Does everyone tell small pointless lies?

[ExpressDelivery]

I have a big issue with lying, I can't tolerate it from anyone. I don't care it if it's a tiny white lie, just tell me the truth. I count lies by ommission in this too.

However, lately I'm wondering if it's me who's over sensitive and that it's actually completely normal to smooth life a bit with a few lies.

Examples:

• DS bought some expensive chocolates for us to share, but told me they were a gift from someone else because he knows I think he should be more careful with money. I do, but I'd also have been pleased with the gesture if he'd told me he'd bought them for us.
• Friends went away for a weekend without telling me. I couldn't have gone, but they hid the trip from me. Not just neglecting to mention it, but usually active SM was silent from all of them that weekend. If I'd known I'd have been disappointed not to go but still told them to have a good time
• Colleague who's job hardly impacts on me at all lies constantly about what he's done/doing. None of which matters to me, except that I don't like the lies.
• Friends lying (exaggerating?) about the achievements of their DC
• I gave some technical clothing to DS for his GF to try on, that she can borrow for a trip they're taking if it's useful. He told me it's all good and she will use it, but actually she's been and bought her own, which is fine, so why lie?

When I was 7, I was caught out in an equally pointless lie and quite severely punished. I've found it very difficult to lie about anything since. I'll try to be tactful but I can't tell an outright untruth.

Is this my problem rather than theirs?

I think everyone tells little white lies sometimes, often to save someone's feelings e.g. 'I love your new haircut Carol' or 'No, it's tastes lovely aunty Sue. I like the burnt bits'.

I think finding any form of lying unacceptable to the point where you would say 'Your hair looks terrible Carol' is your problem and not other people's. We all accept that a little lie to save someone's feelings/make like a little nicer is ok.

The only example in your OP that I think is really horrible is the friends who went away without telling you. I can see why the lying colleague is a bit annoying too. I'd struggle to get upset about any of the others.

I wouldn't tell Carol her hair looks awful, but I wouldn't tell her it looks good if I didn't think it did.

I've never told white lies myself but I think most people do. It does annoy me a little but I think it's normal.

I wouldn't want Carol to lie about my hair either. Nothing she says has any value if she's going to do that. I'd prefer she wasn't unkind, but I don't want her to say she loves it if she doesn't

@ExpressDelivery I'm exactly the same but often wonder if I'm "different". Everyone I've known seems to lie, I do find it quite frustrating especially when it something pointless.

Yes, I lie. I lie to make my life easier, I lie to make social events go better, I lie to make other people feel better. Examples:

• Oh sorry, I can't make it then as I think there is a school thing
• I'm fine thanks, how are you?
• Oh no problem, red wine is fine for me
• It was nice of you to pop in

I do not tell these kind of lies to my nearest and dearest though, I am pretty honest at home.

When I was 7, I was caught out in an equally pointless lie and quite severely punished. I've found it very difficult to lie about anything since. I think you can see where your issue comes from, maybe you could investigatethis with someone and see if you can learn to lie to make things easier?

Agree with lannistunut

Thing is OP, the way people interact and communicate, you not saying anything about Carol's new haircut is sort of indicating to her you don't like it anyway. So what if you don't like it, it doesn't matter if you give an honest appraisal of a haircut or not. It is nice though to make Carol feel OK about it, or at least not indicate there is something wrong with it by ignoring a new haircut. It's just part of rubbing along with others.

Hmm as gently as possible, these aren't irrelevant white lies - the common denominator in most of the examples you've given is you and your potential reaction to the truth: ie being told your DS bought expensive chocolates or his GF wouldn't use the clothes you'd lent. Or your friends telling you about a holiday you're not invited on.

Do you usually react strongly or disapprovingly/judgmentally? Because that might be why people are avoiding telling you the truth.

@ExpressDelivery

I wouldn't tell Carol her hair looks awful, but I wouldn't tell her it looks good if I didn't think it did.

Even if she said “what do you think of my new haircut” you wouldn’t smooth over any negative opinion by finding something positive?

@FightingtheFoo

Hmm as gently as possible, these aren't irrelevant white lies - the common denominator in most of the examples you've given is you and your potential reaction to the truth: ie being told your DS bought expensive chocolates or his GF wouldn't use the clothes you'd lent. Or your friends telling you about a holiday you're not invited on.

Do you usually react strongly or disapprovingly/judgmentally? Because that might be why people are avoiding telling you the truth.

This is exactly what I was thinking. They're lying to you to avoid drama from you.

I feel exactly like you, OP. Whatever the size or intention, lies really really bother me. I’m very bad at telling them and have learnt to divert the conversation rather than find myself cornered into telling one.

Even though some of these may have been to “protect your feelings”, lies like that make me feel really sick and angry. Strong suspicions of neurodivergence here, if that helps you look for other possible ideas.

I think it’s fine to lie when you feel threatened/bullied - it throws them of the scent and they won’t try and bully you as you’ll seem like too much ‘hard work’ - bullies don’t like being humiliated!!

I also think lying by omission is a grey area

I don’t let pointless lies and I don’t lie often. But if Carol point blank asks me if I love her hair and I think it’s shocking, I’m not going to say oooh it looks horrendous. Especially if I know Carol loves it.

My husband never ever tells lies. To be honest, it horrible and antisocial to not be able to tell or forgive a fib in the right context.
I asked him once if a dress made me look fat, he said, with a straight face that yes I did but it wasn't the dresses fault.

Your honesty may be someone else's unkindness

I don't. I'm autistic though.

I am quite rigid person and I don't like lies. But I do tell white lies if needed, and I don't think it's wrong. None of your examples bother me.

Surely it depends on the reason for the lie. If it’s to spare someone’s feelings, or save them distress, I can’t see the harm.

OP, if someone gives you a present you’re not mad keen on, do you tell them that?

When my DM had dementia there were often arguments on a carers’ forum about ‘love lies’, as they called them.

There was inevitably some holier than thou, preachy type, who’d insist that lying was always wrong, even when the truth was going to upset the person over and over.

E.g. someone asks where their husband or wife is (who’s been dead ten years.). So according to the preachy ones, you must tell them the truth, even though they’re going to cry and be terribly upset - only to forget and ask again half an hour later.

Instead of keeping them happy with ‘Oh, s/he’s just gone to the shops/to see auntie so and so.’

TBH I grew to loathe the self-righteous, preachy types.

It's a strange one because most people tell little white lies in everyday life just to be polite, especially if you're put on the spot. It's almost expected sometimes, given that blunt honestly is sometimes considered very rude.

Yes, Joan your new perfume smells lovely (cough, cough).

I would also second the idea that perhaps you overreact to certain things, and some people don't want to deal with your (negative?) reaction, so try to smooth things over by telling you a sanitised version of what happened.

I think it depends on how big, or hurtful the lie is, and whether it is done with good or bad intentions. You call them pointless lies, but they are not pointless if they serve a purpose to the person telling them - i.e. to not have to deal with you being angry or annoyed at them.

Your friends going away without telling you is hurtful and I can see why that is hurtful and upsets you.

However your sons GF not using the clothes you got for her, maybe she didn't feel confident telling you that they don't suit her, or she was excited to pick out her own. Some people are not good at confrontation, and perhaps she anticipated that you would be disappointed or have a bad reaction. That wouldn't bother me.

Having said all that, there are certain people (my sister) who lie about anything and everything, which means it gets to a point where you can never trust anything they say. Very annoying.

I don't. I hate lying although I did go through a period of embellishing mundane stories when I was younger. I think it's an immaturity thing. You become less bothered about trying to impress people or ingratiate yourself

Your example of your friends going away without telling you- i would be very hurt by their actions

@ExpressDelivery

I have a big issue with lying, I can't tolerate it from anyone. I don't care it if it's a tiny white lie, just tell me the truth. I count lies by ommission in this too.

However, lately I'm wondering if it's me who's over sensitive and that it's actually completely normal to smooth life a bit with a few lies.

Examples:

• DS bought some expensive chocolates for us to share, but told me they were a gift from someone else because he knows I think he should be more careful with money. I do, but I'd also have been pleased with the gesture if he'd told me he'd bought them for us.
• Friends went away for a weekend without telling me. I couldn't have gone, but they hid the trip from me. Not just neglecting to mention it, but usually active SM was silent from all of them that weekend. If I'd known I'd have been disappointed not to go but still told them to have a good time
• Colleague who's job hardly impacts on me at all lies constantly about what he's done/doing. None of which matters to me, except that I don't like the lies.
• Friends lying (exaggerating?) about the achievements of their DC
• I gave some technical clothing to DS for his GF to try on, that she can borrow for a trip they're taking if it's useful. He told me it's all good and she will use it, but actually she's been and bought her own, which is fine, so why lie?

When I was 7, I was caught out in an equally pointless lie and quite severely punished. I've found it very difficult to lie about anything since. I'll try to be tactful but I can't tell an outright untruth.

Is this my problem rather than theirs?

Honestly reading through this, you sound like bloody hard work OP. I think you need to chill a bit and realise people do make mistakes and should be able to admit to them without resorting to lies just to get you off their backs. Sorry if this sounds harsh. Just read it clinically.

’as gently as possible, these aren't irrelevant white lies - the common denominator in most of the examples you've given is you and your potential reaction to the truth’

This ^

No

Some of your examples aren't pointless lies in my mind OP, they are attempts to avoid the fallout from others making shit choices.