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Original poster

Does everyone tell small pointless lies?

98 replies

ExpressDelivery · 13/08/2021 09:30

I have a big issue with lying, I can't tolerate it from anyone. I don't care it if it's a tiny white lie, just tell me the truth. I count lies by ommission in this too.

However, lately I'm wondering if it's me who's over sensitive and that it's actually completely normal to smooth life a bit with a few lies.

Examples:

  • DS bought some expensive chocolates for us to share, but told me they were a gift from someone else because he knows I think he should be more careful with money. I do, but I'd also have been pleased with the gesture if he'd told me he'd bought them for us.
  • Friends went away for a weekend without telling me. I couldn't have gone, but they hid the trip from me. Not just neglecting to mention it, but usually active SM was silent from all of them that weekend. If I'd known I'd have been disappointed not to go but still told them to have a good time
  • Colleague who's job hardly impacts on me at all lies constantly about what he's done/doing. None of which matters to me, except that I don't like the lies.
  • Friends lying (exaggerating?) about the achievements of their DC
  • I gave some technical clothing to DS for his GF to try on, that she can borrow for a trip they're taking if it's useful. He told me it's all good and she will use it, but actually she's been and bought her own, which is fine, so why lie?

When I was 7, I was caught out in an equally pointless lie and quite severely punished. I've found it very difficult to lie about anything since. I'll try to be tactful but I can't tell an outright untruth.

Is this my problem rather than theirs?

OP posts:
Kittii · 13/08/2021 16:56

I never tell lies. I believe it destroys trust and damages relationships. I feel very strongly about the importance of having integrity and just don't lie.

I'm not rude though, I'm actually very quiet and gentle and will find a kind way to answer a difficult question.

I find it really sad that people don't seem to think it's a big deal to lie. I think if you're happy to lie about a little thing you'd be happy to lie about a big thing if it served you.

GoGadgetGo · 13/08/2021 16:58

I won't lie, but if someone was wearing a nasty outfit (in my opinion) or had a horrible hairdo (again in my opinion) I would not mention it. However, if they asked me for my honest opinion, then I would tell them my thoughts.
Unless I'm asked directly, I would stay quiet, but if you want the truth from my perspective, then you can ask me for it.
I must add, friends like me to go shopping with them for clothes and glasses because they want that honesty. It doesn't mean I'm some fashion guru, but if it doesn't look good (in my opinion, which they may value) then they will know.
Sometimes I wished I could ask for an honest opinion on how I come across or look to improve my appearance, but some people are too polite. That doesn't mean to change me for others, but for me to make the best out of myself. That is why sometimes I wished I had a twin. However, that could also be detrimental if I hated what I saw.

littletinyboxes · 13/08/2021 17:11

Re your DS- could it be that his GF asked him to lie? I know when I was just getting to know my now-MIL she gave DG some holiday clothes (sarongs/hats/beach bags etc) for me to borrow if I wanted to. They were really not my style and I was looking forward to treating myself to some new ones. I thought it was really thoughtful that she offered them to me, and didn't want her to think me ungrateful so I asked DH to thank her and say I liked them. I asked him to lie because I didn't know how she was likely to feel if I said no and didn't want to risk hurting her feelings. I know her much better now and would happily say thanks but no thanks, knowing that she wouldn't care either way.

MedusasBadHairDay · 13/08/2021 17:26

I know I lie to my MIL a lot when she buys me gifts that are really weird not my kind of thing, from experience she would get very hurt if I told her the truth, so I don't because I do like her and don't want to hurt her.

On the flipside though she absolutely doesn't hold back if she doesn't like something 😂

Confusedandshaken · 13/08/2021 17:28

You sound intense. You have very high standards for yourself and for other people. That can be hard to live with. I can understand why people would tell you what they think you want to hear and so avoid getting caught up in an unwanted drama or debate or discussion.

IMO there is nothing wrong with telling small harmless lies to oil the wheels of social interaction. Nor is there anything wrong with being strictly and tactfully honest. They are both equally valid ways to run your life. What is a problem is insisting that your way is the only correct way to live and trying to impose your own views and moral values on other people. Try to accept that your very unpleasant childhood experience has made absolute honesty important to you but other people with different life experiences have different values and priorities.

Forstarters · 13/08/2021 18:11

You sound like one of those people who harp on about ‘telling it like it is’ but actually are just justifying being mean and rude.

lannistunut · 13/08/2021 18:16

@Kittii

I never tell lies. I believe it destroys trust and damages relationships. I feel very strongly about the importance of having integrity and just don't lie.

I'm not rude though, I'm actually very quiet and gentle and will find a kind way to answer a difficult question.

I find it really sad that people don't seem to think it's a big deal to lie. I think if you're happy to lie about a little thing you'd be happy to lie about a big thing if it served you.

I thoroughly disagree with this if you're happy to lie about a little thing you'd be happy to lie about a big thing if it served you - I consider myself very honest on everything that matters but why oh why would I need to say to someone 'no actually I feel low today' - what I do is I say i am fine because I don't want to talk about it.

But I have real integrity on the things that matter.

Rogue1001 · 13/08/2021 19:00

I'm not trying to nit pick.

But in your op, you say you include lies by omission.
But in two or three of your subsequent posts, you hypothesise about things you can say to "Carol" about her horrendous haircut which aren't nasty or hurtful.

So it seems to me that you're slightly making up your own rules about when it is/isn't ok?

And isn't everyone else just doing the same? But not to your criteria

AllTheSingleLadiess · 13/08/2021 19:17

Agree. Many of your replies to Carol's haircut are white lies as you are trying to deflect from being forced to voice your truthful opinion. Changing the subject or focusing on an aspect of the haircut eg colour rather than haircut is a white lie of sorts.

It's a common dilemma on here to wonder how to comment on stuff in a way that causes minimal offence. It's easier to say "We are visiting family this weekend" rather than "We are going away with Gary and Jane" because nobody wants to upset people or have the awkward conversation about why you and your h aren't the ones invited.

SuperSketchy · 13/08/2021 19:21

I have a big issue with lying, I can't tolerate it from anyone. I don't care it if it's a tiny white lie, just tell me the truth. I count lies by ommission in this too

I don't feel this way, but I do know people who do.

I try to be "authentic", but re lying by omission... Well, no, that's really unreasonable. You have no right to information friends don't want to share with you. If that means you can't be friends with them, then that is up to you, but if someone said I had to tell them details of my own business I didn't want to share with them, (eg that I was going for a weekend away with someone else), and which had no effect on that person, I'd actually find that weird and controlling.

Maybe I'm misunderstanding what you mean though.

Kittii · 13/08/2021 19:33

@Iannistunut when you say "I am very honest on things that matter" and "I have real integrity on the things that matter" I have a couple of questions:

Who decides what "matters"? If DH told me he had put the bins out but he hadn't, it wouldn't really "matter" would it? But it would mean next time he told me he'd done something I wouldn't be able to trust whether he had or not - whether it's a small thing or a big thing. If he told me he really liked a new dress that I'd bought but then I heard him say to his friend that he hated that dress, don't you think that destroys trust in the relationship? I still maintain that if you would lie about a small thing you would lie about a big thing. And any lie destroys trust, however big or small that lie is.

What does integrity mean to you? It sounds like you think integrity is about being honest only about the "big" things but not about the little things. I think that is the opposite of having integrity. The Cambridge definition of integrity is "thequalityof beinghonestand havingstrongmoralprinciplesthat yourefusetochange" and "someone's highartisticstandardsorstandardsof doingtheirjob, and that person'sdeterminationnot tolowerthosestandards". So it means adhering to a moral code without compromise. Saying that you have integrity sometimes (when you think it "matters") but not at other times is the opposite of integrity.

SuperSketchy · 13/08/2021 19:39

But kitti, having a strong moral code doesn't mean acting in precisely the same way on every issue. So lying about Carol's hair or not giving details about who you spent last weekend with, for example, but then being fastidiously honest on bigger issues, doesn't mean you have no moral code.

GoWalkabout · 13/08/2021 19:44

Accepting that there are choices and nuance and grey areas and diplomacy that make the world go round is a social skill. Its not black and white so we can all choose our own line. Our wiring and experience will affect that. Both extremes are problematic imo.

Ionlydomassiveones · 13/08/2021 19:45

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

speakout · 13/08/2021 19:50

My mother lies a huge amount.
She tells people she has had cancer, that she died on the operating table and met jesus, She nearly drowned as a child and was savaged by a dog. She shows me "family heirlooms" that I know she bought in a charity shop a few years ago- the list goes on.
None of it is true.

Dogoodfeelgood · 13/08/2021 20:01

I hate lies like this too, especially ones to protect your feelings when you wouldn’t really have minded, as the message you get is that you would cause drama and make it weird/that you’re insecure - which is usually way more hurtful than the actual thing they were lying about as it’s a comment on your character flaws! I try not to do this.

I do get the holiday thing though as they were probably limited for space and it’s just awkward explaining that someone’s not invited - better to keep it off SM to avoid hurt feelings if someone who would usually come can’t be invited.

TBH I also lie to DH about how much things cost because he gives me such grief about it and it always launches into comments about my wild spending (not that wild he is just very frugal, which I respect and admire but does mean some purchases are fudged “oh no I’ve had this for ages!” Grin).

lannistunut · 13/08/2021 20:21

[quote Kittii]@Iannistunut when you say "I am very honest on things that matter" and "I have real integrity on the things that matter" I have a couple of questions:

Who decides what "matters"? If DH told me he had put the bins out but he hadn't, it wouldn't really "matter" would it? But it would mean next time he told me he'd done something I wouldn't be able to trust whether he had or not - whether it's a small thing or a big thing. If he told me he really liked a new dress that I'd bought but then I heard him say to his friend that he hated that dress, don't you think that destroys trust in the relationship? I still maintain that if you would lie about a small thing you would lie about a big thing. And any lie destroys trust, however big or small that lie is.

What does integrity mean to you? It sounds like you think integrity is about being honest only about the "big" things but not about the little things. I think that is the opposite of having integrity. The Cambridge definition of integrity is "thequalityof beinghonestand havingstrongmoralprinciplesthat yourefusetochange" and "someone's highartisticstandardsorstandardsof doingtheirjob, and that person'sdeterminationnot tolowerthosestandards". So it means adhering to a moral code without compromise. Saying that you have integrity sometimes (when you think it "matters") but not at other times is the opposite of integrity.[/quote]
I think you are being exceedingly black and white on this.

The examples you gave about a husband - I would never tell those lies, as to me they do matter. But if a dinner host said to me 'would you like some dessert' and it was something I hated, I might opt to say 'no thank you I've had enough to eat'.

In my view I have strong moral principles that I refuse to change - so by the definition you set out I have integrity. Moral principles vary from person to person - you can have integrity, as can I, whilst we may do things differently Smile.

FreeBritnee · 13/08/2021 20:23

I’m afraid I thought the same. Do you have form for blowing up at people?

Kittii · 13/08/2021 21:23

A strong moral principle that you refuse to change would mean not lying in any circumstances because you believe lying to be morally wrong per se. The moral principles here is that lying is wrong per se.

Lying when you think it doesn't "matter" or lying when it suits you to lie isn't a strong moral principle that you refuse to change. It's a moral principle that you adhere to when you want to but don't when you decide it doesn't "matter".

Kittii · 13/08/2021 21:24

That's not integrity. That's "lying is wrong when it suits me but if its difficult then it's OK to lie."

SuperSketchy · 13/08/2021 21:34

@Kittii

That's not integrity. That's "lying is wrong when it suits me but if its difficult then it's OK to lie."
That's only true if your measure of integrity is solely based on whether someone ever lies or not.

So, (extreme example for illustration), an undercover detective who helps put away heads of vicious drugs cartels has no integrity by your measure, while a terrorist who genuinely believes in his cause and murders innocent people while broadcasting about why he is doing it has integrity.

lannistunut · 13/08/2021 21:38

@Kittii

That's not integrity. That's "lying is wrong when it suits me but if its difficult then it's OK to lie."
I don't actually think you've READ what I wrote, as your answers bear no relation to my posts. My honest opinion is you're just being silly.
AllTheSingleLadiess · 13/08/2021 21:53

Do you ever tell white lies to children?
For example a child accidentally bumps into you and it hurts where they banged into you. Do you tell them the truth or do you downplay the pain to make them feel better?

You are out and about and see your child's friends having a good time without your child. Do you go home and tell them or pretend that you didn't see them ?

Susannahmoody · 13/08/2021 21:55

I tell white lies all the time

Kittii · 13/08/2021 22:02

Please explain to me how I have misread what you wrote. My understanding is that you're saying it's OK to lie when it doesn't matter but it's not OK to lie when it does matter?