Anyone else very financially comfortable but spend SO much time thinking about money

[Marni83]

I earn a good salary
In addition my ex husband is extremely wealthy and so I receive a very large monthly maintenance for our two children.

However in recent years I have become very money focussed. Internally. I don’t ever talk about it but I think about it a lot.

I shop around online for hours trying to find the cheapest of something.
I will go way out of my way to save pennies on, say, bleach
Would never eat out with the children / very rarely buy ice creams etc. Instead I pack picnics ALL the time and bring ice creams in cool bags - meaning I’m always lugging so much around BUT saving, saving
I scour eBay for clothes, books etc
I would never buy myself a coffee
I use up everything in the fridge, never ever waste. I will eat something out of date in order not to waste (never the children though!)

But here’s the contradiction

I am very generous with friends
I splurge on incredible holidays for the children
I spend a small fortune on our home
I have a cleaner and a gardener
I go to a ridiculously expensive London hairdresser
I buy high end make up
My children go to private school (but I buy all uniform and kit second hand)
I drive an absolute banger of a car

It’s odd. I spend ages thinking about money. Budgeting endlessly
Future planning - paying off mortgage, what investments, pension

But then - absolutely splurge on other things.

I want to free myself from thinking about money so much.

Anyone else relate to this?

She sends them to private school ffs, she could get a load more face cream if she decided to stop that.

Maybe her wealthy ex is paying the school fees, or at least given her higher maintenance to cover the fees? So maybe she wouldn’t have more money if it stopped?

I can relate to some things, like eating up food, taking picnics, but the ice cream thing is weird. If you don’t want to buy from a van then pick up a pack from local supermarket!

An ice-cream from a van or a shop is much nicer than one from a supermarket. It's not just the ice-cream itself but also the chance to choose your own flavour and cone. My DC loves being able to choose their own ice-cream and ask for what they want themselves...it makes them feel very grown up. Yes, it's an expensive treat so not something we'd do the whole time but every now and again it's nice.

@birdsong7 As so many are identifying with what the OP says, the thread obviously isn't odd to many of us.

It seems to me that our save/spend habits are the opposite side of the coin to being a shopaholic. I know my frugality is linked to childhood trauma and my abusive mother was a shopaholic (she had also suffered childhood trauma).

I'm going to listen to the podcast mentioned upthread, but I don't think it'll change my save/spend habits a great deal.

I'm generous to family, friends and charities but absolutely have to feel I'm in control and not getting bad value for money.

My Dh grew up in home with scrimping parents. Had very few typical childhood experiences.

When he left Uni (they didnt pay the amount they were due to pay) they bought a second home in cash. It really upset the children who had not had the childhood of their friends

We decided the opposite. We are both high earners but we did everything with our children. We have had a great time since they left home as well. Money is there to spend

In our case my DH was diagnosed with multiple cancers at 56. Life is too short to live for tomorrow- saving for a miserable future doesn't trump having a great life for me.

Op I know people like this and tbh as long as you keep these anomalies to yourself - fine, whats horrendous is having people who are geniunly on a constant tight budget, having their wealthier associates budget saving thrust in their face - ie getting 20p on one hand or saving 20 p on parking then going on an all inclusive to Barbados...

infuriating,

OP as an aside, I would simply manage the money better and have money set aside for different things so that might help?

Eg once you have all your outgoings worked out - give yourself an allowance, and put money aside for the odd treat when out - for saving, for yourself for whatever? WE divide every penny up, we are on a tight budget but I know I can spend £££ freely on a weekend because thats what is set aside for it.

I love a picnic - always been disappointed eating out.
Anyway, DH & I grew up with nothing so from very early on in our working lives we were frugal and were thinking about saving for the future. Started early so we didn't miss what we saved, and just became habitually frugal. Starting to relax a bit now, but still very much bargain hunters.
Spend mostly on quality items for the house and good quality food, education and hobbies for the children.
We'll both be retired early, which is the big result, and we'll be able to support the children as they get older, particularly if they wanted to set up their own business or pursue something other than a standard career, we could get them started.

Otherwise, we still live frugally - but buy quality things that we maintain so they last (cars, clothes etc), do most of house maintenance and all DIY - DH great at plumbing, landscaping etc. Never had a cleaner or gardener, and don't think we ever will
I use nice natural skin care which is generally inexpensive but I will usually pick up when discounted. Don't have jewellery or beauty treatments. Usually an annual expensive haircut & highlights does me.

Anything else isn't really important to us apart from the children, living comfortably, retiring early so we can do things that interest us. We enjoy simple things, but not worrying about bills and having time are our luxuries.

Goldbar Fri 20-Aug-21 09:47:52

^^ exactly, I loathe any extreme behaviour - we mostly do buy ice cream from supermarkets etc but usually have one out and about as well. But we have specific money set aside for the hot choclate, ice cream - treat when out - that money is not robbing anything else and is specifically for weekends...

It surprises me that people dont simply organize their money.

As an aside neither of us can bare to be around pils anymore and esp not on special occasions because of the dominance of money saving that permeates every single gathering.

Double we do pinics too but we also sometimes eat out?

How can people be so rigid?

So basically you value different things to some other people and prioritising spending on those things? That's completely normal and something everyone does, surely????

agree that some of the things you mentioned are a bit over the top though. E.g shopping around to save pennies on Bleach. Do you work? Can you work out your hourly rate? If so perhaps you could reevaluate your thinking - so I've gone to homebargains and got Bleach for 39p rather than 45p in sainaburies but that's taken half an hour, I get paid twenty pounds per hour so I've actually spent 9.94 extra on Bleach...etc. same with carrying around cool boxes for the sake of saving a quid or two. Just buy an ice cream from the van occasionally, or wait until they get home!

Very much not financially comfortable and spend all my time thinking about and worrying about money. I wish I could feel less precarious.

@Wheretoeattweenandteen I didn't say we didn't eat out occasionally, but it will be somewhere good when we do.
So if we're at the beach, a picnic is perfect, and the children go off to the cafe for ice-cream.
Is that ok?

Littlecloud19 Fri 20-Aug-21 09:55:00

We had no spare money for about ten years I never knew when I was out what we could afford and whether that would send us into OD etc.

SO I started to save bit by bit, £2 here and there at first in those tins you cant open but had lots of tins, back then I got about £40 by xmas which was a lot to us back then and it felt wonderful to have that little extra to pull on.

WE went further and now every penny is always spilt into numerous pots, several savings pots, for long term stocks and shares, then secondary saving pot for house emergencies, then car savings so we can break the back of car work, mot etc,.....saving for xmas, bday, holidays, each week we draw out exactly what we use for petrol, and food...

its ironic that by taking total control over the money - I now have the freedom to use what is specifically for fun, for fun! Often its not enough! Often I go over a little, but its usually enough for a take away each weekend or cheap meal out with the dc, or cheaper entrance somewhere with picnic and an ice cream from a van

the rambling point is - we save - every penny but seem to enjoy our £ more than far richer people around us because we give ourselves a small weekly allowance for fun?

Flip it. The reason you ARE financially comfortable is that you've previously spent so much time thinking about money.

It's the old adage of "look after the pennies and the pounds look after themselves".

It's a cumulation of all the decisions you've made since you were a teenager that have made you financially comfortable.

Ok Double, I will stand down.

@Wheretoeattweenandteen The 'always been disappointed by eating out' is generally if we go out for the day to a NT place, or places in our local touristy town, which are very overpriced and underwhelming, so we are likely to pack a wrap or sandwich. We don't bother with eating out at the beach.
If we're out & about in London we'll go somewhere I know or recommended, or we'll pick up Pret for time saving.
It's more about discernment and what works for us, than rigidity.

A lot of your spending won’t be forever though will it?

School will finish, taking them away will end as they start going with friends and their own families, everyone likes a picnic!
The mortgage will go down.

I think as long as you remain aware of your spending and saving then there’s nothing wrong with investing in yourself.

The 'always been disappointed by eating out'

^^ you tiggered me, my three home owning DB and sil - ( two homes paid outright and rented out) salary over 100 grand, no dc, brought my dc a treat - some second hand tights from a baby sale at 50p....one of the only gifts they got them....always used to say that...why eat out when can eat at home!

Sil prides herself on how frugal she is - and I cant believe what an absolutely miserable life she leads I cant get over it.

@thevassal

So basically you value different things to some other people and prioritising spending on those things? That's completely normal and something everyone does, surely????

agree that some of the things you mentioned are a bit over the top though. E.g shopping around to save pennies on Bleach. Do you work? Can you work out your hourly rate? If so perhaps you could reevaluate your thinking - so I've gone to homebargains and got Bleach for 39p rather than 45p in sainaburies but that's taken half an hour, I get paid twenty pounds per hour so I've actually spent 9.94 extra on Bleach...etc. same with carrying around cool boxes for the sake of saving a quid or two. Just buy an ice cream from the van occasionally, or wait until they get home!

But you don't need to spend more time going shop to shop.

What we do is rotate our shopping. It's Tesco one week, Asda the next, etc., with the discount shops in between. We never go to more than one shop on any day and certainly don't go shop to shop just to find, say, the cheapest loo rolls that day!

For all "cupboard" items, i.e. packets, tins, jars, cleaning stuff, etc that doesn't need consuming quickly or putting in the fridge, we buy when we see it's cheap, whichever shop we're in. It's easy to remember prices of the stuff you buy regularly.

With online shopping it's even easier as you don't need to remember anymore. Current prices are all online so it's easy to see and compare current pricing to see which shops have the offers on what you usually buy.

The main supermarkets "rotate" the offers, i.e. McCoys crisps 6 pack will always be £1 somewhere. Some weeks it's Asda, some weeks it's Tesco. Same with fizzy drinks, Heinz beans, etc etc. The offers from the main brands are on a carousel around the store brands.

Discount stores (B&M, Home Bargains, etc) usually have the less popular items (less popular flavours of crisps etc) and less fluctuation in prices. I.e. our preferred butter spread is always £1 at Home Bargains but fluctuates in the main stores.

Knowing all of this doesn't mean we have trek around different stores all day. It's just a matter of remembering and planning.

Carry on with your high-end hairdresser and £100 face cream but on the next picnic, let the kids choose a '99 with raspberry sauce and sprinkles (other ice-creams and flavours available).

@user1497207191 You're absolutely right. Where we are is because we made hay while the sun shone. We were dinkys for a long time.
I don't know anyone who's well-off that is not careful with money. Those who aren't well-off either haven't had the opportunities or are big spenders - I know a few of those.

You have to have money to make money - speculate to accumulate, and all that.

@DoubleTweenQueen always been disappointed eating out

Yes, we're the same. We've eaten out in all kinds of places and are usually disappointed. We do a lot of "proper" cooking at home, i.e. meals cooked from scratch rather than "pinging" ready meals. Why go out and spend £50-£100 for a meal that's not as good as we can have at home for a tenner and with poor service too? We've found that we have to go to much more expensive restaurants to get comparable meals/service, and £100-£200 or more for a meal for two is not something we can justify.

On days out, we either take a packed lunch, or get a takeaway from a chip shop, or (shock horror) a McDonalds or Subway. Yes, the food is crap, but you know what you're getting and it's cheap. We've been in loads of independent cafes for lunch and you end up paying through the nose for the same low quality. Our worst was a sandwich in a trendy cafe in Christchurch - came to £50 for a couple of sandwiches and drinks for just the two of us - they didn't even put butter/spread on the bread and it tasted vile, the service was also abysmal. £50 for the "pleasure" of sitting in a trendy cafe with weird things attached to the walls - I seem to remember there was an old rusty tricycle and a wheel barrow hanging from the ceiling. What a load of crap!

@Wheretoeattweenandteen That's where we've gone awry to- no property portfolio! Only the one home! But we're both dead against what's happened to the housing market and the issue of holiday homes, so we haven't done it.
Eyeing up somewhere in France possibly though

I think a lot of people consider the cost and enjoyment of eating at some places (being a week's groceries and fairly disappointing for the most part) pushes them away ,- certainly for a family of four.
Sorry if I reminded you of you SIL!
I'm sure you & I actually have more in common

user1497207191 Fri 20-Aug-21 10:40:30

^^ usually we do research and read reviews.