Things you want to get off your chest but can't

[Neonorchid]

Spill it here...

I'll start! I love you to bits but my word you are spoiled. Every sentence does not have to start with I want.

To friend - just how many apologies do you want from me ????
It’s like you have written down everything that I have done ‘wrong’ in the ten years that I’ve known you , that I am beginning to think you’re a narcissist.
You remind me of an ex boyfriend who used to do that to me, which hurts a lot as it is, but now I’m older and wiser, I know how to outmanoeuvre you.
And because you are losing, you are finding things that I HAVENT done or have any desire to do, you know, like fancy your husband, to have a go at me for. I talk to your husband more than you for the reasons above….

If your dh and mine hadn’t been friends in the beginning, then it would be easier to end our ‘friendship’, but as they still are, it’s harder for me/dh to back off. So, the constant put downs, reminders of what I’ve done wrong (which I have already apologised for) carry on.

It’s tiring, and I honestly want out. But if I find a way to end the friendship then I’ll look like the bad guy and that will be something ELSE for me to apologise for.

You married a woman who devastated our family. It's always her way or the highway.

Now I suspect you are stealing from a vulnerable person behind your, oh so helpful facade. The person suspects but is too frightened to do anything.

You are religious, but act anything but. I can't believe what has happened.

Everything was perfect but you smashed it to pieces. I don't think I will ever get over it. I will probably leave you.

I don't miss you anymore. You broke my heart and looking back I had 15 years of emotional abuse from you. But I don't miss you. You made your bed, you can lie in it. I've finally found someone who wants to be with me with no games and no drama. So you and your girlfriend can keep your drama to yourselves. I've moved on.

1. I was a terrible friend to you when you had been nothing but there for me. I honestly thought being straight with you about how you needed to step up if you wanted your life to change would help you. It was sincere and meant from the heart, but I did it so badly and hurt you terribly.

2. You are a horrible human being. You drove me from wonderful people in a job I loved. Your constant unabating negativity paired with your misplaced self-assurance that you were so much better at the job than the rest of us wore us all down. You pointed fingers saying it was because we had been there so long we weren’t open to change, stuck in our ways when actually you were breathtakingly awful but refused to see it. You had no empathy and considered Every. Single. Interaction. at work a battle that had absolutely to be won by you. You were so convinced you were right and we were wrong that you felt it gave you licence to bully and manipulate everyone. I’m pleased that everyone left and now you are a sad department of one - that no one takes seriously.

3. Trapping your wealthy man by ‘accidentally’ getting pregnant because you felt he may be ending the relationship is despicable. I know you only told me because you were drunk - but I now can’t look at you. The fact you chose to do this terrible thing, not because you loved him, but to keep a lifestyle just sickens me to the core.

4. I love you, I miss you It saddens me that I think of you less and less as time moves on. You were a joy to everyone and the world is a darker place just because you are not here.

5. I was a child, you were the parent. I still hate you for consciously choosing to be passive in your life so I had to be the parent. You stole my childhood. You are so smug about how capable I am, resourceful and driven - you tell everyone how you raised me to be that way. But that’s not true is it. You didn’t raise me, I raised us all. I hate that you will never admit this, even to yourself.

And, dh.
I wish you’d stop drinking like a sodding 21 year old.
Your 53 and I think your organs must be ready for failing.
Beer isn’t going to go out of fashion unfortunately so stop raiding the supermarket shelves….

God knows what gets said in our circle of friends behind our backs.

How many times ?!!!!! You’re like a petulant child.

When your organs do start failing, don’t blame me.
Like when you have a hangover, don’t blame me, like making you have a night off beer, don’t blame me. It’s you.
I hate the petulance, I really do. You’re like a man child. Go back to Mummy. And stay there….

SIL - of course I'm upset with the way you no longer communicate with me but, I know you are not in a good place with the new man and, despite your treatment of me and your brother, we will welcome you with open arms when you need it.

I don’t like you. I did and you turned out to be just as they said you would.

Stop trying to get others to be the flying monkeys. Own the fact we don’t get on and grow the fuck up and stop making me look like the bad guy! It’s you and you know it.

Just wish some mutual friends who are caught in the middle of the ‘feud’ could open their eyes and see you for what you are…. A twat. Oh and your DP is boring AF as well

Phew!

1. If there is a hell you'll be rotting there for eternity over the way you've treated M. 2. I love you but you are weak, I asked you to take some responsibility and look what happened! You need to many up and not see me as the eternal provider. I am not Mummy. 3. You are a manipulative git and a bully 4. I know what you've been up to, despite your lies. Stop recreating the drama, it's not always just about you. 5. You always were a bully 6. Your eating disorders break my heart, I wish you'd get help. You are not living your best life, despite what you claim. I'm worried you will never find happiness and the life you deserve.

I’m angry that you both died without giving me the answers that I needed and deserved. There are lots of things from both of your sides of the situation that just don’t add up and I was/am the child stuck in the middle.

I think you were both as bad as each other and I’m glad you gave me up.

God.. This is going to feel good to write out...
I would say the following:

I cannot even hate you, because you are nothing. You are nobody. You thought you could break me and shatter me mentally, but I didn't let you. You're in the gutter now with nothing and nobody and that is a palace compared to what you deserve. You will NEVER be allowed to infect our daughter with your poisonous and abusive mind, she will NEVER EVER be anything like you. You're a danger to women, children and society. With every fibre of my being, I will wish death on you and hope that you atone for everything you have done in your miserable and pitiful existence, but I know you won't. You're a very sick, sick person.
The only thing I am sad about is that you didn't do the job properly when you attempted suicide after we left you. You being dead would be like all of my Christmases and Birthdays in once. You are disgusting, you are vile, you are subhuman.
Leaving you was the best fucking day of my life.

Phew.

@Pebbledashery, I feel exactly the same way about DS1's sperm donor. Solidarity hugs, sweetheart.

I love you but you need to control your anger better.

I know you love me and my kids but you don't respect my authority as their mum when they're with you.

I want better for my kids than they currently have.

I have absolutely had it with every last fucking one of you. I'm overwhelmed. I am raging. I am silently screaming. FUCK. YOU.

Christ I'm letting everything out now...

Mother, you petty, petulant cow. You're nowhere near the mother you think you are. You're a brat. Everything is about YOU. I have to see you tomorrow, and I'm in a constant state of panic because you do everything you can to fucking belittle me.

Yes, you've helped me financially in the past. I fully appreciate that. I was ill, so ill, yet you keep me over a barrel over it. I refused to ask you for help, I knew what it'd turn into.

When I was going through testing to find out if I'd inherited my dad's illness, which could've killed me and the kids, what did you do? Made it about YOU.

I'll always love you, because you're my mum. Yet I detest you.

Mum, ill always love you because your my mum and I do deeply wish things were different between us. I am truly sorry for the things I said and did a decade ago, though I now know (and have since largely recovered from)I was going through an episode of seriously bad mental health/illness when I said those things. I've made peace with you not forgiving me. Since you informed me you no longer wish to have any involvement in my life, my anxiety has reduced significantly, I no longer feel sick everytime my phone pings, wondering what is my fault this time. However, I do feel sad that you wish to have no involvement in your GC lives. I've messaged you leaving the door open for you to see them, I know you've seen it. The only person your hurting is yourself there, but it's your last bit of control you have. I know you want me to beg you to see them but I won't.

My first love in high school, you were a dick but yet you've set the bar so impossibly high. I have never met anyone else who made me feel the way you did, and God knows I've tried. This year I've resolved to stop hopping from one sub standard relationship to another until I meet another "you". I still think fate will bring us together again one day.

Just please please please get a FUCKING job, or at least actually try. I am sick to death of having to work in shitty jobs that I hate, but I am unable to do anything about it because you just wont. Yes I know we both agreed on this arrangement and I know that always having you at home meant things like childcare and housework was covered, but now I'm breaking and you won't listen. I am stuck working in office roles cos they pay better than retail. It's not me and I'm desperately unhappy.

I just wish I could stop. Just literally stop. Stop going to work, stop caring about things like affording heating, food etc. Sometimes I just imagine what would actually happen if I just didn't do anything anymore. However, I realise that is not an option and I must carry on going to work.

Also, this sounds a little selfish so its not something I could say to anyone. All I wanted for my 40th was a party. Hire a room in a bar, get a DJ and crap party food and drink/dance the night away. I soon realised I wasn't popular enough so I went for option B, some nice food and drinks late into the night. However, while a handful of people did come for food, everyone buggered off by half 9. I went home and cried. The next day I took my birthday off facebook and vowed to never ever ever celebrate my birthday again. Even now 2.5 years later it still upsets me.

sending all of you a hug

You've only made yourself look bad. But I'm still really shocked at your incredibly tasteless, nasty comment. Who knew you were such a spiteful bitch and a total hypocrite to boot!

I still love you just as much as I did 17 years ago when you tore my heart out. I’ll always wonder ‘what if…’

I know I am being very kind and supportive atm because you are frail and vulnerable and it's the decent thing to do but it doesn't mean I love you or like you. It's just so I can live with myself when you are dead.

Your daughter is quite obviously neurodiverse. This isn’t an issue however if you continue to ignore it, her struggles will continue to increase and they may turn around as an adult and ask why you stuck your head in the sand.

The reason everyone leaves you, including family is because you are a manipulative, whining, toxic nightmare. You outstay your welcome by months, you're entitled and snobbish. Sort yourself out, or im off too.

Your dead now my pair of crap parents you know I never grieved for you birth mother and I don’t care, as for dad ( if I was ever yours I felt no I was never good enough) it took years for you finally admit that bitch of an aunt who brought me just how much of a cow she was, I still don’t like mirrors and never will, I still hate the day before my birthday, you ripped my heart out day before I was 21. I never got over that, yes sounds daft but you’d broken me.

To everyone who asked me when I'm going to start having babies - SOD OFF. It's called secondary infertility, is none of your business, and is more painful than you could possibly imagine.