If you have parents in a large house they can't manage

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And you think it's time they downsized, where do you think they should go?

I'm still young ish but I've been thinking about this for myself and am finding that suitable properties don't really exisit:

• A nice small bungalow on a small plot. Likely to cost more than my house is worth, bungalows are often on large plots and when they do come onto the market are snapped up by developers.

• A smaller house. Round here the only small houses are either very rural (not ideal for elderly) or terraced starter homes in not very nice parts of town. I spent a lifetime moving away from those areas.

• A flat. Again, very risky in terms of who your neighbours will be and it matters more when they're so close. Plus a little outdoor space at home is more important if you can get out less?

• A retirement flat. Very expensive and seem to be full of financial pitfalls

• I even looked at "park homes", but no one seems to have a good word for them, financially they seem to be viewed as something of a scam.

Ideally I'd have a small but well appointed 2/3 bedroom detached dwelling with a little courtyard garden. It doesn't exist though.

Those of you telling parents they need to downsize, do the small yet suitable places exist where you live? Where do you envisage them going?

I think as PP have said part of the problem is although people need to 'downsize' in terms of space or a more easily adaptable property, it often isn't downsizing in terms of money. FIL cannot accept that his 3 bed detached with v big neglected garden which hasn't been decorated anywhere in at least 20 years, and hasn't had anything done to the bathroom or kitchen in more like 40, which needs new windows and probably a new boiler, is worth about the same as a smaller 2 bed bungalow with a manageable little courtyard garden in or a flat taking into account service charges, and so he refuses to consider moving as I. His mind he should be able to get a smaller property and have a considerable cash sum.

I would love to downsize now everyone has gone and there is just the 2 of us (and money isn't really a problem) but there is nothing I see that I'd want to have.

A small rural property with no neighbours is the dream but they don't seem to exist any more.

It comes down to letting going of the bigger property (and stuff) and accepting that smaller manageable properties are not necessarily cheaper.

DM is stuck in a big house that she can’t manage. I’ve already downsized once and will be looking for a flat before I’m 70.

My late dh and I moved to a 2 bedroomed bungalow from 3 bedroomed extended semi 9 years ago. We were very fortunate because the bungalow is on the same estate, just a different road and it came with a 20 x12.5 foot lounge and 19 foot x10 foot kitchen diner. Bedrooms are not large - 12 x8 foot but was a good compromise. Loads of storage plus garage. Suitable places are available!
ALSO because we sold our semi 18 months after buying the bungalow, prices shot up and we sold our semi for more than we paid for the bungalow. Win win!

Just checked the old estate agent's details - bedrooms are 12x 9.5 foot so not as small as I thought!
Medium sized gardens at back and front and driveway for 2 cars.
Very happy!

We are struggling with this with FIL. He is living in the wildly unsuitable 3 bed (but the main bedroom is 26' long, front to back of the house) house he and MIL bought in 1976, when it was to house them and DH and DH's grandma.

FIL is now 86, alone and struggling. He will not contemplate leaving the house but cannot keep it or himself clean and sanitary. He has been refusing to put a shower in anywhere for 25 years, although the downstairs cloakroom could accommodate one with no jigging about at all, it's so big.

He will not have help in the house, or for his health, or "people telling him what to do" (which is a laugh, because he's been telling everyone else what to do all his life). He still drives but has a minor bump/ parking ticket every month and any attempt to get him to discuss giving up is met with towering rage. He is increasingly hoarding paper and food, and time is slipping for him - both in terms of elapse time ("I spent 4 hours on the phone, when it was 15 minutes") and general time passing ("yesterday" means anything from "an hour ago" to "twenty years ago").

We don't have an answer. If we could support him to stay there without burning it down or poisoning himself, we would, but he won't accept any help. In an ideal world, he needs a small well-appointed flat close to amenities, but that "is not suitable" apparently. The issue is not that he cannot find anywhere to downsize to, but that it is our duty to completely rearrange our lives to support him in his wish to stay where he is. This is not possible, or desirable.

Have you looked at ExtraCare properties? They are amazing! Sorry if it's already been mentioned, I didn't read all the comments.

My Dad moved in to a flat last year. He is having the most amazing time. You can outright buy a flat, or partially buy and rent the rest - my Dad half bought and half rents. They are self contained flats, but with everything on site you'd need, like :

Restaurant (amazing food)
Bars
Sunday Carvery
Weekly shows
Bars
Gym
Events on every day, clubs to join

My Dad's flat is ultra modern. Absolutely stunning. He meets friends most nights for a drink. Last night they all went to a show in the theatre that's downstairs. My Dad is 79 and not very mobile, but he and his mates all tootle around on their scooters.

If he deteriorates in any way, we can purchase a care package for him.

He has a red pull cord in every room, just in case he falls. Also, if he doesn't call the "check in" number by 11am each day, someone (with a master key) visits his flat to check he's ok.

When people pass away, the Trust buys the property back immediately, ready to sell to a new person coming in.

Highly recommend.

www.extracare.org.uk/?aff=gppc-brand&gclid=CjwKCAjwmeiIBhA6EiwA-uaeFTh_ZVXq66aO8QYhnlXfKrvhVVhREaXDoTOvoNsgoTaEaMRLo0nxvxoCpMwQAvD_BwE

Forgot to attach the link, but here you go ^^

judgejudyrocks How much are the service charges at ExtraCare? I've looked at their website (although there is no village in Surry or Kent where my daughters live) the nearest one is in High Wycombe!

Also what are the prices of two bedroom flats? They do look lovely and modern I agree. I don't want to contact EC and get bombarded with emails as a result IYSWIM!

My parents moved from a detached 5 bed Edwardian villa with a huge garden in the suburbs of a large town to a 3 bed bungalow with a small garden in the centre of a small market town. Bungalow cost £100k more than they sold the big house for.

The bungalow is ideal for them, but they were very fortunate to have the money to match the difference.

People across the road from me (a few houses ago) had a really big garden, so they applied for planning permission to build a bungalow.

They built a lovely two bed with a really big living room, kept a small garden that they had landscapes to be suitable for them as they grew older (raised beds etc).

Once they moved into the bungalow they had some improvements done to the big house and remaining garden, basically made everything simpler. Then they sold the big house, which was now much more attractive to younger families especially as it didn’t come with a massive garden that needs a lot of maintenance.

They said another big plus was that basically they got to choose their new neighbours too. They didn’t lose their other neighbours and friends locally either.

It took about three years start to finish. It did cost them quite a lot of money. But the bank loaned them it based on value of original house which they owned outright and they had enough money from retirement lump sums to make repayments until house was sold.

They were late sixties when they started. They came round to explain it to us before they submitted the planning application. They were obviously desperate (in a very sweet way) that no-one objected because it was just such a perfect solution for them.

sunshinesupermum My Dad paid about £150k for half ownership and rents the other half. I can't remember what the rent and service charges are now, but suffice to say that his pension plus state pension isn't much and he survives fine. The key was to have less than £16k in savings as then he qualified for some benefits. The home helps you with all of this.

Came back from abroad where we had lived in a massive old house with a pool and land to a 2 bed detached bungalow needing work which was meant to be a stop gap while we were waiting for our house to sell. Did it up with the thought we might sell it on but 10 years later we are still here and very happy. We are mid 60s and probably won't move again but if we did it would be another bungalow. I’ve always loved single level living, versatile and no problems should mobility issues arise.
Lots of bungalows where we live which is just as well as there's lots of us oldies wanting to buy them. Sell in no time.

My PILs downsized from the family home (70s detached 4-bed with a really odd layout, and with the most enormous and beautiful but very sloping garden) to a 2-bed bungalow much nearer to a couple of their children. It worked well for them as they were able to have much more help from family especially as they became more frail. They were really heartbroken to leave their huge garden though.
My own parents actually upsized from a 3 bed terrace (the home I grew up in) to a 4-bed semi, I thought and still think that they were daft to do this but they felt "not ready for a bungalow". They have done a lot of work to their new house as it was quite old-fashioned, owned by an elderly lady who clearly became unable to cope with it. I don't think they're future proofing it e.g. they had a new bathroom put in but no separate shower (bathroom easily big enough for a shower cubicle) basically they seem to have recreated their old house in the new one. They're fit and active for their ages so best case scenario is we might get another 10 years before they have to move again (they live far too far away for me to be of any immediate practical help to them)

"Not ready for bungalow" is a very common view but one which I've never really got. Our first home was a bungalow when we were just 22. We've lived in houses but we've preferred living in the bungalows.

My h and I are probably the age of some of your parents (65-70) and downsizing is the last thing we want to do. Just because we are getting older doesn't mean we suddenly need less space or have fewer posessions. I can't imagine anything worse than being forced to spend nearly 24 hrs a day in the same room as my h, much as I love him. We survive by pursuing separate interests, certainly at home. We had our house extended and fully refurbished a few years ago - the idea being that it would see us out, and we didn't want to spend time doing things to the house as we planned to travel more (yes, that's gone well, hasn't it?!). We could easily have a stair lift put in, or even move a couple of bedrooms downstairs if we had to. After 20 years here, the thought of moving (and sorting) so much stuff is enough to give me a fit of the vapours.
It's very much horses for courses though, isn't it? I have friends who live in one bed retirement flats that don't even have balconies. In that recent hot spell they were so stuffy and hot inside too. They are the closest thing to God's waiting room I've ever seen. I could never live without a garden/decent outside space.

Thanks JudgeJudy

@Brownlongearedbat who are you going to leave sorting all your stuff out to, if you can't face it?

My mum is in a Victorian terrace. If I was her I would live downstairs with my ront room as a bedroom and do a small extension for a bathroom downstairs.

Unfortunately my mum wont consider spending money or being out of profit so that's ruled out her moving anywhere.

I think most people could adapt a house to be more accessible. Unfortunately my mums house has front steps and they knocked the living room and dining room together.

I hope that I myself will think about this before I hit 70s as I think any kind of move would be the end of her. However she is very highly strung and also pretty clueless. She thinks her 3 bed SE Kent house is worth £500 just because she has no awareness of these things

What do they want OP? Just make sure you're all on the same page. The nighbours next door moved from Dublin. The kids organised it all, talked them into it and they hate it, too quiet for them and they're living next door to noisy neighbours (other side, not us!!) Their lawn is huge and it looks like it's breaking him to mow it at the weekend after a long commute and week at work (he's only 63). Met the kids the other day and they were so happy that they'd convinced them to leave Dublin and I secretly wanted to shake them and say well done (sarcastically!)

We’re only in our 50s but have recently moved
, partially with future proofing in mind. It’s a bungalow which has had bedrooms etc added upstairs.
Neither of us are too creaky yet, but if/when the time comes we can live in the downstairs very happily. We have a lot of renovations to do and wanted to do it while we were both on full salaries rather than pensions.

I was very conscious of this issue because of my father’s lifelong disability. Their house was a bungalow with similar extension upstairs. From when I was relatively young I was aware that my parents could just live downstairs and it kind of stuck.
I have no issue with having help in the house, whether that be cleaning, decorating, changing a lightbulb etc. As much as anything, you’re helping someone else with an income.

The thing is you just don't know how able you will or won't be as the year advance. My DM had a neighbour who's stayed in her own house until she died at the age of 100. She was doing all her own cleaning right to the end.

Get lodgers. Fund retirement.

Give lodgers favourable rates if they will mow lawns and change bulbs.

My widowed 80yr old mum who is also terminally ill with cancer lives in a very old 3 bed cottage, lots of outbuildings and an acre of land. She manages somehow to keep on top of things but it is a huge struggle. I do what I can to help and she has a gardener but there is no way she Will move. My late dad broke his back to but their dream cottage, he died there and so will my mum.

@Brownlongearedbat who are you going to leave sorting all your stuff out to, if you can't face it?

My thoughts exactly!

My parents bought their last house in 1979. Mum died last year, and Dad decided he wanted to move to a Retirement Village, as the house was too big for him to clean (small house) and he couldn't manage the stairs. He was peeing in the garden to avoid the stairs!

I don't think they had ever had a "clear out" since 1979. The loft was floor to ceiling packed with stuff, as was the garage, as was the shed.

It took me, DH and my adult son days of sorting through and clearing out stuff in to a skip, whilst my Dad, who likes to play the Foreman, watched on, doing nothing but giving directions. It was one of the most stressful things I've ever had to do.

Also, very hard physically, I'm 51 myself and was lifting and carrying heavy objects up and downstairs and throwing in to the skip, for days on end, and it was 30 degrees.

My Dad couldn't do any of it. And he also seemed incapable of making any rational decisions about stuff. We found an old love letter which he ripped in half and threw across the table. He wondered what to do with Mum's ashes, and whether to scatter them or just leave them in the shed (for new owners??!!). It was like dealing with a giant toddler.

Me : Who is the house insured with Dad?
Him : Don't know

Me : Who is the gas and electric with?
Him : Don't know

Me : Who is your car insured with?
Him : Don't know

Me : Can you make us a cup of tea Dad?
Him : To be honest I'm too tired- just watching you is making me tired.

Him : I cleared the Garage before you arrived
Me : But Dad, it's still half full of stuff
Him : It's fine
Me : Dad, it has to be totally empty, you can't leave stuff for the new owners to clear.
Him : For fucks sake

Him : Here are 3 bin bags full of Mum's dress jewellery, you'll have to deal with it all.
Me : Fine

Aargh. Very, very hard.

DH's Dad has now decided he wants to sell up. He has a 7 bed manse full of stuff. Let the games begin.

I will not leave so much for my own kids to sort through.