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Original poster

Does everyone tell small pointless lies?

98 replies

ExpressDelivery · 13/08/2021 09:30

I have a big issue with lying, I can't tolerate it from anyone. I don't care it if it's a tiny white lie, just tell me the truth. I count lies by ommission in this too.

However, lately I'm wondering if it's me who's over sensitive and that it's actually completely normal to smooth life a bit with a few lies.

Examples:

DS bought some expensive chocolates for us to share, but told me they were a gift from someone else because he knows I think he should be more careful with money. I do, but I'd also have been pleased with the gesture if he'd told me he'd bought them for us.
Friends went away for a weekend without telling me. I couldn't have gone, but they hid the trip from me. Not just neglecting to mention it, but usually active SM was silent from all of them that weekend. If I'd known I'd have been disappointed not to go but still told them to have a good time
Colleague who's job hardly impacts on me at all lies constantly about what he's done/doing. None of which matters to me, except that I don't like the lies.
Friends lying (exaggerating?) about the achievements of their DC
I gave some technical clothing to DS for his GF to try on, that she can borrow for a trip they're taking if it's useful. He told me it's all good and she will use it, but actually she's been and bought her own, which is fine, so why lie?

When I was 7, I was caught out in an equally pointless lie and quite severely punished. I've found it very difficult to lie about anything since. I'll try to be tactful but I can't tell an outright untruth.

Is this my problem rather than theirs?

OP posts:

lannistunut · 13/08/2021 22:04

@Kittii

Please explain to me how I have misread what you wrote. My understanding is that you're saying it's OK to lie when it doesn't matter but it's not OK to lie when it does matter?

I don't want to talk to you anymore.

Kittii · 13/08/2021 22:06

You said:

"I thoroughly disagree with thisif you're happy to lie about a little thing you'd be happy to lie about a big thing if it served you- I consider myself very honest on everythingthat mattersbut why oh why would I need to say to someone 'no actually I feel low today' - what I do is I say i am fine because I don't want to talk about it.

But I have real integrity on the things that matter."

You said you're honest about "everything that matters" and have integrity "on the things that matter". That assumes that you lie about things you consider "don't matter".

What have I misread?

SuperSketchy · 13/08/2021 22:24

She's already said she doesn't want to engage with you and I can see why.

bloodywhitecat · 13/08/2021 22:27

I lie. I lie when people ask me how I am because telling the truth is too painful at times.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 13/08/2021 22:33

Frankly OP it sounds like people are "managing" you and from your responses here, I can see why.

You seem to get huffy because some people are saying they understand why your DS told that little story.

The fact that multiple different people in your life are lying or lying by omission should tell you something.

You say you wouldn't mind if they told the truth.... is that really true? Would you let your DS know in some way that you thought he was overspending....would you make a little comment to your friends?

miltonj · 13/08/2021 22:38

People may fear your reaction, so lie to make life easier. My husband, years ago before we were married, was like this with his mum. Told loads of harmless lies because she was a very intense person. Thankfully he doesn't pander to it anymore now he's an adult, it's always better to just tell the truth about buying the chocolates, and deal with the reaction. So I think you're kind of in the right, but equally you might want to look at why everybody is pussyfooting around you.

LordOfTheThings · 13/08/2021 22:47

I have told 'little' lies in the past to spare someone's feelings. A friend was thrilled with her new sofa so I said it was lovely when she asked me, but I didn't actually like it. The point being that she loved it and was happy with it so I'd have to be a complete bitch to piss on her chips and say I thought it was hideous.

I told a big lie to my dad. After my mum died he became obsessed with finding a brooch that she'd been talking about and he had sleepless nights trying to find it. It absolutely consumed him and he was heartbroken to think that it was lost. He found it after 4 days of pulling the house apart. When he showed me he was so happy and relieved and wanted to keep it in his pocket all the time especially for the funeral. I just couldn't tell him that it wasn't the right brooch. It was a different one but I just couldn't have him hurting and stressing over it any longer so I lied. I still think it was the right thing to do.

Twinstudy · 13/08/2021 22:52

I'm honest enough to say I lie all the time :) small white lies that save someone's feelings or make life easier. Maybe it's wrong but I honestly don't believe that telling the truth is always the right thing to do. I mean would you really tell a small child that father Christmas doesn't exist? Or your friend that you didn't like their wedding dress, while they're standing there in it? Truth is overrated sometimes imo

Kittii · 13/08/2021 22:58

@SuperSketchy I wrote my last post before she said she didn't want to talk to me any more. Fair enough if you don't want to engage with the discussion, no need to be rude about it. She said I had misread her post and I asked her to clarify how I had misread it.

Pixxie7 · 13/08/2021 22:59

I think that most of the time people lie out of fear or in an attempt to protect others. I am not saying either is right but maybe understandable.

SuperSketchy · 13/08/2021 23:05

Kittii · 13/08/2021 23:09

@SuperSketchy

She's already said she doesn't want to engage with you and I can see why.

Here you go

SuperSketchy · 13/08/2021 23:10

Why is that rude? She doesn't want to engage with you after you repeatedly attacked her integrity. I can see why. Are you always this sensitive after you attack someone else?

Kite22 · 13/08/2021 23:18

Accepting that there are choices and nuance and grey areas and diplomacy that make the world go round is a social skill. Its not black and white so we can all choose our own line. Our wiring and experience will affect that. Both extremes are problematic imo.

This ^ 100%.

Kittii · 13/08/2021 23:22

I haven't attacked anyone. We were discussing the meaning of integrity. She said that I misread what she said. I asked her to clarify what I had misread.

greenlynx · 14/08/2021 00:02

I also think that you are not an easy person to deal with. Your examples look like that people are not sure/worried about your reaction or don’t want to deal with it. Even on this thread you’ve asked if you’re too sensitive and people answered that yes, it’s about you, and you didn’t like it.

I personally do tell white lies and mostly because I don’t want to deal with people’s reaction to the truth or they don’t have right to know the truth because it’s a personal matter.

LordOfTheThings · 14/08/2021 09:26

These people who say that they never ever tell a lie, even to spare someone's feelings? I don't believe them.

Mulletsaremisunderstood · 14/08/2021 10:29

[quote Kittii]@SuperSketchy I wrote my last post before she said she didn't want to talk to me any more. Fair enough if you don't want to engage with the discussion, no need to be rude about it. She said I had misread her post and I asked her to clarify how I had misread it.[/quote]
It would appear that maybe you don't like total honesty after all. She stated that she didn't want to engage with you anymore - that was honesty. And now you won't leave it alone and keep pestering to find out why.
I think you may have just proved a point.

To some people, it is just easier to tell a white lie, than have to explain in detail to a demanding person why they don't like or don't want to do something.
Because some people are unreasonable and expect detailed explanations of why other make different choices to them. It's exhausting.

peaceanddove · 14/08/2021 10:39

Oh dear OP you sound extremely rigid and black & white in your attitude. It's no wonder that people try to fob you off or keep you out of the loop, because dealing with your entrenched views is too much like hard work for them.

My MIL was incapable of lying, just couldn't do it. If backed into a corner she would literally shut down and go silent rather than tell a lie. It was uncomfortable to witness. Her other personality traits made me (and her DD) strongly suspect that she was on the spectrum but was undiagnosed her entire life.

Mantlemoose · 14/08/2021 11:00

I detest lying as well, but you've taken it a step too far. . Taking your points in order.
Chocs. That's a shame he felt he had to lie, you need to ease up on the boy!
Friends - they didn't lie they just didn't tell you or invite you. I've been away for a week and my SM has been quiet, mainly as I don't want to announce my house is empty and I was on holiday so wasn't on SM.
Colleagues- agree with everything
DC - let them be, if they're exaggerating then they know the truth
Clothing- maybe you should have suggested she could borrow it rather than packing it for her to try on.
All in all you sound a bit controlling when you obviously just mean well!

pucelleauxblanchesmains · 19/08/2021 18:50

"Yes, I wondered how long it would be before it was all my fault" Once again I wonder why people ask these questions if they don't want any criticism!

Ionlydomassiveones · 19/08/2021 19:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

newnortherner111 · 19/08/2021 20:03

No I don't. Nor industrial scale lying like Boris Johnson. Not disclosing some things yes, which in my view is not lying.

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