning for it. I thought once the mortgage was paid off I would relax but there is always the next thing. I am now planning how much extra I should put in my pension each year to retire when I want, if I should start LISAs for the children, how much I need to put by for the Uni years etc. I know how lucky I am, don't get me wrong, but I am just not someone who will ever be able to relax and not think/worry about finances.

My husband is the opposite. He fritters small amounts of money every day and can't remember where it has gone. He earns a decent salary himself. He is then shocked that I have money in the bank to cover big ticket items that he sees as as profligate (but I see as an investment).

So I think there are two issues at work. Firstly, a natural frugality that you either have or you don't. Secondly, people differ in what is a priority for them.