If you have parents in a large house they can't manage

[ExpressDelivery]

And you think it's time they downsized, where do you think they should go?

I'm still young ish but I've been thinking about this for myself and am finding that suitable properties don't really exisit:

• A nice small bungalow on a small plot. Likely to cost more than my house is worth, bungalows are often on large plots and when they do come onto the market are snapped up by developers.

• A smaller house. Round here the only small houses are either very rural (not ideal for elderly) or terraced starter homes in not very nice parts of town. I spent a lifetime moving away from those areas.

• A flat. Again, very risky in terms of who your neighbours will be and it matters more when they're so close. Plus a little outdoor space at home is more important if you can get out less?

• A retirement flat. Very expensive and seem to be full of financial pitfalls

• I even looked at "park homes", but no one seems to have a good word for them, financially they seem to be viewed as something of a scam.

Ideally I'd have a small but well appointed 2/3 bedroom detached dwelling with a little courtyard garden. It doesn't exist though.

Those of you telling parents they need to downsize, do the small yet suitable places exist where you live? Where do you envisage them going?

There are loads of properties you’ve described in my area.

Having watched my parents and in-laws banging on about downsizing for years, to where they’re now past the point of having the energy, enthusiasm or wherewithal to actually do it, DH and I have decided that the time for downsizing is about 5 years before you start thinking you need to, while we are still fit and well and able to manage the property we currently live in.

The problem my parents have is with waiting too long and getting past it, the house they are currently in is not far off needing a complete refurb which would have to be reflected in the sale price, and to get a bungalow that they’d love with little work needing to be done would mean they have no equity/lump sum left from the sale of theirs. They can’t get their heads around that or see the value in a move.

The problem my parents have is with waiting too long and getting past it,

This happened to my granny, she didn't want to leave her home & garden when a flat was available but then struggled with the stairs & maintaining said garden but couldn't face moving by then.

- A smaller house. Round here the only small houses are either very rural (not ideal for elderly) or terraced starter homes in not very nice parts of town. I spent a lifetime moving away from those areas

A weird town if their are no medium size houses.

They are building some nice flats for over 55s in my town. Not sheltered accommodation as such, although there are people on site 24/7. It has a gym, hairdressers, nice gardens, coffee place etc. Seems like a good solution. It’s a short walk into town which has a railway station.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t see my grandmas moving into that kind of place. They’re too attached to their 3/4 bed homes with huge gardens. One of them is very snooty about flats, no matter how lovely, while the other has lived in her home for nearly 60 years, so it’s too many memories. Over the years my parents have found them solutions such as small 2 bed houses, but they’re quite firm on staying put.

My MIL moved to a 2 bed bungalow from a 3 bed semi a couple of years ago.
She’s only 65 but she wanted to future proof her life before she retires in the next couple of years, she’s renovating it at the moment whilst she has the money available and she’s still working so hopefully it won’t need much doing as she gets older.
My mum lives in a house that needs loads of work doing to it, it needs a new kitchen and bathroom and the garden is far too big. There is no way she can afford to move, and she definitely can afford to do the work the house needs.
Dh and I have just built an extension on our house, we put in a downstairs shower room and we have space to convert a room to a bedroom if we need to, we are only in our 40s but we like the area and don’t plan on moving again.

@ExpressDelivery

Well yes, I don't want to move away from where my friends and family are. Why would I or any elderly person?

I've been looking within a 10 mile radius of where I am, but close to bus routes and amenities.

Because in choosing to make the decision to move somewhere more suitable you avoid (for longer if not forever, dependent upon your circumstances) ending up in the sort of sorry state that sees the council putting you in a care home.

The downside is having to start again with new friendships and possibly having worse neighbours.

There's few detached houses anywhere because most people can't afford them, so realistically you'd need to look at semi's. Although most people wanting their parents to move somewhere more suitable, their parents probably already live in 2-3 bed semi's and that's what they're not coping with!

I think a lot of old people can't manage stairs, can't keep a large home (which a 2-3 bed semi is) clean, they can't keep on top of their possessions so it becomes filled with clutter, they can't manage even a small garden and can't afford to heat/repair it. Crucially, it often seems they can't face upto their situation either, preferring to stick their heads in the sand and burden their children with endless "small" things (they're not) which take over almost all the children's downtime in either thinking about it or doing it.

Nobody living in a flat is happy to be surrounded by anti social neighbors but you might equally get good ones. If a flat is all you can manage, doesn't that make for a better quality of life than mouldering away living frugally in two rooms of a large cluttered house that's falling apart around you, almost permanently cold in rooms that smell where you never open the windows because it'd let the precious heat out, in semi darkness from the trees and bushes outside that haven't been pruned in years?

The problem is that people want the same amount of living space (including a garden), only with fewer bedrooms. My parents would be perfectly happy with 2 bedrooms, but they’d want the same downstairs space/garden as their 5 bedroom house. They definitely don’t want a small sitting room and a tiny kitchen (and certainly not an open plan layout). I can’t really see how to reconcile that with the available housing stock.

We're on the last house we'll own. We bought it for the following reasons:

Stairs, because nothing kills your lower limbs faster than a bungalow. Straight stairs, so a lift can be put in later. It's in a village with a surgery, three bus services, a Co-op, and two takeaways. It has no garden, because we hate them.

Because in choosing to make the decision to move somewhere more suitable you avoid (for longer if not forever, dependent upon your circumstances) ending up in the sort of sorry state that sees the council putting you in a care home

You have some very odd notions about care homes. One of the advantages of being a homeowner is that “the council” can’t put you anywhere. If you’re going to deteriorate to the point of needing residential care, where you live is immaterial.

We moved last year from a 3 bed, 2 floor apartment to agound floor apartment. Its slightly more central with easy walking to docs, bar etc . We've done a lot to it and have a sizable sum left. You really need to do it a long time before you think you do. It's a big upheaval and a lot of stress. It's very hard work and realistically takes nearly 2 years with all the sorting, packing decorating etc. Don't just talk about it , do it!

@OublietteBravo

The problem is that people want the same amount of living space (including a garden), only with fewer bedrooms. My parents would be perfectly happy with 2 bedrooms, but they’d want the same downstairs space/garden as their 5 bedroom house. They definitely don’t want a small sitting room and a tiny kitchen (and certainly not an open plan layout). I can’t really see how to reconcile that with the available housing stock.

My parents are exactly the same

@Blossomtoes

Because in choosing to make the decision to move somewhere more suitable you avoid (for longer if not forever, dependent upon your circumstances) ending up in the sort of sorry state that sees the council putting you in a care home

You have some very odd notions about care homes. One of the advantages of being a homeowner is that “the council” can’t put you anywhere. If you’re going to deteriorate to the point of needing residential care, where you live is immaterial.

You're missing the point. There's nothing wrong with care homes if they're well run but a lot are understaffed and almost nobody wants to go into one however nice it is.

Being a homeowner doesn't mean you don't get put into a care home, that's incorrect.

My point, which passed you by, is that you'll end up in a care home sooner if you're not coping with the home you currently have. Because old people get ill more and hospitals can't discharge you until you have somewhere suitable to live.

Social workers are part of the local authority ie "the council" and it's them who say where you need to live. If you live somewhere manageable where you can cope with carers coming to help you then you get discharged from hospital to stay there. If you keep ending up in hospital because where you live is causing you repeated illness or injury, you may find the decision taken out of you hands and your home needing to be sold to pay for the care home fees.

My mum is busy 'future proofing' her house. There's a bathroom downstairs and the garden has been redone to be easier to manage. There are big steps going down to outside so she's had rails added etc. She lives on a bus route. She has a gardener and a window cleaner and is happy to get a cleaner once she needs one. There are no suitable houses in her area.

My dad on the other hand........
He's in his 80s and lives in the middle of nowhere. He has at least an hours drive to the shops. His nearest neighbours are half a mile away.
He likes the solitude..........
I have absolutely no idea how to get him to find a more suitable accomodation as his health fails (as it is doing)
I should add that I live hundreds of miles away and am an only child.

We live in a bungalow. It will be too big once the kids leave but we will stay because its a bungalow. I intend to get gardener, cleaner, window cleaner etc.

If a suitable smaller house/bungalow don't exist then future proof what you've got. Either stairlift or downstairs accessible bathroom and convert a downstairs room into bedroom.

Clear stuff, don't hold onto stuff because you might use it one day. Less stuff means easier to maintain and/or deal with after you've gone or need to go into a home.

As I said @BeeOnADandelion, you really don’t understand the process. Social workers can’t just swoop in and decant homeowners with capacity into a care home and sell their home from under them. It’s quite concerning that you think they can.

Disgrace my DPs (in their 80s) downsized to a three story town house - it was much smaller than their previous property but the purposefully chose somewhere with stairs! Much, much smaller garden (they had acres before) but enough to keep their interest. They did relocate to a new area but near a train station, shops, GP etc within walking distance & they loved it. They are sociable & out going & soon made new friends.

Honestly, I think I will be happy in a flat and hope my hearing deteriorates just a little so I'm not bothered about neighbours.

I have already done this. My body is not the best and every month I have something new wrong with it. I live in the middle of nowhere. And it worried me what would happen in the future with stairs etc.
We bought a bungalow. Four bedrooms and a garden. Near the shops in a quiet part of town.
We move in hopefully next month. I’m 46 years old. But I didn’t want to get to the point where me living where I was living was going to be a problem. I cannot wait to not have the stairs anymore.

@DisgraceToTheYChromosome when I bought my house in a very large village it had a daily bus service going past all day.
We now get only one and it comes past at 7am. That’s it.
We have al moaned and groaned but nothing has been done. It has happened to a lot of villages round here. You cannot live out here without a car anymore.

If it wouldn't leave you in financial difficulty, I think I'd say the bungalow. It might be galling to pay as much for a small house as for a big one, but if it's a more suitable house it's a better option.

My parents were supposed (by their own wish) to be moving into a smaller house nearer me, and have just put an offer in on a massive house (though, to be fair, it is near me). And there are plenty of small houses available. It's their life, but I hope it doesn't mean they'll have to move again. Mind you, one set of my grandparents lived in a massive house until they died. They had a downstairs loo and shower and slowly stopped using the upstairs at all. I suppose that's one option, though it doesn't feel like a very good one!

@OublietteBravo

The problem is that people want the same amount of living space (including a garden), only with fewer bedrooms. My parents would be perfectly happy with 2 bedrooms, but they’d want the same downstairs space/garden as their 5 bedroom house. They definitely don’t want a small sitting room and a tiny kitchen (and certainly not an open plan layout). I can’t really see how to reconcile that with the available housing stock.

Yes - my DM left a large family house for a 2 bed with good living space/ smaller garden and there wasn’t really a crazy difference in price between the two! She still needed a garage and room for her hobbies. It was also really hard to sell the bigger house because I don’t think people are as bothered these days with the upkeep of big houses and gardens. It’s all bland new builds with stairs and flat lawns and so they’re in demand from everyone.

We’re expecting old people to free up housing stick but to retire to flats with only a small square living room. I can see why they stay put to be honest.

I'm going to have this problem soon and I can't find anything suitable so far.

My grandparents set up the downstairs of their house so they could just live downstairs - turned a reception room into a bedroom and added a wet room.

The upstairs is only really used by guests.

They have a cleaner and a handyman/ gardener who help them keep on top of things and their two sons live nearby and pop in to help when needed.

They have a fair amount of money to do all this though.

My parents are in their 60s and currently having an extension to future proof their house, adding a bedroom and bathroom and leveling the floors.

Sometimes a big move can be traumatic and trigger more problems. It's a very difficult situation. The downstairs bathroom sounds agreat idea. Would they agree to having a gardener or cleaner?
I started with my parents who are in a similar position by getting food deliveries and I'm working on the rest.

Y parents are in their 60s, they are having problems finding a suitable property to move to, although I think they want perfection and it's just not available.
FIL is in his 80s, has refused to think of moving for ages. He can't cope where he is, cannot manage house and garden and refuses to have outside help, we try but can't manage housework and gardening for another property on top of working and 3 young children. I hink if he moved now we would have to do everything, which wouldn't be easy either.
I see it so often at work, someone becomes more frail and disabled and ends up with a bed and commode in the living room strip wading in the kitchen sink. It's so sad and I really don't want to be like that.