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Original poster

Does everyone tell small pointless lies?

98 replies

ExpressDelivery · 13/08/2021 09:30

I have a big issue with lying, I can't tolerate it from anyone. I don't care it if it's a tiny white lie, just tell me the truth. I count lies by ommission in this too.

However, lately I'm wondering if it's me who's over sensitive and that it's actually completely normal to smooth life a bit with a few lies.

Examples:

  • DS bought some expensive chocolates for us to share, but told me they were a gift from someone else because he knows I think he should be more careful with money. I do, but I'd also have been pleased with the gesture if he'd told me he'd bought them for us.
  • Friends went away for a weekend without telling me. I couldn't have gone, but they hid the trip from me. Not just neglecting to mention it, but usually active SM was silent from all of them that weekend. If I'd known I'd have been disappointed not to go but still told them to have a good time
  • Colleague who's job hardly impacts on me at all lies constantly about what he's done/doing. None of which matters to me, except that I don't like the lies.
  • Friends lying (exaggerating?) about the achievements of their DC
  • I gave some technical clothing to DS for his GF to try on, that she can borrow for a trip they're taking if it's useful. He told me it's all good and she will use it, but actually she's been and bought her own, which is fine, so why lie?

When I was 7, I was caught out in an equally pointless lie and quite severely punished. I've found it very difficult to lie about anything since. I'll try to be tactful but I can't tell an outright untruth.

Is this my problem rather than theirs?

OP posts:
Beetlewing · 13/08/2021 13:37

@ExpressDelivery

I wouldn't want Carol to lie about my hair either. Nothing she says has any value if she's going to do that. I'd prefer she wasn't unkind, but I don't want her to say she loves it if she doesn't
Actually this. You don't have to gush about how lovely it is.. and you don't have to be nasty to be truthful
BeingATwatItsABingThing · 13/08/2021 13:37

@FightingtheFoo

Hmm as gently as possible, these aren't irrelevant white lies - the common denominator in most of the examples you've given is you and your potential reaction to the truth: ie being told your DS bought expensive chocolates or his GF wouldn't use the clothes you'd lent. Or your friends telling you about a holiday you're not invited on.

Do you usually react strongly or disapprovingly/judgmentally? Because that might be why people are avoiding telling you the truth.

Absolutely this! Are you one of those people who claims the reaction is much worse if lied to but, from experience, your reaction will be bad regardless? It’s worth the lie at that point to potentially avoid your reaction.
BeingATwatItsABingThing · 13/08/2021 13:45

@drpet49

Your example of your friends going away without telling you- i would be very hurt by their actions
I’ve been the friends in this situation with another friend we knew wouldn’t be able to come. She mostly can’t come because of where she lives (her choice to live there) and, from experience, gets upset when we meet up and she knows or we meet up and she doesn’t know. We can’t win. It’s not our fault she can’t come too.
ToffeeForEveryone · 13/08/2021 13:50

@FightingtheFoo

Hmm as gently as possible, these aren't irrelevant white lies - the common denominator in most of the examples you've given is you and your potential reaction to the truth: ie being told your DS bought expensive chocolates or his GF wouldn't use the clothes you'd lent. Or your friends telling you about a holiday you're not invited on.

Do you usually react strongly or disapprovingly/judgmentally? Because that might be why people are avoiding telling you the truth.

I thought the same thing!
Babababababybelll · 13/08/2021 13:54

White lies are ok ..... although i would expect my closest to tell the truth (even if my hair is shit ha )

We have a new neighbour and went out for tea.

She told us she had qualified as a lawyer, got into uni with no alevels cause a famous person wrote a letter . changed her mind and became a qualified nurse , but works as a cleaner because she likes it better.
Shes 28 . And had forgotten what uni she went to Confused
And told another person she was a qualified teacher but didn't like it hahahahaha

For me that was a big no no , and shes not for me , say hi and move on.

It has become a bit of a running joke , quick lets get home before she qualifies as an astronaut.

MalFunkshun · 13/08/2021 13:57

@FightingtheFoo

Hmm as gently as possible, these aren't irrelevant white lies - the common denominator in most of the examples you've given is you and your potential reaction to the truth: ie being told your DS bought expensive chocolates or his GF wouldn't use the clothes you'd lent. Or your friends telling you about a holiday you're not invited on.

Do you usually react strongly or disapprovingly/judgmentally? Because that might be why people are avoiding telling you the truth.

This is exactly what I was thinking! Even your post could be seen as a little judgemental OP and I wonder if that’s how you come across irl?

I lie, as others have said, to save hurt feelings or avoid aggro. Your last example, of the clothes, is something I would have said to my mother, who was v hard work, to avoid the inevitable ‘that’s fine, no problem at all’ pursed lips PA response Grin

Thefaceofboe · 13/08/2021 14:00

People who say they don’t tell white lies, are lying... EVERYONE does it in one way, shape or form

IceLace100 · 13/08/2021 14:02

The only shitty thing in your list is your mates lying about going away without you. That's pretty harsh IMO.

I lie at work constantly, but if I told the honest unfiltered truth I'd be sacked within days!!! 🤣😂

ViceLikeBlip · 13/08/2021 14:08

Oh god, I lie all the time. Probably more than I really should- like a lot of us, I'm not very good at just politely but firmly saying "no thank you" for example.

People usually tell small lies to avoid upsetting /offending, but sometimes they get it wrong, and the lie itself is more upsetting /offensive than the actual thing! People are just human, and they make misjudgements like this.

ViceLikeBlip · 13/08/2021 14:10

Ps have you seen that Ricky Gervais film "the invention of lying"? It's about a world where people can't lie (except he can, and he uses this to his full advantage). Its a comedy, but it does show the pros and cons of being super honest vs super deceitful.

MrsOrMiss · 13/08/2021 14:14

I don't like lies at all BUT if I want relationships with other people, they are part of keeping friendships/relationships. Its a price I'm willing to pay as far as no one is harmed.
For example, a resident at work has mild dementia. Because of how she became her own mother's carer and how she's still traumatised by it, if she knew she had dementia, she would be inconsolable. So when she says to me 'Mrs do you think I'm going like my mum? I know I'm forgetful and in here (the home) but that's just to make sure I take my tablets. You'd tell me the truth I know, do I have dementia?' My answer is always 'Love, we're all a bit forgetful at times' and relate some experience when I'd lost the plot. I really don't want her to be so upset simply because I told her the truth.
Then there's the question when my 4 year old GC asks if Santa is real. Tell her the truth? It won't harm her to know, but her parents - and myself - want her to keep the magic a bit longer.
But, if the lie was to hurt or even nasty trick, nope not happening. My DF convinced me that the sand on the beaches on the IOW was multi coloured and lay in lines like a rainbow. Yes, it was a great joke, once, not continually making out I was a fool to keep asking. Ha ha. Or to cover up a crime, not going to happen.

CremeEggThief · 13/08/2021 14:14

Are you on the spectrum, OP? As your thinking seems black and white and rather rigid. I can be like this myself.

A few examples-
I could never bring myself to say sorry in return to someone who says sorry to you for bumping into you, although obviously if I bumped into them first I'd be apologetic.

I find it really hard to thank drivers who have stopped so I can cross on pedestrian crossings.

I used to find it very difficult to apologise on behalf of DS when he was younger, if I heard about poor behaviour from him in a situation where I wasn't even present.

If someone's taking up too much space in public unnecessarily and I'm put in a position where I have to say "excuse me" to get past, I'll be annoyed with that person for ages afterwards, as the way I view it is they were rude in the first place to do something wrong that makes me have to say excuse me!
I could go on and on...

I can tell white lies, but if someone puts me on the spot and says something like, "Tell me the honest truth. Do you like my hair?" and I don't, I couldn't tell an outright lie. What I try to do, is find at least one positive and focus on that. Even if it's something like, "It's good to try something different every now and then."

Beckhamsmetatarsal · 13/08/2021 14:15

I'm the same. I hate lies. Say nothing if its an opinion they won't like. I will only tell a white lie if someone backs me into a corner by asking me directly if I like their hair or something. I hate doing that though but don't want to upset them or be outcast.

Beckhamsmetatarsal · 13/08/2021 14:16

Just to add, I have often wondered if I'm on the spectrum too and this is a small reason why ^

NotableTree · 13/08/2021 14:22

@FightingtheFoo

Hmm as gently as possible, these aren't irrelevant white lies - the common denominator in most of the examples you've given is you and your potential reaction to the truth: ie being told your DS bought expensive chocolates or his GF wouldn't use the clothes you'd lent. Or your friends telling you about a holiday you're not invited on.

Do you usually react strongly or disapprovingly/judgmentally? Because that might be why people are avoiding telling you the truth.

Yes, exactly this. The common denominator in the chocolates, weekend away, clothing is you, and suggests people are tiptoeing around your likely responses. (Why can’t your friends go away for the weekend without inviting you, anyway?) In the case of the colleague whose job has nothing to do with your role and the friend exaggerating or lying about their children’s doings, how do you even know they aren’t telling the truth? Where is your ‘correct’ information coming from?
hartwood · 13/08/2021 14:29

Is there such a thing as a pointless lie? I think there's always a reason. Usually either for personal gain or to spare someone's feelings. Even people like a PP mentioned who lie about everything obviously do it either to impress others or to gain attention.

The only one I'd be upset about is the friends but maybe they just wanted to spare your feelings.

I agree that lying is necessary sometimes. I find people that make a point to 'always tell the truth' and 'tell it how it is' rude.

I got outright asked by some idiot if I liked someone's hair in front of them after she'd had it cut really short and went from black to blonde. The person herself didn't ask for my opinion so I just said 'Hmm both are nice but I think I preferred it the other way' (I really didn't like the new hair).

TheRebelle · 13/08/2021 14:43

In your examples I’d think why is my son so scared of my reaction that he’s lied? And I’d be looking at my own past behaviour for that one, with the friends it’s really horrible to do that, again I’d be wondering whether my past reactions I’d made them think they couldn’t tell me about the trip or are they just really horrible people? And the clothes, well to tell you she didn’t want them may come across as a personal insult ie your clothes are too big, unfashionable or otherwise not good enough so I can completely understand that one, easier to just say thanks very much and then not use them.

urbanbuddha · 13/08/2021 14:50

If someone has done something meaning to be kind I'll lie to say how wonderful it is. Otherwise, I'm with you OP I think lying is unnecessary and it can be hurtful to discover you've been deceived.

dworky · 13/08/2021 14:50

I think most people do tell small lies to make everyday life easier i.e. to save embarrassment/personal issues.
I personally do not have a problem with this, only lies told to deceive others or for personal gain.

SirenSays · 13/08/2021 15:08

My DH family lies about absolutely everything. Especially my SIL. I have no idea why she does it, she's a terrible liar and I know every time.
She also lies to other people in the family but doesn't tell me so I've ended up dropping her in it multiple times. It's just bizarre and unnecessary.
She came over once going on and on about how she wanted a girlsnight and could I do her makeup. I told my DH she was acting shady and sure enough once I'd done her makeup there was an "emergency" and she had to leave.. If she'd have just said I'm going to a party will you do my makeup, I'd have said yes and not cancelled my plans for the evening.

I despise small talk so I'm guilty of telling outlandish lies to taxi drivers to make the journeys more interesting.

BananaMilkshakeWithCream · 13/08/2021 15:08

I’m not one for lying but I have been known to exaggerate sometimes 🤷‍♀️ Something really unbelievable happened to me last week. Even DH said he wouldn’t have believed me had the phone not been on speaker (long story) Anyway, I relayed it to someone else and for some unknown reason added one final detail at the end that was not only untrue but utterly ridiculous 😬 I’m embarrassed just thinking about it.

Original poster
ExpressDelivery · 13/08/2021 16:36

Yes, I wondered how long it would be before it was all my fault. Woukd it be my fault if DH was doing it for a quiet life too?

I don't care about the actual issues in the lies (except maybe the holiday), I care about the lying. And yes, it does hurt me that DS doesn't feel able to tell me the truth.

If Carol asked me point blank about her hair I'd say something positive like "it's very modern" or "it's very you" or "its a big change does it feel good?"

What's the point of her having my opinion if I'm going to lie?

OP posts:
ouchmyfeet · 13/08/2021 16:41

And yes, it does hurt me that DS doesn't feel able to tell me the truth.

Have you considered why he doesn't feel able to do so? He won't be lying for no reason at all

Original poster
ExpressDelivery · 13/08/2021 16:47

@ouchmyfeet

And yes, it does hurt me that DS doesn't feel able to tell me the truth.

Have you considered why he doesn't feel able to do so? He won't be lying for no reason at all

No, it's never crossed my mind Hmm

Of course, I'm always more critical of myself than anyone else is.

I've talked to DS about it and he says I'm not scary and he doesn't know why he does it. But he would, wouldn't he? I think actually, in his case, it's that he's a people pleaser and he tells everyone what he thinks they want to hear. I don't think it's just me. Apparently, according to this thread that's all fine and good though.

OP posts:
stripedbananas · 13/08/2021 16:49

There's a fine line between white lies and being considerate